Follow
Share

Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...


You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!


STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."


His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.


Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!


I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!

1 2 3 4 5
Paul,

It’s because they don’t value what is important. Some people always want to take the easy way out. My husband and I went to school to obtain an education and worked hard for what we have. No one handed anything to us. We didn’t ask for anything. My brothers always asked for money. My parents freely gave it to them. So they don’t have a true appreciation of anything because they didn’t earn anything on their own.

I give to good causes. We are not selfish. Sometimes people need help getting over a hump and I have empathy for them. When people take others for granted and expect handouts, then I do have a problem with it.
(1)
Report

NeedHelp - Wow the thing with your brother is crazy..... Thats the sort of thing my brother would do as well.
(1)
Report

Paul,

Some elderly have a special talent for rewriting history, right?

As for getting something out of things, once when I was first married my brother and his wife pretended to be coming over for a visit. I immediately knew their visit wasn’t a social call because he they never did that.

Nevertheless, I put on a pot of coffee and set out some dessert for us to enjoy. It didn’t take long for my brother to ask for money. When we told him that we could not give him any money he and his wife promptly left before the coffee was finished brewing.

As they were leaving I asked them to please stay for coffee and dessert and they declined. Obviously, all they wanted was cash and didn’t care about spending time with us.
(1)
Report

Jasmina - I reckon my old man could go up against Charles Manson lol. He likes everyone to think hes this sweet old man who gets a bit confused sometimes, doesn't do it on purposes. (This is his thing when I call him out on what hes been up to - "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't realise I was doing that. I get so confused sometimes".

Yeh right. He sharp as a knife and amazes me how clever some of his tricks are sometimes!
(0)
Report

All - yeh I think you're right. It never ceases to amaze me how many different things that Dad tries or approaches he takes. Like I said before - he wears me out!

Last few years I have begun to notice that 99% of what he does is so he can get something out of the deal. Really its eye-opening. And he does devote 100% of his energy to it (which I've realised is why he doesn't bother with my kids - got no time hes too busy getting me to do things). Its just crazy.

I'll be honest, I can't even remember the last time Dad did or said something nice without there being something in it for him.

His latest for example. "I'm going to start giving away my money now rather than when I die". Won't happen. Hes said this about 20 times. He'll give me £100 or something and he knows I can't really say no because this is the start of the big "inheritance giveaway". Then that'll be it but its hanging there like a bribe....
(0)
Report

Paul,

You are one step ahead by knowing how he is. He won’t change because he is completely irrational. You deserve a life with your family.
(1)
Report

Jasmina,

Your words are so true. The fact remains that it is completely futile to try to respond to irrational and selfish people. All that happens is by having a conversation with them is that they will use and twist whatever is said as ammunition to use against the other person who becomes their target.
(1)
Report

Narcissists divide and conquer. That is why your brother's accomplishments and things he is doing, are thrown in your face. I'm positive that the same is happening to your brother. Your not there to see it. Your brother isnt going to tell you. It is a way to knock you down a peg. Keep you off balance, and tell you - you arent good enough. Hes manipulating brother too. Yor just not there to see it. Hes got you both jumping thru hoops like a circus show.

It's a way to mess with your self esteem. A form of control. A form of abuse, a huge form of manipulation. A way to try to alter reality to his skewed way of thinking. You know different. He doesnt get to change reality, and what you know to be true. He's not the authority on reality! He doesnt get to rewrite it to suit him. And you know he is good at that!

It is to make you doubt yourself. A way to make you try harder, do more. Try to please him in some way. Go the extra mile to prove you are good enough. STOP FALLING FOR IT.

Tell him, yea brother is good at that. Yea he's better at it than me. He works harder than me. He's got the better job, the bigger house, the better whatever etc. Agree with your dad. It will throw him off balance. He wants you off balance. Agree with everything he says. He's not expecting that. He's not getting the annoyed, hurt, frustrated, or any type of reaction from you he wants. He'll let it go then. That tactic didnt get you wound up like he wanted. He'll move on to something else then.

Dad- since the other son is so good at it, I'll let him do it. Walks away. Brother better take care of that. Hes better at it than I am. Bye. Brother is so good at this it's his job now. I wont do it how you want. Ill let him do it Bye bye. Just show no emotion saying it.

Then game will get old. Narcs try to say things to see what nerves they can hit. Ok this didnt work, let me say that. No let's try another. Bingo I hit a nerve! Haha this is fun. Ill use that again in future. Stop falling for it. No emotion is the best reaction.

I used to watch my sibling do the hunt for the raw nerve in my mom. She would keep chatting away calmly, and saying things or bring up things in the past, till my mom would explode in anger. Then she knew, I hit a big nerve with that comment. I can use that again to manipulate or divide and conquer in future. I had to remind myself to be on full alert around her. Not take conversations for normal conversations. Watch everything she did/said. Shes like a shark looking for weakness in her prey.

Try it next time you talk to him. Watch how convos get turned into neg comments, or watch how he chats and maneuvers the conversation around. He will keep at it, until he hits a nerve and they explode in anger or get upset.
It boggles my mind how they their minds work. The rest of us arent programmed like that. He thinks what can I get out of this today. People arent sport. But to a narcissist it is all about manipulation. Everything they live and breathe is about that. He also learned that in his youth. He watched someone else do that and started young. Hes not gonna change. You have to be on full alert at every interaction.
The best manipulation in a convo I've ever seen was a interview with charles manson and I think it was Diane Sawyer or another reporter in prison. He morphs into diff characters to manipulate and rattle her in a matter of minutes. He played a wise sage, a cult guru, a poor little boy me, a dangerous angry con that could kill her in a flash, then a nice guy etc. I've never seen it done so fast. I dont think she knew she was being played, but she kept her cool. That's how he manipulated all those people. Most of us arent tuned into that. We take people for face value. We cant with everyone. Good luck.
(2)
Report

NeedHelp - Of course. Its appropriate in a lot of cases. Not in my Dads head. He'll never change.
(1)
Report

Llama - I remember he was proud when I went to college....

These days though there is an undercurrent that I work in an office so it can't be that hard. I must be a manager (I'm not!) so "one of them". Whereas brother does manual work so he identifies with that. EVERY time I speak to Dad I hear reports about how hes working 12 hour shifts etc. Other people who've spoken to him have noticed he always mentions brother and not me.

I remember him asking him about "on call/standby" once which just about sums his attitude up. "What you get paid to just sit there for nothing? Wow thats easy". Of course, two weeks later after I'd been up for 36 hours straight -"They expect you to work in the middle of the night at short notice. No way would I do that". AH HA now you understand,
(0)
Report

NHWM: Oh, thank you SO much! You've just made my night. You're a very kind and generous person. I think that you don't give yourself enough credit for you are a lovely person!
(1)
Report

Paul,

That is unfortunate that he feels that way. As for his friend with Alzheimer’s, placement becomes necessary for certain people. His wife and children want him to receive proper medical care. Not everyone can do caregiving. When it goes on and on people get worn out. That’s what happened to me. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
(2)
Report

Llama,

This is why you are so stable. You moved forward in the face of a challenge. The happiest people in life are those with a purpose.

You have always struck me as a responsible person who never ran away but rather faced situations head on.

I realize that we all face pain and challenges in life but some handle it better than others. I am one who could have handled things a lot better than I did. If I could go back and have a do over I would handle things quite differently.

I didn’t do things on purpose but I didn’t process my frustration very well. I didn’t take care of my needs like I should have. I sacrificed a lot and put my mother in front of my family at times which I am bothered by. I got stuck in feeling guilty, anxiety and depression for awhile.

It’s wonderful to see that in spite of a challenge that you moved forward in your life rather than becoming defeated by it. Good for you!
(2)
Report

paul: So I just don't get him that he would not applaud you for going to college and getting your company started. I applaud you. I may have a bit of a commonality since I was a single parent who was thrown to the curb when ex's (now dead) mistress moved in. But I kept on with my job for 45 years, remarried.
(2)
Report

NeedHelp - Exactly and I think he'd prefer it too.

Dad, as with all things, has got an idea in his head that "if you're family don't care they put you away in a home to die". Yes really that's what he thinks.

He told me about his friend the other day who had really advanced dementia. How sad it was that his wife could no longer cope and he'd "had to go away into a home". He even mentioned how ashamed she must be feeling and its a pity his kids didn't sort something else. Yep I just looked at him is disbelief!

Thing is he doesn't want to be independent. Never seen someone make so little effort. He wants to sit back, nothing change, spend no money and everyone do everything for him I'm afraid.

At the moment, he is fine. Perfectly capable of living alone with a little bit of effort on his part. That's where the problem is.
(1)
Report

Paul,

It would be such a relief if he would agree to living in a facility. Sad that he wants to be independent when he is getting older and will need more care as he ages.
(0)
Report

lkdry - yes exactly. I've had a few "can't breathe" "chest pains" then when I used to rush over there he was fine.....
Yes even last holiday I had the "dont worry but I've had to call the doctor".

To be honest, the health professionals don't help. The ambulance service have asked him not to call unless its urgent, his GP has asked him not to request a home visit - but he still does it. They need to be firmer with him.

And dont me started about the District Nurse. He moans they turn up late and hes too late to go out to play Bowls then! I keep telling him Dad - if you can go to Bowls you can go to the surgery. Its for housebound people only (my wife is a DN). Doesn't care.

Now thats an interesting one - if he actually died a few days before I went. The awkward git would do that too! Do they charge storage charges in funeral homes? lol.
(1)
Report

Ikdrymom,

I can understand your parents letting your uncle handle funeral arrangements if they were the ones that did everything for mom.

Your parents needed rest and a change of scenery. I’m guessing that your uncle most likely hadn’t been very involved because he wasn’t nearby. He couldn’t be, so the children who are there become exhausted.
(0)
Report

I can't count the number of times my father was "DYING!!" and needed to see me "one last time". I swear I could hear violins in the background. One time really took the cake. He called me on the way to work with that exact line. Later that day my daughter was supposed to take him shopping so I asked if daughter should still do that...you know with his imminent death and all.....yes, she should still come and take him shopping!

Even if he gets ill and ends up in the ER, there is still no reason for you to go or miss your vacation. You are not a doctor so what are you supposed to do except stand and stare at him. (Which I am sure he would love). Another classic from my family. My parents hadn't had a vacation in 10 years so they had a trip to Arizona planned. Of course my grandmother had to find a way to stop that. And for as bad as my father is she was 1000xs worse. She died....and my parents still went on their vacation. She had run them so ragged that they no longer cared. My uncle who lived in AZ came out here to run the funeral while my parents visited with his wife and my mom's family out west.
(2)
Report

Beatty - slowly getting there.

He used to expect me to do hospital visits. Hes roped his cousin in now. I keep out of it. Can guarantee hes abusing that privilege.....

I've also made It clear I wont be doing the betting shop visit.
(2)
Report

Llama - yes thats Dad - hes a working class man and its so unfair that the rich people have everything. He sees them as them and us.

Of course, I'm from that background. Single parent, lived on council estate (social housing), very poor area and school. BUT went to college etc. and I got where I am today. It confuses him how I can be different!

Sorry his attitude to cab is he'd never pay fore one. working class people dont waste money like that. Only the rich.
(0)
Report

A ping pong paddle for both hands... one for Dad's requests, one for Brother's ;)
(1)
Report

After inheriting being the default *Butler* last year to attend to let emergencies services in for sister... to book a holiday I needed to pass that duty of care to someone. It became clear it was HER responsibility to make other arrangements. She decided on respite care while I was away.

On return I quit as Butler. She finally has that key box instead now for emergency access.

It took a while but I handed back the responsibilities that were not mine to begin with.

I'd put Dad getting to the Doctor, betting shop, his groceries, a drive to the country etc - in that category too - it's all HIS to own & organise. He acts like any responsibility in his life is yours - that's why his sons are so neglectful to go away - they are shirking their duty!

He may not want to take on his responsibilities & so will keep pushing it over to you. But you'll get better at batting it back to him - he'll either have to take it on or push it to someone else (brother & wife..) until they push back too.

Once I saw the light, I had no stress booking a holiday this year. Just went.
(2)
Report

paul: The audacity of it all is bordering on maddening! Dad's small minded and brother got off on all the fines and was allowed to pay on a payment plan for a decade? Wow! You are NOT stuck up - good grief, I dislike that old school term. My late mother used it. You run a successful business. He's better than riding in a cab? Good gosh! Now I've got the song, "Working Class Hero" by John Lennon stuck in my head.
(0)
Report

Paul, I can take NO credit for my attitude. I learned it at my mother's knee.
(3)
Report

Barb - thinking about what you said. If, say, my brother and I were away at the same time. Three weeks EXACTLY same time.

In all honesty, Dad would be fine. There is NOTHING that he NEEDS. Yes it'd be a bit fiddly and we might have to plan a little but it would be fine.

Only thing is he'd have to get off his backside and help himself a little... Puts it into perspective really.
(1)
Report

Barb - very good attitude to have to be honest....

As I said, with my Dad, if you believed him every time he thought he was dying you'd never leave his house anyway.
(1)
Report

Paul, in the years of my moms decline (2011-2017) my brothers and I each travelled to Europe nearly once a year. We arranged never to be away at the same time.

Our mantra was "leave and have a good time: keep mom on ice till were back".

Every single time I visited her during those years, I was aware that this might be our last goodbye. We don't rush to deathbeds in my family. If you're there, that's nice, but I can talk to doctors over the phone just fine from wherever I happen to be.
(4)
Report

Llama - it was amazing. Dad has a VERY small minded attitude. Hes a working class man and thats it. I probably mentioned his attitude towards taxis/cabs - "not for people like us". Including me there mind.

The tax thing was crazy. He went to the pub EVERY single night after work for years. Spent the lot. What was also funny was Dads attitude that the accountant was ripping him off too - I'm sure he thinks people work for £5 an hour.....

I was a bit annoyed because he owed £25K I think but half of that was fines and interest. They let him off ALL the fines and interest. Then they let him pay it back over 10 years.... Even then he and Dad though it was another attack on the poor working man.

I've run my own company and been self-employed. You have responsibilities. If you're too lazy/stupid to cope then stick with working for someone else. Told Dad that - he thinks I'm "stuck up" now lol.
(2)
Report

Beatty/Polar- My wife and I have already had the discussion about what we'll do if hes ill days before we go away. To be honest, I can see it happening one year. Same as if he falls ill when we're away.

To be honest, unless I can get confirmed medical opinion that he is REALLY ILL I will be going anyway (or not coming home early). I've made my peace with the fact that there is a slight chance he may ultimately pass away when I've just gone away or still there. I won't feel bad about it at all to be honest.

Over the years, I've had so many false alarms, downright likes, and made up illnesses my conscience is clear. If I did ever do something like not go or come home early if I was a betting man I'd say, based on past performance,the chances of any illness being real and serious are about 50 to 1.
(3)
Report

1 2 3 4 5

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter