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Really having the internal struggle today. In my head, I know that my Mom, even though she hates Assisted Living, is being cared for. She is being fed, has made some friends, gets her meds like she should, etc. As her Frontal Lobe Dementia/Delusional Disorder continues to progress, there will be psychiatric care available to her.


In my heart however, I feel guilty and bad for a Mom who was taken from her home to a Facility that is over an hour away in the middle of nowhere. She has nothing to look forward to and will likely die there. Her depression has worsened. She calls and guilt trips me saying "You're not doing enough to get me out of here", or "You act like you don't even care if I go home". I just keep telling her to follow through with her doctor's appointments and try to stay active and help and take care of herself, when deep down, I know she will never leave there, kind of misleading her.


Its a tough road. I do feel relief that the daily caregiving burden is now being done by someone else, but feel guilty at the same time. I'm only visiting once a month now, because I can't deal with constant talk of "what I need to do so she can go home". I'm sure many of you deal with the same thing daily. I'm glad we are all here of each other!

You are not alone in this at all. Guilt is a constant struggle for me too. I have to lie to my mother that I am working on getting her out of there - though I know that that can never be the case as her Alzheimer's has progressed too far - but having to lie to her tears me up inside. I reason with myself that she doesn't and can't understand why she can't go back to her childhood home (the only place that she wants to be right now) so lying is the only way to soothe her but I feel so awful doing it.

Thank you for your post. It does help to know that I am not the only one experiencing this.
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What is most important? Two things, she gets needed care, you are emotionally and physically well. These things are accomplished while she is in a facility. They are neglected if she remains in her home. The assisted living facility is her new home.

When she says, “I want to go home.” You say, “I know that you do but this is your home now.” Tell her when you reached a certain age that you left her home to start your new life.

It was appropriate for you to move away from your mom’s house. You were not going to live at home forever. She is at the appropriate age to move out of her home and not return, just as you did not return home to her house. It’s called, ‘moving on.’
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Please know that you ARE doing the right thing. Do not let guilt eat you up, else you'll be good to no one.
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I have been going thru the same thing since we moved mom to AL. I question whether her dementia has worsened because she doesn’t have much to do to keep her busy. housekeeping, shopping, laundry, cooking are all done for her. What's left is watching TV and obsessing about small issues.

But then I remind myself that she is safe, is taking her meds as directed, eating well, and is never alone if she needs something. She has people to talk to and activities to join in on.

And I can visit to see her, not do her household chores, change lightbulbs, and the hundred little things she needed done at her house.
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First, always keep in mind that you ARE doing the right thing for her. Emotions are not reliable - especially if mom's brain is not working right. Simple fact here. I'm going to assume that at home she was not doing very well, not eating right, taking care of herself, isolated, no social life. Realistically how is this good for her? I suspect that she "Hates" what her medical situation has become. But life is all too often like that. We all age, decline (unless we die suddenly in a traffic accident, etc.) It is our human situation - we will all die, someplace, some time.  You are doing the right thing.
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It is so hard, isn’t it? But when they say they want to go home, they really mean they want to go back to the way their lives were when they were independent and well. Nothing you do can turn the clock back for her. You’re doing the best you can by her, even if she doesn’t always realize it. Make sure you do well by yourself, too — you deserve that.
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Redirect those negative thoughts. Instead of "I dumped her in this place" to "I placed her into a new home where she is well-cared for". Instead of agreeing with mom about her being "stuck there without you" to "she is surrounded constantly by people who care for her". Instead of agreeing that you "don't care" to "I care so much I couldn't leave you alone uncared for... so I found these folks who can do it all the time". Of course, your mom wants to regain what she was used to, but she doesn't "see" the problems that required her to need 24/7 care. In time, the new place will become home.

When you do visit, direct the conversation. Bring a game, a puzzle, a craft, anything to work on together and talk about. When she falls into the "you must do this..., that..., or the other.... get her out," redirect the conversation to the good things she has in the present location. Never promise something you will not do. Just keep redirecting the conversation to more positive subjects.
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It can’t hurt to get some self-care for yourself. It will help to have phrases you can say to Mom, and help to stop the chatter in your head. She should be happy you care so much and she can afford the AL.
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I like Florida's response. If she was in her own home she wouldn't be happy. Her friends would be old too. Doing less and less. She would be lonely because her friends would be dying off. Shecwould expect you to be her everything. We can't be their everything. We have lives.

They always want to go home. She doesn't realize how good she has it. That is what I would keep saying. Mom you have a really nice place, an apt to yourself. You don't have to cook. Don't have to clean. Don't have to do laundry. Your making new friends. And mislead. She has Dementia. She can't reason anymore.
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For some issues there aren’t answers, only understanding. You’ve done your best for your mom, she’s blessed to have you looking out for her. I hope you’ll find peace in the journey
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It should comfort you (to some degree) to know that FTD dementia cannot be dealt with at home, except for maybe 1% of the population. It's just way, way too much to deal with at home and your mother would not be safe or properly cared for, so that's something to remind yourself when she plays the FOG card (Fear Obligation & Guilt). It's funny how they're suffering from dementia but STILL manage to throw out the zingers and the guilt cards left and right so we're SURE to feel crappy after every visit and phone call, right? I'm right there with you.

DH & I went to see my 93 y/o mother in her Memory Care ALF last night, as we normally do. The visits are getting harder and harder for us as her disease progresses and her behaviors worsen. When we got home I just broke down & cried at the dinner table. I'm just so exhausted, emotionally & psychically. It's been since 2011 that my folks moved here after dad had to give up his license, and 5 years since he passed away. My mother has been getting increasingly more difficult to handle ever since, and as an only child, I bear ALL of the burdens. It's a lot. Just the mental anguish alone feels like a full time job sometimes, doesn't it? The never feeling 'good enough' or that we've 'done enough' or that we can make them happy just grinds away at the psyche and erodes the spirit after a while.

I have no sage advice to offer, just to say I 'get it'. I feel your pain. Hang in there. She's in good hands, you're a good daughter, and you've done The Right Thing. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently, okay?
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Please do not beat yourself up.  As our elderly loved ones gets older, even if they remain at home, they will get out less, their friends will move away, etc.   Nothing stays the same.
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