Hi. I'm new here. I've been lurking on this website for months and finally joined. My dad is 92. We never thought we would have to put him into a nursing home. He's always been a strong proud guy. Over the last few years... 10?.... he's gotten meaner and more confused and finally after threatening to kill himself and my mother for the 100th time, we had him brought the ER. They kept him for evaluation and they had us take him to be evaluated at a center and the answer was dementia. They never told us what stage but he only got 3 question right the first time and nothing right the second time. He went there In Jan 2017 and June 2017. He stayed home for about 9 months, but it became too much for my mother. He was combative and threatening her more and more (and me and my sisters when we'd visit). He's smashed tables and dishes, thrown objects across the rooms, threatened to burn down the house. And of course at night it was worse. He was downright scary! Even on his meds. He began falling and we had to call 911 almost weekly. Finally, after one ER visit, they told us he needed to go into a nursing home. (My mother's house isn't set up good for a wheelchair and at 85, she just can't do it.) It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. He's been there for 3 months and I'm still sick every time I leave. I try to go everyday on my lunch hour. My mother and sisters go a few times a week at different times. He gets at least one visitor a day. The nurses there say he gets the most visits out of anyone else! He's getting good care there. The aides are really good... but the thought of him being there... I can't get over the guilt. He made me promise to never put him in a nursing home. But like I said... it got to the point that my mother was killing herself taking care of him. I really thought he would kill her either mentally or physically. (She was failing... she looked like death) Now I see him in a wheelchair (he can no longer walk) and in a diaper. He is starting to choke on his food and can barely eat by himself so now he is being fed most of the time. (He tries to get some food on the spoon but can't seem to get it into his mouth) He usually knows who we are and he is happy to see us. I sometimes wish he were "further" into this disease so that he wouldn't know where he is. He says things like "Why am I here... what did I do in my life to end up here". Then there are days he doesn't talk at all. Some days when I visit him, he is barely there... talking about God and dying and seeing his dead relatives... and I think 'this is it" and then the next day he is more with it and you can almost have a conversation with him. It's like an emotional rollercoaster. Not to mention the stress of the Title 19 (we are Title 19 pending) & the fact that he was just put in a physc ward for 2 weeks at another hospital for being combative with the staff. But he is back at his nursing home and seems better now on his new meds. I'm sorry to babble on about different things. I just need to vent. I'm my dad's POA and I'm really close to him. The guilt I feel is awful. I even had to go see my doctor to give me something to calm me down because I can't sleep or concentrate. All I think about is getting the Title 19 approved and about him and my mother and how will she afford and maintain the house.... I always thought my dad would just live out his life in his own house. I never thought it would come to this. He's 92... he's not in bad health otherwise (heart/BP) but like now he is choking on his food and sleeps more. He looks really good for his age too... people can't believe he is 92. I just feel awful knowing he is sitting in the nursing home right now just doing nothing. He doesn't understand any of the activities... bingo, art... He was so active at home. Always in his garden or in the garage. This is just a horrible disease... and it can go on for years!!! I can't believe this is my life now. Which is why I'm so happy to have found all of you who are on this journey too. Thank you for letting me vent. I'm sure I'll be posting more questions.