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Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...


You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!


STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."


His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.


Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!


I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!

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Paul: As I'd said, my mother had depression era mindset. Thought a meal out at a fine restaurant should cost no more than $12 tops. Your dad is a younger man, but may have the same mindset, I think - right? I used to say to mother "In what decade was that feasible for it to cost so little?"
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Paul,

Your dad can badger people all he wants. Others don’t have to respond the way that he wants them too.

In fact, chances are that they won’t cater to his every wish.

If he asks for unreasonable requests from others, why should anyone give in so he can have his way.

What happens if a parent gives into a screaming child throwing a temper tantrum? They become spoiled brats! Same thing with anyone of any age.

If we constantly give into unreasonable demands, we teach them if they scream or beg long enough, they will eventually get their way.

To be honest, that’s on us, not them. How do I know this? I gave into my mom way more than I should have and it took me far too long to wake up and stop doing so!

We live and learn, even if some of us had to learn the hard way.

Yes, it’s a process and unfortunately it can become a longer journey than it should be.

All we can do on this forum is tell our story and hope others gain some insight.

I wish that I could have sorted my situation out and comprehended it much sooner than I was able to. I would have had fewer headaches!

Your dad isn’t entitled to special treatment. He’ll figure that out for himself. You don’t have to argue that point with him.

The facts will speak for themselves.

Save yourself the headache of trying to reason with him.

He will surely argue with you and even enjoy the debate!

The fact that you loathe it makes it all the more fun for him. He will view it as a challenge.

Don’t play his game and you will breathe a lot easier and achieve peace for yourself.

Screw ups come with consequences. If he suffers any consequences, so be it.

We can’t live our lives trying to prevent others from making mistakes.

He’s old enough to have learned these lessons by now.

It’s not your responsibility to monitor his every move.

You don’t have much influence over him. He’s going to continue to live life on his terms. Accept this, even if you don’t approve or like it.
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Paul, I’m looking at the lovely Black Mountains and Brecon Beacons. Turns out my cousin and aunt have the same attitude about the jab. They feel they are so vulnerable they won’t accept a 15 minute lift to the vaccination centre from their own family - who have stayed home anyway and so who have a very low chance of having and passing on Covid. They are now scandalised to find that actually no they cannot have a personal visit and will now have to wait longer until home visit jabs are available. I think the health service are quite right about this. They are trying to get the vaccine into as many arms as possible as quickly as possible. They could jab at least 100 people in the time it would take them to drive out and jab my entitled cousin and her mother. Maybe they would like to rethink their attitude if they want the jab sooner rather than later!
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disgusted - yeh spot on. I do try to distance myself from them.....

Dad has such an entitled attitude its ubelievable. He will badger people until he gets what he wants.
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Chriscat - north or south wales you can see?

Dad live mid valleys - dont get much snow.... Hes got a scooter (cant be bothered to use) and of course a taxi would cost very little.

Nope, hes entitled....
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Need: Quite an odd couple, they are.
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Been busy and laptop is a pig (will lock up for no reason or not return from Sleep mode without power off/on), so I'm a bit behind here...

So, to catch up:

"You make you're choices in life, he made his, I made mine. Deal with it."

Eggggggsactly!


""If you need a maid, get one.
If you are ill, call your Doctor. If you don't want to live alone anymore, that's OK! Move to an Old Age Home".

If his conversation can be on repeat - so can yours 😅"

Rinse and repeat, just like the shampoo bottle says (note those instructions don't say repeat once, so it could be an infinite loop!)


"No chance of him ever paying for any sort of care, or a care home."

NEVER say never. If circumstances happen that he ends up in one, he'll be paying for one, whether he likes it or agrees with it or not.


"BUT, you still get the 6 monthly rant on facebook about how its so unfair, he can't even see his own kids etc etc."

This same clown, like your dad, will be expecting them to assist him in his "old age" too!!! Expect all you want. You made your bed, lie in it.

