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(((((Hugs))))))
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Oh Mid, I'm so sorry for all you are going through. It seems like everything that can, has gone wrong. Hugs 2 u!

You can come vacation at my home, I'll give you some TLC that you so fully deserve. From all I have read about you, you are a poster child for care and compassion. Isn't it awful that people take such vile liberties with the ones that care and do the most.

I have to tell you, i want to chew your kids butts, they have no place criticizing you for what their dad says. I would tell them they can do it for a month and see if it works out better, if it does, they're hired and you quit.

I want you to know it is ok to tell all of them that their behavior is inappropriate, unacceptable and will not be tolerated, this will put wind up their sails and you will need to be diligent in addressing the behavior everytime, they will eventually get that you are done being treated so disrespectfully. People treat us how we allow them to, it is hard to change but well worth it in the end.

I have told loved ones that at the very least I expect the same courtesies that they would extend to a stranger. So, no judgement when you aren't involved 24/7. May make things cool, but at least they will give you basic human courtesy and respect.

Is it possible to hire an outside caregiver and tell your hubby that you are doing so because you obviously can not please him and you will not be treated so vile.

PS: I do believe that when someone has a heart attack that depression is a side effect.

HUGS, you deserve so much better then you get from him, I hope it works out exactly the way YOU WANT!
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Um, the grass gt cut, the house got cleaned and the groceries were fetched. Now I am going to take a 2 hr break. He's fed, he refuses to get up and that's HIS problem.

He is seeing his psych doc tomorrow. I MADE him call her, I also MADE him call the cardio doc about the anxiety. (I have been on Klonipin for 20 years, not happy about it, but I have a severe anxiety disorder and honestly? this one drug has kept me sane. I am not proud of being on it, but I am not ashamed.) Too much backstory to explain it all---and he took ONE milligram, and was miraculously "healed" of the shortness of breath. I KNOW it's anxiety....just waiting for some Dr to agree and help him.

I have had a couple "come to Jesus" moments---and there will be more. I will take care of him but I will NOT be his whipping boy. He did this to himself, all by himself and he has to fix it, essentially by himself.

There will be no more teasing, joking, disrespect of me. I'm done. I actually had a bag packed last week and was planning to take a break from marriage for a couple weeks---for some reason, I don't know why, it didn't work out. I guess I need to be around longer.

And we have 5 fantastic kids and 5 fantastic in law kids and 14 amazing grandchildren. He actually has the life a LOT of men would love.

I have hope he will realize this and come back to us. He in no way, shape or form resembles the man I married.

On a really sad note, and very telling too--his mother (88 and a real Narcissist) was told about his heart attack from his sister on Monday afternoon. She lives 20 minutes away. She has not acknowledged him in any way. No phone call, nothing. What kind of mother DOES that? I'm FURIOUS with her, but it shows the kind of mothering he was used to. So sad.
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I used to be married to someone like your husband. Brilliant, mercurial and cuttingly cruel.
We have three great kids.

I'm married to someone now who is kind. NOT brilliant. NOT rich. Sometimes life is a bit boring, but never hurtful.

I still have three great kids.

Oh, and the grass? It can wait.
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KLONOPIN aka Clonazepam
It is for anxiety.
It is on the Beers list for drugs to reconsider giving to anyone over 65.
It is a drug classified as a benzodiazepine and may be dangerous for elders.
However, the doctor knows best. Check on this medication please.

If taken PRN (whenever necessary) for anxiety, the experience of anxiety your husband is having is actually CAUSED by withdrawal, each time he takes one dose, and does not continue on a regular schedule, HE WILL EXPERIENCE WITHDRAWAL anxiety.

This is nothing to mess with, and must be addressed by the cardiologist and psychiatrist.
Can you be looped in?

It is not okay for you to be abused in this way, imo.
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Sorry everyone...know my post was a book....smile.
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Hi Midkid...Know this post turned out to be a book, but please read.

First you are not a witch...you are under a lot of stress and pressure. You and your husband have been through alot. Please feel free to come here to vent any time. This wonderful group of people on this forum sure helped me pull things back together by letting me vent and through great advice. Sometimes we need the tears and a place to vent to help get things out in the open so that we can see them clearly and determine what to do. I did. I went through something very similar (still am when I don't put my foot down when my honey tries to revert back to his old pre-hospital/rehab behavior. See "How to Handle Downright Mean?"; Family relationships Q & A)

Just some history as to why I say I understand. My honey had three heart attacks (major) in a two week period and refused to go to the hospital. We had been together for 3 years at the time. He was 38 at the time. He went after I told him either he went to my doctor or I was calling an ambulance and giving them permission to carry him out forceably. (we are not married even common law though we have been together for 30 years) He went to my doctor and they rushed him to the hospital where he had to have a quad bypass. Two years later, he had v-tach (rapid heart rate) and it was back to the hospital where they also found out he had diabetes (type 2) with blood sugar of over 800. They implanted a defibulator and he did great with it (1993). We joined a support group for people with defibulators and pacemakers. Learned so much and both the people with defibulators and pacemakers were doing well. Fast forward to November 2018, when my honey's v-tach returned and his blood pressure kept dropping. He went to the hospital three times and Dec12th he had surgery to remove the defibulator and they implanted a combined defib/pacemaker. His heart though had been deterioating over the years. In February he became verbally abusive and on April 1st he got severe edema. In May he went into the hospital and rehab due to the severe edema (he had done nothing but sit since his surgery in December). I refused to allow them to release him from the hospital to me as i was not able to care for him in the condition he was in as my back was racked up from lifing on him from November until he went into the hospital in May plus my other health issues. They sent him to a rehab facility. Before being released from rehab he had lost 74lbs in a month all fluid.

Sounds like your husband is trying to bully, shame, blame and in general cut down your self worth like my honey did for a while. (sounds like fear, anger and frustration) When he was getting ready to be released..we had a "come to Jesus meeting" in which I advised him that he would not and I repeat would not go back to treating me the way he had or he would not be coming home. (I was a real mess when I joined this forum). Since coming home he tries occassionally to get verbally abusive. I stop it then I go to my study and tell him if you need me for something urgent let me know. He learned in the hospital that his bad behavior only got him me not being there at all the next day (I would call the nurse's station and check on him). When he would start again I would pick up my stuff and leave. But when he told me he didn't need me, I didn't do anything for him...I said fine you are on your own...you figure it out. The next time I came out his attitude had changed. You have to set boundaries as to what you will tollerate and what you won't then stand by them. My honey actually threatened me while he was in rehab (first time in 30 years). I came home, bought a gun safe and locked up our weapons. Then called the doctor, the nurses and social worker and told them I wanted a psych eval done on him before he came home. (by the way the weapons are still locked up though he is home)

You mentioned that you had felt terror. Was that from him having the heart attack or has he threatened you. Contact his doctor (preferably away from your husband as he will probably get angry) and let him know about the depression and anxiety and anger. See if he can put your husband on meds for it. It is not unusual for strokes and heartattacks to cause anxiety, anger, anxiety and frustration. See if you can get him to go to a heart attack support group and go with him. He has got to get up and start moving around otherwise he could end up in worse shape. My honey has severe heart problems (heart failure) and is on a 24/7 IV.

I know you mainly wanted to vent, but hope what I have posted is not too jumbled and confusing and can help even a little bit. I don't know how old you and your husband are, but there has to assistance out there that can help.

Hang in there. Please make sure that you make time for YOU even if it for a few minutes here and there. Work on a hobby. When your husband goes into bad behavior mode, as long as you know he is ok...walk away. One thing I have found is he can only hurt you, make you angry or make you cry if you allow him too. (took me a while to figure that out).

Please keep posting and don't hesitate to vent. Please let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
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You're not a witch at all. It sounds like you love him dearly, but are stressed and frustrated and are going through the emotional roller coaster right now. I'm sure one minute you are thankful and relieved he is okay, and the next you want to pinch his head off. Totally understandable!. When he starts getting mean/directing blame and anger at you, I would tell him, "I love you, but I am not going to listen to you be hateful and put me down. I'm going to leave the room until you can talk to me with respect. I'm here for you, but I'm not a punching bag." Then walk away for a little bit.

I'm glad you have a good therapist that can help you navigate all of this. Mine has been a lifesaver through dealing with all of the drama with my mother's situation.

