Just curious, has anyone not gone to a parent’s funeral? If so, why? Do you regret not going? Has anyone not been told about a funeral?

Lealonnie,

You have always been a voice of reason for me. I don’t think I can ever be near my brothers again. Nor can my husband. So, I suppose I will not be at my mother’s burial even if my nephews do tell me. It’s just so hard at times.

You are absolutely correct. The person is deceased. The funeral, memorial or whatever a person has is for the family members. If I choose to I can go to the cemetery privately afterwards, when they are not around.

I tried forever to live in harmony with my brothers. Just not possible. Same with mom. I can say that I have some good memories with mom.

God knows that I tried to heal my relationship with my brother. His own sons don’t see eye to eye with him. They try to show some compassion for him because of his serious heart issues. He died on the operating table a few years back. He’s had numerous surgeries.

Forgive, sure that is wise and as you say, for me because I deserve to have peace. It isn’t about them. I appreciate the reminder of these things. Not just because of a response for me but for anyone else reading that might benefit from your wisdom. I can count on your sensible advice. That means a lot to me. Thanks so much.

I'm sure someone in the family will let you know when your mother passes away. It likely will not be one of your brothers, but one of your nephews or nieces. It will then be up to YOU whether or not to attend the funeral, providing there is one to attend. I personally believe we attend a funeral for US, not for them..........so we can say a final 'goodbye' of sorts and to have closure. To hear some prayers said for the departed's soul, and to partake of a ceremony in their honor. Love and respect has less to do with the ceremony than the rite of the ceremony itself, if that makes any sense. Then there is no regret, no 'should have's' or 'would have's' or things of that nature, either.

If you're not notified of mother's passing, well then, the decision is removed from you anyway, so that's that. You'll have no decision to make.

I truly hope you can find peace with yourself about all of this before your mother passes away. Before your brothers pass away, too. Just a sense of forgiveness for all that's transpired so that YOU can move on with your life. Forgiveness isn't for the offending party(ies), it's for US, so that we can allow ourselves to move on with life.

Sending you a hug and a wish for a peaceful and happy 2020.

Thanks for all of your responses. It helped to read the various responses. I appreciate your honesty.

I wrote this question with a very heavy heart. I’ve had so much heartache in my life that I am not even sure how I feel.

I don’t even know if I will have the opportunity to attend my mom’s funeral when she dies because as much as I gave and I truly gave more than anyone else in my family,

I became the one who was shunned because I stood up for myself. It’s baffling to me. I doubt if I will be notified of anything or if a notice will be placed in the newspaper.

I have no idea if anyone here understands. I don’t even know if I am looking for understanding. I suppose I am only trying to purge the deep hurt in my heart. I certainly don’t want anyone’s pity.

At this point in time I don’t know what I want. I suppose I want peace, it’s all I have ever wanted. I suppose I am reminiscing because we are approaching a new year and I am looking back at this one.

I have never had an issue with differences of opinions but I desire respect. I respect everyone as a human being but find it extremely difficult to give respect to those who have not given me equal respect which is why I felt I had to discontinue relationships with certain family members.

It’s not about holding grudges. If someone squares something away, I don’t hold a grudge in my heart. I hate grudges. But if a person holds a grudge against me then resolutions can’t happen. I finally accepted that.

I got tired of beating my head against a brick wall. I no longer wish to self abuse trying to please others and deny myself. Let’s face it. Some people can never be pleased. Toxic family members simply aren’t worth it.

I never want to feel ‘less than’ ever again. I am enjoying my husband and children again. They matter the most to me. I was lost and confused before. I was so used to the dysfunction that it started to feel normal. That’s sad.

It took a lot of therapy, the continual love of a good man, my sweet husband and the wonderful and wise people on this forum to help me see that a change was long overdue.

Thanks to all of you who prayed for me, never gave up on me and nudged me to move forward. I did not choose to burden my children or my friends. I held a lot of pain inside. It took quite awhile to even open up totally to my therapist. Thank God, he’s patient like my husband.

I don’t even feel that I can have a relationship with my mom because of the actions of my brothers. I spoke to her on the phone only a couple of times since she left my home to live with my brother.

I had to stop the insanity and ask her to leave my home and after all of their criticism if they feel they can do better, let them do it. Funny how mom’s doctors felt I did a wonderful job caring for her.

