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When Mom came to live with me I was lost, hurt, alone and very afraid. I started googling her symptoms and looking for answers. I was desperate. I came across questions like mine and answers from ppl on this site. I was amazed at the knowledge, compassion and identification I found here. I was addicted to this site!

I read for weeks, literally day and night, before I finally got up the nerve to ask for help.

I did not mind being open and honest with my Mom's plight. I felt you would understand what she AND I were facing. And thankfully you did. The response was amazing. I thought, thank God for this site and these wonderful ppl.

I stuck around as I dealt with Mom because I felt safe here. No longer alone. You felt like a LifeLine as Mom got worse. I needed you.

As I continued to read questions, I realized I had something to offer. I did not give advice on things I had no experience with. It felt good to be able to give back and help the next person reaching out. AA teaches us this. However, I started to notice when a regular member would answer first, the rest of the regulars would conform and follow suit..... don't do it....do it.....leave him....call the authorities...on and on.

I didn't think much about it, but gave my suggestions from my own way of thinking. My individual experiences and out comes. What I've been taught and what ive struggled with & already worked through.

I was humbly forced to back up my comments and prove I've experienced my advice. When I did ....lay it all out, I figured I was doing it in a safe place, with understanding ppl....Like in a no judgement zone. That was a joke.

I guess there's a dominating clique in every group. Ppl feel possessive of a place and claim it as their own. No room for differing thoughts, Opposing views.

Open mindedness is a valuable asset, as it keeps me learning and growing. Shunning only shows insecurities. It's glaringly obvious any love and support here is extremely conditional. That's pretty sad.

I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Cherry picking at it's finest. Don't use God to try to make yourself look like your something your not. Giving a blessing is 💯 percent about the other person. Not thrown around to glorify your image. If it came from the heart, you'd heed His other teachings.

*There is no blessing in being good to ppl you like. No, the blessing comes in being good to those you do not like.* "Or"
*What you do on to the least of you, you do on to me.*

Being a good person is NOT always easy. If it's easy we're not doing it right.

Well, I did not come here to conform. I came to get help and hopefully help others. If that has cause *the clique* to turn their backs on me, when I'm asking for help, feeling my heart's being crushed....then there it is. Actions ALWAYS speak louder then words. Ppl will rarely remember what we said, but always remember what we did.

I do not want or need any phoney justificatory comments. I just needed to say, you read like an open book.

God Bless And may peace be with you.
Pepsee

Find Care & Housing
Hi Pepsee....I just read this post for the first time. (amazing as I am gradually reading all the posts). I hope things have settled down for you and you have found some peace. Caregiving is such a rollercoaster of emotion. (I have found out the hard way the last few months)

I post usually on something that I have lived through be it now or something that happened to me in the past (in my 30's Mom used to tell me I had lived the life of a 70 year old...smile). I am a what you see is what you get type of person and I hope I have never come across as judgmental or insincere to you or anyone here on the forum. I care but I know that, being human, I may come across in the wrong way and if so I hope someone asks me to clarify what I said.

I did not see why you need to apologize. There are a wonderful bunch of people on this site (I know I say it a lot but it is sooo true). I am fairly new having joined this forum a few months ago, though my situation with my honey has not changed an extreme amount the thoughts, suggestions and shoulders to cry on definitely saved my life. I am still struggling with anxiety attacks but am holding strong on the boundaries with my honey. I could not have done this if not for this forum. I have not seen the "clicks" that you talk about so I can't respond on that part.

You have a hard row to hoe (as the old saying goes) ahead of you though you already have been through so much. Please keep us posted. And don't hesitate to post to vent, ask for advice or just need a shoulder to cry on.

Take care and I do agree with Tacy... you should start a thread about your hospice experience. I may not post on it as other than with my Mom and Dad I have not experienced it. Back when Mom and Dad needed hospice they did not have it like they do today or maybe it was called something else.
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Hugs Pepsee 💜
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This discussion has been bothering me for a couple days. I do not understand why Pepsee needed to validate her opinion. I 100 percent agree with her original post without her having to sugarcoat her feelings. The religious thing doesnt bother me because I am not religious so I consider it just a form of expression.

I remember the time Rainmom got flamed. It was by Jude (I really miss her on the board). Right after that someone did it right back to Jude. I posted essentially the same thing Pepsee has now because I was bothered by how the two of them were treated . They were two peoples opinions that I completely respected and they were both silent. The ringleader of the clique went to "her" threads and bashed me beyond belief and had my thread taken down because she thought it was about her and it wasn't. I have left this forum several times because of that one person.

Pepsee, I think you should start a thread on your hospice experience. I will not post on it because the hospice experience was to tramatic for me to relive but others will support you on the journey.
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Pepsee,
I am so sorry for the anguish that you are feeling regarding your Mom. This is definitely one of the hardest things in life to go through. I truly will be praying for you and your Mom. This is rough. Rely on God as you already know HIS strength.
It was kind of you to explain your post, but it is truly ok. You have way more important things to deal with, and my heart goes out to you.
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Pepsee, I'm in agreement with the above comments. People of faith, no matter what that faith may be are imperfect human beings. Unfortunately when you are known as a Christian, Buddist..........whatever you are, people watch your actions more carefully. So if a person is saying God Bless You one moment and then saying screw off the next that doesn't necessarily make them a hypocrite, just human I guess.

I'm sorry if I came back at you harshly, but I have imperfections just like everyone does. We are all works in process right?

I'm sorry for the sadness you are feeling right now. I've been there. Most of us on here have or are going to eventually. Keep posting and if you see me on here God Blessing someone one day and telling someone tough sh*t the next, it's just cause I'm human.
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Pepsee, anger at the world during traumatic times is very understandable. My mom left me mentally 4 years before she left physically. I am an only child and my mom was always the boss. It was so hard to hear her babbling and hallucinating. My husband’s health took a nosedive at the same time. Especially on bad days like today and yesterday when hubby had diarrhea that left him with a horrific rash, I just spend the day asking “why me?” And “what did I do to deserve this”.

The problem with writing things down for others to read is that others read only the words and can’t hear the emotions or sentiments behind them. We don’t live in your house with you nor you with us. We take each other at our word(s) and I guess sometimes those words can be misunderstood.

No matter what, we will always be here for you and everyone else.
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Pepsee,
I'm so sorry to hear of your mother having to go on hospice. It sounds like you had high hopes for her recovery. You certainly are her best advocate. I'm sure you are filled with sadness and hopelessness. Often we misdirect our feelings in times of stress because we don't know how to process them.

If I may give a suggestion, it's better to write too much and explain yourself than not write enough and leave people to figure out what you meant. I always re-read my posts before posting them. [Doing that right now ;)] 
You have some real valuable thoughts and opinions but you need to explain yourself and give a bit of background. We have a window into your life that you've given us. The more we know Pepsee, the more we'll understand how and why you post certain opinions. It's good to address a problem you have with a 'particular' person in a private chat.

Everyone's situation is different. Some posters need reassurance, some need a boot in the butt to get motivated to change their situation. So, sometimes those of us who use religious sentiments for one poster may lambaste another poster for asking for help then not taking the suggestions from people who have 'been there and done that'. They keep whining but don't seem to want to do anything about it. That frustrates most of us because we take a lot of time to think and write out answers, only to feel like we've been spinning our wheels. Often posters will give a "knee-jerk" response. 

Blessings should be for EVERYBODY who comes on this site looking for help. Most people are hurting in some way.
There's one thread I'm following where the person seems to remain in the same (very unfortunate) situation, even with many good suggestions to change things. Fortunately, she clarified a few details as the thread goes on. 

It's a lot easier to make suggestions if posters would give history, background on the problem and what they've tried to fix it. Some board members post "heated" comments when the person seems to be mistreated, especially if THEY have been mistreated themselves.

I believe, in the upcoming days, you will need the support of many here who have experienced the pain you now have with your sick mother. So I'm glad you're sticking around. So am I, because I need the support of this board with my mother also.

Please take EACH post as what was meant from the person posting. Don't cross reference what they say on a different post. I can be happy one minute and be a bear the next (just ask my hubby!).

I hope you find hospice to be helpful. They will bring many items to make your mother more comfortable. They usually are available 24/7, so if you have questions or can't cope at any time, give them a call. There are a couple (few) of us hospice nurses on the board who might be able to help you navigate the system. You won't be going through this alone.

May God bless you and your mom on her journey. (I really mean it.) :)
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Amen, cwillie!!!

I use to tell my managers that - back in the day when I was still a working stiff.

