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Mom is 85, my girlfriend and I have lived with her for 3+ years at her request and after much discussion.
She started declining mentally after dad died 23 years ago.

She was hospitalized for a fall about 12 years ago and ended up going through severe alcohol withdrawal. I don't believe she has drank since then but it damaged her further. This was the last time she saw a doctor other than getting her ears cleaned at an ENT Dr.. Her BP was 224/137 at the time. She refuses any medical attention.

It's been a very rough 3 years, she is aggressivly adversarial with me. The aggression is increasing, I've learned to deal with it to some degree. So far it is only verbal/physiological.

Her car battery is dead and I refuse to fix it. She should not be driving as she has proven many times.

Last week she had a bruise the size of the entire outside of her forearm. We have security cameras. I counted her falling down at least 6 times and on the floor for over an hour. It appears that she can't move one of her legs temporarily. When we got home she was back on her feet, shook up a bit but refused any medical attention.

I am the sole housekeeper, cook, caretaker in the house. I also have a full time business I own.

I have been asking her to keep her toilet flushed because of the smell. She has resisted. I recently discovered that the smell is actually drinking glasses overflowing with poop and shower water she is keeping in the shower....! Right next to a functioning toilet. Upon discovering I was cleaning it up she physically tried to stop me and defend her cups of poop!

I believe she has had some form of dementia for a while, it's why we moved in. Up till now she has seemed able to bathe and do her laundry. I'm horrified she is basically bathing in poop!

She is unable to cook, drive, operate anything new and a lot things familiar. She seems incapable of any meaningful communication.
Dementia, high BP, UTI, Mini strokes plus who knows what?!

I'm it, she has 2 brothers who are concerned but not involved, my brother is on the other side of the country and largely unconcerned. I'm it and I have reached my limit.

I need help. If I can't figure something out I'm going to move out and leave her there to fend for herself.

I would do most anything for the woman if she was the least bit cooperative but I can't be treated this way. No one including her should live in those conditions.
I have called all family members and told them what is up, I have called APS.

She needs medical attention and mental evaluation.
I don't know what to expect, I've left a message with APS 2 days in a row but have not heard back. I don't know if they can even HELP and I'm sure nothing will happen quickly.

I feel like it is a betrayal of her wishes but I also know it is necessary. I don't want to abandon her but I have to get some help.

Heartbroken in Montgomery Co. OH.

Again I thank you all for the useful information and insight. I'm doing the best I can. There is no one else.
I've found that most services are for people who want help. I've also found that since mom has an income and some assets a lot of these services are not available to her.
I've found most people to be either dismissive, snarky or outright rude in their assumptions.
I know how these forums work, the problems of communication, lack of nuance, how easy it is to read something and interpret it wrongly.
I will continue to try and find my mom the help she needs. I must also look out for my well being.
Thank you all.
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Catattoo if you are still checking here, I think Ohio has better rules about using Medicaid for Assisted Living or Memory Care than many states where Medicaid will only pay for a nursing home. Maybe if you can get her to the ER, even by saying she's suddenly acting out of sorts or if you tell them you just learned she's fallen multiple times and you want to make sure she didn't hit her head (I think they'll order an MRI for that), sometimes it's the foot in the door to getting them medical treatment or placement if they've resisted seeking a doctor's advice. That is a pain but for some reason sometimes they'll agree to go to the ER as opposed to a regular doctor's appointment.

I'm sure you already know there are various things that could be causing your mom to act this way. She may have "alcoholics' dementia" (can't remember what it's really called), she could have been suffering mild strokes, or have another form of dementia or cognitive problems. On top if that a UTI can cause dizziness and delirium in older people. I also know, in our case, our loved one had a hairline fracture the doctor missed and he was falling repeatedly till he fell and really injured himself. But figuring out what is going on medically will really help you all decide how to proceed.

If you haven't done so already, you could try contacting the Montgomery County Frail Elderly Services Advisory Committee (MCFESAC) (225-4948) and especially your Area Agency on Aging (800-258-7277) -- they are both "on the web" so you can see if there are services available that could be useful to your mom.