"One of lifes losers is my brother and I'm ashamed of them both...."

No need to be ashamed. They are who they are, YOU didn't create them. My 2 brothers will soon be ex-brothers. Once the paperwork is dry and all funds are distributed, done. I may change my mind, but my plan is to send each of them AND the EC atty nasty mail at the end. Bad enough that you criticize me, don't help me, make my existence miserable, etc, but to just leave your mother in the wind is INEXCUSABLE! The atty is a different story, but he deserves nasty mail too (WHAT atty, other than our well know Ghoul here, suggests you deposit checks into your mother's account and not tell the bank she has passed???? That's just the start...)


"Its quiet funny because his Doctor surgery have said "Umm no". If you don't come here you're off the vaccine list for now and we won't know when you'll have it. Good for them I thought. Dads been ranting for a week now!
As if those poor people aren't busy enough giving out vaccines without pandering to my lazy father...."

They caught onto his game a bit a while ago. Yes, good for them - they have ENOUGH to do without pandering to a lazy ignorant old fool! You have the chance to be "first" in line, then GET IN LINE! If you don't, so be it, it was YOUR choice.

Sadly this center-of-the-universe syndrome isn't reserved for the elderly. There are WAY too many people who now believe they are the center, but they are not. Also WAY too many who think they are Einstein. Again, they are not, MOST certainly are NOT. I think some rocks have more smarts...
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Paul,

Some people feel that they are entitled!

Yeah, it’s embarrassing but more than that, it’s absolutely crazy and irrational behavior.

Old age is supposed to bring forth wisdom.

Everyone regardless of age should be cared for. The elderly and children are certainly the most vulnerable.

Elders are not superior or entitled to more. There are times that we are called to do all that we can. The medical professionals have gone above and beyond to serve the community.
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Hey Paul, I’m looking across to Wales this morning and seeing snow on your hills. Maybe your dad could use this as an excuse not to travel to the surgery?! Frankly I would walk many miles today through snow and ice if someone said I could have the vaccine right now.....”Bloody awkward” springs to mind.....
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I love the TV show "Extreme cheapskates" which is from the US.

Thats my Dad I can see in some of those....
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Dads latest money saver. Hes inline for the Covid vaccine (being over 80). Refused to get a taxi to the surgery (its literally 1/4 mile) because "I paid taxes all my life, they can come to me".

Its so embarrassing sometimes. Why would you scrimp on a few pounds to delay a vaccine which might just save you're life?

Its quiet funny because his Doctor surgery have said "Umm no". If you don't come here you're off the vaccine list for now and we won't know when you'll have it. Good for them I thought. Dads been ranting for a week now!

As if those poor people aren't busy enough giving out vaccines without pandering to my lazy father....
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Llama,

Geeeeeez! That was her loss, right?
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I once had a friend whose husband owned a Rolex watch and drove a Porsche. Yet once she asked me if I had any used Christmas ornaments. I say "once had," because recently I was happy to locate her on social media, but then she said " I am a non believer; I chose not to be your friend."

I hear that, Need!
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Paul,

Not spending money is so common. My mom would expect me to shop at three stores to get the best prices on every single item!

Even people with lots of money do this. My husband’s grandmother would spend $10,000 on a watch but ask for a senior citizen discount for a hamburger at lunch!
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Beatty - yep that will be Dad. Hes so stuck on his own opinions on how the world works and dedicated to not spending money, that this will happen to him.
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I swear, my autocorrect wants to make me look stupid! Hahaha 🤣

Should read, ‘my thick skull’ not ‘me thick skull.’
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Well if Dad won't pay for in-home care or accept council help - it's his life. His choices.

He may become like some of the stubborn older men & women I meet that eventually turn up in a hospital. Sometimes sadly, due to physical or cognitive decline, are unbathed, have skin issues (escoriation, ulcers, pressure injuries etc), dehydrated, malnutritioned, their medication routine all over the shop.

