Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
As for my wife, hes got the idea in his head not from me. Brothers GF is the the Chosen One because she goes up there, does his shopping, does his laundry (Another long story that one). A few times in the past hes asked me to ask my wife (yeh exactly) if she can do his laundry and I've said no so hes got it from there I think.
Also, I've said a few times no I can't do xyz because wife is going somewhere. He seems to think that she needs to change her behaviour too to fit in with his needs.
The laundry argument is a long running one - he knows full well shes not got time and, despite many offers of me to sort a washing machine, hes stuck to his guns that he cant use a washing machine and its "womens work" anyway). So know I think well crack on then (As the saying goes).
Some of us don’t have agreeable siblings.
It’s funny because only children feel a burden of being alone in these situations but those with siblings who choose not to or can’t participate are alone too.
It is very nice when siblings can work together. I knew two sisters who shared responsibility equally. They got along. The mother did not pit one against the other. They were lucky. They were a pleasure to be around. It was like that up until their mom died.
Seriously, you have a great family and deserve to enjoy them. I am glad you take time to travel with them. They deserve a break too.
You know, I will admit I am stressed with being my mom’s caregiver. Our family feels our stress. It’s contagious and I hate that. We need to stop procrastinating. Really, we do.
It’s only fair to our spouses and kids. My kids are grown and out of the house but I still want to see them more. Plus see friends my own age. We deserve that for ourselves too.
Holidays! Oh my God! The stress is magnified a million times. Let me tell you what I did a couple of years back. First I have to set the story up. I was the one who cooked BIG holiday meals! For years and years. My brothers never hosted anything. I Invited everyone! A lot of work!
I am a fantastic cook like my mom and grandma was. I took over when they no longer could.
One day I told my husband that I quit! Was never going to cook a holiday meal again for my family. The smile on his face was delightful!
My husband is a very laid back, easy going, electrical engineer. He is extremely logical, sees everything in black and white. I am the creative one who sees all the gray areas. We balance each other and at times drive each other crazy. He is my rock and I adore him. We love and respect each other.
So, he said to me that he loved my cooking but for me to take a total break and not cook at all. I couldn’t warm up to the idea at first. I actually love cooking and was going to cook just for my immediate family and mom. But then, I started to dream. I spent time in Florida every summer. My dad grew up in Florida. I loved going there with my family before mom moved in so I asked my husband about spending Thanksgiving in Florida. He really smiled big then! He said, make reservations now! So I did!
Sprung it on my family. One brother stayed here, with mom. He is divorced, grown children so he could do it. Both brothers spent Thanksgiving Day with her.
The only mistake I made was that I foolishly cooked the entire meal before I left! I wanted to make sure mom had a great holiday meal. My husband understood but was disappointed that I did that. I shouldn’t have.
Went to Florida for four days and had the time of my life! Had been so long since I went away. I saw the light in my husband’s eyes again. I saw my daughters, they came with us relax because I was relaxed. They feel our stress. It’s not good for any of us. It’s hard. Change may be slow for some of us but it’s got to happen at some point. Don’t you agree?
And where, pray, could he possibly have got the impression that your inability to help him at the weekend was connected with your wife's activities? He's not in touch with her. He hasn't got the house under surveillance. Only one way he could have heard any suggestion of it - and that's from you.
Your feeling miserable and overburdened is not your dad's fault, not your brother's fault, not your wife's fault, God knows not your kids' fault. You are feeling like this partly, true, because you do have a heck of a lot on your plate; but also because you because you waste so much time on blaming others and creating nebulous, pointless, endless, defensive arguments instead of Saying NO.
And the next time your Dad says he's going to have a word with your wife, wish him luck.
Your dad and my brother would get along! On wife number 4! Gives advice all the time. We have been married 40 years!
Wife #1, he was young, age 18, 2 kids, had affairs. Didn’t keep a job! Wife kicked him out!
