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My dad is 64 with a spinal cord injury he has had for 20 years now. He is not military. He does live in Colorado where through Medicaid you can hire your own health care workers instead of an agency. Sounds good but he can't find anyone who has a car, or is reliable. His one health care lady has left after back surgery. So he has no reliable help. He has nurses coming to tend his wounds on his heel. He keeps peeing his pants.


I went last weekend. I live 2 hrs away. I shop and make meals for the freezer. He also needs to move. Landlord wants to fix and sell the house. He told my dad last May. My dad can't find anything in his budget that he likes or has room for his stuff. I've talked till I'm blue. I've come up with realitic ideas like wheelchair-accessible apartments. He doesn't want to live in town or in an apartment. He has to have it his way.


Now he is 6 days again with no help so no bowel program. It's hard to look forward to the weekend because of the guilt I feel if I don't go. I'm really tired of him not taking care of himself. He tells me healthcare agencies are no good. He had one once. I have posted jobs at the nursing progran at the University. No luck. I tried talking to them first. It still doesn't help once they are around my dad.


He was hoping my brother would get paroled so he could come live with him and help him. My brother was denied. I'm glad because I don't want to see my brother fall back into old habits at dad's. Of course I'd like to see him well and free at some point. Dad only sees it from his point of view. I've talked with his case worker before and I've been told it's his choice. Nobody is forcing him to live like this.


My dad doesn't have a lot of money but still pays my brother's mortgage in Montana because he can't let go. I ask him to stop. I help where I can and buy him groceries, but I can't buy him a place or land to put a trailer on. He won't move closer to me because he will lose his state money. I'm just so tired of having the same convo with him. He is just getting worse. I firmly told him as I'm changing his pee-soaked sheets that he needs help. Oh, he knows and lights another cigarette.


I went away last weekend with my husband because we needed to, but not before my dad let me know he had in peed pants once again but he was glad I was getting away. Tonight when I called he hasn't had any help, no bowel program and is going to do it himself and get in the shower by himself. I say, "Why won't you get help? Why do you continue this way?" He says it's hard to find anyone. Too tired... If everyone hadn't screwed him... It's the same conversation every time. I say I love you; be careful. What the frick. I have work in the morning. Trying to process all of this and not get too down.

Beth, your resolve to pull back is admirable. But you are letting your emotions get the better of you. No one who answered here (and there are many of us) ever questioned your love for your dad. You can love your dad just fine and still stand up for yourself. You’ve said repeatedly that “he has to have his own way”. He’s not going to change. Not for you and not for anyone else. Give him some rope. Don’t be available to clean up his messes and solve his problems. When he demands you do something, think carefully and if it doesn’t fit in with your schedule, don’t do it. It won’t change him, but it will make it easier on you.
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I have pulled back. Landlord still wants him out but is working on basement first to give my dad more time. My dad still wants a place that is the same in the country and doesnt cost a lot and doesnt want to live in town. I haven't been down in a month. He hired back his homecare lady that has been with him for several years, but she can't work many hours. But I thought process since He had no help. He managed to drive to denver to check a mini van with his sister he hasn't seen in awhile but can't go to the store he told me. I called him out on that. I my weekends plan fall thru and now I feel like I should go down. I love and miss my dad but I'm so tired of his crazy. Do I stay away a little longer? Im torn.
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Thanks everyone. It helps a lot to talk it out. I put my husband and sons first, but I try and be there for my family. Sometimes it's hard to see someone you care about live the way they do its heart sad. I've learned and try to keep boundaries and will continue to do that. I told was we would only move what was needed, bed, supplies, clothes, but not old projects to his storage shed. I've suggested depends. Nope. It's his way. So I try not to let it effect me that he is in soiled pants. It just drives me mad sometimes. Thx again for all your thoughts and advice! I appreciate all of you!!
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Smilebeth, so sorry this is still going on. When is the landlord insisting he leave? Sounds like that will force the issue. If you keep to sensible boundaries, maybe it will force him to make the changes he needs to make.
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First, he needs depends pullups.

There is nothing you can do. He is capable of making his own decisions. He will do something when he has to. Landlord gave enough time to find himself a new place. Next thing is eviction.
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I’m glad you’re concerned about your dad. He’s blessed to have a daughter who cares. But he’s also clearly using you and very accustomed to having things his way, even though it’s not working at all. You know the old saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You’ll never see different and better results for your dad until you stop playing his game. No way you need to be buying him groceries while he’s paying the mortgage elsewhere! No way he’s in any position to be so picky about where he moves! Of course a handicapped accessible apartment makes sense. Please do both him and yourself a favor and realistically see that your help isn’t helping, it’s enabling him to drag out his bad choices. Time for dad to grow up, you’ll have a better, more normal relationship with him, and your husband too, if you change this unhealthy dynamic now. Best wishes to you as you move forward
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Caring doesn't mean jumping to their tune. If that's what he tries to make you believe, that is just manipulation.

I don't know, personally I think that we all loose the right to complain when we don't do all we can for our own situation, of course we all need to vent, but digging your heals in, running helpers off and being a PITA just because you want to, well that's a different story.

Your brothers have washed their hands because being Male, they have a better insight about what is really going on. Maybe taking a queue from them would get things moving in a better direction for all involved.

I had to tell my dad, you can do what ever you can pull off. He is doing soooooo much better and our relationship has improved. I am not his woman as you are not your dads, but that's the role he is putting you in. Time to reevaluate what you are willing to do based on his willingness to do. Know what I mean?

Hugs 2 u, not an easy place to be, forsure.
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Beth, of course you love your dad. But he is being the puppeteer and you are his marionettes. As long as he is controlling the strings, you’ll move in his direction. Cut the strings.

He is from the era that The Man ran The Show. Step back and let him realize that he needs a co-producer now and you’re willing to help, but he has to meet you halfway. As long as you keep letting him be in control and solve all his problems for him, nothing will change. The ball is in your court and you need to set boundaries and rules. Sit down with your husband and decide what you will do for Dad and not do and where you will draw the line and then stick to your resolve. Dad sure won’t like it, but you need to stick to it. If you do nothing and continue on this way, nothing will change. Don’t let him intimidate you any more. Up to you.
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Thanks I try really hard to keep boundaries and only take on what I can emotionally. It's just sometimes I wonder between caring and not caring. My brothers just write him off. I get close, but I love him and try to have patience and not leave him alone completely. Just hard ya know?
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Nope, his way or no way. Hasn't this been the status quo for him? Sometimes help is not helpful. You may need to withdraw, stop taking his manipulative phone calls, stop cooking or providing any financial assistance for him to finally wake up, if he doesn't it's his choice. You did not injure him and you can't enable him any longer. You are married and I assume you want a family of your own, so time for your dad to face his reality.

I am sorry you have so much guilt, parents can be really good at playing that card. I hope you and your husband can establish some boundaries and stick to them no matter how loud he cries over wet pants and no bm. Pain can be a great teacher and he needs to learn that he needs to make some compromises because he is not in charge of you any longer.

Good look.
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You and your husband are really trying so hard to help this man. Trouble is, he only wants help on his terms, which frankly are not possible. As long as he is legally competent, there is not much you can do. Perhaps if he is homeless, then he will be willing to listen. Frankly, this is off topic, but there is a HUGE and growing need for unskilled immigrants who would consider caregiver jobs to be a big improvement in their lives. With our "native" birthrate falling to below replacement, something will have to be done. So why not now?
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