So here goes; My husband and I met 11 yrs ago and in this small world, both of our fathers worked for and retired from the same large company in a small town about 5 hrs away from us many years ago. (we are 60ish) My father passed from Parkinson’s 20yrs ago but my mother was still active with the companies retiree committee and had met my husband's father and his wife before my husband and I ever met. Two years ago his father's wife passed away. She wasn’t well liked by his family so most of the siblings were ok with their father being alone despite his health issues. He quickly struck up a friendship with my widowed mother. They are 87 and 90yrs old. My husband convinced his dad to move closer to us and he bought a small home a few blocks from us. Perfect right? Well it didn’t take long before he admitted to hating living alone and started after my mom to move into his house. Separate bedrooms of course lol. My mother has been on her own and very independent for 20yrs and was very unsure. I had been trying to get her to consider moving closer or into our basement suite for some time so she reluctantly agreed as she now has some health issues of her own although they don’t hold her back. She liked the companionship so she gave it a whirl but hasn’t sold her home so she has an out if things should go south.
We all thought it was wonderful for them at their age. Everyone except my step daughter that is, who thinks it’s disgusting and refuses to consider otherwise. I am now married to my brother she points out regularly lol.
My father in law's wife that passed controlled his every move and his finances so there was some relief in the family that he could now live life as he wished and buy what he wanted.
So, my mom moves in and starts behaving like she owns the joint, telling him not to buy this or that. She is not paying any rent, any of the home expenses and contributes only to food and only 25% of it because as she says she doesn’t eat much. She is getting quite comfortable living on his dime which causes issues between my brother-husband and I. I think she should be paying her fair share for ethical reasons and my husband doesn’t like what he sees as a repeat of his late step mothers control. As my mother has aged she has totally lost her filter when it comes to speaking her mind too which ruffles a lot of feathers. She can be quite rude. My brother who lives far away was always the golden child and I was never up to her standards. Something she points out regularly. She’s a rather snotty Brit and is all about appearances. My husband's dad is the type that tells people whatever he thinks they want to hear which causes confusion between everyone. Now my husband and siblings are concerned everything will go to her in the end and frankly I agree with them. It just would not be right and I can see my mother coercing him into something like that because that’s what she’s like and has always been taken care of so living off his money is quite normal to her.
I guess I’m really just wanting to blow off steam so I thank you for allowing me to do that. I feel like I’m getting so bitter and I don’t like it. We try to laugh about it, my brother-husband and I but I get very hurt by her snits and fear one day my husband is going to rip her a new one. I just keep telling myself she’s ninety and I know I will miss her when the time comes. That’s if I don’t stroke out in the mean time 🤯🤯🤯
Thanks again for listening

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
You folks are amazing and thank you all for such insightful and helpful advice. It’s so nice to not be judged.
My husband thankfully has a lot of financial control for his dad and does all his bill payments etc. We both do have POA’s for our own parents. His father will listen to him but ultimately it’s his money and decision which is the way it should be. My mother, if pissed would have no problem revoking my POA out of spite. If she pushes too hard hubby will put her in her place which will cause me a world of hurt. She wouldn’t care about that though because it’s all about doing and saying what she wants.
Anyways, I guess I’ll just take it as it comes. No point on worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.
its a miracle I’m not an alcoholic or addict lol.
Thank you all again. Venting has helped a lot 🙏

Knowing you will 'miss your mother once she's gone' is not a reason you shouldn't feel aggravated with her behavior NOW! I've had that statement made to me by my cousin and I even opened a discussion about it last year, it got me so irritated. My mother was hospitalized and I knew she'd be going to rehab afterward, which is a giant PAIN in the BUTT for all concerned, and here's my cousin, 3500 miles away, wagging her finger at me (over Facebook DMs, no less) that I will 'miss her when she's gone'. Which had no relevance to the aggravation & frustration I was feeling at the time!

Anyway, I like Realyreal's idea about your husband getting financial POA (hopefully) so he can help his dad structure his will in a fair & equitable way. If that's not possible, then I guess he'll leave the inheritance to whomever he sees fit and nothing much you can do about it. I have an English friend who's father recently passed away & left most of his fortune to charity, instead of to his only child who'd given up his life to care for him!!! Ugh. Felt like a real slap in the face to the poor son.

Best of luck!

Sounds like your father in law has a 'type' and your mom is it. It does sound like she's taking advantage of him and it sounds like that dynamic is comfortable for him.

This is an issue he needs to solve with his children's help. I'm surprised estate planning isn't already in place. They need to do some estate planning-now.

Bottom line- you aren't responsible for what your mom does and you can't control it. If it weren't her living with him and telling him what to do, he would find some other controlling woman- one that might want to get married!

PS- your stepdaughter is ridiculous.

First, don’t let the ‘incest’ comment upset you. You know it’s rubbish, and I also know a couple that were in the same boat with remarrying parents. Second, I too have lived with my mother who was pretty blunt and my MIL who wouldn’t come out with what she really thought. I found MIL more difficult, because it was really hard to work out what she wanted.

I’m not sure that a POA for your brother will stop the DH’s father making a will in favour of your mother, unless you have evidence that he has lost legal competence and can’t make a valid will (which doesn’t seem to be the case). Rather than a real ‘rip it up’ session, I’d suggest that you, DH and his siblings all go together to talk to them about sharing expenses now, and about how property will be left. Just the fact that you all go together, your mother’s daughter as well as DH’s father’s sons, will be enough to make a big impact without being crushing.

As far as your mother’s snottiness is concerned, not to mention your golden brother, it’s about par for the course. Walk out/ hang up if necessary if she gets on that subject. But whether or not you miss her when she’s gone, right now keeping the relationship civil is the easiest option all round. Good luck!

Is their anyway for your brother husband to gain financial PoA to ensure that his dad doesn't will everything to your mom?

If your mom is behaving ugly maybe a rip roaring butt chew would get her to reel it in. Sometimes we have to let people work out their own differences and remain uninvolved.

I use to tell my employees, if you have a problem with "Joe" talk to "Joe" about it, not anyone else. I still think that is good advice, they need to figure it out.


This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter