Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
It is hard having a parent live in our home. Was hard when I was going back and forth from my house to hers before that as well.
I think if your dad moved in with you we would see headlines in the newspaper or see a report on the news about it! One of you would kill the other one! Haha, hope you know I am kidding.
Another alternative, you’d be in a mental institution! Alone and divorced because he isn’t nice to your wife or children. You know I am joking.
I am grateful that my mom is not nasty to my husband. My husband is so calm, has a very even keel. Not much gets him rattled. He is very easy going with my mom. He has been my calming force at times. A hug from him is precious to me.
You mentioned your son’s behavior, exactly, he’s a teenager! It’s almost their rite of passage or their job to test us, haha. They wouldn’t be kids if they didn’t try! They all do. People who say they have perfect kids are lying!
My husband has always dressed very well, from the time we dated. I was the free spirit in t-shirts, halter tops, blue jeans, shorts and sundresses when we met.
I dressed up to go somewhere special but otherwise I didn’t. I was so active cycling on my bicycle or out and about with friends. He was active, he was a track runner but when not exercising he was always dressed in nice clothes. He loves dressing nicely. Of course I dressed professionally at work.
My daughters hated if my husband took them shopping. They preferred when I took them. He wanted them dressed nicely even if they were just hanging out with friends. They were like me, extremely active and wanted to be comfortable. The first time he saw the girls in the ‘ripped up jeans’ look, he looked at me and said, “We paid money for that!” Was so funny. I said, yes and if that is all we have to worry about, so what? He realized they had their own taste. He shook it off and agreed.
I remember reading about a survey of middle aged people who were asked if they would marry again and have kids again. The answer surprised me, a substantial amount said if they had to do it over again they would remain single!
Most of us learn to deal with our kids, crying babies through the teen years. That’s our kids, somehow it seems like a bigger challenge to deal with our parents!
Wouldn’t it be interesting to do a ‘reality television program’ on senior citizens? Your dad and my mom could in the cast of the main characters in the show! Would be hysterical!
Your doing good not telling him your whereabouts, or when you will be visiting. When he asks. "We'll play it by ear". What does that mean? It means we will see when the time comes. Lol.
If he likes your grocery store. Sorry pop grocery store doesnt have it. Shelves were bare. Needs a restock. Cant control whats on the shelves. Maybe next time.
You are now harder to pin down than jello! If hes making things a command performance you go mia. Missing in action. Couldnt be reached. What happened? Phone was on charge. If he settles down then he gets your attention. If he acts up you go scarce. You need your time too. Good luck.
Keep up the good work.
DesertGrl53;
Good post, nice analogies, suggestions, etc.
When I got to your version of the Serenity prayed, it reminded me that I wanted to look up the alternate version that my office mate from years ago had on the cubicle wall...
Lord,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those
people I had to kill because they p*ssed me off!!!
That office mate was, by the way, so Christian that she wanted to be a nun. Ohhh-kay then... ;-)
I see progress in the comment you posted to DesertGrl53!!! GREAT! Keep at it, but don't feel you have failed if you slip up now and then. AND, don't feel guilty for anything.
The more you can stand your ground, the easier it will be to do! Sure, he pushes back or tries to up the game ("I've averted the crisis I think but hes pushing back massively at the moment. I lay something down, he escalates it."), but that means you just make that line in the sand deeper. You have kids - they try to manipulate parents just like that - they keep pushing until mom or dad give in - you even said your son does similar stuff.... If they sense a crack in the wall, they will push harder each and every time until they learn it doesn't work.
I thought I posted it here, but it must have been another thread. This worked for my kids back in the day. The first query about getting some candy while trying to grocery shop got the standard not-thinking answer "I'll think about it." This was just a bland mom statement, but I consider it the precursor to the line in the sand, once I realized that this method worked! The second query got a resounding "If you keep asking me the answer is NO." That was the line in sand. DON'T cross it!!! The key to this working is the line has to be something reasonable that you can enforce. The deal with my kids was that maybe, just maybe you will get what you want, so long as you do NOT cross that line. Sometimes they were rewarded, but not ALL the time. So it wasn't a guarantee to getting what they want, it was just a chance at keeping the door open! They figured this out so quickly that IF they remembered the candy question at check out, they would ask "Did you think about it?" Smart little cookies they were!! They did not ask the candy question again, so they avoided crossing the line... Once in a while they would get something, but again, there was no guarantee. This actually worked in other instances too! I have actually witnessed a parent saying no, no no over and over and then capitulating. Kids are not stupid. They will just push harder the next time.
So, when you said "I'll let you know" even if I probably will", this is just like me saying "I'll think about it." He isn't shut out... yet.
I also see you've taken the "mum's the word" stance regarding YOUR goings-on or anything else. He doesn't need or want to know, it is just ammunition for his next onslaught! So good on that too!
Keep up that wall and stand on those lines!! He'll get the message at some point (if he doesn't oh well, poor you dad! Love you dad, gotta go, >click<)
So YAY for what you have accomplished and keep up the good work!!!
Even with dementia, our attorney said we just can't drag our mom out of the house (not that we would have!) The rock/hard place where she would not consider going ANYWHERE and the facility not accepting 'committals', aka under guardianship, left us in limbo. Can't force her to go, but can't leave her there either - this is what brought me here in the first place (hence the screen name!)
So, if he isn't mentally challenged, and is not agreeable about moving, I would not waste time checking places.
Cute story about the kids with candy! Gee, you were nice in the beginning, haha. I told mine the same as my mom told me, before even getting out of the car and walking into the store she would say, “We are going into the store to buy groceries. Do not ask for anything else!” Did they ask? Yep! They are kids. Kids will try. I just repeated it like my mom did with us. They eventually catch on, don’t they?
My favorite one was when my daughter asked to go to the playground and did not want to buckle up. She started crying and said to me, “Mommy, why aren’t you driving to the playground?” I have no idea where I came up with my answer. It was purely an ‘off the cuff’ answer. I said, “ The wheels don’t roll unless you buckle up.” She was young enough to buy it. No fighting, no crying, she wanted to get to the playground and buckled up.
My dad almost busted me though because he went with us one day and wasn’t going to buckle his seatbelt and she screamed at him, “Grandpa, buckle up or the wheels won’t roll.” My daddy said, “What did you say?” Then he looked at me and caught on and just smirked. My daddy buckled up! Later he told me I was really smart to think of that. As parents we get very creative, don’t we?
Disgustedtoo,
LOL, love that version of the serenity prayer!
Ooooh, clever!
Your dad is very popular on this forum! He has become the forum celebrity. Hahaha.
Maybe there is a grouchy old lady that could be his match and keep him busy! Geeeez, can you imagine that? You know I am just kidding.
Keep sticking to your plan and sooner or later, he will figure it out! I actually do know a woman with his temperament that is a widow but he hates Americans! Hahaha Plus I no longer speak to her because she drove me nuts. She drives her kids nuts too! She has made the same comment as your dad, that she would rather be dead than go in a home. If she ever does go in a facility, they will have to strongly sedate this woman because I guarantee she will drive the entire nursing home crazy!
@ NeedHelp: Very creative of you! I just told my kids the car wasn't going anywhere till everyone was buckled. I don't know if they knew it was me in charge of the car or the car itself not moving, but they buckled!
Absolutely, so funny! I went to Catholic schools too and had the same nuns that taught my mom and aunt!
The funniest thing in high school with a nun was. Well, first let me talk about the changes in their clothing. In first through 8th grade they had a full habit, like the nuns in The Sound of Music with Julie Andrews. Then in high school the hemlines were shortened and the half habit and some hair showing.
Well. Sister Naomi got mad at a girl for something (probably talking in class) and she was shaking her fist at a girl in class saying, “If you ever do that again.” She was so angry she was shaking her head at the same time and her hair flew across the classroom! I freaked out and said, “Wow! Sister’s hair just flew in front of my desk! We were in shock, then hysterically laughed! I
We were 14 years old, so we couldn’t help but crack up. I guess she had cancer and lost her hair with chemo or something. We all got detention for laughing.
Sister didn’t have a sense of humor that day! But absolutely, life could be really funny at Catholic schools.
Those were mini skirt days! But we had to kneel down on the floor and our skirt had to touch the floor or we would get into trouble for wearing a short skirt. Haha, we would roll up the waistband to shorten our skirts. In warmer months I wore my bikini under my uniform so I could sunbathe with my friends after school.
No one was really bad in school back then. I think the worst I saw was in 3rd grade, my friend, Dennis stole Sister’s stapler and stapled his finger because he was curious to see if it would hurt. He screamed! Hahaha, then got detention.
Oh, I got detention because my dog followed me to school and stupid me, I tried to lie to a nun and say he wasn’t my dog. She then asked, “If it’s not your dog, why is he laying at your feet?” Shortly after that the neighbor’s dog followed me as I walked to school and laid at my feet and I said that this time it really wasn’t my dog but she didn’t believe me and I was punished again.
Wait, I do remember 2 girls were expelled for smoking in the bathroom. No warning or suspension, just kicked out! You didn’t mess with those nuns!
School lunches were horrible! Would be punished for not eating. I preferred to bring my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍💖 Ah, you bring back memories! That's hilarious!
Yup, you must have graduated about the same time I did, 1970 or so? I remember those "transition habits" where the nuns went from the full penguin look to the modified half-habit. Didn't like it, thought nuns should look like nuns. I didn't like all the changes in the church either, going from Latin to English. Hmmm, maybe that's why I'm not Catholic any more. 🤔
Oops, Paul's thread seems to have taken a life of its own here, sorry about that, guess we should turn it back over to him. Sorry, Paul. 😉
Mass said in Latin and the priest faced away from the congregation to say mass, remember? Communion was served kneeling at the altar, not in line in our hands, like it is now.
Hats were worn every Sunday before chapel veils came into play and for Easter we wore hats and gloves!
How many Hail Marys, Our Fathers and Glory Be to the Father did you say after confession? LOL
I am still Catholic. I’m 63 years old. So many changes. Youth mass with guitars angered a lot of the traditionalists. I love the traditional hymns. Here in New Orleans we even have mass with jazz music!
There is a church here that still says a Latin mass.
Just having a laugh with Desert about our long, lost youth! Haha
To be honest, I was BUSY all weekend. I'm doing a walk for charity in the summer and haven't done any training so I had a walk arranged on Sunday. I've been so busy so I thought no I'm going - wife was happy for me to do so.
Of course, come sunday night I phone him.
Dad - Where've you been?
Me - Out all day Dad, busy with the family?.
Dad - Where?
Me - Doesn't matter.
Dad - So its more important than visiting me?
Me - Dad I never said I'd visit you. Like I said I had plans.
Dad - So whats the secret? Why is it such a big secret?
Still refused to tell him. As others have said, he uses any info to his advantage. He gets info that is none of his business and turns it around.
Fully expect brother to see pics on facebook and tell him where I was and he'll get more upset. (Im planning on removing brother soon hes like Dad spy sometimes!)
I'm taking him away on Friday to watch cricket. One night away in hotel. Wish me luck....
What conceivable misuse could your father have made of the information that you had been out for a walk with the family on a Sunday afternoon?
You're ringing him to check up on him, and to have a friendly conversation, yes? So check up on him, and *make* it a friendly conversation. Not a verbal fencing match. If he won't be friendly, cut the call short. None of this is difficult.
We went for a walk. We had a nice time. How about you? - Did you see the golf/footie/rugger? That's great [or] oh dear [select as appropriate]. Well, I'll see you on [day, date] all being well and we will [do whatever].
You are not plotting the next episode of Game of Thrones. Your father has NO power to control your actions. Stop being so afraid of him.
I love that you didn’t feed him info and let him wonder. Hey, I like a little mystery. He will get used to this new side of you. Great!
You're re-training both your dad and yourself. It probably feels awkward interacting with him in the new way, but you will get used to it and will get better at it, too.
Right now, he still thinks he should be your most important responsibility by the way he asked you "So its more important than visiting me?" The answer is a resounding YES. At some point when you're ready, you can give him that answer.
If he tries to guilt you by saying how he took care of you, and now it's your turn, you can thank him for being a good dad, and tell him you are following his example by in turn being a good dad to your children. And by extension, being a good husband to your wife, you ensure your children will have a loving home.
Dad needs other outlets for a social life besides you. Have fun at the cricket game and good luck dealing with dad.
Remember, you can always walk away, or leave the room. Don't have to answer him or escalate the conversation.
Wonderful reply! Simple, truthful and direct, to the point! Love it!
I know what hes like. It would have been, well you walked there so you could have come home that way and visited me, and you could have come to visit me before you went.
Yes I did though. Change the conversation. He'll have me captive in the car for two hours on friday - I'll get the full works then ;-)
Hes moaning because I got us a room each in the hotel rather than a twin room. NO WAY. I do literally shut the door after dropping him in his room and relax lol.
Should be lovely weather. For heaven's sake make sure he's got a hat or you'll be in A&E all night getting his sunstroke seen to.
Getting two rooms is a very smart idea. Money worth spending. Have fun! Come back and tell us how it went.
You don't want to be rude, but you do want to maintain your privacy. A little humor might even help lighten things up a little for both of you. So when he asks about the separate rooms you might say something like, "Well Dad, this way you can watch whatever you want on your telly and stay up as late as you like. I'll be right next door if you get scared of the dark! 'Night now, see you in the morning!" And shut the door.
Really, it's probably no different than the way you'd treat your own kids. This sort of thing will help you stop thinking of him as a monster and reduce him to just a fussy old man, which is really all he is.
Have fun with your dad, especially the long car ride!
Free entertainment! You will have enough material to do a stand up comedy routine afterwards. Can we get a preview? We can be your first audience, haha 🤣
Let me tell you, my husband’s grandma always had crazy drama and we always wanted to put together a comedy routine about her life! God rest her soul, but if I know her, she is driving all of the Angels and the Saints crazy up there!
Oh yes. Separate rooms is a must for my sanity. Excuse I make is his snoring. EVERY year he moans that it costs more for two rooms and I have to say no. He'd sleep in a dormitory if it was cheaper.
It'll be entertaining. I can already predict a few things.
He'll want to eat in the cheapest place we can find in the evening. He won't eat during the day (will be at the cricket) because its too expensive.
Over the course of two days, I'll get a lecture about how I spend too much money, how I spend too much on the kids, and how I should buy a cheap car (mine is broke). (BTW - by cheap car he means £500)