Dont give “corrective feedback” in broad or general terms. The “offending” person almost never recognizes themselves as the culprit.
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Pepsee, I'm sorry you feel the need to apologize for your rant, but I agree with you that it was lacking in detail. Next time you want to call someone out just go ahead and do it, beating around the bush just gets everyone second guessing what they've said and seldom reaches the targeted audience because they are generally either self righteous or oblivious. (Just my humble opinion)
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Pepsee sent you a little message.
Take care
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Pepsee, I have to disagree about a real Christian doesn't do that, scripture talks about righteous anger. So you see, I can Bless one unknown person and blast another post of an unknown person and be a genuine Christian. Scripture also tells us not to judge one another. You are scared and striking out. That's okay, we all have done it. Please, do not base all Christian beliefs on 12 step alone, there is a whole big Bible book full of Gods words and promises. May He give you strength in this trying journey you are walking.
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Thank you ALL for your thoughts. Just knowing others have been where I've been and seen what I've seen, is a major relief. Your kind words of support, encouragement and understanding mean the world to me right now.

I do NOT take any offence with ppl offering blessings. How could I, when God has remove my obsession for alcohol? Almost Every step in the 12 steps of AA, are based on God, with the exception of step 1.

This post was a mistake as I was way too broad in my comments. Which made so many truly caring ppl feel their heartfelt comments, on this site, where seen as offensive and/or sincerity questionable. I deeply apologize for that. You didn't deserve my rant. Actually I should have kept my mouth shut, period.

But since I opened the flood gates, let me explain....

What I do find offensive is when someone gives a blessing in one post and blasts someone else in another, without provocative. That's why I used the scripture. Real God fearing folks do NOT pick and choose when to play the God card, and who is "worthy" of their blessings. It's so obvious it's based on whether they like the person or not. So that shows me, the God card is just an image builder, it's not who one truly is.

But I am just one person, and my observations miniscule, in the grand scheme of this site. So if it don't Apply, let it Fly.😉

Again,This post was a mistake. I've become an emotionally basketcase. All the plans we had for my Mother's recovery are now, out the window. She's going on hospice, and I'm devastated. I never felt what I'm feeling now, and I misdirected my anguish. I focused on the little BS here, instead of the real feelings I'm experiencing. I forget, when I point the finger at others, there are three pointing back at me.👉
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Once my mind is made up, just like the others here, there's no flip flopping. I'm still lost, hurt, and learning as I go. All I can do is keep reading.
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Pepsee, I've never read a dissenting word on here towards you. Maybe, I missed something? but I guess I'm an old-timer on here now. I've always spoken honestly and from the heart. Quite often I've had people disagree with me. Such is life.................I will still continue to post whats in my heart and if people disagree, so be it. There are plenty of people on here who have agreed and so I'll continue on in my own way and with my own words. And I don't think anyone on here who hasn't intentionally insulted you owes you an apology either. Suck it up Buttercup.

I have to disagree with you though. I think most people on here who believe in God sincerely mean it when they say God Bless you and you are in my prayers. I don't wear my belief on my sleeve but I'm not going to censor myself now or in the future if I feel like saying God Bless you to someone. If it bothers you tough sh*t.
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Well, leave it to me to be the dissenter here.

I can't say that you are attacking MY posts personally because my name isn't on it but I DO often tell a person "God bless you." (and really mean it, by the way), so I guess I qualify for the label "phoney". That is personally offensive. It MEANS something to me to say (write) it and also when someone says (types) it to me. It's sad that it offends you. I actually say a prayer right at the computer when I tell them I will pray for them. I am not "using" God to be something I'm not. I believe what I say and I will NOT apologize for what I've said.

This is your comment;
"I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes. Cherry picking at it's finest. Don't use God to try to make yourself look like your something your not. Giving a blessing is 💯 percent about the other person. Not thrown around to glorify your image. If it came from the heart, you'd heed His other teachings."
Then you ended your post with;
God Bless And may peace be with you.
Pepsi

What's with that? Didn't you just call that "phoney"?

You posted, "I really get a kick out of the phoney " God bless you" comments and biblical quotes."
Yet you "biblically quoted" Matthew 25:40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
What's with that? We can't but you can?

I just commented to a man's post who's wife is dying. I brought up the afterlife (Heaven or whatever he believed) as a point of hope. I didn't choke it down his throat. I was trying to comfort him. He could respond, which he did-with faith in God. He could have just ignored the post or gotten mad at me. I took the gamble that what I wrote would be of some assistance to his mental state. I have held the hand of many a dying patient and prayed with some of them too. I suppose that you think was fake also?

Usually I don't discuss "religion" but, in forums such as this, with pain and suffering all about us, SOME people may be comforted by these words. If you don't agree with a sentiment, disregard it but don't tell me I'm phoney.

