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I'll be the first to admit that caregiving is NOT my strong suit. I didn't ASK to do it, and due to my Dad's bad decisions, I've been stuck with the task with a VERY resentful heart. However, I do my best to insure that he has the best care - much to my own detriment.

Anywho, I never know when to intervene when Dad gets on his rants or when to chalk it up as him being a grumpy old man with dementia.

Dad goes to an Adult Day Center a couple days a week and part of their service includes a less-than-professional driver. In his defense, he could command double the rate the VA pays him to transport the vets, but I don't think that's an excuse for his lack of professionalism.

Over the past two years, Dad has complained (much of which I brushed off) about this man "yelling" at him or "not helping him," etc. I know that Dad can exaggerate things, but I have had personal experience with this guy and on more than one occasion he's promised to pick Dad up and never showed up, come over an hour early to pick up Dad (and Dad feels rushed), or most recently, sent me a text at 4:30 in the morning to let me know he would not be picking up Dad THE SAME DAY due to his son's graduation. So... he didn't know in advance his son was graduating?

So, after this last incident, I called the VA coordinator and NICELY made her aware of my concerns. True to protocol, she called the driver and the director of the Adult Day Center (who I've made aware of these issues SEVERAL times and asked him to intervene) to get additional info.

Well, she just called me back and gave me this whole speech about how "hard it is" for this driver. How the driver was "just trying to be a good dad and had to choose between work and his kid because he can't find any reliable drivers to help..." She further encouraged me to talk to the driver directly to get a better understanding of who he is because he was "so nice" on the phone. Her final recommendation: don't get caught up in your Dad's exaggerations....

OK... am I being sensitive here? I didn't call and yell. I wasn't ugly about anything. I just asked the lady to check into my story. Did I mention that she stated that this wasn't the first time she got complaints about this driver, but no one else is willing to drive for the VA reimbursement rate,

Wait, she did suggest that I move Dad to another facility with better transportation options. GREAT! I'll uproot a dementia patient and take him away from his friends to make up for the rude driver!!!

My blood is boiling right now. I never know when to intervene or just pass Dad off as a grumpy old man. Yes, he exaggerates and I can normally read through that, but I FEEL like there's this perception of me that I'm a B**TCH.


So am I being a helicopter daughter? Where's the line?

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I understand we must be mindful and tolerant of many things but for goodness sake don't let them guilt you into thinking this driver's behavior was acceptable or that you should accept it because the VA doesn't want to rock the boat & maybe lose a decent driver as  the VA pays less? That's justification for your dad to be inconvenienced so frequently? Nope, don't buy it.
You aren't being a "b*tch". You are simply watching out for your dad's well being.
Does his supervisor (the driver's) know the driver texts you at 4:30am?
I hope things sort out soon for you and your dad for his sake.
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Use Uber, it is very cheap. Send them a bill.
I just hate how that lady was condescending towards you.
What did you need her for...you could have heard his sob story from him directly. People were counting on him, he let them down. He may not need to be fired, and I am sure you weren't calling for that reason. Everybody can use a little reminder about shaping up their job performance! You were justified to add your voice to others who have complained. imo.
My therapist said people are different now than in years past as far as customer service goes. He recommended to see them as stupid and uncaring. Well, I thought about it, and told him I cannot be happy viewing others that way, but his validation that I was justifiably upset about being treated so poorly helped, actually helped put it into a different perspective. I haven't felt as upset about it, knowing it was not just me experiencing these things.

A long time ago, my psychiatrist actually instructed me in ways to become a b*tch as I was being walked on. He recommended to study the ladies in the South, how they did it with such class when it is necessary. He said that sometimes, being nice is not nice. I can't explain it very well. But sometimes, you just may have to be one!
But, Tinyblu, on behalf of your father's welfare, be proud if you can ever pull off being a b*tch. Good job, but you were not a real b*tch this time, or you would not be feeling bad about yourself right now.
That poor explanation the lady gave you makes her look bad, not you!
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Use Uber, it is very cheap. Send them a bill.
I just hate how that lady was condescending towards you.
What did you need her for...you could have heard his sob story from him directly. People were counting on him, he let them down. He may not need to be fired, and I am sure you weren't calling for that reason. Everybody can use a little reminder about shaping up their job performance! You were justified to add your voice to others who have complained. imo.
My therapist said people are different now than in years past as far as customer service goes. He recommended to see them as stupid and uncaring. Well, I thought about it, and told him I cannot be happy viewing others that way, but his validation that I was justifiably upset about being treated so poorly helped, actually helped put it into a different perspective. I haven't felt as upset about it, knowing it was not just me experiencing these things.

A long time ago, my psychiatrist actually instructed me in ways to become a b*tch as I was being walked on. He recommended to study the ladies in the South, how they did it with such class when it is necessary. He said that sometimes, being nice is not nice. I can't explain it very well. But sometimes, you just may have to be one!
But, Tinyblu, on behalf of your father's welfare, be proud if you can ever pull off being a b*tch. Good job, but you were not a real b*tch this time, or you would not be feeling bad about yourself right now.
That poor explanation the lady gave you makes her look bad, not you!
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If it is hard-pressed to find other drivers, then unfortunately you're stuck with him which is why the VA coordinator asked for you to try to see his side. Though he may deserve to be fired, it just may be hard to do so because of corporate policies. Probably the only way he'll get fired if he's convicted a crime, meaning it has to be very, very serious to let this driver go. That fact the she said to you to not get wrapped up in your father's exaggerations is a clear sign she's NOT on your side.

No, you're not a b*tch. You love your father. But you know that saying "know when to pick your battles..." If you don't have the support of corporate on your side, then your anger and stress will just get to you and then you'll be the one suffering...and for what...for this loser a** of a driver who isn't even your family? If your father loves his friends at the daycare center, then you'll need to accept this lousy piece of sh*t driver - only for the love  and happyness of your father. Otherwise, you can look into another center - but can your father handle the stress of adjusting to a new place while trying to make new friends?

I'm so d*mn proud to have been a helicopter daughter to my deceased father and now to my disabled mother. :-) They had a h*ll of a lot better quality of life under my eyes.
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I was lucky, Mom's daycare gave bus transportation. Maybe looking for a new daycare is a good idea if you can't depend on this driver. Sorry, but when you have a job it comes first. An occasional thing is one thing and not calling is just rude. You r not a B*tch.
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Tiny, breathe deeply. You are NOT being perceived as a b1tch. The lady is giving you feedback about the realities in the ground.

You are entitled to ask questions. Your only job is to be your dad's advocate.
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I always look into things regarding my Mom the same way, I just ask them to check on it since I'm never sure if Mom's version is accurate or not. Chances are that the story is somewhere in between your Dad's version and "nothing is wrong at all." But I totally relate to your frustration. It's hard enough speaking up for them, just to be sloughed off. AND ANYWAY, who cares if they think you are a Btch? You acted just fine and reasonably, you know you weren't acting any other way. Some day you might have to be a Btch to be heard, and that will be OK too. You gotta do what you gotta do.
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