Just finally truly giving up. And mixed emotions about it. - AgingCare.com

Just finally truly giving up. And mixed emotions about it.

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Many of you have read my past posts, elderly mother living with control freak brother, me trying to be a "good daughter' and provide what I could as far as extra care for mother for 14 years now. Brother and I recently "go into it" over his lack of care of mother--letting her apartment just get filthy and some concerns I had about her personal care that she simply cannot address alone anymore---and he lost it on me. Screaming and yelling that I am the problem and mother has a great life and he is in control and she's fine--and for me to stay the he** away and not talk to her or "upset her" further. He's done this before, and after a few months, he calms down and lets me back in. This time, no, it's not going to happen. I am not allowed inside his home, I have to pick mother up at the front door. Changed his garage code, so I can't "sneak" in. Won't answer the door if it's me. I give up. I was allowed to see mother on Sunday as it was her birthday. She sat and talked on the phone the whole entire time, so I begged off and left, told her I'd take her to lunch in a couple of weeks. I left. Mom's place reeks. It's filthy, but my standards, ropes of cobwebs falling off the ceiling fixtures, sticky floors, birdseed and feathers everywhere. Open garbage with wet depends in the bathroom--she has 3 aerosol "air fresheners" blasting away every 15 minutes--the air is toxic. The dogs come in her place and pee on the carpet regularly--she just puts a paper towel on it. I can't bear the state of her living conditions. I am also not allowed to do a single thing to help. She's content enough. She complains about brother, and has asked to move in with me. That's a hard pass. I have told her I'd help facilitate a move to ALF, but she balks. She really doesn't WANT to move, she wants sympathy. I find that I no longer have any sense of sympathy for her. Unusual for me, as a fixer, I FIX stuff. She doesn't seem to want things to change. I'm sick of being on the outs with brother (our relationship will NEVER be ok). In essence, I give up. Towel thrown in. Vacuum? Put away. Dead plants can continue to be dead. Urine soaked furniture can become more urine soaked. I feel dead inside from this knowledge. She wore me out. She won. Her manipulation between kids is all over. Nobody else was involved in her care, so she's going to have to accept that she helped facilitate this all. She LET brother run her life, and as much as she says she hates it, I cannot/will not help her further. She's just turned 88. She could easily live 10 more years. I feel sad, but have no more desire to be a part of something that's just been a nightmare for so long. I'm sure I am not alone in this. I guess, the feeling of being a terrible daughter (drilled into me since age 0)....and hopefully that will pass. My depression/anxiety is at an all time high--I just have to walk away.

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Wow Midkid, how incredibly sad. Narcissistic parents are so good at that
crazy making dynamic of favoritism and endless drama. I've never met a good
parent in their right mind that behaves anything like that. I'm so sorry you have
to be dealing with that.

You're right in walking away from it. I've dealt with a similar situation twice and both
times had to walk away. Once those wagons get circled there's not anything you can
do when the LO is complicit. I'd consider calling APS, but I wouldn't go back there.
Why? She's not even grateful for your attempts to help. And it's just an abusive
crazy town you know what show. :( . Very sorry, just know you've been a dedicated
amazing daughter and done everything you've could.

Now it's time to go out there in that big beautiful world and enjoy the people who
can see and enjoy you too!! (((hugs))))
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((((((Hugs))))), Mid! Wrap that toe.
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Talked to my son while he was in town over the past few days. He didn't ask about going to see mother and I didn't mention it. LAst night he said "How is Nono?" I said, "I don't really know, I am no longer a part of her CG team and I have been asked to step off." I didn't want to talk about it, but son is a lawyer and unanswered ?? make him crazy. I did give him a very truncated version of what has been going on and he blew up and said my brother has no right to keep my mother a virtual prisoner (I know) and that I have rights to see her (I know) and that my brother is a grade -a-jerk (I know) and after he'd exploded with anger, he said, "Just go and do what you want. If he sues you I'll be there for you." I looked at him, thanked him for the support, pointed out he lives 800 miles away and this isn't his battle. Said I was fine with the dynamic and would live with it.

