I just have to vent today. I am an only child who had to move my folks out here to Independent Living in Colorado from Florida back in 2011 when Dad couldn't drive anymore. Got them placed in Assisted Living in 2014 after Dad fell & broke his hip; he passed in 2015. Mother is still alive at almost 93 and now living in the Memory Care building of the same AL they'd lived in since 2015. She is glad Dad died b/c he was never the husband she wanted or needed anyway, so Good Riddance to him. She had to move there after a bout with pneumonia in May which landed her in a wheelchair needing A LOT of help, more than AL could offer, and after her dementia had progressed to a moderate level. She is still pretty lucid, however, and in much better mental condition than most of the other 23 residents in Memory Care.
Mother has always been very difficult to deal with. In fact, when I heard about Dad's car accidents in 2011 and knew I had to move them here, I cried on my new husband's shoulder. We were married in 2009, have 7 children between us, and his parents are long gone. He could NOT understand why I would be crying over having my parents living back near me (my mother, NOT my father was who I was crying about).
Now he understands 100% why I was crying and has probably done some crying of his own when I wasn't looking.
All my mother does is complain. No matter how much is done for her, it's just never enough. She received 4 phone calls *that we know of* on Thanksgiving alone and said Big Deal when I remarked how nice it was that she got a lot of calls. "No I didn't" she said. Ok, I replied, because arguing gets me exactly NOWHERE. "Well don't get HUFFY" she said, to which I replied I wasn't. "When people call for TWO MINUTES it's like they didn't even call." So the calls she DID get weren't long enough, so they didn't count. She hates the two nieces that called her, and threw in that she'd be better off if neither of them EVER bothered calling her again.
She hates her neighbors at the MC. They're all 'idiots and morons' and she wishes some of them would die. One of them DID die a few days ago, now she's complaining about who might come in her place..............that person might be even WORSE. Most of the residents are DEAF, don't you know? It matters not that mother is 80% deaf herself and refuses to wear hearing aids. She finds it VERY annoying when SHE has to raise her voice to be heard. When I have to raise MY voice for her to hear me, I'm 'yelling'.
Yesterday I worked a typical 12 hour shift which left me with a typical headache. I called her on the way home and she was in a very foul mood, as usual. I should add that DH and I had gone to see her on Saturday, bringing over homemade manicotti, 2 bras that she 'needed b/c the others were stolen by the staff', and a HUGE box of Russel Stover chocolates. So.......last night, she says she may have looked fine on Saturday when we saw her, but 'people look fine one day and they're DEAD the next'. She's been 'threatening' to die now for several years. I told her I was sorry she wasn't feeling well, even though she refused to say *as usual* WHAT it was that she felt. She then went on to start crying saying she's 'soooooooooo lonely like a dawg in this room all alone all day'. I suggested she leave her room and join the activities in the main hall, to which she replied 'Yeah Okay Thanks, I knew I shouldn't have bothered you with MY problems.'
I'm sick and I'm tired. I'm 62 years old and every single day of my life my mother makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I should feel guilty for being alive. Like I should feel responsible for her LIFE, her social calendar, her entertainment, her misery, the fact that she's in a wheelchair which is also my fault b/c I didn't force her to walk again in rehab after bad neuropathy SHOULD have put her in a wheelchair 5 years ago.
Can anyone relate? What is YOUR "I can't cope anymore" story?
I love how you said people remember you for how you made them FEEL, not for how you look. Our mothers are the queens of 'how you look'. At 92, mine was the only one in MC getting her hair dyed blonde every month. The gray was bleeding through almost immediately, of course, so she finally stopped dying it and it looks much better gray. She also goes through an entire jar of wrinkle cream every month. It's not workin' Ma, even if I buy you a VAT!
What's amazing is these types of people can't figure out why people don't want to be around them. They do not get it. They are THAT self absorbed. One time I tried telling my mom... well, back up, my mom is very vain. She still does her hair and makeup even though it takes hours and she's not going anywhere and gets her nails done every two weeks. One time she made a snide remark about my lack of effort with my hair. I have a simple style with long hair. It's not like it's a rats nest or anything. So I said "I heard a basic truth one time, that when people remember you they don't remember how you looked, they remember how you made them FEEL." Needless to say it went right over her head.
I really hope you take a break from your mom if you are feeling even the slightest burn out. You know what you need to do. You have helped pull me out of a funk MANY times, so you do have the mental tools. Lean on your husband and forget about mommy dearest for awhile.
Huge hug to you.
My mom told the bank they were off by 30 cents! But she was right. Geeeez! 30 cents. Who cares? She did. That’s what living through the depression does to someone.
I told her that she missed her calling. She should have been an accountant!