Wife # 2 oooh, good job, he could live off her paycheck! Wanted kids, my brother didn’t want kids with her, he had more affairs. One affair was with the neighbor. Volunteered with police department. He goes to police academy, becomes a cop.
Wife #3. The neighbor he had the affair with. His ex wife, wife #2 and wife #3’s ex husband consoled each other, they married and are still married today. So basically they swapped spouses. My mom said that happened on her soap opera! Haha. Stepchildren with wife #3.
Has another affair with very young woman. Wife #3 kicked him out of house.
I don’t understand a woman who cheated with a man and then believed he would be faithful to her! How is that logical?
Wife #4, woman he had an affair with, this time with a woman younger than his kids! The 911 dispatcher from police department. He plays guitar and she sings. They made music together, How sweet! Haha Isn’t that convenient? Stepchildren went to live with their father.
He’s too old to fool around now, serious health issues and has a young nurse to help him in his senior years! She got the raw end of that deal.
Don’t care about age difference either but he’s just sickening with his holier than Thou attitude.
I know people make make mistakes but he has issues.
Oh and don’t stick around to listen to him talk about religion and politics. He’s an expert on that too! Geeeez! My family is nuts!
Like many shut-in elders, he's become a demanding, self-centered, life sucking vampire. He can't see beyond HIS own needs. No use convincing him. He's too wrapped up in himself to see anyone's point of view.
Your phone's END button and voicemail features are your best friends to save your sanity. Use them.
I notice that you seem to want to convince him, want him to see your point of view, want him to agree. I could be wrong, but that's the impression I get reading your posts. You're wasting your time, and will only succeed in aggravating yourself. So, stop doing that.
Just set aside whatever day and time you can visit him, then tell him that. When he demands that you come on other days and times, just tell him no, you have other obligations, and you will see him on your designated day. Don't explain yourself or give him reasons. Just say bye and use the END button.
One good thing about your situation compared to many others, your dad isn't living with you. If he did, he might have destroyed your marriage.
He's gone mental and needs an evaluation of his cognitive processes.
After this weekends disagreement, it seems my wife is taking the blame. Don't know why to be honest. Dad has now come out with "I need to have a word with her and tell her whats what and shes going to have to understand".
To be fair my dear wife had nothing to do with my recent dealings with him. She just keeps out of it and away from him (which I can't blame her for to be honest).
Lucky I was in work to be honest otherwise I could detect imminent launch to planet meltdown at my end. My Dads been divorced twice, never been married more than 10 years apparently, yeh he thinks its ok to give me marital advice. Jeezzzzzzzzz I'm going to block his calls from now on during the day...... otherwise my head is going to implode.
Just saying the other day my wife and I have been together 30 years now (married 22 of those).
He had to the nerve to say "Yes I don't mind if you go away, it'll be a nice break, I expect I'll manage". WTF since when do I need to ask permission?
Holidays as you can imagine are a trying time. We normally come to Florida for 3 weeks. The weeks before are hell with all sorts of illnesses coming out in at attempt to convince me I shouldn't go. When I'm there he expects phone calls pretty much daily with the excuse he's worried about me. (BTW - he hates Americans and thinks the USA has gangland shootings on every corner. The only crook I've ever seen in central florida has got two big ears ;-)
I refuse to pander to this and he goes mad. Its 5 hours time difference to the UK which doesn't help, phone calls especially mobile/cell calls cost a fortune and, the main reason, I'm actually having fun with my young family! I do ring him but not as much as he'd like.
Polar - even if I paid for the food he'd refuse. Hes thought of this "loophole" and told me this. Of course, its all a scam to make sure I visit (which as I said I do anyway. Perhaps less these days because of the way he is - his behaviour actually makes me less inclined to visit!).
I usually just say “oh, sorry” and ignore if he keeps it up. It’s super aggravating.
Worth every penny to be sure!
That’s under his $15 weekly food budget. Good job!
