Of all the issues of caregiving what seems to induce the highest level of caregiver guilt?

My only guilt was that I didn't learn years earlier that my parents would eventually become elderly and would need help.   I felt I should have known this was coming.   But my parents were pretty healthy into their 80's and into their early 90's, they use to walk 2 miles a day.   Never thought they would all the sudden stop, and also give up driving.

For me it was more resentment, I wouldn't have the fun filled exciting retirement that my parents had for more than 25 years.   And they never needed to take care of their own parents so they had no reference what they were doing to me. 

I also resented that my parents didn't plan ahead on what they would do if they did get sidelined with their age.   I am thankful that they did save for all those "rainy days" as it was storming out there.   How I wished they would have used some of that money to help me out with their own care.   Mom refused strangers in her house, and refused to move to Independent Living.

Oh well, at least we all can learn from our parent(s) on what to do and what not to do.

I hear you, freqflyer. One of the problems with eldercare is that it's such a crapshoot. My mother's parents lived into their 80's and were self-sufficient until the very end. My father's mother was bedridden for several years at the end, but she had plenty of money to hire round the clock care. My own mother was so independent; I never imagined she would one day decide to give up everything in her life to sit in a chair and be waited on by her children. I never would have guessed that that was in her plans or a possible outcome of her life. She nodded her head and said piously "It's time..." as though she was making a big sacrifice. Which she was, but we were sacrificing a whole lot more. There is a lot of resentment, at least for me. A lot more resentment than guilt in my case.

Jeannegibs...you struck a nerve..maybe what I'm calling guilt is really something else entirely..mom has two personalities..she can flip from nice to a spiteful judgemental critical person in a heartbeat..she scares me...and I don't like her..in fact I may not even love her..she's dangerous to me..and I feel odd admitting this ...ashamed ..and I struggle to help and be kind to her...it's so difficult...but there it is..

Sherijean - I feel for you. It's truly awful having to take care of someone you don't like or love. I find it an effort to be nice to my mother too a lot of the time. I actually had to hand off a lot of the tasks I was doing for my mother because I would get sick with resentment and agitation when I had to have sustained and frequent contact with her. She always manages to do something to get under my skin whenever I'm with her, and I need plenty of time in between visits to decompress and let the feelings fade away.

This last week we were talking about what might happen if her housemate/live-in helper were to become unavailable, and mom indicated that she thought I would have to move in with her and take over. That's not going to happen, but just the fact that she expects that and would undoubtedly push for it was enough to make me agitated and anxious. So I think I know how you feel. It's very, very tough!

Sherijean, you are not alone. I came to a terrible realization the other day. My mother was laying on the sofa in a way that looked like she could be dead. Instead of being grief stricken and concerned, I ducked into the kitchen a moment. The only thing I thought "Not today. I can't deal with this today." It is a shameful thing to feel, but I do dread the burden on dealing with her death and cleaning up all her affairs afterward.

I wonder if when we spend too long caregiving for a difficult parent if we lose our ability to like them or love them. We are simply doing a job like a good employee would. I envy people who have good warm family relationships.

BTW, she wasn't dead. Forgot to add that. I was glad when she got up when I called her. I just couldn't deal with it that day. I don't know if I will ever deal with it well. It is too much burden for one back.

There are so many times when I actually hated my mom and I came to the decision and learned that you a love a person and not like them in early adolescence.

The guilt is part of the programming while they are doing things and treating us in a way that eventually leads to dislike and hate.

You know all I ever wanted to hear was thanks, I see how you are trying to help. But with narcissist its all about them. I felt like when I did good I was making her look bad so I had to be punished. Same with my sister.

She used to bam on the door like purposefully to turn off light or turn down tv. or to say she could hear me talking on the phone crazy crazy spite full stuff. I think when they see you truly love them you ae in trouble.

Anytime she is not up when I get down I think this is it. For a long time. I dread it because I believe this is going to be a very volatile period for me and that I will end up blowing up on my sister and nephew and anybody else who act like they want some.. I am just so filled with resentment and anger. I pray it helps actually keeps me in a good place but not for long.

Now, my issues is this sweet, thoughtful person, not throughly though but who is my mother. This is lasting too long. Lol. Im waiting for the switch to fflip. Plus she is a gemini. No offense to those of you out there but Yall know...I would put some money on that. Thats been a lifetime,, a thesis. My ,mother and sister Whew!!!! sick .

Sheri Jean my advice, is to stay on board her and keep posting and read through old post. Especially about narcisssim.

It amazes me as I read old stuff how true the post is to my life. How so many of us suffer from the same issues. That my pain is not uncomon. That the sickness in my family and my self is not just mine. Im not alone. But this narcissim is something to check out. It gave me understanding and wisdsom and tools to work with defending myself and my heart and my mind just by learning about it. I wish you the best in this journey its long and painful but can be rewarding just the same. My heart is with you. Just dont feed into the negative feelings and someone adviced me to find a lil humor in the mist of it and it works.
I could write a novel and be rich on the things I could share. Guess we all could, that's why we here :)

I must admit I have the same trouble many times with my situation. My wife's accident slowly chipped away at our relationship that we no longer are a "couple". I tried the best I could but found no way to prevent a change when the relationship was so dramatically different. I am here and never leaving out of compassion and empathy and will "soldier on". 
Sometimes I wonder if I suffer some form of PTS from her accident and going through being told I should "prepare myself" for her death or staying in a coma and the (6) month journey to get her back home. There is no one left and she would need to be placed in a skilled nursing facility if I left. I despise any person who could just leave knowing that and even the thought makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. So I push forward the best I can with no real future plan or dreams when a guy my age should have many.
I know the situations bad when I read posts about people trying to deal with aging parents and I see that as just a difficult period to go through and not a life sentence. I don't say that in disrespect or comparison because I know being a caregiver is an incredibly tough job no matter what you're dealing with. Just like the depth of the water makes no difference when it's over your head. I think it's just more a realization to me knowing this is not a temporary event in my life which will one day pass.

Carla, You wrote "My own mother was so independent; I never imagined she would one day decide to give up everything in her life to sit in a chair and be waited on by her children."

I didn't see you at the family reunion. That is odd because we are clearly sisters.

LOL, Sis! I mean, mom2mom!

This is such a thought-provoking thread. If I feel guilt, it's because I'm not one of the Doormat Daughters that society seems to expect us to be. I had lunch last week with a group of women, one of whom hadn't been able to get together with us for months because of her mother. (Her 93 y/o mother cannot be left alone because she fell, was hospitalized and then in rehab.) Her mother will not have anyone come in, nor will she go to a facility. (A brother stays with the mother while my friend is at work. My friend was told by her sibs to move in with the mother when my friend's husband died over a decade ago, and she did so.)

My guilt comes in because I would not sacrifice myself like this (or like so many on this forum do). Maybe it's guilt that I can't let things go; can't accept that I'm the one who is supposed to be the main point person for my mother, all the while being unappreciated.

I SEE SOMEONE SAID THEY WERE GETTING HELP FROM A CAREGIVERS SUPPORT GROUP. I LIVE IN FT. MYERS FL AND CAN'T SEEM TO FIND ONE. ANY IDEAS.

In the last few months my mother has done less and less and less. She was never a person that was very outgoing even when she could get up and get around, preferring to talk to one or two friends on the phone and basically watch TV. I remember she has watch TV all of her life, but I still find it so frustrating that she won't go down and enjoy the people that are in her senior center but then complains that she's very lonely. I still work and though she lives about 15-20 minutes away, I simply will not go down there every day to be her social time. I do, however, need to do a better job of taking care of myself.

I feel guilty because I'm discovering that I am wearing out and worry that I won't be able to keep up with this for much longer. I am the only child and sole caregiver, except for the aide I hire when I'm at work. There is resentment too, because my life is gone, and fear, because mom's care is going to bankrupt us. My income isn't great and I have no health insurance or pension plan, except eventually a pittance from social security. And I am afraid of seeing mom decline and nothing I can do to stop it.

I put conditions on my Dad coming home from rehab, or going to assisted living. He had to be able to transfer and clean himself on the toilet.  I had been handling everything else, but he had to be able to do those two things.  Every week we discussed him coming home, and he told me he was just about there. Dad got a UTI, and fell at the AL facility. It started a domino effect and we lost him in 4 short days. I am racked with guilt that I didn't just bring him home, and do what needed to be done. I am unable to sleep and find myself walking the neighborhood at all hours of the night. 

Dear didntknow,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your dad. I'm so sorry. Its so hard being the sole caregiver to an elderly parent. We all have our limits. And the truth is we really didn't know things would happen so quickly.

I thought my dad was coming home too. But he was getting weaker and weaker. The doctor even told us he had 6 months to a year and that was shocking enough, but then he passed two days later. And I feel as so many of you, rack with guilt. Us women bear this burden more acutely.

I keep going back to the last year of my dad's life. He was getting grumpy. Refusing his meds, eating and drinking less and didn't care about showers. All he wanted to do was sleep. I was at my wits end. And none of my siblings stepped up. All the decisions were up to me. So I feel so extra guilty for letting my dad down. I should have found a better way. I should have found a way to keep him alive. Now I have to suffer the pain and grief of his passing.

I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight. And I should try to move forward the best I can. I continue to seek out counseling, support groups and to read as much as I can about grief. I need to understand, but I still struggle with the guilt.

I have caregiver burn out. No guilt, my self centered and demanding fil has become a member of my toxic list, he will always be a taker, he never shows empathy for anyone or their illnesses. He never accepts responsibility for his bad choices or mistakes. It,s always been other people's fault. I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. I can't t do this anymore, his other son and dil. Can deal with him. I know this sounds harsh, but I am terminally ill and I need time with my husband, children and grandchildren. If I any guilt it's that I should have done this sooner. I won't do this to my children, my future is not long and already have my wishes taken care of.