Your saying that you want to run away brings back so many flashbacks. Gosh, I remember feeling that way constantly! I don’t buy lottery tickets. Never think about it but sometimes I am in line behind a person who is buying them and I would get these crazy fantasies about buying my own island and sipping tropical drinks while watching the waves roll in! Hahaha
I don’t even like sweet drinks! I’m a gin and tonic person if I order a cocktail.
Remember their unhappiness has nothing to do with us. It comes from within themselves. They are not happy with themselves and project it on to us!
I have wanted to leave and never look back many times...Europe does sound great. But it is better to deal with it in the here and now. But you know this.
I am sorry that you are in so much pain...I really do feel for you:(
Hugs!!
Shell, thanks for your kind words. Sometimes it's hard to step back and detach from all the pain she causes me. Some days are worse than others, you know? I just want to run away to Europe and leave no forwarding address.....I won't but I'd seriously like to
My brother on the other hand was her world. She did everything for him no matter how he treated her or what a piece of crap he is and he could use and abuse her and that was ok, but if my dad try to correct her or I said something out-of-line according to her she wouldn't talk to us for days. We were always the bad guys!
When I tell you--you are not alone and that I get it--believe me--I so get it!(
Our mothers can make us feel like crap about ourselves and about our lives but only if we give them the power. I took my power back. My mother can say and do whatever and I just let it roll off me and if it doesn't then I find a way to let it go whether it is self talk, prayer, bible study or whatever I need to do! My mother is not stealing my life maybe she doesn't think much of me, but God loves me and will always fight for me and with me. He is bigger than her! And that is what I tell myself and that my dad loved me as well.
Just my thoughts!
Hugs!!!
*This to shall pass. You will get through this difficult time.
Just keep letting it out!
Oh, and the 'cold shoulder' is known as The Silent Treatment & a very popular weapon in the narc's arsenal to use against us. I'm very familiar with it......it's been used against me since I was a little kid.
My lot were dismissing aides then calling to ask "can you just...". Now just *hint* at me instead or relative arrives with no aide knowing I will be there. They thought I'd like to get the 'clean catch' sample for the query uti as aide was booked for transport TO Doctor only - not to stay to assist. *hint* there's a Doctor appointment....
I have had enough of these shenanigans.
Yep! They do insult us. As much as we try to be respectful of them I must admit that I would lose it sometimes. Oh boy, but let us insult them and they have a fit!
I was also called stupid, but that's a whole other story for another time. ;-)
Hahaha. Scandinavia!
Kid 1. I have no idea but I'll be living in Scandinavia.
Kid 2. Eww. That's YOUR problem.
As you know I no longer am mom’s caregiver. One thing that really got to me was she got upset if I confronted her about things. She would either flat out deny. My response to that was, “So mom, are you saying I am lying?” To which she would say that I wasn’t lying.
Mind boggling! I told her she couldn’t have it both ways. She couldn’t deny things and not call me a liar. Either she did what I confronted her about or I was lying. It could not be both! Then she would sit in silence! The cold shoulder.
She hated being confronted about anything but she could outright interrogate anyone that she pleased.
Does anyone else’s mom feel that they should never be confronted? I don’t mean in a nasty way. We shouldn’t confront in anyone in a nasty manner. First of all, that’s mean. Secondly, it automatically puts people in a defensive position. People shouldn’t get so upset about being confronted.
Just for fun I did some copy & paste..
She's in a wheelchair. She wishes to walk again.
Mother is old and annoying.
She is alive and responsible for her misery.
You said "much better mental condition than most of the other 23 residents in Memory Care'. It does sound like she needs more to do, more activity, more social contact? Would she be able to join in some activities (appropriate level) in other sections? Like a movie afternoon, chair exercise, siinging? Whatever they have on offer. (Aide to w/c her there). All her complaining & snarkiness may be her expressing her boredom & loneliness. Her feelings are HER responsibility but I suppose she's a bit powerless to change things - hence more huff! A good Facility Manager should try to meet their residents needs - social & emotional. Hit them with that sentence!
Let’s make a toast to not screwing up our kids!
🍷
I will NEVER do this to my children, my husband and I have vowed! I'm sorry you are going through something similar, but would like to thank you for sharing your struggles. It does help me.
Fortunately, I've had a great support system with the hospice staff at my Mom's AL. I just got off the phone with them this morning after I had yet another disturbing phone call with my Mom last night.
Negative is an understatement. She's wanted to die for 20 yrs as she's done living and seen all that she's wanted to see (she's now 91). Both my parents moved up by me 5 yrs ago so that I could look after them (no, I'm not an only child, pls see paragraph #1 above). My Dad couldn't take it any longer and left my Mom after 65 yrs of marriage. It's been difficult for me and my family to say the least.
I try to remain positive with her although it's difficult. The positivity part of all this is that this is a perfect example of how not to grow old gracefully.
Hang in there. Try to remain positive. Use this as an example of what not to do to our kids. :-)