Have a feeling Paul’s dad won’t agree though 😕
One of the reasons your dad doesn't want grocery delivery because of the extra cost. Obviously, he's sensitive to the expense even though he has money. Then, how about enticing him with a free trial period. Tell him you will pay for his groceries to be delivered at no cost to him for a couple of weeks, a month, or a few deliveries, or whatever you decide. Maybe throw in some of his favorite food, steaks and lobster tails (that'll entice me :D ), a bottle of wine, etc. Will he say no to that offer?
If he doesn't want to accept food, good good, delivered for free to his door, then it's HIS decision to STARVE himself. No loss to you. And be sure, if he's really starving, he will not say no.
If he says yes, then he can see how convenient it is and that there is nothing to fear about having groceries delivered. He might even strike up conversations with the delivery person and have a laugh or two. You never know. Then hopefully after that, he will continue to accept deliveries and pay for them himself.
Or, to keep him interested, you can offer to pay for his food periodically. Think of it this way, either you spend time, and money on gas, driving around to pick up and drop off groceries, or you can spend it on having the them delivered. Money you would otherwise spent on gas or a therapist to gripe about your dad. Haha.
I just wish you the best. I truly do. I understand. I’ve been a caretaker of many for many years. I know how it feels when there is so much on your shoulders that you just can’t juggle any more. And then life gives you more, and more.
I hope you can still can see the positives in your life. We all have them.
One day, we are driving along, irritated about our own long “to do list” and then we get rear-ended by a truck, and our problems and “to do list” become a lot worse. At this juncture, it is our choice to be angry or grateful.
We all should do our best to find the positive (or at least —-the least of the negatives) every day.
Teach your kids this. Show them that you can still be strong and happy when times are tough, when you are facing illness, adversity, frustrating circumstances, pain, hurt, loss.
Life wasn’t supposed to be fun—- but when it isn’t, you can still have fun, you can still enjoy. You can still appreciate. You can make your own happiness by dedicating yourself to being happy.
Your dad survived without your help! Yay! You did it! You didn’t buckle under to his ridiculous suggestion of walking to the store. He was being incredibly inconsiderate and you pointed that out to him and followed through with telling him no. Keep it up! Good for you!
Sooner or later, he will see he can’t push you past your limit. Maybe not overnight but soon.
Your family needs you. You need them. You deserve time together, so dad has to compromise. End of story.
Let him start nagging your brother. If he won’t, oh well, he won’t starve. He will figure it out.
As usual Barb and CM gave great responses! I have benefited from their advice. I was like you and had a ton of excuses for mom. Some of my excuses were legitimate but many were not. We have to deprogram ourselves from the cult of mom or dad!
I enjoy chatting with my 97 year old cousin. She is delightful. It is wonderful to speak with an intelligent, interesting person in my nutty family. You may want to reconnect with your aunt.
CM is correct by saying hang up! I can’t hang up on mom, she lives with me but I have learned to walk away to a different room when needed.
Your dad IS who he is and is not going to change; neither will your brother. You clearly have a different set of values than the others you know in your family. But it would be interesting to some folks to find out where those values come from.
Let me tell you a story. I have a second cousin who grew up not knowing his mom's (my) family. His dad's family was a carousing, drinking cops and firefighters crew. Lovely, wonderful people. But my cousin didn't really fit it. He was a closet intellectual. He's gay. He googled his mom's last name and lo and behold, he discovered the OTHER end of the family, the folks with PhDs and tenure track jobs at major universities. It opened his eyes to where HE fit in.
Just saying, something might be waiting for you at your aunt's, over tea.
He is, however, your only available Dad; and he's an old man in poor health; and whatever his shortcomings, he did stick around.
Besides, none of this makes any difference. You give him the care you're willing to give him because of what you are like. Not because of what he is like, and certainly not because of the Parent Points he accumulated while you were growing up.
Nah seen mom about 3 times in 45 years... Still resident of Edmonton, Alberta I believe. Her sister (who I did see a lot growing up) still lives near Dad. I've often considered getting more info from her to be honest.
