I have enough of my own issues to deal with that I'm trying to keep from going from merely anxiety attacks to full blown panic attacks. Tonight when it was bed time, mom just wouldn't go. So it ended up being a 2 hour endeavor. Which really made me feel like I was going to lose it. Showing outwardly how I was about to lose it wouldn't have helped. Since that would only have made the whole situation worse. So I had to act outwardly calm while I was screaming on the inside. It's especially frustrating when I have to deal with outside people right there and then and they just don't care. It's not like they don't understand. They do. They just don't care. It's killing me.

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tornadojan: Do I know you? Yes, I am sure at one point or another, we've all "lost it." There is only one perfect person, Jesus. We are not perfect.

Matthew 5:48
"Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
The mortal can never be perfection.

Just chiming in to say that just about all of us have "lost it" at one time or another. I have "lost it" more than once. Sometimes I feel like a fraud or an actor when I continue to speak in calming tones while raging on the inside. Everyone here is right when they say to lower expectations and pick your battles. You really need to do that. If it truly gets to be too much, contemplate what you can do to bring others into the mix. It really is too much for one person to handle. Good luck!

I agree with RaylinnStephens:

Why must she got to sleep at a certain time?

Perhaps she is not sleepy. Maybe she naps during the day.

If the issue is that she is keeping you awake, why not simply tell her that you need to get some rest and will speak to her in the morning.

If you are worried she might fall or slip or poop on the floor, than perhaps it is time to hire a certified medicare nurse assistants.

Discuss the issues with your doctor and he can sign a form that says she needs the CNA

If you're "losing it," it sounds like something must change, else you'll fall ill.
Report just would not “go” as in bowel movement, or leave the room, or leave the house; which?

My mom has dementia and she is usually watching tv on the couch.  We don't like her to spend the whole day in bed.  But when it's time for bed I will tell her she has to go to her bed now and tell her she doesn't have to go to sleep but she's moving from the couch to her bed.  She has a tv in her room which she watches.  She is pretty cooperative and I really feel so bad for her as I miss her so much without the dementia.  So maybe if you tell her she doesn't have to go to bed to sleep but she's only moving from wherever she is to the bed, maybe she will cooperate.  If she has a tv in her room this may be helpful.

Yes, that was my question too, Need - what other people?

I sympathise with the bedtime face-off, and if it makes you feel any better (I feel terrible) I did completely lose it at least once. It was getting on for - oh can't even remember, half past midnight? One? - and she was 'watching the news.' She always wanted to watch the sodding news. I went hysterical, but in my defence I can't remember either when I'd last had more than three hours' sleep together.

And no you can't just leave them to it and go to bed because of the falls risk, the escape risk, the sh*t all over the loo seat and the floor risk, the hot water tap left running all night risk...

But never mind all that - who are these outsiders who are there, should understand, and don't care?

I also struggle with my Mom taking forever to do the smallest thing. She also says “Wait. Wait wait wait,” over and over till I want to scream. So I figured out little things to do while I wait, like file my nails, or read an uplifting article on my phone. Her brain is like a computer hard-drive that’s been erased; there’s no programming anymore. So I have to tell her: take one step. Pull down your pants. Sit on the toilet. She needs me to gently tell her each step because she literally does not remember how to go to the bathroom. It’s not her fault, and yelling has the reverse effect because it just upsets & confuses her more. I also drafted a self-care list that was three pages long, and every day I do at least 3 to 5 items from the list. It can be as simple as putting on face cream before bed and doing a few stretches to relax.

I give my dad an Ativan dissolved in hot chocolate about 2hours before I get him ready for bed. It used to be seroquel but after not having any for a month when I tried giving it to him for bed it seemed to make him agitated, so after talking to his doctor I started the Ativan. This actually calms down his sun downing activity some and makes him sleepy enough for bed.