Good job on keeping the car away from her use, and also for getting more family involved. Good luck!!!
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Thank you CM - I think he is in a very conflicting, emotionally difficult situation - He said he didn't want to abandon his mom - so the idea of putting her in a home may may seem like he is giving up on her -but from what he describes - he needs professional help
and regarding the falls
I read 'security camera' - and not- nanny cam - so I was thinking that he reviewed the footage later, after he saw the bruise on her arm, and saw the falls his mom took -not viewing the falls she took in real time.
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Bakingbliss, I take your point, and I stand corrected. I ought not to have been so ratty with him.

And, the situation was not the same as I'd imagined from the description, which was quite a relief.

On the other hand... and while I do genuinely apologise and hope that I haven't frightened the OP away... what did you make of the example he had given of how he knew for certain his mother was falling?
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 - My problem with comments like that here is this- Someone has just shared incredibly personal, vulnerable details of their life -and after being criticised by someone who barely knows a sliver about them - why would they be honest and open and vulnerable here again?  and others reading posts see those comments and think - "I'm not putting myself out there-' 
I am saying the effect of snide remarks could be huge -  - I should have been specific to what I opposed to begin with - but I did so not to single out someone but to keep the safe non-judgemental forum open - 
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BB, CM is one of the most wise, witty and insightful posters here. And she has a uniquely sophisticated way of making points. But she's also compassionate, much more so than I am. If she makes a firm point, it's for a reason.

Thanks for explaining your post.
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I was referring to CM comments on whether the poster was 'taking bets' on whether his mom would get up after she fell - I felt that was rude - I am fine with blunt - I don't think anyone reaching out for help deserves to be ridiculed - exactly for the reasons you point out - we don't know their whole story and shouldn't judge
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Your mom is clearly beyond your capacities for care, thats not a judgement, you're
not a memory care unit or NH with staff to take care of incontinence (willful or
otherwise). Seems like hospital and then placement makes best sense. And yes,
think carefully before becoming guardian. Bring the family on board now while shes in
hospital. The scope of care many seniors need, demand or otherwise force is far
far beyond what we could imagine when we started out with first crises.
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Well, and emotionally written, Barb. Thanks for explaining what BakingBliss might have missed.

BB, I can't tell how long you've been on the forum; none of your profile information is enabled, such as answers, personal info, etc. That kind of information helps us understand the situation, background, etc.

If you're here long enough, you'll also learn that there are other issues which prompt "blunt" responses:

1. Someone posts an issue but doesn't provide enough information, repeatedly reiterating his/her complaints but never providing enough information for anyone to offer any suggestions. But the person might complaint that he/she isn't getting good answers.

2. Some post in Joyce style stream of consciousness, long sentences run together, without punctuation and paragraphing. These kinds of posts are difficult to read. We can't respond if we have trouble reading.

3. And we're responding on our own time.

4. Some people don't want advice; they just want pity, over and over and over again. But they won't make changes that are suggested.

5. Some people here have been through, and are literally still going through extremely difficult, challenging, depressing situations with their own family, yet they're taking time out to try to help others. Or they're recovering from equally difficult caregiving, or post death situations. Don't judge them.


You might want to think twice and become more acquainted with the posters before your criticize generically. Make yourself a welcome member instead of a critic.
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Baking Bliss; I'm not sure that some of us are "judgemental".

Some of us are "blunt".

Along the lines of "why do you have video equipment if no one is watching it"?

"Why do you think that someone with dementia is going to "coooperate"?

Some of use blunt questions to wake up folks who think that their loved ones' mental process are still working. If they've been dx'ed with dementia, there's a whole new ball game going on.

Before my mom was diagnosed, when we thought she was just getting "a little less with in", I went shopping with her in Bed Bath and Beyond. She'd told me she was out of cortisone cream. I picked up the generic cream she normally used, which unfortunately had new packaging. Mom picked up a different package that said "Anti Itch Creme" but contained no cortisone. I said "no mom, this is the one you want".

