So my husband has been so sick the past year, couldn't get out of bed much at all and hasn't left the house for 11 months. I really thought he was dying from kidney failure (he had been stage 3 a year ago). I was sure he had worsened. We were finally able to get labs this week. I thought this would be the time we know what is going on. Low and behold, his GFR has gone up from 50 to 87. In fact his is better than mine, lol. I know it is just a snapshot in time and multi-factors go into to the equation. But, I guess I am here to tell on myself. I thought he was dying...and when I saw the improved numbers, I felt a little disappointed. OMG, how awful of me. He is still very sick and his sodium is lower than ever, but looks like we will be carrying on for a while. I want to be compassionate and have no regrets about my caregiving and hopefully I can do that. Thinking the end was near made it a little easier to be compassionate. But I know one never knows how much time we have, so it is good to be mindful that every day could be the last day and to be kind.

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Oh sweetie, don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Everytime I see my husband sleeping I hope and pray he's still breathing, and hope and pray he isn't. My creative intelligent husband is now a confused unhappy shadow of himself. He has not yet reached the state where he doesn't know something weird is happening to him. It breaks my heart. But it's my reality and I've accepted it. I will be sad when he dies but I will rejoice that his suffering is over. And I'm okay with that.
Sending you waves of comforting energy.

Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling that way. Caregiving is enormously stressful - mentally, physically, and emotionally. It is a natural reaction to feel some relief when you believe the end is in sight. Plus thinking about losing your loved one is emotional and very sad - it’s tough to prepare for that repeatedly without it actually happening. You feel how you feel, so just acknowledge those feelings and let them be. Doesn’t make you a terrible person at all.

Thank you for responding, I appreciate your kind words and advice. I have been more diligent as of late trying to carve out some time for refreshment for myself. And you are right, really feeling the strain lately. But I know my times are in God's hands and he will give me the grace to go on as long as it needs be.

I think it is sometimes a real conundrum that we are the caregivers of the very people who control our lives when going through their peaks and valleys.

Often on here the phrase “conflict of interest” comes up when discussing if a POA should do this or that.

What about the conflict of interest or the ethics of providing care for someone who is sucking the very life from you. It’s a lot for the human brain to sort through and be on the higher side of at some junctures.

Of course you love your husband and you have your standards of care that you don’t want to disappoint … but you are a human and an occasional acknowledgment that life is hard and would be easier if you were not so involved with DH care is probably a relieve valve of sorts.

Perhaps rather than think how awful or OMG that you just acknowledge your feelings (as you have done)

perhaps you could take it as a wake up call for yourself that you need to add another layer of help for him and for yourself.

Not in a I’m awful frame but with gratitude.

Thank you brilliant mind of mine, for letting me know I need a little break here to rejuvenate and refresh myself so I can continue to care for my dear one until he is ready to pass on.

Acknowledging a step needs to be taken is a start and brings some relief. You have to actually take the step which can be as small as an afternoon away to an actual placement. Depending on his needs and your ability to recover. So often, we wait too long and are completely worn out before we take action.

I like your reminder to be kind but that extends to being kind to yourself as well.

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