Follow
Share

Hospice was called in for my MIL and when my husbands 2 aunts came to him and said that hospice wanted to talk to him my husband said to me come on let's go. Well we started out the door and his aunt said no she only wants to talk to him. I was devastated because for one I am married to this man and two he didn't stand up for me. I felt kinda bad for feeling upset but my feelings was hurt. Well it ended up with him and his two aunts in the room with hospice. I was so angry at all of them. Was I wrong in being upset? I mean this is something I have to deal with as well as my husband. Her care involves both of us let alone we have kids together that are her grandkids.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Maddox, yes it may well be that your husband is and has been very deep in his grieving. and in that state we are most vulnerble and things do fly over our heads. His natural instinct seemed to have been to grab you up. His sisters intervened and maybe it was a just the mother and children moment. You know. If they had husbands they probably would have been ther with you. I think it would stress him at this time because I am sure he would never knowingly hurt you. Right now he needs you to be his support. You know we have to be strong for them sometimes.

Then it could have been an ugly way of the sisters which I have seen with my own loved ones if it was blatant disrespect I am sure he would not have allowed it if he could have seen it.

And of course you love him and his mother as well and you are mourning her demise also. And it could feel like being left out of a group hug. But I can rammble on and on. Just sounds like it was an intense an scary moment for the sibblings and they just reverted to just being sibblings. In any case think positive, or at least try not to see it as an intentional diss.
(1)
Report

I have a bunch of pictures from a large family party, including some we posed with my mom. Some have her and just her sons, some with sons and sons-in-law, some with just the daughters, some with all the girls, some with just the 7 adult children, and some that include in-laws.

Different configurations for different purposes doesn't mean that you "don't matter." Consider it like taking pictures. Just because you aren't in every single one of them doesn't mean you aren't a part of the family!
(1)
Report

No, my sister's MIL is declining, and she has already said she wants ONLY her children in the decision process, no in-laws at all. You are not alone.
(1)
Report

Thank you to everyone. Lots of insight and gives me some ease of the situation.
(0)
Report

Maddox, I know that this is a very difficult situation, but at this time, my suggestion is that you stand by your husband on this. It may be that his Mom only wished to speak with him privately, and that is OK, even though it hurts. When people are dying, they may just have private things to say, or it might have been about Financials, or even funeral arrangements that she wished to discuss, or even just very personal and emotional stuff regarding the Grandchildren, and how she wants to be remembered. There will probably still be times when you will be able to see her, and discuss delicate and emotional things with her, depending on your relationship you have with her.

Be the supportive wife that you are, and give him as much time, privately, that they need together, to allow her to get it all out, so that her wishes can be heard.

I'm so sorry you are facing a difficult time here, but if you can be the most supportive that you can be, it will be best for everyone involved. Good luck during this very difficult time.
(1)
Report

Maddox, I think the real question here is , is this tour husband's usual mo? Does he never stand up to relatives when you're involved, or was this a one off situation?
(2)
Report

Maybe they "Bite them..."
(0)
Report

Wondering if dogs even acknowledge "in-laws" in their pack of harmony, lol.
(0)
Report

Cesar Milan wrote this today, ABOUT DOGS.
"A dog's pack is his life force. The pack instinct is his primal instinct. His status in the pack is his self, his identity. The pack is all important to a dog because if anything threatens the pack's harmony, it threatens each individual dog's harmony."

How much different is the human experience?
(2)
Report

Perhaps you don't have a great relationship with your MIL and the aunts felt your presence could be upsetting? Just a stab in the dark--my MIL has never liked me, and after 40 years of marriage to her son, he has not ONCE stood up for me. Yes, it hurts me so bad, but I just have to deal with it. He is so rarely confrontational--he just won't.
In times of extreme stress with her health (just a couple over the years) I have been left completely out of the loop. I try not to take it personally. Just support your husband and put your own hurt feelings to the side for now. If she is now actively dying and in hospice, he will need your support emotionally, if not physically (meaning, you may likely not be asked to help care for her.) It's not about you, so don't make it be so. (I know, easily said, but it still hurts.)
(1)
Report

Maddox,
Personally, I prefer to hold my breath, as I am holding back tears, holding back my anger, thinking that somehow, this is going to get better-and it does-my perspective gets a little better if there is someone at the other end listening.
(1)
Report

Of course this is upsetting to you, and under extreme circumstances.
You have us now. Talk it over with the caregivers here who have gone through what you are experiencing.
Take care to slowly, express that hurt (which is anger turned inward).

Did your husband share what was said by hospice?

Breathe deeply, take 3 deep breaths, let each breath out slowly. (At least that is how it was described to me, this deep breathing.)

Of course you know this is not about you, that life and death decisions are being addressed by immediate family. However, don't let that give you doubt or guilt for feeling upset and having your own feelings. You will have these feelings, let them out here, safely, as you become supercaregiver by supporting your husband through this difficult time for you both.
(2)
Report

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I'm still very angry at his aunts.
(0)
Report

Maddox, Under these circumstances everyone is very upset, and probably no one is thinking clearly. Your husband probably is extremely stressed and grieving his mom in advance, and you would be adding greatly to his stress if you express your anger to him. If I were you, I would do my best to keep my feelings of anger to myself.
(3)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.