BUT do I want to find out? Dad is already causing me major grief. Do I want to find out that the hes not the saint hes painted himself to be during our childhood (which is what I fear may be true)?
I already have to admit to myself that, event though hes my Dad and I love him, he does not treat people right. Not sure if I want to find out that hes worse.
Interesting situation, that he (voluntarily) took you boys at a time when daddy-custody was quite rare. Was mom troubled in some way? Have you ever talked to your mom about that whole situation, or your dad?
Look, Paul, one of the things about being a "real" grownup is letting go of our childhood myths. "Daddy adored his Mother in Law and she him" was a line that was frequently fed to me in my childhood. One of my cousins said that recently and I spit out my wine, it was so laughably false.
It takes guts (and sometimes therapy) to come to an appreciation (by which I mean a fully rounded evaluation) of the flawed human beings who parented us. But that knowledge is also self-knowledge and it's a useful tool to have, both in dealing with your own children and your parents.
He has some ideas what is indulgent. Owning a car that cost more than £200, taxis etc. so I see what you mean.
I mentioned his neighbours because a lot of them are elderly like him. If they do something he sometimes will as well.
As for the strangers bringing food, I don't mean neighbors getting delivery. What I mean is that anyone who thinks of Pasta Bolognese as
"foreign rubbish" is likely to have some old fashioned ideas about food delivery. Like, that perhaps it's only for the indigent...or the very rich.
I'm simply suggesting that having a conversation about that with him might be useful. Rather than shouting at him "home truths".
He has got kids but they are no longer part of his life shall we say.
Two partners, 3 kids. Acrimonious splits but hes just never pursued it. Would rather moan on facebook. He even once refused to file with the courts to force ex to reveal new address - because it cost £200 (a few nights out for him)
In both cases, Dad agreed with him not to bother. Because it cost money and brother couldnt afford it (he can afford it easily!). You can see how they both are with family? Im the black sheep.
Whats really weird is my parents divorced when I was three. Lived in Canada at the time. Dad voluntarily opted for custody (so he says) and came back to the UK with both of us and brought us up which was very rate in the 70s. Hardly seen mother since.
Knowing Dad as I've got older its totally out of character with him. I don't understand it. He tells my brother to leave his kids, he can't do anything so forget them.
I'll probably never find out but I always wonder if his story about how things worked out when we were young is true. It doesn't sound like him. I wonder if he got somehow forced into a situation he didn't want.
Also, he remarried when I was older (got divorced when I was 23). Step mother wasn't great but I saw first hand just how he was being married to someone and it wasn't great the way he behaved at times.
He could afford gold dipped chips, delivered by naked supermodels in the back of a Ferrari Testarossa if he wanted to!
Im sure some of his neighbours have food delivered. As CM says its popular in the UK right now - and easy to do. But they wont deliver £5 worth of food for obvious reasons.
Its just a scam from him. If he gets it delivered its one less thing to hang over me as an excuse to get me to go there.
Look, it's hard when the folks in your extended family don't understand that children and wives come first. And who don't understand that while your work isn't physical, mental stress from the kind of job you have is trebly exhausting.
You're not going to change folks who are thick and stubborn. You can only change your own attitude and behavior. Have you ever thought about getting some professional advice about all this?
Waitrose delivery drivers, Wiltshire Farm Foods delivery drivers, and as far as I know Iceland too, will not allow orders to be left on the doorstep. Tesco and Sainsbury similarly. They will come into the house and unpack the food. They are all DBS certified. It's an incredibly competitive market and I haven't yet encountered a problem, except when Ocado's freezers broke down and they sent their drivers out on Christmas Eve with - I quote - "big chickens" instead of their customers' turkey orders. I'd booked the 6am delivery slot and was one of the lucky ones, my turkey was safe, first thing I checked, of course. The poor driver looked haunted. He was going to get lynched and he knew it. But I digress...
If you enjoy futile arguments with your Dad, then please, carry on and don't mind us. If you don't, there are many, many solutions.