It's been a hard week....

CM is so right on this.

Stay strong on not sharing wife’s number. He has yours and access to brother. No one needs more than that. Don’t justify. Just say “you have the numbers you need, Dad. You have been using my number incessantly. I am not putting wife on the receiving end of that.” Every time he asks, just repeat. This is a relatively easy opportunity for you to exercise your “independence from Dad’s disapproval” muscles. And once you have a win under your belt, saying no will get easier.

Why do you tell him when you are going out of town? Or what you spend your money on? He has proven that he can’t handle that type of info, for whatever reason.

Some people, due to their personality or their conditioning, feel like they have to share everything going on in their world with their parents. Maybe earlier in life, their parents were helpful and it was nice to talk to them. Maybe their parents just conditioned them toward wanting approval. Either way, though, if parents get to the point where your father seems to be, the information flow has to become one way, for your own sanity. This is hard, no doubt, and will take practice. But, removing your life’s events from his cauldron of rumination will make your life better in the future.

Little victories are so important... the phone number is one of these. Good luck to you.

Paul. Have you said to him: "I am not going to give you [wife's name]'s number."?

Not, there's no need. Not, she's very busy. Not excuse, reason, counter question, alternative suggestions, evasion.

I am not going to give you her number. Like so. Yes? If not, do. That is what you say. Repeat in a mirror, if it helps: "I am not going to give you her number."

CM - Because he asked me and keeps on asking me. Hes now asked about 10 times. His argument is that he needs it just in case he can't get hold of me. This harks back to last week...

Correct I have told him no there is no need for him to have her number.

To be honest, if he ended up ringing her multiple times because he was too impatient to wait for me to call him, it would REALLY pee off my wife.

?!?!?!?!!?

Why are you even thinking about giving your wife's number to your father? Why is this even a question?

You have told your father that you will not give him the number, correct? "No, Dad, I'm not giving you her number." Like that. In words. Yes or no?

So hes still going on about it.... Me not letting him have my wifes mobile number....

I have spoken to him about his OTT escalation last week but I don't think its sunk in to be honest. I just know that next time he can't get hold of me for 30 mins hes just going to try and call my wife. And he'll keep calling her if she doesn't answer.

As I've said, my wife keeps away from him, and I can't blame her. He doesn't realise what hes done in the past and is oblivious to it all and genuinely thinks that hes never upset anyone. It won't end well if wife is in work one day and gets 20 calls from Dad....

Should I stick to my guns and say no you don't need wifes number?

I've tried to explain to him, there could be MANY reasons why he can't get hold of me. Escalating to emergency levels within hours is not good. If, in the unlikely event, I ever experience a major issue and end up in hospital etc. then I'm sure someone will let him know at an appropriate time.

Off to Spain in week or so. Mobile signal is a bit ropey. Can guarantee he'll be in full on panic mode until I phone him when I get there.....

Am I only the one who gets this? Constant badgering/worrying/flapping from an elderly parent. Sometimes I just think Jeez just give me some space and leave me alone sometimes.

I certainly did the other week when I was ill - last thing I wanted was to worry about how upset Dad was because he didnt have the latest update.

CM - Exactly. If he doesn't want to go that's up to him.

If he doesn't want to go, really doesn't want to go, who's going to make him? Why isn't that fine? Is it especially important to your brother that he's there? I should let him please himself unless there's some fantastically good reason to insist he attends.

Polar - To be honest he doesn't want to go anyway. He'd be glad if they said he wasn't invited.

I just ignored him when he was spouting off that he'd be glad when its all over. Not like hes got any involvement! Thats him all over (he says the same about Xmas!)

He literally lives 500 yards from where the wedding is taking place too.

As you can see, with Dad, its ALL about money and not spending it (despite having loads). He was the same when I was a kid.

Lets just say we have lots of disagreements about spending money. Personally, my attitude is its not good being the richest man in the graveyard.

Dad doesn't see a point in your brother and his GF getting married and complains about the cost? Yes, that's funny. Funnier would be for the brother and wife to be to tell him they didn't see a point in inviting him. What would the look on his face be like? Haha.

After last weeks incidents I was a little surprised he hadn't called my wife. (Glad too because she would have told him to do one).