When my mom's Alzheimer's was in full swing, after around 7:30 or so at night, she just couldn't/wouldn't get out of her chair. It was as if she were sleeping, even though there were no outward signs of that. Maybe "sundowners"  (or daughter downers and son-in-law downers,-- lol, I hope). As another poster said, other people can pick up the slack, (and the slacks, and the socks). Also agreeing with another comment, we had to allow a lot of time for everyday things. My mom used to be the get up and go kind of person, but when Alzheimer's was in full bloom, it could take 15 minutes to get out the door, where it used to take 5.  it is absolutely, like another person said, "the new normal." It's so surreal, because with a baby or toddler, you know that they're not going to understand things, but with an adult, and a parent yet, they used to have their full faculties, and it's hard to know, day to day, what the next day is going to bring. Try to find humor when you can.  Speaking about, "can," for example, when my mom struggled to get up, even with help, she used her cane's handle as a pulley to help pull herself up, wrapping the cane handle around the arm rest of the couch, that was close by. I said, "That's using your head." She patted her "can," (her fanny) and said, "I thought I was using another part of my body."

Forgive me, but is there a reason Mom has to go to bed at a certain time?

Think back to when we were children and didn't want to go to bed. Can you allow Mom to stay up later if she wants to? Beats the heck out of fighting.

I went to a Chinese energy medicine healer once who worked on emotional issues. She helped me get a lot of anger out that I had about my dad who I’m caring for. She said you must let these things out and not stuff them down where they will harm the body. In the early days of my dad's upheaval and hatred towards me for putting him in the NH, I would then go out to my car when I left and scream holy hell and say what ever the heck I wanted to at him and how I felt. I didn’t care if anyone saw me but my windows are It helped. So like others here have said...leave even if it means a drive to the park or a parking lot and scream and get it out. It’s not good for us to act unnaturally calm and keep it inside and never express our frustration. Your heart, stomach and brain will thank you. I love what others here have suggested too. Best to you.


I agree with both comments. We all get to the point where we realize that this is a "new normal." "Bedtime" doesn't mean bedtime anymore. Lunchtime doesn't mean lunchtime. We need to go with the flow of the patient. Much less stress on us.

One of my tricks is to leave LLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOAAAAADDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSS of time for everything. It can take fifteen minutes to get my husband from a chair to the car.

Everything takes forever--and when I am tired at bedtime--it feels like torture for him to take a long time to get ready. Solution: get ready early...right after dinner... and take as long as you need, dear. And, I do have to change our schedule all the time. My husband used to get up at eight for breakfast. Now he gets up around ten or eleven. Big change in my life. Needed to shift things to accommodate.

In your case, going with the flow makes even more sense because there are other people there. They CAN pick up the slack if they have to.

We hear a lot of complaining here about others who are not pulling their weight. They are always portrayed as the slackers and villains. I have to confess, however, that if someone else were to take over for me, I would only too happily let them. It is natural. No one wants to do the drudge work.

So, taking that into consideration, may I suggest that you make yourself scarce from time to time? Don't ask for permission. Just walk out the door and leave a note:

Gone shopping. If mom is hungry there is stuff for a sandwich in the fridge. Kisses.


Gone for coffee with Claire. Make sure Mom gets to the bathroom. Love ya!

Expect some flack. Expect some resistance because you, like the rest of us, live with human beings. But human beings, capable of great inertia, are also capable of great change.

This falls under the umbrella of self-care, namely, put your own oxygen mask on first. I practice self-care with great determination. I do make myself scarce. I walk out of the house and go places. Meet friends for coffee. I have to. I need it.

Good luck. We will be thinking of you!

One things that often helps is to pick your battles. Everything is not of equal importance. Prioritize what is most risking an anxiety attack for; blow off things further down on the list.

How critical is it to get Mom to bed at a certain time? Is it really worth a two-hour effort? (I don't know the circumstances so I don't know these answers. I just suggest that you should ask them.)

"Mom, I can see that you are not tired now. But let's get your nightie on so you'll be ready when you do get tired." "You don't want your nightie yet? Well, it wouldn't be the end of the world if you fall asleep later in your clothes. I just thought you'd be more comfortable. I'll be in the family room watching tv and knitting. Just come in an get me when you are ready to go to bed."

If you are having frequent episodes during each day that threaten to push you into panic attacks, I really wonder if you are giving some things more priority than they deserve.

Pick your battles.

"It's especially frustrating when I have to deal with outside people right there and then and they just don't care"

Does that mean there was somebody else in the house with you at bed time? If it does, why are you shouldering the full responsibility to get her into bed? The next time you are hitting the wall I think you need to leave - go for a walk or a drive, get right away until until you can centre yourself.

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