Follow
Share

I, for the most part, can handle Mom's issues. Sometimes, I get frustrated, but I am getting better at being patient. My problem is my brother, who lives with her. He is 71 years old -- 10 years my senior. He has always been known to have a temper (like my father had). He has a terminal condition -- idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, along with CML, and heart disease. I do a lot for him, as I do Mom. (One of the things I do for him is take care of Mom because I know what he can do is limited.) I also do his laundry, run errands for him, and fix dinner when he is not able to. He got in my face (literally) on Easter Sunday, after telling me to shut up. He doesn't like anyone to question something he says (even if you makes sense). I haven't questioned anything he has done since that day. Then, last Wednesday, he was outside; I was inside with Mom. I heard a gunshot and then heard my brother yell at the top of his lungs (not a good thing in his condition). I went outside to see why he was so upset. Someone in a house behind Mom's had shot off a pellet gun. I won't repeat what my brother said, but suffice it to say, he was more than just a little angry. He came inside out of breath, with his oxygen tank running. He started yelling again at the top of his lungs again (not at anyone, just yelling because of the gunshot). I don't think that is good for Mom to hear, but she knows how he is. In her condition she may not really understand, though. All I said to him was his name in a calm voice, wanting him to calm down (for his and Mom's sake). He turned to me, pointed and shouted to me (at the top of his lungs) "Shut up!" I just looked at him and said, "No." (calmly). He said it again and that he was "tired of my ****." I said (calmly again), "Oh, really?" He said, "Yes" and told me to "get the h out." So, I packed up my stuff and left. I heard him say "stay for her" [Mom], but I left anyway. I came back the next day (and every day after that) to take care of Mom, saying very little to my brother. For days, he had been in a somber mood, with his oxygen on most of the time. He never apologized (which upsets my husband). He really has not been doing well since Wednesday. I am surprised he didn't have a heart attack. That is how bad it was. Then, yesterday, I took Mom to my sister's. She has MS and lives next door to Mom. I have done a lot for her over the years. Unfortunately, what I can do for her now is limited because Mom can't be left alone. I knocked on my sister's door, she opened it and turned her wheelchair around and headed down her hallway, without even saying Hi. I asked her if she wanted us to leave. She didn't say anything. I asked her again, and said something to her about not even saying Hi. She yelled, "I cannot talk!" I guess she was upset about something (she has been having some issues lately). So, we turned around and walked out. Her son said it sounded like it was her normal self, but said she didn't have to be rude after all I do. After this week, I have not been doing well. I feel like I have stopped caring. I want things to be over. And, I feel like I am ready to throw in the towel...

JoAnn, Mom has expressive aphasia.

My brother (not my uncle) does not need assistance with personal care. He is not bedridden. He would not qualify for hospice (or pre-hospice) at this point. He uses oxygen most of the time. He normally fixes dinner. I do sometimes. I fix Mom's lunch. He fixes his own. I do the laundry for both because the laundry room is in the basement. The doctor told him last February that he had a year to live, but he is still plugging along. I do very little for him. I am at the house to take care of Mom. It is a small house and there is no avoiding him. He has always had a temper. He didn't talk to my other brother for several years over petty things. It really bothered Mom.

Mom is receiving in-home palliative care from a local hospice program. They provide limited services. This is the last week for it, but I had a private-pay evening staff taking care of Mom and they would bathe her in the morning. I do it when I spend the night. A hospice aide comes three times per week for one hour. Starting next week, she will be here early enough on two days to bathe Mom (even though at 9 a.m. that might be a little late... I will have to see how it goes.)

The residence hospice program provides a hospital bed, fall mats, gloves, but no wipes, pads, or diapers.

My sister only has use of one arm. She does have help coming to the house -- some are volunteers, some she has to pay for. She is struggling financially, and will have to sell her house. I don't do as much for her since Mom has needed full-time care (except take out her trash and clean her cat's litter box.) She just has a poor spirit, and blames everything on everyone else. Her sons know that as well -- one lives out of state; the other is moving out of state soon.
(0)
Report

You don't have anything on your profile? What does Mom suffer from. Uncle can do for himself? Then let him. I would think you make Moms meals? So you make enough for her and him. If he doesn't want what you are serving, anyone can make a sandwich. Laundry. The washer does all the work, he can put them in and take them out. Think, do you really need to do for him? Your sister? Each are responsible for themselves. There are services out there. If brother is terminal, then get hospice in there. They supply aids that can take care of his needs. Then all you worry about is Mom. If her illness will eventually cause her death, then u may want Hospice for her. They provide respite so you can get away. Diapers, wipes, and other things. Medicare pays for it. Wouldn't it be nice to have an aid to bathe her. This was a godsend to me.
.
(1)
Report

WilmaDean, it is so hard. Hugs.
(2)
Report

I'm ready to pack up and leave the state! I can't deal with this anymore not willing to lose my life caring for someone else. Might sound callous but I have my own issues have enough trouble doing for me!
(2)
Report

My sister called me yesterday and wanted to know what MY problem was... :-/
(1)
Report

Throwing in the towel.... 25 years of helping, overseeing, and sometimes living with LO, and I got too old to do it just when it's ramping up.... ain't it the pits?
(2)
Report

If you're unfortunate to be dealing with personality disorder, you can only change
what you do. Figure out what you want, and what you can realistically get (which
probably isn't much) and then put that boundary in place. Sometimes that means
not having much of a relationship. I think that is why us giving types tend to avoid
the confrontation. We'd rather live with the chaos and hope, than live in peace
with the reality and face the likelihood that family with PD's will not change.

Giving up can actually be a good thing
(2)
Report

HolidayEnd, That is how I feel....

freqflyer, to my knowledge, he has not been tested for a UTI, but I don't know what he talks to his doctors about. (And I can't tell him what he should do...) The way he over-reacted is really his personality. His (long-time) girlfriend was there, and said she thinks he was anticipating that I was going to say that he was wrong. But, that was not the case. His issues run deep and (I think) are a result of how our father treated him. At 71, I don't think he will change.... I thought it would have been better if I changed my reaction to him. I did this time (the last time, I told him I stood up to him).... but, his reaction was the same... So, I give up. 
(3)
Report

Mapotter, has your brother ever been tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can cause older folks to act out of control. The test is pretty simple and can be done at your brother's primary doctor's office or even at an urgent care. Antibiotics are usually prescribed.
(2)
Report

Your entire family depends on you and tells you to drop dead for your efforts. I’d show them what it’d be like without me.

If you are wanting them to apologize don’t hold your breath. I don’t think they will.
(6)
Report