So this weekend he says he hasnt got her number (which explained it) and can he have it. Umm no Dad. You don't need my wifes number because I know damn well you will just abuse it and ring her when I dont answer. He was not happy.

To be honest, he is generally oblivious to the hassle he causes and the way he treats people. It goes over his head. I don't think he realises just how peed off my wife would be if he started hassling her just because he can't reach me for an hour or two.

I pointed out that I was 50 years old and could look after myself. In the event of emergency, there's not a lot he could do to help, and, of course, I do have my own family who are quite capable of informing him of anything if the situation arises. Again not happy.

Polar - Yes Florida in August (as every year). As I've said, its an "experience".

Dad hates the USA (hes been there once) because hes convinced there are drive by shooting on every street corner.

Also for some reason he hates that I take time off work for holidays (because I don't get paid). He goes on about that ALL the time like hes got a say in it! But thats Dad for you he thinks he has a right to an opinion on everyones business.

(Quite funny - brother is getting married in a few weeks. Hes already had a dig at brothers partner for spending too much on the wedding and has said three times now he doesnt see the point in them getting married. Classic!)

jacobsonbob - wife stays out of it and away from him. Wants nothing to do with him any more. Can't say I blame her.

Shes great. She can't stand him (hes done treated her VERY badly in the past) but knows hes my Dad etc.

All - yes he went through a phase of calling the doctor - they'd tell him he was fine. Then he'd call an ambulance - they said he was fine. They'd then bother stop coming out.

So he'd call me CONSTANTLY. I knew he was ok because about 10 different medical professionals had looked at him Yet STILL he wanted me to do something (Im not a medical professional!)

Paul,

Make sure you and your wife are "on the same page" so your father doesn't manage to get a word in edgewise (like a child trying to pit one parent against the other).

"In the past I have blocked his number. I've had no choice."

That's great Paul. I'm glad to know and a bit surprised that you had it in you to block his calls before. The one thing that I would disagree is the "I've had no choice" part.

Make that a choice, Paul, and use it often. Choose to block his calls. Don't wait until you're backed into a corner, or harassed until you reach the end of your rope before you take that choice.

When are you going on vacation? Florida?

Gotta love the "old" excuse! Mom used that as defense for being forgetful... I'm entitled to forget. Problem is she would forget how much she would forget! Mom had early dementia at that stage, but your dad doesn't. Old doesn't cut it. I'm considered old at this point, but I don't behave like that, despite needing help with something, I fend for myself. Clearly he is used to getting people to bend to his will and will continue to do so. Let him, just don't respond and certainly don't ask how high when he says JUMP! It is hard to ignore, especially when he can call and harass, but it has to be worked on and to get better at it!

Clearly responding, trying to reason with him and/or ignoring doesn't work, as he continues, but you can only work on your OWN behavior and response to his shenanigans. Response should be blocking, ignoring and letting whatever roll off. Laugh it off if you have to - find the humor in it....

In the past I have blocked his number. I've had no choice.

At the moment, he knows hes upset me. However, I really think he justifies it all in his head that "hes old".

I had a chat the other day and laid it out for him. I will do anything within reason to help him, but I won't do things needlessly just because he gets an idea in his head. Also, hes got to realise I have other responsibilities too. Also, I told him I won't run around like an idiot just to save him a few pennies because he likes to do it.

Unfortunately, I don't think it sunk in. He still seems to think that it my duty to do whatever he wants me to do.

Wife just avoids him at the moment. Can't say I blame her. I'm not letting him rope her in. As you can imagine, because she refuses to get involved with him, she is now the Devils spawn in his eyes.

Polar - Know what you mean. Yes I think he would do something like call the police to be honest.....

Its weird how he is. He knows his "worrying" causes problems but he still does it. I sat him down last night and was blunt and told him, no offence, but I can look after myself and have been an adult for over 30 years.

For anyone "getting a bit sick of hearing how hard all this is for you." - last I checked, you are free to skip over the posts. Same advice we're giving paulfoel123 - don't answer the call (BTW paulfoel123, does your phone have the 'Do Not Disturb' option? If so, use it. If not, turn off the sound, at least for calls. Wish they had an option for different outgoing messages for specific numbers instead of just different rings for those calls...)

If you made the mistake of answering this call, hit the close button. No one is forcing you to read or respond. Move along, nothing to see here...