I used to wonder why their adult kids had walked away (so sad). Now I know why. At some point the kids just stop propping it up. For their own sanity.

I think I'd make a weekly phone call. I'd tell him to sort his regular groceries out himself but get his favorite cake or biscuits delivered once a month as a gift. I'd pay the bills (from his money) only if I held the right Financial POA. If not, sort them out yourself.

Anyway, we all have to survive this awful C-19 to make any longer term plans ☹️
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Paul,

My brothers lied to keep in practice! I swear, I don’t even think they know the truth anymore. They believe their own crap!

Oh, but my mother takes their word as gospel. It used to infuriate me. Until I finally figured out that I was making it harder on myself by caring.

I had intelligent people on this forum that kept telling me not to care about what they believed.

Thank goodness, the message finally got through me thick skull. Only then, did I find peace.
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Margaret,

Heres the story with brother if you're interested.

Lived with a lady (she was ok) and they had two kids. They split up - dunno why or what the deal was. I since found out part of the story when I bumped into her a few years ago.

She moved back to her hometown (about 30 miles away) and, apparently, brother visited a few times, it got less and less, he let the kids down etc. She by this time met someone else, she hadnt heard from brother for months and they moved house.

My brother, as he does, had a 6 month twitch and realised they'd moved. Put it all over facebook, how his ex had stolen his kids etc etc. Dad asked me to help him. I found out you could go through the court and she'd pretty much have to reveal where they lived - cost £200. Didn't bother - too expensive. And Dad agreed with him! (Bear in mind he'd be out two nights a week drinking putting away easily close to £100 each night on alcohol).

Then hes with someone else. Had another kid. They split up. Again who knows.
Again, he saw the kid for a bit, let her down etc etc All got a bit unfriendly.
Now this ex apparently had a bit of a drink problem and I dont know the full story but Social Services called him and asked him to take his daughter for a few months (because of the problems the mum had). He refused and told them to put her into a home. (I remember having a massive argument with Dad because I was disgusted at this but Dad agreed with him - "how can he have her when hes got to go to work"). At the time my wife wanted us to have our niece but in the end she did go to live with her gran....

Brother is now with someone else. Recently married. Doesn't see any of his kids.

BUT, you still get the 6 monthly rant on facebook about how its so unfair, he can't even see his own kids etc etc.

One of lifes losers is my brother and I'm ashamed of them both....
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Beatty - oh yes thats his best leverage hes not letting that one go!

He is SUPREMELY stubborn though and stuck in his ways... And he is also the most tight-fisted person you will ever meet.

He has set ideas what his sons should do for him and you have to put him top of the list. He religiously tries to spend no money and likes to see it in his bank account (current count about £40-50K I think).

Stubborn, won't listen to anyone, and, to be honest, is also one of the most unflexible, selfish and unintelligent people you will ever meet.

No chance of him ever paying for any sort of care, or a care home.
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NeedHelp- yeh I need to tune him out. Its like speaking to someone on a different planet.

But yes my brother is Dad. Dad does not come close to understanding my world at all nor is he interested. I often think its still 1955 in my Dads head too.

Thanks for the congrats - not till june mind. You never know!
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Paul,

Your dad relates to your brother. He even feels sorry for him.

Your brother is the one that followed his example.

You were smart and created your own path. Good for you!

You are the one that has a fabulous wife and family. They missed out on that.

You may not hear ‘Happy Anniversary’ from your dad.

Wishing you a wonderfully happy anniversary!

25 years of marriage is a big deal! Happy Anniversary! 👍🥂💞🍻🍸🍷🍰🍨🍹🍺
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I’m amazed to read that dear brother now wants to see the kids he walked out on! What happened?
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Paul, I may miss the mark here.. I do feel your Dad is being stubborn over the grocery delivery. He COULD get deliveries !! But then he'd lose his leverage to lure you there...

