What an absolute horrible morning I've had. Went to visit my father in the VA home this morning and he wasn't in a good mood. Despite the obvious I don't want to be here, I want to come home stuff, he's also refusing to participate in physical therapy and obviously they can't make him do it. I told him flat out today that if he didn't go to PT he wouldn't ever come home. That seemed to kind of register but then he started getting pissy. It's very hard to love someone who always thinks the worst of any situation. I don't know what to do for him anymore, I'm just so damn tired of it all. Having to deal with him and my physical health declining steadily I can hardly hold back the tears when I try to leave. I'm just at a loss, all I wanna do is scream and cry.

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So sorry you are going through this difficult time in your parents' lives. Because you love them it is also a difficult time in your life. Something that helped me in the most difficult spots has been the phrase "this too shall pass". No matter how hard the moment/hour/day/week is, it won't be this way forever. Tell yourself when you leave the building you get to walk on the nice VA grounds as you head to the car (at least the local VA here has beautiful grounds, hope your father's VA does too). Or take a stop by a fountain/pond/garden area on the way home. Or step outside on a porch to take a few deep breathes and notice the birds. Accept what you cannot change and take care of yourself too.

Your Dad is where he belongs. Don't ask that he be happy about it. End of life losses are not happy things. Tell him you couldn't be more sad for him that this is where it has come to, but this IS where it has come to. If your father continues only to make you sad when you visit then I would cut visits back. It is time to take care of yourself. His decision to allow himself to deteriorate is his decision to make. Everyone decides for themselves. If those working there cannot convince him it is unlikely that you can. Please remove yourself from this situation a bit and begin to do some things on your own that make your life not just about your Dad. So sorry for everyone's pain. Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.

My Dad was not in his right mind at the end.  He had agreed to go to a nursing home nearby when all of us kids called Mom (and he listened, we could hear the click) on the same day and told her we were very concerned for HER.  She fell trying to put Dad's wheelchair in the trunk.  We were sure she'd die first, but it had to be their decision.  We would not make him go to one.  His fear of us swooping in and forcing him to go vanished, and he made a good decision right away (his mind was always clearer in the am).

Fast forward not long after, and he was in NH and Mom and I visiting him.  He accused her of having a boyfriend on the side, and not wanting him.  I tried to remind him that she was older than him and just couldn't take care of him anymore.  He lashed out, saying she was a nurse and could do it.

Mom said after to ignore what he said. He was sick.  I tell you the same thing.  Your Dad is not able to think right, and this is very sad.  He is unable to be your Dad and hear or fully comprehend how sick you are.  Is any therapy offered by the VA for family members?  How about a chaplain?  Just knowing someone hears you is helpful, so I am glad you can come here and vent.  Go ahead and vent, and cry.  We hear you and understand.  Hugs!

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