She looked at me (this was the person who taught me to read ingredient lists) and said "but this one says "anti itch creme and that's what I want".

I went home and cried that night. This was no longer my mom.
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Yes you are in a difficult - to say the least - situation - You need professional help. Your mom sounds like her dementia is worsening and she is no longer able to be reasonable, hygienic etc. Dementia does this - try to get some professional advice - so that you can see this as a disease and not a personality disorder- please reach out to professionals who can offer steps to take and compassion for what you are trying to deal with -

On a side note

Thank you for sharing such difficult and candid stories - some people on this website are very judgemental - without knowing all of the details; they don't know your full story -make assumptions etc. don't let them make you feel bad - I know you didn't 'calmly' watch your mom fall - you said you counted watching her fall - even on this site people can chastise others who a reaching out for help - unfortunate for all of us as it may stop someone who may need help but afraid they will be met with judgemental non- constructive criticism - Good Luck!!! Start putting together a professional team that can support you!!
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Fair enough, that clears up the mystery of why you didn't intervene. But in that case, can you tell me what the point of having security monitors is if nobody is watching them?
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Thank you all for your insight. APS can't do anything at this time. The lady said a 911 call is probably what it's going to take.
In retrospect we should have called 911 the evening after she fell. She insisted that she would not go to the hospital. I saw the recording of the day well after it happened.
Mom might be addled but she is still willey, stubborn and insistent. At 59 years old she still has an emotional power over me.
We have a plan, we have a few family members on board and more than a few who she still has fooled.
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You are requiring a woman with dementia to co-operate.

That would seem to indicate that you have not yet quite grasped the meaning of the word dementia.

Do not wait for your mother's permission, because we will all be dead before that happens. Either use guile to get her to the ER and *tell* them the list of dementia symptoms you have observed, which in your mother's case are florid enough to satisfy anyone on the refusing treatment question; or call 911 and get an ambulance to her.

On which point. Did you really mean to say that you calmly sat there observing your mother on camera and watched her fall six times and watched her lie on the floor for a full hour and then went home as normal to find her shaken but upright? You watched her fall six times, and watched her lie on the floor for an hour? What, were you taking bets on whether she'd get up, or something?

I'm sorry, but the thought that someone could think this justified because his *demented* mother is combative and disagreeable... I'm at a loss. I hope I have misunderstood.

You know your mother is demented. You know her medical history. You must now appreciate that she is unable to give her informed consent; and that being so, doing nothing on the grounds that you haven't got it constitutes neglect.
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Oh, I see this was 8 days ago and the OP hasn't been back.
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I agree with JoAnn. I think this situation has reached the point that you can't continue in it and need to find other solutions.

I would advise against guardianship though as you would have a legal obligations for tasks that your mother would probably challenge, increasing your level of frustration. If you're considering walking away, guardianship is not a commitment you'd want.

If you're not getting response from APS, you could take her to the hospital b/c of her high BP, apparent dementia, and speak with a social worker about assistance with finding a placement for her, as well as applying for Medicaid.

You're wise to contact family; you could go a step farther in a CYA action and notify them in writing that you can't continue and will be seeking legal intervention. That puts them on notice so they can't accuse you of abandonment or similar action later. And it gives them an opportunity to step up if they think they can manage the challenge.

I sense so much depression in your post; please consider acting on this right away, as it may take some time to work out the details, even with a social worker's assistance.
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Your Moms falls could be mini strokes or she has had a stroke. She can no longer be left alone. Guardianship may take a while. In the meantime, with her BP reading, she maybe in the hospital. Have her evaluated then. If 24/7 care is called for, tell them you cannot take care of her. She can go to an NH and you can start the Medicaid application.
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It sound like you need to go to court and apply for emergency guardianship for her so that you can make decisions that she will have to comply with for her care, safety, and your well-being.
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