I posted recently about my brother setting up an appoinment behind my back for me to assume payments for a service provider for my father, a service he assumed years ago. Well, I didn't even have to say that I wouldn't pay. He knew by my non-verbal communication. Then he started in on how now he and his wife are taking complete control of my father's life! My father is frail and forgetful but not incompacitated by any means! He is like when he was 50 except I will admit he does forget some things that a younger person wouldn't.
So I didn't say I wasn't in agreement; I didn't argue at all. I just inputed some ideas I thought were helpful and brought up an event he should be aware of. He told me to "Shut up. We are doing this and I don't want to hear a peep from you." I hung up.
I called my father and he knew nothing that all kinds of plans were being made for him and he was shocked and not happy. Just as I thought.
Thank you for everyone for "listening". I have known my brother for decades; lots of great times, but now it's over. I feel sick about it but there's also a strength I find that I am able to stick up for myself. I will be controled by him or certainly will not live his life. I'm also going to fight if they do things that deprive my father of his independence.
So my question again is why are you there? You are as likely to get covid there than any place in the us you choose to go to. Wouldn’t it help to Airbnb it by some beach, draw a breath, and see what happens. It’s not like anyone wants you to stay, nor do you see this place as home.
As far as covid goes, well how’d you get down to where brother and dad were during the pandemic? Your car? Then utilize it to move somewhere other than this city that in the last post is like Peytons Place if you won’t fly. Then again flying is a pretty safe option considering it’s one of the few places still mandating masks. That’ll probably not last a month more, so if you want max protection, go now.
It doesn’t have to be San Diego. It need only be far enough for you two, you three, to get distance. You are not doing yourself any favors there or dad either. For now you are cut off from these two. That’s massively painful, but the longer you keep scratching at the wound, the less likely it will heal.
You said yourself you only moved down for dad. But it’s not working and you can’t hover there hoping bro will high tail it to Costa Rica. He probably won’t. So while it may sound like defeat to retreat, it really isn’t. They don’t want your help. Maybe move to somewhere with a fresh start, or back to your past hometown that you said you liked.
I have actually looked at going to other places other than San Diego but with covid I am a bit scared to fly right now. The good thing is even though I'm in the same city as my brother and dad it is a low chance of me coming into to contact with them. So for the short term it's ok but I went through my shoes and selcted the two pais that are coming with me if I decide to leave.
Let your dad and your brother work out your dad's care. Call your father once in a while and just talk about general subjects. Neither of them wants you to be involved in your dad's care, so why not just let that go?
My relationship with my sibling is over too but I never spoke to my mom about it………my sibling did and that was very upsetting to her.
Try to mend your relationship with your Dad without speaking about your brother.
I don't feel my dignity is being hurt at all; I was under the impression that me and my family were all mature adults and that we would seek out professional advice before we made certain important life decisions. I also thought we were open with each enough to not be going behind other's backs.
Eighty two posts and counting here have counseled you on how to deal with the real world. Which is that you aren’t a comanager and at this point you’re being actively excluded from even knowing where he will be moved to.
The active factor here is your hurt dignity that in fact dad sides with brother. Like dozens of Ppl have noted, it’s not something you’re gonna change.
I am engaging with you in the hopes you may realize this. It’s not gonna change, because dad and bro want it the way it is versus your getting involved.
In most families, having an extra sibling around willing to help would be seen by the the poa sibling as a good thing. After all, you’ll be able to personally deliver takeout, wipes, tp, chargers, whatever when he’s too busy. I’ve been engaging with you to see if even that can be possible, for you two to put aside your differences enough over even shopping.
It isn’t. You can’t get validation from bro or frankly dad either. They don’t want to hear anything you say, fair or not, and neither do you fair or not. As long as you’re present, you’ll be blamed. If your dad wants to modify his poa, he certainly can call you.
Airbnb it to San Diego. See what happens with dad. You might have more leverage from afar.
I tried to tell him something else important, unrelated to the assisted facility but he didn't want to hear it. That's fine! Just don't tell me anything anymore! Dad, don't tell me I must make up with my brother. Then we could be at peace. But that's not going to happen. Controlling people like that, who use deceptive tactics and invade the personal boundries of another are not going to change anytime soon, if ever.
your dad wants peace. So if that means you and bro can’t make peace, derivatively, he prefers you to leave.
Go investigate San Diego.
PeggySue gave you about the best advice you're going to get around here.
Airbnb it for a month and see what the employment prospects are.