Unspoken thoughts, that are conveyed in typed words, are often difficult to get the "feel" of what the poster wanted to convey. I certainly got your message.

I am not condemning you for your opinion, even though I don't share it. This forum has been immensely helpful. However, I'm going to take a break from the site for awhile, as I may be one of the "possessive" posters in the "clique". I need to re-examine my style of writing and what I say.
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Pepsee, I’m sorry you’ve had a problem. I enjoy your posts and comments. I hope you stick around. I think you have a lot to contribute with your experiences.
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Pepsee, I am not sure what is going on, but I always have appreciated your posts.
I would like to say that when I mention scripture or God, it is not something I say or talk about in passing, He is my life and I try to live as he wants me to. I mean it when I say I will be praying for someone, because I do it faithfully.
But, I cannot speak without speaking of God, because I cannot seperate Him out of my life at will, it is either all or nothing. I am sorry if someone has offended you. And I do hope you keep posting.
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I got beat up a few times too. Some posters here are known for those shenanigans. When I see it I usually send the victim a heads up personal message to let the newbie know. Then the poster also gets a PM which is not so nice. Some just tend to forget what this forum is for. Support, regardless of decisions made, it is not a contest to see who gives the best advice or offers the best ideas. Some treat it that way and get offended when different decisions are made. We have all walked in caregiver shoes but there is only one right answer and that is the one that the caregiver makes for their unique situation.
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Again Pepsee, I am with you. I still am having my issues, and they aren't pleasant for sure, and usually not related to my MIL. I have been accused by my daughter that "I hate her" meaning my MIL, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. The disease, a different story.

I took offense to the post about why new carers didn't take the advice of the more experienced, something to that nature. I tend to just type, instead of mulling it over for a bit. Such as now. First, how do they know we haven't taken the advice...

Anyway, I wanted to say that you bring a fresh perspective and I TRULY APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE AND BEING THE PERSON YOU ARE!
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Pepsee,

Just a few thoughts. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I don't follow every thread, and I'm not sure which discussion or discussions you were referring to, but this group as a whole is kind, sympathetic, and willing to offer suggestions when help is asked for. That being said, a whole lot of emotion comes into play during these discussions and sometimes unintended triggering and hurt feelings result. When people correspond in a written form, we don't have the benefit of seeing each other's expressions or hearing the inflection of tone in our voices. Maybe it's better to extend the benefit of the doubt. If anyone really does get snarky, we can always ignore them, right?

In regard to religious remarks, platitudes, scripture quoting, etc, I don't generally use those here, even though I am a spiritual person. If I make a reference to God, it's only because I see and interpret the world through a lens of Christian thought and feeling. When I or someone else says "God bless you," it's generally meant as a sincere expression of good will, i.e. "may good things come your way" and not an imposition of one's religion. You might consider taking it in that spirit, or not.

Again, I do enjoy your posts and I'm glad you mean to "stay." Wishing you the best!
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Pepsee! I don’t know what has happened but it seems like you’ve received some criticism! And judgement. I’m so sorry! I enjoy your posts, you are kind and helpful to others all while taking care of your mom. Bit hypocritical of me to say this as I have lashed out a time or two on my own threads & didn’t think before I spoke but I really wish more people here would think before they speak. Many of us are vulnerable and looking for support and encouragement, not judgement and snark. As far as the religious comments, yes it seems some are snarky and say “god bless you” in an ill-manner but I think most here bring up religious with only good intentions. Anyway I am glad you aren’t leaving :)
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pamzimmrrts reply made me reflect on my first “flaming”.

The charge was headed by a prominent “old timer” and in the flick of a Bic EVERYONE was pig piling on me - handing me my azz.

My favorite roasting was done by someone who blamed me for the annoying alerts she was getting for the new replies - when in fact I had stopped posted for at least a day and the alerts were for “clique members” who were continuing to have a go at me.

I was devastated. In fact, I went radio silent for a few months while I licked my wounds and pondered if I should continue to come here to AgingCare.

That was nearly three years ago and as you can see - I’m still here, too.

Ive had my azz handed to me a couple of times since that first time but I’ve toughened up a bit and it doesn’t really bother me much anymore. I think it’s the price one pays when they’re a free thinker and see the value in being a straight shooter.

These days im not posting nearly as much as I use to but it’s more from trying to distance myself from my bad memories of my caregiving years than anything having to do with the folks here.

Bottom line - there are some wonderful, caring, giving people here who really are in it to help and give back. And bottom line - I honestly feel this site saved my charbroiled azz and my sanity. I don’t think I would have survived those last couple- really tough caregiving years without having this place - and these folks - to turn to.

