Just finally truly giving up. And mixed emotions about it.
Many of you have read my past posts, elderly mother living with control freak brother, me trying to be a "good daughter' and provide what I could as far as extra care for mother for 14 years now. Brother and I recently "go into it" over his lack of care of mother--letting her apartment just get filthy and some concerns I had about her personal care that she simply cannot address alone anymore---and he lost it on me. Screaming and yelling that I am the problem and mother has a great life and he is in control and she's fine--and for me to stay the he** away and not talk to her or "upset her" further. He's done this before, and after a few months, he calms down and lets me back in. This time, no, it's not going to happen. I am not allowed inside his home, I have to pick mother up at the front door. Changed his garage code, so I can't "sneak" in. Won't answer the door if it's me. I give up. I was allowed to see mother on Sunday as it was her birthday. She sat and talked on the phone the whole entire time, so I begged off and left, told her I'd take her to lunch in a couple of weeks. I left. Mom's place reeks. It's filthy, but my standards, ropes of cobwebs falling off the ceiling fixtures, sticky floors, birdseed and feathers everywhere. Open garbage with wet depends in the bathroom--she has 3 aerosol "air fresheners" blasting away every 15 minutes--the air is toxic. The dogs come in her place and pee on the carpet regularly--she just puts a paper towel on it. I can't bear the state of her living conditions. I am also not allowed to do a single thing to help. She's content enough. She complains about brother, and has asked to move in with me. That's a hard pass. I have told her I'd help facilitate a move to ALF, but she balks. She really doesn't WANT to move, she wants sympathy. I find that I no longer have any sense of sympathy for her. Unusual for me, as a fixer, I FIX stuff. She doesn't seem to want things to change. I'm sick of being on the outs with brother (our relationship will NEVER be ok). In essence, I give up. Towel thrown in. Vacuum? Put away. Dead plants can continue to be dead. Urine soaked furniture can become more urine soaked. I feel dead inside from this knowledge. She wore me out. She won. Her manipulation between kids is all over. Nobody else was involved in her care, so she's going to have to accept that she helped facilitate this all. She LET brother run her life, and as much as she says she hates it, I cannot/will not help her further. She's just turned 88. She could easily live 10 more years. I feel sad, but have no more desire to be a part of something that's just been a nightmare for so long. I'm sure I am not alone in this. I guess, the feeling of being a terrible daughter (drilled into me since age 0)....and hopefully that will pass. My depression/anxiety is at an all time high--I just have to walk away.