Three of my relatives have swapped to deliveries through this time. No fuss. Wanted to save their families the bother.

I do think your Dad could be fearful & lonely. That is quite understandable, especially now. But I also think he would be fearful & lonely even if you lived with him + just as demanding. All day he'd be needy, ill, wanting stuff done. To keep you orbiting him all day.

I would seriously suggest to him to ask his council for a aged needs assessment & for him to get regular services in to help in. That if he needs help to shop, cook, clean, whatever, he should get this REGULAR help. That you WORK & you cannot now (in the pandemic) or later EVER be his maid/man-servant. Make that clear. I am your SON.

"If you need a maid, get one.
If you are ill, call your Doctor. If you don't want to live alone anymore, that's OK! Move to an Old Age Home".

If his conversation can be on repeat - so can yours 😅
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Beatty,

Geeeeeez! It took me awhile to do so but I finally did it. Hahaha 🤣, ask the good people on this forum how long it took me to finally process it all?

It was a long time! This forum and my therapist pounded it into my head. I’m grateful that no one gave up on me. 😊
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I'm so glad you found on peace Need. Hard won but you explain the process so well. Tune out & let it go. Breathe in, breathe out. Ahhh.
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Paul,

I am sure that you don’t expect your dad to change at this point in time.

My mom’s attitude towards my brothers is the same as your dad’s attitude towards your brother.

For my own sanity I had to learn to tune it out. You know as well as I that we can never convince them of anything so let it go.

Just don’t respond to your dad’s statements. Will he get mad? Maybe, but he will find something to be mad about no matter what, so why respond to his foolishness?

I found peace when I surrendered to the fact that I was completely powerless in convincing my mom of anything.

Eventually, I lost the desire to convince her of reality. I figured that if she wanted to live in her delusional world, I would allow her to do so without my input. The end result changed my outlook.

I found peace and contentment in my life. Her life is the same as it will always be.

We have no control over their attitude towards others (our brothers) but we have 100 percent control over our reaction to it.

Don’t give your dad any ammunition to argue with. Of course you don’t agree with him.

I don’t agree with most of what my mom says but I don’t express those feelings to her anymore.

I speak about neutral topics only. If she brings up my brothers I either acknowledge her feelings or I give no response. She moves on to another topic because she has nothing to contradict me with.

Life became more pleasant for me when I didn’t fuel the fire.
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Talking to him on the phone is "challenging" at the moment too.

I can pretty much predict every phone call. 10 mins of him telling me how ill he is, 10 mins of telling me how bad my brothers new job is, 10 mins of him trying to convince me that since "I'm his carer" (no im not!) Im ok to break covid lockdown rules. Every conversation the same.

The brother thing is doing my nut. He never asks me how my job is fine but he seems obsessed with how hard my brother has got it and how its so unfair that his pay is so poor, and hes working outside in the filth and the cold and its hard work blah blah blah. Of course, I'm in my warm house working from home, getting paid well....... Jeez so what? I listened in school he skived off whenever he could.....

I dread the next installment of "its so unfair he doesn't get to see his kids". I just sigh - I've got two lovely kids, 25th wedding anniversary this year. Brother flitted from partner to partner, dropping kids and leaving them each time he moved on pretty much. Then expects it all years later.

You make you're choices in life, he made his, I made mine. Deal with it.
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No change with Dad at the moment. Constant fight reminding him that I can't travel to him - he seems to think the rules don't apply to him.

But thats Dad all over. He thinks hes 100 times iller than he actually is. Hes convinced hes going to starve even though he gets meals on wheel and brother does shopping for him. (and hes still turning down food delivery offers).

Same old game......
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My pet hate is uncared for feet. Specifically when discovering an elder with overgrown toenails, blisters, open sores, black toes & my least favourite, black gumph between the toes. It's so sad when they just cannot reach their feet but don't ask for help.
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