I'm a middle-aged woman, the oldest daughter and a middle child; I work part-time and care for my disabled mother. My father just had some health problems, was in the ER, and is now home recovering. We live together with my sister. I have two other siblings who live nearby, but aren't really involved. They'll stop by and help if we ask and they come by for holidays and birthdays, but that's about it.
My sister is usually great, but she can be really controlling once in a while and loses her temper with my mother. This creates an enormous amount of stress and it's hard to be around. I think my sister needs therapy, but she is not interested. My brothers aren't speaking to each other and this creates more stress on the holidays as we have to do everything twice, since they won't come over at the same time. And the burden of preparing things for visits falls on me.
I'm feeling really burned out and feeling resentful towards my siblings. I try to stay focused on the positive and I've chosen to help my parents so they can live at home. We get along well and I'm glad I'm able to help them. So why am I so tired and burned out?
I have personal goals, a part-time job I like, and occasionally see friends, so I do have a life outside of caregiving, but it's still exhausting. I feel like I have to hold it together for everyone when sometimes I want to just fall apart and cry. My parents' health is ok for their age, but they're both declining slowly. I know I can't control people but sometimes I want to shake my siblings and tell them that life is short, our parents won't be around forever, and that they should find time to visit. They're always "busy." Good lord, would I love to have the spare time to be "busy" doing something besides changing my mother's diapers.
Right now I'm exhausted. I'm worried that I'll disappear into resentment and become bitter--which I don't want to do. I'm usually an easygoing, cheerful person. I don't know what's happening to me.
Am I having a normal reaction??
Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcome. (And because I work part-time, I can't afford therapy for myself. I'm broke.)
There can be assumptions & obligations programmed in by our family, society & culture.
1. Children must please their parents
2. Your parents are aging
3. The elderly shouldn't have to make any changes to their lifestyle.
4. Adult children must do everything elderly parents can no longer for themselves.
5. All adult children must contribute to their parent's care equally. Give the same amount of time, do the same tasks no matter what committments they have to jobs, their spouse & children. Despite living close or far. Despite having different health issues themselves or different personalities & apptitudes.
"I'm worried that I'll disappear into resentment..."
It could be a message..
What is it telling you?
It could appear to be saying your siblings don't help enough.. but as you said.. you can't control other people.
Could YOU be GIVING too much?
Please tell me that there is some shared living costs and expenses and a good POA to decide just who is in control when things go South (which it sounds like may be happening sooner than later?)?
I think you need some planned alone time. You are living with Sister, Mom and Dad, and sorry but living with anyone is ALWAYS HARD. Whether it is a hubby, a mom and dad or a roommate, things are always tough. Even without diapers.
You have four personalities and two of them are aging. You are enmeshed and dysfunctional at the same time and sandwiched between being daughter and caregiver and a sister. That always is a dilemma.
Quite honestly a good therapy outcome would be knowing whether you wish to continue being a caregiver to your parents for the rest of your life or not, because you could well end in your late 70s, quite ill from it, with them still alive. Add to that a troublesome sister? Wow.
I think the brothers are the wise ones. They are out of it. They come for holidays you prepare and don't make them pleasant. Holidays for me would be struck off my dance card. In that there would be no holidays at my house.
If you are living in your parent's home--you and Sis--then you are living rent free. If they are in your home, they should have a care contract to pay shared living expenses, so first step may be an elder law attorney for paper work you want to have.
I think the loveliest thing about growing up is choosing who we live with. I couldn't do it with family, and have had three major relationships, so I traded up in partners a few times as well. But always I was free in making my own choices for my own life and paying my own Piper.
I think you will, if you want to continue this, have a good reasoned settlement with sis. One of you on duty and the other off most days. Or hours of the day divided. Get it on paper who does what and on what days of the calendar so that at least is predictable. Be very certain you have a good "room of one's own" and private time for yourself, time off with friends and hobbies. While there are two of you managing care this will work. Sister isn't always cooperative so I would start a good and loving conversation with her honestly by saying:
"Sis, I love you. And I know you know we both love Mom and Dad. But I am not so strong as I thought and I am wearing down. I may have to quit caregiving in-home soon if we can't come to a way to give EACH OF US some down time, some time of our own. I hate to do that, and leave you with Mom and Dad or with placement. But I may have to. Can we talk honestly about what's hard here for EACH OF US, and try to come to some changes that may help?"
Good luck. About all any of us can wish you. Good luck. Hope you'll update us if you decide to risk that good honest talk.
I'm having issues with my brother, who is poa and is mad at me because I wouldn't bring mom to an appointment during a snow storm.
Listen to the advice of the ones on this forum, i need to more! I'm trying really trying, I just wanted my brother to like me, I thought he would respect me and be grateful for all I do, do. Wow was I wrong. Though this forum I've learned to accept the issue I have with my mom, and letting stuff go, realizing some is dementia, some is just her. Now I have to accept that my brother is just who he is and let it all go.
I've got a lot more work to do!! Which I'm just realizing. I am so thankful to this forum.
Sorry if this turned more into me venting.
You are making your own choice to provide it for your parents, but your siblings aren't under any obligation to help. Letting go of this expectation-disappointment-resentment may prevent some of your energy from being consumed by this emotional black hole.
I know you came here just to vent and be heard. We hear you! But we also would be remiss if we didn't nudge you to think about what lay ahead when both of your parents become even more needy? You are only one person.
Are your parents at least covering their own cost of living? If they are in your residence, are they helping to pay for rent/mortgage? Do they contribute to grocery expense? Utilities? etc?
If you're in the US, and only working part-time, you are not contributing to your own SS for your own retirement. Are you expecting your own kids to take care of you in the same way? I'd have this conversation with them before you find out the hard way that this isn't their radar.
You must stop allowing things to "happen" to you. You do have control -- you just need to come to peace that the consequences of your choices won't create perfect outcomes. For instance, you don't have to do everything twice on the holidays. Maybe you tell your family it's only possible to do 1 celebration and if the other wants your parents to attend, they need to come prep them, drive them, return them.
Your parents assumed their children as their care plan. No one should be assumed into this role because of the burden. One chooses to accept it. But now you are burning out. If something happens to you so that you can no longer be their caregiver... then what? You must take care of you! If this means your parents pay to hire in-home aids to give you a break, then do it. Or, they go to Adult Day Care. And you cannot "assume" or expect your siblings to help pay for it. Decide what you want to do, then accept that it won't make "everyone" happy. You're the one that needs to be happy and healthy. Do what it takes to achieve this before it's too late.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
It sounds like it's time to let some of it go. You can start by quit trying to change your siblings into who you think they should be and how they should act.
The only person you can change is yourself. Period.
And as far as family visits go, you tell your siblings that there will be only ONE celebration, and if they can't all get along for that short period of time then they are more than welcome to just stay home as you're no longer going to put up with their nonsense by having to coordinate 2 get-togethers.
You are allowing your siblings to rule what's done or not done and that my dear you can change and have control over.
And you just being "middle-aged" should really be working full-time as you already say that you're broke, so what will you do when your parents die? You'll be up shit creek without a paddle.
Perhaps it's best now that you look into placing both parents into the appropriate facilities, where they will receive the care they require and you can get back to just being their loving daughter and advocate, instead of a burned out, bitter, exhausted caregiver.
And if money is an issue, your parents can apply for Medicaid.
You don't have to be the only solution you know? There are other options.
And in case you've forgotten or never knew.....you matter too in this equation, so please take better care of yourself.
And there are counseling agencies out there that are income based, so you might want to look into that, or Google to see if there is a caregiver support group in your area that meet in person or on Zoom, as those are free and can be quite helpful.
Caregiving is the toughest job ever! I cared for my parents too. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. Don’t continue to push yourself if you feel like you are burning out.
Yes, you love your parents but that doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice your entire life for them.
I think you are prematurely grieving for the day that you will lose your parents. It’s sad to think about when that time comes.
Check to see if you have NAMI in your area for seeing a therapist. A therapist could help you address your concerns and place them into the proper perspective for you. Include your sister if you think that she would go.
As far as your other siblings go, you don’t have any control over their actions. Of course, you need help but you can’t tell them how to live their lives.
Do your parents expect you to be their caregiver? Could you speak with them about hiring someone to come in and help so that you can go back to being their daughter instead of their caregiver? Or perhaps discuss if the possibility of your parents entering a facility.
How old are your parents? How long do you plan on living in their home? Would you rather be working full time so that you could plan for your own future?
Please share a bit more information about your situation.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.