Hang in there - it’s worth it.
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Pepsee - I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of judgmental comments. I've been on this site several years now, and I'm not aware of any clique. Am I in it? I have no idea...

I think people do tend to echo one another when they agree with an earlier poster, because it's a lot easier than repeating the same idea in different words. I know I do. I can't think of a single poster I agree with all the time though. I have exchanged unpleasant words with a few people here, but not any of the regulars, that I can recall.

Anyway, I'm sorry if anyone here has offended you, and I'm happy you're not leaving.
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"Nobody puts Wally in a corner!" You use paragraphs and punctuation..your good in my book,, so go ahead and post your question some day. We may surprise you in a good way.
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for some reason (haha just not brainy!) I can never write an answer on here and make it sound "good". if I tried to do that I would spend all day on one response. this is not directed at original poster. or at anyone in particular - I try in my own way to only tell my story and I know I probably sound juvenile and im 59 years old.
I do know that I am just a regular ol person, keeping my self out of trouble.

I was really scared to post here. I originally came to ask a question. but I haven't done it yet. I have no idea if anything I post helps anyone. I am no expert on anything.

sometimes if I read someones post. I may interpret it very different than someone else. that's just how I am. I don't ever seem to be on the same channel....ive always kinda been like that. im very serious/responsible person. but at the same time kinda goofy. so if someone wants to correct me or put me in the corner, that's ok. :)
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Pepsee,, My own religious bent is "my own", shall we say.. But I do sometimes says prayers are with you,, and I mean good thoughts and wishes perhaps. As for the Clique type things..when I was new on here I got "flamed" several times by an "expert",, really got my inexperienced feeling hurt a few times. But I hung in there,, and I am so glad I did. There are some really wonderful folks on here, and I value and trust many of them. I often post after a long hard day at work, and sometimes I may be more blunt than I mean to be.. Please stay! Young blood is good blood!!
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Pepsee, I like your open and honest approach, and hopefully I haven't hurt you feelings in my posts, as I certainly would never intend to hurt anyone!

I know that I have ended my posts with a "God Bless", but only because I felt the poster needed a little boost. Please don't take that as a sign of forcing my religious beliefs on anyone, it's only showing that I care.

Us old timer's aren't in a clique perse', as we are just as anonymous as the next one, but sometimes our answers do become repetitive, as the shoe fits, as we have learned through trial and error, that these methods are the ones that Generally work best, so you might often hear the same answer.

I do try, to only share my own point of view, on those subjects that I have some knowledge of, unfortunately I have seen 4 parents to the grave, and have been involved in all of their care, their diagnosis all completely different of one another.

Sometimes I feel my time here has come to an end, and yet because of the community of caring that I received when I needed it the most, I keep coming back, to see how my cyber friends are doing, and to see if I can offer a newbie, some sage advice.

Please, never leave, as you have great instincts as a carer, and you offer a fresh approach and great advice, from what I've read so far! You take care!
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Oh and thank you for posting how you are feeling.
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Gladimhere, I feel the same way. I feel I have faith but I don't wear it on my sleeve. To those who are more open I smile and say thankyou.

Pepsee, so sorry. I have seen some posts lately that have been a little judgemental to some posters. I have learn that there are a few who say it like it is. I figure thats their personalities coming thru. Its really hard to write posts and hope you don't offend anyone. I have not noticed anyone being judgemental to you but then I read a lot of posts. Again, sorry if I or anyone has offended you,
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Pepsee, if I personally have ever said anything to offend you I apologize. I have occasionally said “God bless you” to posters and never assumed it would seem insincere (because it wasn’t intended that way) it’s just a way of saying I care.

There are people on this board who’ve been here for 5 years or more. If we’re in a “clique”, it’s certainly not one we opted into. We share this difficult and stressful job of caregiving for our loved one’s. We all have different experiences that we share and share what worked for us to possibly help someone else. For myself, my husband is bedridden. I do all but feed him. I would certainly rather be living the life of the Seniors in the television ads, nice clothes, perfect hair and make-up, big house, lunches with friends, cruises, flea markets...but that wasn’t in my cards. If I have helped even one poster with my experiences and advice, I’m satisfied. But, if I have ever insulted or hurt one, I’m devastated. 

To my knowledge, Pepsee, no one has asked you to leave and no one expects you to. If you’re having a particularly stressful time, well, I’ll keep you close in my thoughts.
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