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Not knowing where brother is coming from makes this all pretty hard to answer ur questions. I fight so long then I quit when I am not getting anywhere.

You have no idea why brother is all of a sudden acting this way and he doesn't seem to be forthcoming. I do think he should have talked things over with you since he was now expecting you to take over the cost of Dads care. Maybe dear wife is putting pressure on him. Whatever, your brother has handled this all wrong and for now you are not going to get thru to him. So time to back off. Let things settle down. Don't stir the pot. If brother calls screaming and hollaring tell him, calmly, you are willing to talk when you can talk to each other as mature adults then hang up. You have told Dad what is going on, leave it at that.

Dad is going to need to make changes in his life. Brother is no longer willing to pay for his care. You can not afford to pay for his care. Dad cannot care for himself. People on this forum are in that same boat. If we were rich we wouldn't be on the forum. We could afford to put Mom/Dad in a nice place. So, you let brother do what Dad assigned him to do. Dad is going to need to go to an AL or even a NH depending on the money Dad has available. Is Dad really in the position to fight?

Do you have a better solution? Can you move in with Dad and do his caring? Thats OK if you can't so then you let brother make all the decisions. Actually if Dad is competent than its between him and brother, his POA. Brother has to tell Dad he is no longer willing to foot the bill for Dads care. Because of that, other arrangements have to be made. Seems to be Dad will have no choice but to go into a facility. Maybe thats brothers problem. He has no idea how to approach Dad and his option was you. He is mad over a situation he doesn't know how to handle. And again, maybe pressure from wifey. Maybe he doesn't want to place Dad.

There are two sides to this story, maybe 3.
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JoAnn29, dad is fully competent but is showing a definite cognitive decline. It probably will get worse in the coming years. Dad has insurance for assisted living. My brother wants to travel and do things with his family in the future and so they think it's best he goes to an assisted living facility. I agree. I wish he told dad before he started making plans!

However, why can't I ask any question to my brother or even tell him about something important that happened to dad? He was treating me like a bad child. Worst than that actually. Not letting me say anything? I will not put up with that. I'm sure he will not apolize. I can't believe his wife would actually support his behavior. Maybe they are getting a divorce? That crossed my mind.

The best thing for me to do is to let him do what he wants with dad. If I see something that I disagree with I may get an attorney. Otherwise I can then visit my dad like I do now and that's great. Plus my brother will be in Costa Rica or wherever they hell he wants to go and I will not have to have any surprise contact with him.

I may sound upbeat and in control, and typically I am, but I'm not right now. I'm hurting bad over this, like someone body slammed me. I woke up the last two days feeling feverish and headachy as a direct result. As I indicated earlier I have a good friend I can call on but they are currently going through something far worse and I it would not be appropriate for me to share my problems with them.

So thank you everyone for listening and offering advice, regardless what it is.
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Lisa,

I think thats all you can do. Are you willing to take over POA? Maybe brother does not want the responsibility. Have Dad ask him since he wants to travel would he like to give up POA since he may not be there if Dad needs him if he is out of the country. Maybe brother can have financial and you medical. If he says he wants to give it up fully or partially, get Dad to a lawyer to make changes while he can.

If your brother has not been like this before, than he must be under some kind of pressure. No one can answer you why he is acting this way. Do encourage Dad to go to an AL. Better he goes now where he will accept it as home. Then if Dementia sets in, the AL is a familiar and safe place for him.

Please update us on how things work out.
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JoAnn29. dad will not change the POA. Brother will not let me take over. It's still early in this ordeal so I will see how it goes. Usually I create my future but now this situation is for the most part out of my hands. I will try to update any resolution.
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Hi! You said your father is mentally competent. If he wants to, he can make you POA (only you) (or your brother and you, independently or jointly).

That decision only depends on your father, not your brother.
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Oh boy; a divorce would explain EVERYTHING, wouldn't it?
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poodledoodle, my dad will not change the POA. No way.
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I understand, Ok. But that means your father trusts your brother’s decisions.

If your father starts being unhappy with your brother’s decisions, you can tell your father he can make a new POA for you.
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I second poodle.
Lisa, even the finest al won’t pay for personal hygiene or clothing or extra phone or iPad chargers. Every time my in laws go to the hospital, even, the requests for this stuff increases by a thousand percent even though they could easily pack a go bag. The requests from dad will certainly increase.

