It’s me again. No question just need to let things out. My dad was in hospice 3 years ago but he graduated from it and now back again but this time I don’t think he’ll be leaving. My mom passed away years ago suddenly and my brother was about to be in hospice but died before making it so I never had to deal with caregiving. Dad is declining yet but he been having problems one after another. Some major such as UTI or minor things like internal body heat, unable to pee well, or mucus in throat that he can’t get out (everything is upsetting and bringing him down, big or small). Other than the fatigue and shortness of breath the chf brings him (which morphine does helps) he seems to be doing everything ok. Appetite not so good but can still eat. Not bed bound but always laying in bed not doing anything. No watching tv or iPad but just lay there feeling sad and sorry for his life. I come down every week to help brother out few days and cheers dad up but he always sad and that leave me feeling sad and depressed too. He just need to accept that he’s not young and healthy like before and be optimistic about it instead of drowning in sorrow That’s not gonna make any changes. I dread the day I have to leave my family. Actually I’m scared of the day that he’s declining because I don’t know what to do.

@geaton777... I lives 2 hours away from him. He’s staying with my brother (the house that all the family used to stay together..mother and one brother passed away.. the rest got married and on their own so now it’s 2nd brother house). I go there for 2 days every week to take care of whatever is needed and to talk to hospice nurse. Besides the symptoms of tiredness and SOB from chf, dad is doing ok. He can get around, feed himself, not transitioning or declining YET. He’s just not happy with his situation now and I understand. It’s just depressing for me to see and deal with it but I still put on my happy face to cheer and comfort him. When the time comes and he’s declining then yes I have to leave family and work and do what I could. I’m jiust scared and worried as I’ve never been put in this situation before. It’s heartbreaking and scary for me

Nikki, I just want to clarify what you said in the last few sentences of your post... "I dread the day I have to leave my family. Actually I’m scared of the day that he’s declining because I don’t know what to do."

Are you saying you will need to leave your family to care more for your father?

Are you saying there is no plan in place to manage/oversee his care as he declines?

As Alva and Grandma correctly observed, he already is in decline. I think talking to him about a plan would be cathartic for both of you. Does he have a Living Will (also known as an Advanced Care Directive)? This is a fill-in the blanks form outlining his medical care wishes if he's no longer able to speak for himself. I'm hoping legal provisions are in place (he has the durable PoA documents completed, etc.) Having a plan will give you more peace so that no one is making decisions in a panic, especially him or his LOs. Facing mortality is sobering and's not realistic to expect him to be optimistic about it. Maybe now's a good time to discuss faith with him as well (consider inviting clergy to come in to talk to him). It is sorrowful to stand by and watch the fading away of our LOs. But we will all be leaving at some point. Some people have dealt with it sooner or better than others. I think your dad needs help with this as much as his medical issues. May you receive peace in your heart as you work to help him.

I understand what he’s going through but It’s hard as his daughter to witness this too. I’ve tried comforting and being optimistic with him. It’s just hard to be his sole support. There’s nothing more I can say to him to cheer him up at least a bit. No antidepressants because new medicine always bring new problems.

He’s 85. I know that he’s tired and ready to go. I know everyone gets upset once the power of control of their life is over. It’s just sad having to see it and deal with it all the time and can’t do anything about It. I can’t myself comfort him alone. Can’t force siblings. It’s just that I never have to dealt with all of these problems and emotions. He always said he wanted to die and I’m always speechless. I comfort him with same sayings every tine I talk to him.

Part of your dad being in bed, not doing anything is that it is difficult for him to do a lot of things.
The CHF makes it difficult to breathe, that makes it difficult to do many things and when he does get up it can be exhausting, so back to bed. Difficult cycle. And a depressing one at that.
Have you talked to his doctor or the Hospice Nurse about an antidepressant? It might help him a bit. He is not going to get up and run a marathon but being a bit more active may also help him empty his bladder better or more completely.

Nikki, he IS declining. Day by day. You don't see it just like you don't see the bank of a river erode away as the current carries soil away. It happens slowly, until something causes a faster decline. Sometimes you can predict the decline, most of the time not.
You are young, you do not want to leave your family, you have a long life in front of you. But if you were sick, or much older you get tired of not being able to do the things you used to do. You don't like it when you have to rely on someone to help you with things that were once so easy to do. That's when you look at your life and think, I'm done, I've had enough. My quality of life sucks.
So you wait until God or whatever belief you have says that you have had enough and says yes, you are done.
There is a great pamphlet you can read on line called Crossing the Creek. Lots of good information and it is helpful.
((hugs)) to you and your dad.

Nikki, how old is Dad?
I will tell you that the elderly become tired. They honestly become ready to go. And that is hard to understand if you are not there. I saw that often as a nurse and had it expressed to me by even people who couldn't tell their families. They were tired. They were ready to go. And this was the case for my Dad in his 90s. He said "Kid, I get out of bed for your Mom, and I get on the scale for your Mom and I try to eat for your Mom, but what I WANT is to just stay in bed and sleep. I want only sleep and rest now. I am so ready to go.". I as a nurse, so for me there was NONE of that nonsense about "Oh, are you depressed. You will feel better after a walk". He was telling me HIS TRUTH and it WAS his truth. We talked so honestly, about the few things we did in our lives that we wished we had not.About so many things. It was some of the most precious time spent with him.
Your Dad may be depressed. TALK TO HIM. ASK HIM how he feels. What is bothering him. Is he tired. TALK TO HIM. And if you think a suggestion of trying a mild anti depressant might be worth a try, suggest it to Dad and doctor. But if Dad is tired, and ready for peace, then leave him be. Lay on that bed with him, put on some music, and just be there, talk with him and let him talk, or just be there.
My best out to you and your Dad. He may be declining. He may leave you. But for myself there is some massive part of my Dad that has never/never will leave me. I carry with me every day. And my Mom. And my sweet bro. Nothing of them is lost to me but the ability to pick up the phone.

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