I’m shaking. I’m crying. Hard to express into words. My doctor is sending me to a heart specialist on the 13th. I don’t want to even go to the appointment. It all catches up to us sometimes. I have been so strong, a warrior because ever since I was a little girl I have had to be even when I was scared and confused with no one to talk to.
I’m so tired of stirrers in my family who stir up mom when I have done everything in the world for her! When is it ever enough? I’m not a machine. I’m only a human being. I know life isn’t fair but I just want peace and harmony in my family. It’s all I have ever wanted. I’m tired of feeling like the after thought, the one who was always expected to do everything while others did their own thing, screwed up tremendously and I am treated like I fall short! Seriously!
So tired of complaining or trying to explain things that I get myself more depressed. Holding it inside doesn’t work either.
I am even starting to feel like I will be a burden to all of you and I know that all of you care in my heart but I have been conditioned to believe that I don’t have a right to complain. They do but I don’t.
This isn’t a pity party. I’m just so freakin worn out. I never imagined my life this way. Please don’t criticize me because I think I will break into a million pieces and that’s hard for me to admit because I have always had to be the strong one.
I simply can’t apologize anymore for being right. I just can’t. What do I do when my feelings don’t matter? Only theirs? My therapist once described this as gaslighting from family members. I keep trying but today I feel so lost. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m lonely.
When I first left home and got away it was the first time I realized how dysfunctional my family truly was.
My friends tried to tell me but I never knew anything else. I packed the little stuff I had and took off. It was the first time I felt free. Life went on. Wasn’t always easy but I was happy. Now I feel like that trapped little girl again confused and a bit scared.
Sorry for the depressing post. Sorry I can’t go into detail right now. I guess I don’t want to relive it at the moment. Maybe later.
Thanks for being here for me. I want to fight being negative. It has drained me being around so much negativity. I don’t want it to be contagious. A certain amount does rub off on me and I hate that. I have heard psychologists say that is fairly common but I want to fight that every step of the way.
I went to Catholic schools and you didn’t misbehave. But I remember thinking if I wanted the attention in my family then I would have to be bad like my brother because he got all of the attention. I didn’t want to be bad because even as a child I was intuitive enough to see his misery. At least I did not follow in his footsteps.
I wasn’t perfect. We all made our own mistakes but the irony of it all is that I didn’t fall into a trap like he did because I witnessed the hell first hand of what he went through.
I guess everyone will think I am super screwed up. So what’s new? Will I ever find peace? I hope so. I can’t lose hope.
I guess at some point I will bounce back. I always do. I know I am a survivor but I want more than that. I want peace. I want joy in my life again.
I’m tired. I’m so damn tired. I feel older than my mom! I know 63 isn’t young but I feel like I am 100 years old.