He was furious, but only b/c I was so "meh" about the whole thing. I'm done and not interested in pursuing a losing cause.

He did say "well, we won't do that to you, mom" which is nice, I guess. Time will tell, I guess.

The initial "ouch" is gone and it will scar over and life will go on.

I DID enjoy the family. They are a Type-A family and utterly exhausting, but we had fun. We rarely see them, so it's a mixed blessing when they come. SO much activity and then we crash, DH is really sick, and I broke my toe, just annoying, but we're both feeling the age creep!!
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Please, enjoy your family. Try not to worry about Mom or brother. She is where she wants to be. Brother and her seem to be happy.
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Big big biggest hugs, Midkid. Sometimes we do our best and get the stonewall in return. That’s when we know it’s time to dip out.

After a certain point, it’s the “what,” not the “who.” Shared DNA does not give our relative(s) a free pass to sh*t on those who do right by them.

Pick up the pieces and move on. Midkid, you are a fantastic, perceptive, caring and understanding mother. A testament to your ability to guide YOU.

Keep on keepin’ on. Focus on the joys that you created....and the joys that come your way.
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Self preservation is also important. Good for you for side stepping the line of fire, finally. Wish you well.
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Again--as I sit here and read these lovely and loving comments, with tears in my eyes, I think of the years and years of efforts made on my behalf to build and maintain a relationship with mother when in fact, she never cared.

Calling her to go to lunch once a month is something that is totally on me. She doesn't know how to use her phone and she never calls me anyway. Ever. It will happen only IF I facilitate it. And It's not going to, at least for a while, if ever again.

Many years ago, as a sort of "experiment" I decided not to call or go see her, put all the effort of communication on her end, so to speak. We were together on Christmas. When did she call me? The week before Thanksgiving, to see if we were hosting dinner. Over 11 months. Not a word. Not a birthday card, not a call. I think that was when the light went on.

I think I will take the summer off. We have kids here right now, visiting and I told them they could go see her if it fit into their plans. It didn't and they won't. I have another family coming in 3 weeks and the same rule will apply. If my daughter wants to have her grandmother in her life, she'll make the effort. I won't go.

Funny thing, one of the big deciding reasons she moved in with brother was that I am less than 5 minutes away. I did A LOT of CG for daddy, until he passed. We were very close.

Since then, all communication between us has been on my end, calling her. She does report to brother all that is said and done. No secrets, not that there should be, but I do not trust her with anything I say.

I'm so tempted to call APS, but this has happened before and nothing happened except brother's rage was phenomenal and while it was NIEGHBOR who called, I was still blamed.

Brother and mother have together created this sick and twisted dynamic. They can live it. The other 3 living sibs are MIA, I can be too.

Thank you, thank you for kind words and thoughts.
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Midkid, you had a great idea about offering to help Mom find an Assisted Living facility but Mom turned you down. You did what you could. Just sit back and rest for awhile. Maybe Mom will call you later in the year and ask you to help her find a really nice Assisted Living apartment.

In the mean time if you feel the need to help, help those who really want to be helped. Find some place where you can volunteer doing things that you like to do and people who appreciate your help. I volunteer one morning a week at a local regional hospital, I am at the front information desk, been doing this for about 20 years. I can direct visitors to where they need to go, or if they are elderly, I walk with them, and they are so thankful that I helped them find their way :)) You go home feeling really good about yourself.
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((((((mid)))))) There is failure here, but it is not you. Personally, I would call APS.
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Oh Midkid, you are not a failure. Stop believing what that self serving egg donor thinks about you. SHE IS WRONG!!

Find a way to share your lovely self with others that will appreciate you and all you do and are.

She can't win, unless you curl up and hide. She is the real loser here. She will never be able to fill the hole you have in your heart where a loving caring mom should be, so go out and fill it with love for others.

HUGS and Love 2 u!
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