I'm walking on eggshells and can't make an omlette!

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7/17/18 - I don't know if this the right topic/forum or not. Repost to the right one for me if you think it will help. ---Tonight was a beautiful night, 83 low no humidity and a light breeze, but other than that I had to call off work for the 2nd time this week due to no sleep for over 2 straight days, and lost a total of 28 hours pay. So far, I've been up since 7 pm Sat night when I went to make Mom dinner before I was supposed to go to work... and now it's 11:50 Mon night and she is still complaining! Yep, She's been up this entire time. She has 2 meds to help but I think; no I now Know; they need to be increased. One she takes 2X a day and the other is an additional sedative at night. It's like throwing a thimbleful of water on a fire. All this even after switching her coffee to decaf nearly a year ago; coffee is her water and it's about as strong too. I bought her a new coffee maker since she burnt the old Mr. Coffee up. It was an 8 cup unit and this new one is 12. She still uses the same small scooper with the new one and the coffee is weak but if I tell her it's decaf, she'll throw it out, if not all over the kitchen because I switched it on her without telling her. I have nearly stopped answering her questions because any I give, she'll turn inside out and start an argument, private or public.


There's another issue, she refuses to shower; to the point of arguing til she's red in the face; that she does not have to because she isn't active "like that" anymore. She washes daily but hasn't showered in 6 months! The last 2 weeks now, she is starting to have an odor. It's not like she's pee'd herself, just an underlying odor. Granted, some of her frustration is that she isn't independent anymore; which I can understand a little but that's how G'ma and G'pa were and never drove ; and she is frustrated about that BUT she won't go when I can take her....Ever! It's always when I have to go to sleep for work, 1p-7p everyday but Wed since I drive from 10p to 10a for work, or when I'm leaving for work and she wants to drop me off at work and take my car (that's an entire 5 hour argument in and of itself). She starts to argue and follows me out to my car hollering even outside.


Even tonight when I wanted to get away from her for a little while for a drive, she literally broke me because she's outside balling like a kid that "I don't give a crap and I treat her like a dog" and the neighbors were outside. Like I said, we're driving and it's 83 outside and she starts complaining to put on the heat and roll the windows up, yah like That's going to happen. We got back home and I'm so tired I'm shaking. I gave her a kiss and went upstairs to my place. Our family built the house in 1895, and she's pounding on the door crying and hollering for me to spend "just a few more min" with her, which ended up being another 3 hours. I still can't sleep since she won't stop complaining. I can hear her thru the floor. If I take a few steps, the floor will creak and she'll be pounding on the door in 2 sec or blow up my phone with VM. She can load it up, a max of 100, in 3 days. She doesn't stop til I answer. The Mom slippers are an old couch cushion cut up and glued to the bottom of my old tennis shoes. She says she's hard of hearing but the slightest creak form my floor and she'll hear that over her TV and start right away at me. I can't get anytime alone except when I'm in the shower, because I can't hear a thing...luckily.


A nursing home is out of the question for a couple of reasons. 1-She still owns the home and I can't get her to the lawyers to get it put in the will, which she Still has to get done, so it doesn't go to the state when she ends up getting committed. 2-Her S.S. is $20 above the cutoff for help. 3-She get $120/mo in her IRA. 4-The house is paid for. She is too combative and she will Not even entertain the idea of quitting smoking. My friend is a PDN and my exgf is a Dr of Psych and both said there's no options til she gets that 100 yard stare (Pray for ME) She says, and I have it memorized, that: "I'm not deaf, dumb, blind, stupid or senile and I want my dr. lic. back and my car too." She misplaced her lic. months ago and I told her after the 3rd time finding it for her I won't do it again, besides her GP and Neuro has medically pulled her lic. permanently. She refused to sell her car 6 yrs ago when our mech replaced the engine then the trans & the rack. He said the quad driver (1st gen e.f.i. computer) was shorting out and there's no replacing it. The car is in great shape for an 87 LeSabre w/83k on it, but she wouldn't and it luckily blew up in the driveway snapping 2 rods, putting a hole the block and frying the alt, ICM and coil packs. I'm losing friends left and right, even on FB, since I can't even get online; except for this; and I NEED to vent! I'm afraid I'll lose it before she will. I don't know, maybe this will help. Who knows but I sure don't. I don't even trust my own judgement most of the time anymore.

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A will is out of the question if Mom has ALZ/Dementia. She can no longer make informed decisions. If u don't have POA then its guardianship.
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Sonny, I agree with CTTN55. You have posted here before; long, rambling posts with litanies of Mom’s behavior. This is fine, of course. It’s what this board is for. But good people take time to give you suggestions and answers. Do you take advantage of any of them?

Be attentive to what we suggest. Mom needs to be in a facility. Consult with an Elder Law Attorney who specializes in Medicaid to help you figure out what your next step will be and how to go about putting their suggestions in place.
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Your mother could become Medicaid eligible. Anyone telling you that’s not possible is misleading you. This situation is unhealthy for both you and your mom and no amount of perceived future inheritance is worth the torment you’re both living in now. I hope you’ll look into your options for placing her in a home that can provide the care she needs.
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I see you posted 4 months ago. Did you take any of the suggestions that were given then?

So you don't want to lose the house. Does your state have the child caregiver exemption, so Medicaid won't take the house? At the very least, you must consult with an attorney. Your mother needs to be on Medicaid and in a facility, if you have any hope of getting your life back.

If there is no will, what happens if she were to die tomorrow? Do you and your 2 younger brothers all own the house? If they do NOTHING for your mother, why should they get even part of the house? YOU are doing the work of caregiving. How long has this been going on?
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