Big hugs to you. Just know you have a lot of people in your corner here sending love and support.
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And...sigh...
Thank you all for the kind words. I am surely not getting them here at home. One daughter ran by last night with some groceries (a good excuse to lay eyes on her dad). He was quite calm, having been given Klonipin---this am he is panicky again, breathing fast and shallowly. I made him b-fast, explained how he was getting the right amt of carbs and fat....and gave him his am meds. (He is on a ton of stuff, diabetic and transplant patient-- and they added 4 new drugs to the mix).. I did hand him the phone and the # to the cardiologist's and said "You need to make an Follow up apt, I cannot do that for you. And perhaps, while you have the office on line, talk to the nurse who will not be surprised to hear from you. Ask for something for the anxiety" (he finally had admitted he was VERY anxious). Left him with the phone and he did call. The cardiologist wants ME at his appts, but there in no way in the world DH will allow me to go.

Yes, he has cardiac rehab, which is simply an exercise program 3xs a week for 8 weeks that is optional, but highly recommended. He argued he couldn't possibly do it as he has too much work, and his cardio doc said if he chose not to be compliant, he could find another cardio dr to TX him. He opted "out" of the re-learning with the nutritionist. BUT, we 've been down this road, I already cook "clean" and all he has to do is quit the 12 cheeseburger/ giant shake per week habit he has. As long as he is home, no food will be near him that he shouldn't have, but realistically?? It's his choice.

He has a psychiatrist who just weaned him off Cymbalta. He doesn't see her for 2 more weeks and refuses to call to see if he can get in sooner. Again, HIS choice.

Right now he is very angry, depressed and is laying in bed, moaning endlessly. Kinda getting on my nerves. As soon as he gets something and gets the anxiety under control, he'll feel a lot better. Right now I am just adapting.

I've learned, from many years of caregiving, you do have to grow a thick skin. He was so horrid following the Liver Transplant---4 months...I was much younger then. And I cried every single day. It was cathartic and none of his business. He'd tell the kids I was "falling apart" and of no use to him. Them they'd jump down my throat. We're all a lot older now and hopefully that won't happen this time.

I do what I have to do, what needs doing. I take a nap every day. I don't care if he's happy about that or not. I'm up 3xs a night, doing BP check and just checking on him, and I'm still running the house, so I am very tired.

It's only 9:18. It's going to be 100 degrees here today, so I have to go mow lawns now before the heat starts in. Grocery shopping, sorting pills, getting him in and out of the shower--it's going to be a long day. Just praying the dr calls in something for anxiety very soon. DH won't get out of bed if he is panicking. Supposed to be walking around the house and outdoors (too hot today) and refuses.

HIS LIFE. HIS CHOICE. Yet it does affect so many. He's got a lot of thinking to do.

The part about people thinking I'm a witch comes from the course of his many illnesses and his complaining about my sub-par care...which got the kids angry, until they saw that I was actually doing everything. Yesterday at 7:30 am he called and said "I have been released. Come get me NOW!" I threw on some clothes and raced to the hospital, and he was sound asleep in bed. I sat in a chair in the corner. Nurse came in, we talked for 15 minutes about his discharge orders, she left to look at another pt, came back (about an hour by now) said "You guys can go" and she woke up DH. He sits up and says "Well, my wife isn't here, she's never on time". Nurse said "she's been here over an hour". Huh? I was FURIOUS!!! B/C one thing I AM, is punctual to a fault. Drove him home, didn't say a word. Got him settled and when I brought him lunch, I said "You need to apologize about the comment to the nurse. That was very hurtful". "Oh, I'm just joking. Can't you take a joke?" No, sir, no I cannot.

What's the story he tells the kids "Oh your mom, you know how she can't be on time anywhere". Fell pretty flat. Yeah, my guard is always up--not healthy.

Welp--gotta run. Thanks again for the encouragement and kind wishes. He is supposed to be able to return to normal activity next Monday.

No freakin' way.
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You are no witch! You are a patient, loving person (YES, YOU ARE!).

As is often the case, BarbBrooklyn posted something I thought of, too. No cardiac therapty or anything else? If not, why not? Barb's idea of having him go to these therapies without you is great.

I guess in the back of your mind is the thought that he might not last long if he doesn't change his ways, and quickly. So there is that, too, muddying things in your mind, correct?
(3)
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Mid, we all know that you love your husband, perhaps too much.

As CM says, he's got choices right now. So do you.

