I'm done

Still here, Cwillie?

It is not too late in the day to do some self-care, shower, wash face, put on some clothes, step outside, eat right.

Be gentle with yourself, dear one. We are none of us perfect, and your efforts have not been for naught.

Thank you all. It has helped to write it all down.

No, there's nothing acute happening health wise, just part of the slow, inevitable slide, inch by inch - no, not even that, millimetre by millimetre - into complete disability.

CW, might it be that mom has had another stroke if she can't stand any longer? Is her mental status altered? As mentioned that could be a UTI.

Is your mom on hospice? Would you consider calling EMS and having her transported to the hospital for evaluation of all those possibilities mentioned above?

And mostly, is there someone who can be there today? It sounds as though you are in a dark place.

I woke up in the morning and I thought one step at a time, I can do this. And then she wouldn't stand and I couldn't get her pants off. And I just can't find any compassion for her. I prepare kind words in my head but I spew hatred from my mouth. I can't be a gentle nurse when I just want her to disappear.
I thought my mother was strong and stoical, I discovered she was weak and her aloofness was really just her way of running.
I've quizzed her often - taunted her really - do you know who I am? where you live? what's your name? I've tried to have conversations, but I can't keep talking to a stone.
I though this would teach me compassion, help me find inner strength, be a gift. Instead it had consumed me and left me empty, uncertain there is anything left of me any more.
I'm drowning, and I'm somehow supposed to find the strength to save myself? Admit I've failed, that it was all for nothing?

Your Mom doesn't know you?
Another UTI?
Does she go in and out of knowing, not knowing?

Unfortunately, it is the times when you are the most burnt out, discouraged, and done that it is time to step up the clinical efforts and be strong.
Even calling in help is being strong, Cwillie.

Cwillie,
Early this morning, I saw your avatar. The two bunnies, and I thought, she is going to be okay with that sense of humor. You must have stayed up all night finding that funny chocolate bunny joke. Or, maybe you were up anyway? Sometimes, humor just doesn't help, I know the laughing thru your tears.

CW, tell us what happened that is making you feel this way today. (((((((Hugs))))))))

Are you going to remain as her caregiver or find a place for her? Thank you for being honest. It can get to be that way. There is only so much we can take and you have been going through it for a long time.