She wanted me to continue to be her ‘little girl’ that obeyed her every command and sacrifice everything for her. I tried that. My mental health was becoming fragile. My marriage took a hit. My kids missed me because I gave everything to mom and everyone else got the leftovers which wasn’t much!

My brother will absolutely try to control her thoughts and behavior just as he does with everyone else.

He had three wives leave him due to his controlling ways. The fourth wife isn’t going to leave and not collect his pension. His current wife is many years younger than he is.

My mom has no other place to go and she knows that after 15 years of living with me I am not going to allow her to live with me again. It nearly killed me.

So sorry this post is so long.

monica ,
im cursing the ground you walk on right now -- its much more honest than making a show after youre dead .

I will not attend my MIL's funeral---unless my heart does a 180 and I feel one ounce of compassion and sorrow by then. I'll go if DH feels he cannot handle it w/o me.

My BIL laughingly said she'd just told him he 'didn't get to speak at her funeral, she was writing him out of it'. He just laughed it off, and said he NEVER planned to do so, even when she asked, years ago.

My out of state kids already have asked if they have to come to Gma's funeral (we don't expect she will live out the year) and I told them no, they didn't need to come unless they really wanted to, nobody would 'talk'.

It will be short, poorly attended and mourned by few. That's a sad ending to 90 years on earth.

No judgment. Love and support to all of you.

I truly and genuinely did not want to attend my mother’s funeral - and I planned and hosted the damm thing!

This is exactly why I have asked for NO funeral or memorial service when I die. I think many, if not most, of us struggle with the "to go, or not to go" dilemma (for both family and friends) and worry about what other people will think if they don't attend. So much unnecessary stress! My only wish is that people who knew me during my life raise a glass (of anything they wish) to my memory, either in fondness or to wish me "good riddance" and curse the ground I walked on. Their choice in the privacy of their own home or favorite eatery or bar. Drop my ashes off at the cemetery and let them put me in the ground at their convenience. Everyone goes on with their lives and no one stresses about attending or not attending any services or gatherings.

I didn't attend my father's funeral. I was not informed of his death, nor were any of my siblings. We read about it in the paper a few days after the funeral.

Most or all of had gone to visit him in the hospital during his illness. We hadn't realized he was so close to death, though, and it wouldn't have helped if we had realized it. His second wife made the decision to exclude us, and my half-sister from that marriage went along. It created enormous bad blood from which the family never recovered.

That's just my experience. Choosing not to go is a whole different situation.

i dont care to have ' society's ' expectations imposed on me in any regard . when the day comes i can read a newspaper without feeling sick inside -- then maybe i'll develop a bit of respect for what ' society ' thinks .

just stay off my friggin hill with it -- weirdo's .

I have tried to avoid going to funerals in the past..It is just too difficult for me.

Do what is right for you. When my mother dies there will be no funeral, and if there was I wouldn't attend anyway. I have not spoken to her in 8 years.

I went to visit my mother before she died, even though we were out of touch for many years.

funerals bring ' virtue signalers ' seemingly right out of the woodwork .
i didnt go to my sons funeral . his mother was there in some garish leather ' harley davidson ' dress garb -- wailing like a gutshot banshee . i sat at home and sipped 190 and showed my respects by being embarrassed for jake .
later the funeral director wrote me and said he understood why i didnt attend . i didnt attend a two day ' celebration of life ' his mother pitched later either . it was a who's who list of the very scofflaw azzholes who contributed to the situation that got my son killed .
i,ll get what little closure i can when half of them are in handcuffs .

I have epilepsy. The first funeral I went to (an aunts) caused me to have a seizure that night. My parents fought my attending any others. However they couldn’t stop me as an adult and I learnt coping techniques as time went by.

Do I miss not going to some? - Only because I’d be promised I could go later to pay my respects quietly and that never happened.

However I liked even loved most of those who have passed. There were a handful, other friends relations who I’ve been to simply out of respect for the friend or the custom of our ways.

If you feel all that that could be said has been and that you do not need that closure then I guess there’s no need to.

If you feel that despite all that happened this was another human being who now their life has gone deserves some acknowledgment then maybe go. The service doesn’t take long.

An alternative might be a picture with a flower besides it that day.

Besides, if don’t go - you could always pay your “respects” at a later date if suddenly feel the need 🤷‍♂️ Cannot advise regarding a parent estranged or other since was very fortunate with mine.

Hope the decision you make feels right for you - all the best