Paul,

Change your number! Just kidding. Seriously, stop answering your phone. Remember when your car broke and you couldn’t help him. This time tell him your phone is acting up and you need to have it serviced. Sooner or later he will get the point. He is going to give you a heart attack! Your wife sounds lovely. You have two great kids. They need you and you deserve to enjoy your family. Take care, Paul.

Paul - I can see your predicament and agree that you can only control your actions and reactions to your dad's provocative behavior.

Regarding your concern that dad will up the ante next time, what would that be? Calling the police to track you down while you're on vacation? So what? Let him call. What is the worst that could happen if the police finds you? Nothing.

You can inform them that dad and brother know your whereabouts but insist on harassing you to ruin your vacation. His calling the police will be come a big nothing. He can't call them again because they will just ignore him.

Again, let his calls go to voicemail. Don't let him ruin your vacation. If it's ruined because you keep picking up his calls, then it's you who ruins your own vacation.

Just because he doesn't have a life doesn't mean you shouldn't either.

CM - I agree. GP won't support me, he won't entertain the idea of anything.

To a certain extent I can't control what he does. He makes decisions and I can't do anything about it.

All I can do is to control what I do - as others have told me thousands of times on here. I did that last weekend - not letting Dad get his way and trying to look after myself when I was ill.

CM - You mention the phone calls thing. I had a chat with him last night about it. Asked him about that day.

He knew exactly how many times he'd phoned me. He knew the exact times, the times he'd rung my mobile, times he rung my landline. He even said he'd contacted my brother to ring me and text me because I wasn't answering.

When I said well look you knew I was ill in bed, and I had said I'd ring you that day anyway, didn't you?

His answer - yes I know you were ill but I wanted to speak to you to see if you were going back to the doctors and I wanted to know if you could do my shopping.

Yes he gets pre-occupied with what he wants and how he thinks people should react, which is a little strange, but he knows what hes doing.

Also, this is important and you need to clarify it in your own mind.

You say your father is of sound mind - I'd challenge that, but pass for the time being - and able to make his own decisions. That you can't do that for him.

But that does not mean that you are forced to agree with his opinion or with his decisions. You are entitled to have your own opinion about what is in his best interests. Form it, and stick to it, and act accordingly. Do not support what you believe to be poor, wrong decisions that are detrimental to his welfare.

What is incorrect? Someone who cannot keep track of the timing and frequency of telephone calls is disoriented. You think your father is setting out to harass and bully and annoy you when he makes a ceaseless string of phone calls. But, sorry, that again is you thinking poor you instead of poor him. He is dialling constantly because he feels anxiety and is trying to allay it. You should be concerned about his anxiety and his muddled thinking, not about your irritation.

You say YES without a doubt. So what are you doing to make it happen? How many care homes have you contacted? How many have you visited? What admissions teams have you spoken to for advice?

You do not need your father's permission to take any of these steps. You will need support and help to win him round. So GET SOME.

CM - with respect, not totally correct as you describe him. Some of it, yes, I would agree.

In answer to your question, YES without a doubt.

However, my opinion doesn't matter. Dad is of sound mind and able to make his own decisions - I can't make those for him.

Your father is in poor health. He has chronic pain. His house is squalid. He struggles with basic routines such as laundry and shopping. He is lonely. He is constantly anxious. He is losing orientation.

I'm getting a bit sick of hearing how hard all this is for you.

"I need x y z." "Yes, you would have all those if you were in care."
"Dad needs x y z." "Yes, he should be in care."

Yes/no answer. Do you agree that your father should be in care?

No "buts" - yes, but he doesn't want to, he'll never agree, there's nothing available, he won't blah blah blah.

Do you yourself think that your father would have a better life if he were in residential care?

Paul,

Stop falling into line and he will get the message loud and clear.

Know what you all mean about "tell him no whats he going to do".

BUT as demonstrated last weekend hes not going to be willing to go for this. He proved this weekend he will up the ante to get what he wants.

My brother is a complete idiot. He is so full of it. I know full well that when it suits him he lays low yet he seems to have taken on the role of Dads "protector" to ensure I fall into line. So he thinks....

paul: So what if he's OTT - "Over the Top.?" Let it be.