This is one of those unbearable positions that caregivers get put in from time to time; when we realize that we just "can't" do anything right, no matter WHAT we do.

Was there any talk of rehab? Is he going to be going to outpatient cardio/PT/nurtitional follow up?

Let him go without you. Start getting him ready to live on his own. Let the docs and therapists talk to HIM and not to you.

You are no witch; you deserve several halos and many sets of wings.
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Depressed, angry and panicky.

I know you meant your husband, MK. But let us compare and contrast a moment, bear with me.

Your husband is depressed, angry and panicky for very good reasons. Being ill, he expects sympathy.

You, too, must be depressed, angry and panicky, for pretty much equally good reasons. You expect people to think you're a witch for it? Uh?

What's more. DH is in a position to do something *about* his choices. He may not feel like it, and I don't blame him for that because I'm absolutely sure I wouldn't, either; but he *can*. It does lie in his hands to do so.

Whereas you feel responsible - with a little help from him, though I'm sure he was meaning to sweeten you with a compliment, sort of - for supporting his wellbeing, but you don't have any power to force him to choose sensibly. Not fair!

Just thinking aloud.

What happens if he pleases himself and carries on his merry way without further interference with you?

Look at it squarely. Chew it over. Think about it as a present possibility. Then put it to him as that stark a choice.
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Oh Mid, noooooooo[!!!!. (((((((((Hugs))))))))))).
Check out Noom. Awesome weight loss app. Would he do something like that?
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Midkid, so sorry to hear this! I feel sorry for your husband.... and I feel even sorrier for you! Hope as your hubby heals things can get to a healthier dynamic. Good for you for setting healthy boundaries. And definitely go to SJ to see your daughter, you deserve a break. I'll be thinking of you both.
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Oh No, I'm so sorry Midkid!
Even more so because your relationship is rocky right now.

It sounds like you two have been through a lot together health wise. And it seems you both know your rolls well. You run around trying everything to get him well, and he just lays around 🛌 b#tching and moaning. He yells, you cry. Oh I know the scene well.

I know being sick brings out the worst in some ppl, we all deal with it differently, So I'm not downing DH at all. I'm just thinking tho,

///If you wanna see 👀 something change...then you must do something different.///
🤔hmm what can we do differently?
Maybe not playing nurse maid. Not being Betty home maker. Nor Betty Crocker, definitely not Martha Stewart, forget chief bottle washer (oops forgot the rest) and you're too damd cute to be chef Boy-r-dee, so let that one go right out the window! Oh and the gofer's are on strike. 💥🙃 ( U smile here)

In other words, let him fend for himself. (Wherever he can of course) Think about it, it might be better for you both. He might have to actually get up, move around! 🏃🚶

You've been through a lot these last 36 hrs. Just relax🛀☕ And do remember to 😁 SMILE 💖
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Midkid, you have been on quite the emotional roller coaster. I believe it is harder on the bystanders than on the patients? IMO. Worrying about Lo is quite taxing. No one can blame you for what you are feeling right now, it is expected with what you have been through and are going through.
Hang in there. I will be praying for you.
You are a strong lady.
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Your story is so heartfelt, Midkid58. You sure have your work cut out for you. Please take care of yourself. I know that you love your husband unconditionally, you sound like you are a saint. His being stubborn is not your problem. His not taking care of himself, ditto, not your problem. You have done everything in your power to give him the tools to be healthy; you have set up an excellent home environment where hubby can be successful. You have gone above and beyond what most spouses would do. But you are not responsible for the poor choices he makes. Give yourself breaks and do something fun and positive outside the home. Join a club, take up a new hobby, go see a comedy performance. My sense is that your husband is not going to change overnight. Recharge those batteries, maybe caring less will achieve more. Be super direct with him, telling him you have done everything in your power to help and can not humanly do no more. The rest is up to him.

Also, another thing to check, is he on anti-depression meds with all his health problems going on?
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Thanks--I barely posted and already have some kind words to lean on. This is not going to be an easy or pretty recovery, and truth be told, last week I was planning on leaving him and asking for a trial separation! For some reason--it didn't go through as planned....and no way would I leave my kids with him to care for in this condition.

I have a therapist, I will see her on Thursday. Have been going for MANY years.