Get a job and get on with your life. Your brother is in charge of your father and his care.
Look on the bright side. You dodged a bullet. You don't have to take any caregiving responsibility for your father. So don't.
If your father doesn't get good caregiving from your father and is unhappy with it at some point, then oh, well. It's not your problem.
My father was stunned about moving to assisted living. He hasn't said any more to me about it but he must be talking about that now to my brother. That's fine to me! My father is paying for it, too. Great! But why not even let me know exactly when this move happen and where it is? Some people are just controlling jerks. Unfortnately that is a true statement.
Every tiniest thing between you is about control. And frankly it’s in bros advantage to acquaint you with dads shopping places if you’re gonna do shopping, but let me guess, the spam incident already got back to dad because someone told.
Dads made it clear that he’d rather be taken care of by brother, all he wants for you is not to fight. But you two can’t and it always gets back to dad.
So what I’d do is Airbnb it to San Diego for a month. See what the employment prospects are. Good luck
I think you just enjoy trouble and argument.
I especially feel very sorry for your Dad, who is caught between two warring siblings.
My advice would be to GROW UP and bring your poor father peace and happiness.
If you cannot bring yourself to do that you certainly aren't worth MY time in looking in on your silly squabblings again. Sounds like a kindergarten.
Wish you the best but will be now avoiding any of your further machinations here as though they were plague.
It's all gone from interesting to tedious.
My brother is on a mission and the way he wants it will be they way it will be, in his mind. There are no mature discussions possible, nothing will make him feel any different.
If I leave my father will be hurt, for sure, but if I stay I will have to deal with regular stress and bracing myself for my brother's controlling, jerky communications. My life, like everyone else's, is finite, and I am going to exercise my right to pursue happiness. I willl not let anyone attemp to obstruct my right.
As of yesterday, bro signs u up as the contact at a couple of dads regular stores. It’s weird, I agree. but there’s no way to talk to him without a fight.
Cant both of you put dad first, in a way couples do a divorced child? My sister and her ex despise each other, but the child never hears about it.
Is there any way to facilitate that happening in your case?
Your brother is POA. Your father MOVED to be near your brother and APPOINTED your brother as POA and doesn't wish to CHANGE any of that. You have seen an attorney and apparent good advice from him or her as he or she is off the scene already.
Your father has begged you to leave all this alone so that there can be peace.
If you feel you can only bow out of all this by moving to San Diego, I applaud that move. A lovely lovely city where my brother lived for many years. I believe you could be very happy there.
If not, if you choose to stay, please seek counseling help for yourself, so you can honor the wishes of your Father and your Brother and get on with your life.
My history with him is that I have always been a good daughter and there for him at an instant! My brother decided his life would be more complex, with extensive travelling and other things that removed him from regular contact, with the exception of the last number of years.
But now my father seems to favor him because, and this is my theory, that he and his family have major resources. It appears that me hanging the phone up on my brother is looked upon as a major disrespect but the fact that my brother made plans for me and my father without our knowledge is not at all. The fact that I couldn't even tell my brother about an important unrelated incident is not even considered.
I don't know what's keeping me calm right now but I'm almost ready to not tell anyone, change my phone number and move to San Diego!
This is far smaller a deal than the coming years of falls and probably dementia symptoms.
Turnabout is fair play after all. Him paying dads aides for five years was a larger feat than store accounts, which he also paid. As now he doesn’t want to pay, that leaves you.
But not just you. It also leaves dad, who realistically should have been paying from the get go. Dad owns stocks and bonds, they go into care. So does this detached home of his if it is actually his. If he is set to fund his luxury retirement for x years, it is on him to do so.
And edit. It would sure help us if you’d be a little less double o seven in your posts. First what you called service providers and now this. Is this bro sending you the contacts for his carol wright account or what.
i repeat what poodle said:
i hope you’re not pulling anyone’s leg.
Lisa, even the finest al won’t pay for personal hygiene or clothing or extra phone or iPad chargers. Every time my in laws go to the hospital, even, the requests for this stuff increases by a thousand percent even though they could easily pack a go bag. The requests from dad will certainly increase.
The Atria I told you about changed hands in 2022. The trips and happy hours are now gone. They went a week eating San Quentin style prison food and a month without residential internet. These things can happen and if he’s relocating to Costa Rica, it is in his interest to have dad moved to a better facility.
If your father starts being unhappy with your brother’s decisions, you can tell your father he can make a new POA for you.
That decision only depends on your father, not your brother.