The Atria I told you about changed hands in 2022. The trips and happy hours are now gone. They went a week eating San Quentin style prison food and a month without residential internet. These things can happen and if he’s relocating to Costa Rica, it is in his interest to have dad moved to a better facility.
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hi OP,

i repeat what poodle said:

i hope you’re not pulling anyone’s leg.
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Update 3/28: Today I got a voice message on my phone from a local store that sells goods that I was planning on buying for my father, probably in the summer. These goods are not needed right now. The store asked if I wanted to schedule an appointment. Apparently my brother has given them my name and telephone number. I'm not happy at all about this. How would you put a stop to this?
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Lisa, it is apparent that bro is going to stick every discretionary expense on you for exactly the same reasons you came up with. Dad raised us right so the job now is to provide him a luxury retirement.

Turnabout is fair play after all. Him paying dads aides for five years was a larger feat than store accounts, which he also paid. As now he doesn’t want to pay, that leaves you.

But not just you. It also leaves dad, who realistically should have been paying from the get go. Dad owns stocks and bonds, they go into care. So does this detached home of his if it is actually his. If he is set to fund his luxury retirement for x years, it is on him to do so.

And edit. It would sure help us if you’d be a little less double o seven in your posts. First what you called service providers and now this. Is this bro sending you the contacts for his carol wright account or what.
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PeggySue2020, you got most of it right but you don't know our entire history. My brother is greedy for even things he did not partcipate in earning! (God forbid if I told him that!) My issue is not that I will pay, I will. It's that my brother is going around to stores and service providers and telling them I am a prospective customer. That is wrong. I can do it on my own. I don't want my private information being shared!
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You could tell the vendors that bro is poa so here is bros contact info, I suppose. Or you could simply tell them as they come to you to take you out of their database, or keep you in there so you’ll get their promotions.

This is far smaller a deal than the coming years of falls and probably dementia symptoms.
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Update 3/29: Dad tells me again he wants peace in the family. Then adds "How will this end?"

My history with him is that I have always been a good daughter and there for him at an instant! My brother decided his life would be more complex, with extensive travelling and other things that removed him from regular contact, with the exception of the last number of years.

But now my father seems to favor him because, and this is my theory, that he and his family have major resources. It appears that me hanging the phone up on my brother is looked upon as a major disrespect but the fact that my brother made plans for me and my father without our knowledge is not at all. The fact that I couldn't even tell my brother about an important unrelated incident is not even considered.

I don't know what's keeping me calm right now but I'm almost ready to not tell anyone, change my phone number and move to San Diego!
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Lisa, you have had some 75 responses to your situation in which, honestly, nothing whatsoever is new.
Your brother is POA. Your father MOVED to be near your brother and APPOINTED your brother as POA and doesn't wish to CHANGE any of that. You have seen an attorney and apparent good advice from him or her as he or she is off the scene already.
Your father has begged you to leave all this alone so that there can be peace.

If you feel you can only bow out of all this by moving to San Diego, I applaud that move. A lovely lovely city where my brother lived for many years. I believe you could be very happy there.
If not, if you choose to stay, please seek counseling help for yourself, so you can honor the wishes of your Father and your Brother and get on with your life.
Best wishes.
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Lisa, every time you and bro interact, there’s a fight, and then at least one of you goes running off to tell dad. That’s the only way dad knows.

As of yesterday, bro signs u up as the contact at a couple of dads regular stores. It’s weird, I agree. but there’s no way to talk to him without a fight.

Cant both of you put dad first, in a way couples do a divorced child? My sister and her ex despise each other, but the child never hears about it.

Is there any way to facilitate that happening in your case?
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AlvaDeer, my situation is evolving and now dad wants me to make up with my brother. It stongly appears he thinks I'm the one at fault. I'm not and didn't disgree with my brother. I'm not apologizing. My brother can do what he wishes for dad, anything he wants! - but don't be calling me telling me what I have to do and then not listen to anything I say, even things that are not directly related to what my brother wants.

My brother is on a mission and the way he wants it will be they way it will be, in his mind. There are no mature discussions possible, nothing will make him feel any different.

If I leave my father will be hurt, for sure, but if I stay I will have to deal with regular stress and bracing myself for my brother's controlling, jerky communications. My life, like everyone else's, is finite, and I am going to exercise my right to pursue happiness. I willl not let anyone attemp to obstruct my right.
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As I said, I feel sorry for the brother and the dad.
I think you just enjoy trouble and argument.
I especially feel very sorry for your Dad, who is caught between two warring siblings.
My advice would be to GROW UP and bring your poor father peace and happiness.
If you cannot bring yourself to do that you certainly aren't worth MY time in looking in on your silly squabblings again. Sounds like a kindergarten.
Wish you the best but will be now avoiding any of your further machinations here as though they were plague.
It's all gone from interesting to tedious.
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Lisa, your father has now once again gotten involved with you and brothers fight. And instead of you asking useful questions, you’re already all focused on how you ain’t apologizing to brother, no way, like how it was when you were 14.