He cannot travel for 2 months, as he HAS to lose a significant amt of weight and get in much better shape. So--he'll be home.

NOT putting up with his babyish behavior. He was complaining of a migraine earlier, but wouldn't call the dr to see if he was OK to take his imitrex. Then he starts having a panic attack and saying he can't breathe, he's not oxygenating...well, the O sats are 96 and his BP is 189/100--so my guess was panic attack. I just called his dr's office and chatted with the nurse, She okayed the Klonipin and IMitrex. A miracle occurred--he feels "fine". His BP is down, he doesn't have tightness in his chest...(sigh) I will call them again tomorrow and request a scrip for his own antianxiety meds. He was listed on his charts as having severe anxiety, but he kept denying it, and so they didn't treat him.

My kids are all 100% supportive of me. I will keep "correct" food in the house and will teach him how to prepare meals that are healthy. I will be supportive of the exercise and I will do whatever I can to help him, but in the end, it's all on him.

I agree, anger masks many emotions. MANY men do not do any emotion other than anger--which is a "manly" emotion and they feel OK with it.

I'm so tired. After he's recovered, I plan to go visit my daughter in San Jose for a few days. No DH with me, just me.

Time will tell if this marriage keeps on going. Right now is not the time to make that life altering decision.

97mom--yeah, it's a joke that DH has to assign blame in all cases---and it usually is somehow my fault. I, however, do not find it one bit amusing.

I'm working hard to like him right now.
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MK
It’s a family joke at my house. If my DH has ANY problem he is looking to see where I am and how I caused it. We all laugh together because he would be so lost without me and I’m sure it’s the same for you.
You know, all the near misses he’s had may have allowed him to be a bit cavalier about his mortality.
From what you’ve written about him I just wish he enjoyed life a bit more but like in the Jack Nicholson movie, this may just be “As Good As It Gets” so don’t look for more.
Declare him perfect just the way he is. You will both like him more. Smile
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Riverdale Google search his name, Rick Harrison. Maybe if the hubby reads what he did in his life, it may give him incentive to appreciate his.
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A wise woman once told me that anger is the outward sign of fear on the inside. Perhaps he is expressing his fear of dying, etc by demonstrating his anger. Can you find time for a caregiver's support group or therapy for yourself to get some ideas on how to handle him? Not sure what else to say, I know this is VERY difficult.
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Midkid,
You are so right to protect your feelings from anything even mildly unkind.
You almost lost your hubs and now all this.
You can cry all you want, it is time for that.

My heart is wrenching for you, fighting back tears on your behalf.

Hugs, just hugs right now, sent to you through the cloud.
(9)
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How do you find that mans story?
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I'm sorry to hear your dH has had another health scare, but glad he seems to have dodged the bullet again. You already know you are more invested in his well being than he is, unfortunately you can't make him care about improving his health status as much as you do.

"he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times."

If I am remembering right isn't this just par for the course in your relationship? I think the fact that he worked away and you only had to put up with him in small doses was probably the only thing that has made your life bearable. You already know how to give yourself "me time" so just return to your routines as much as possible, bring in outside caregivers if you have to - don't let him drag you into the pit with him.
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Mid,
So sorry to hear of you hubby’s heart attack. How terrifying for you.

I hope you’ve been able to get some rest.
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Sounds like you are doing your absolute best. I hope he develops the ability to cooperate. It must be hard when he blames you!
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I am here because of my mother but I can relate to some of your issues. My husband survived being hit by a motorcycle as a pedestrian in 2005. Although he is very lucky to have not had more than a leg hematoma and head scar he can never let it go and feels this ruined his life to a degree. Has all sorts of aches and pains but so do I. He has been told he may need a pacemaker if tests dont improve at next testing. Now we meaning his family are all stressing him out. His negativity stresses me. My grandchildren are visiting from other states and I cant stand that I am not enjoying them fully because of his concerns and my mothers. I know I have it much more easily than others here but I am prone to obsessing and I am doing that too much. Working on positive thinking but it does not come naturally especially when living with a pessimist. My mother neglected herself for decades and now I am running around to help her but I just feel frustration and mentally worn out. I hope there are better days ahead for you.
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Maybe he should read the story of Rick "Old Man" Harrison, who passed away Monday.
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Maybe he should read the story of Rick "Old Man" Harrison, who passed away Monday.
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