Every tiniest thing between you is about control. And frankly it’s in bros advantage to acquaint you with dads shopping places if you’re gonna do shopping, but let me guess, the spam incident already got back to dad because someone told.

Dads made it clear that he’d rather be taken care of by brother, all he wants for you is not to fight. But you two can’t and it always gets back to dad.

So what I’d do is Airbnb it to San Diego for a month. See what the employment prospects are. Good luck
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AlvaDeer, how am I not grown up? I moved here at my father's request and did it with love for him and my brother and family. I did not expect that my brother would then start making plans for myself and my father without our knowledge. Ok. he did that, but then to not let me even speak about that and anything else? He's now a controlling jerk and any mature adult would recogize it and stay far away.

My father was stunned about moving to assisted living. He hasn't said any more to me about it but he must be talking about that now to my brother. That's fine to me! My father is paying for it, too. Great! But why not even let me know exactly when this move happen and where it is? Some people are just controlling jerks. Unfortnately that is a true statement.
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Lisa,

PeggySue gave you about the best advice you're going to get around here.
Airbnb it for a month and see what the employment prospects are.
Get a job and get on with your life. Your brother is in charge of your father and his care.
Look on the bright side. You dodged a bullet. You don't have to take any caregiving responsibility for your father. So don't.
If your father doesn't get good caregiving from your father and is unhappy with it at some point, then oh, well. It's not your problem.
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Lisa, like Alva has been trying to tell you, it was never your brothers obligation to consult you with his plans. And regardless of how dad feels about not being told, he’s still making bro the decision maker.

your dad wants peace. So if that means you and bro can’t make peace, derivatively, he prefers you to leave.

Go investigate San Diego.
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PeggySue2020, I didn't reply to you and this is the last time I will say it: I know my brother had no obligation to tell me anything about his plans for dad. That's not what is at issue. What is at issue is that he then told me and told me what I must do but would not let me say anything. Plus he withheld important information about the original services (no longer reuired because of assisted living).

I tried to tell him something else important, unrelated to the assisted facility but he didn't want to hear it. That's fine! Just don't tell me anything anymore! Dad, don't tell me I must make up with my brother. Then we could be at peace. But that's not going to happen. Controlling people like that, who use deceptive tactics and invade the personal boundries of another are not going to change anytime soon, if ever.
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You wrote your own solution, Lisa. Which is to move far away.

In most families, having an extra sibling around willing to help would be seen by the the poa sibling as a good thing. After all, you’ll be able to personally deliver takeout, wipes, tp, chargers, whatever when he’s too busy. I’ve been engaging with you to see if even that can be possible, for you two to put aside your differences enough over even shopping.

It isn’t. You can’t get validation from bro or frankly dad either. They don’t want to hear anything you say, fair or not, and neither do you fair or not. As long as you’re present, you’ll be blamed. If your dad wants to modify his poa, he certainly can call you.

Airbnb it to San Diego. See what happens with dad. You might have more leverage from afar.
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These forums provide interesting social interactions. I prefer the factual though, In that regard they have been great. Many of the opinions, even very thoughful opinions, in my experience turn out to be wrong in the real world.
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Lisa, can you stop being defensive for one moment?

Eighty two posts and counting here have counseled you on how to deal with the real world. Which is that you aren’t a comanager and at this point you’re being actively excluded from even knowing where he will be moved to.

The active factor here is your hurt dignity that in fact dad sides with brother. Like dozens of Ppl have noted, it’s not something you’re gonna change.

I am engaging with you in the hopes you may realize this. It’s not gonna change, because dad and bro want it the way it is versus your getting involved.
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PeggySue2020, I've agreed to some of what you said. Like that I am being excluded. Well, what my unsuspecting brother doesn't realize is that unless he has a conservatorship over my father certain actions he may take may be illegal.

I don't feel my dignity is being hurt at all; I was under the impression that me and my family were all mature adults and that we would seek out professional advice before we made certain important life decisions. I also thought we were open with each enough to not be going behind other's backs.
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Whatever your issue is with your brother you should not get your father involved in it.

My relationship with my sibling is over too but I never spoke to my mom about it………my sibling did and that was very upsetting to her.

Try to mend your relationship with your Dad without speaking about your brother.
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So what's the plan? Are you moving to San Diego? If you're cutting off ties with your brother, seems like you've solved the problem.

Let your dad and your brother work out your dad's care. Call your father once in a while and just talk about general subjects. Neither of them wants you to be involved in your dad's care, so why not just let that go?
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