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I'm caregiver to my 82 y.o. Mother who has vascular dementia, had a triple bypass 2 years ago and fractured pelvis 1 year ago. She moved into the bottom floor of my and husbands split level home 10 years ago when she gambled away all her money and lost her home (although this has never been spoken about or admitted too.) She was not driving and I prepared meals but was mostly independent until the heart attack and surgery. She has slowly developed dementia and was diagnosed with moderate vascular dementia 2 years ago, after the surgery. She has been taking Namenda since then and since this past December is showing a remarkable improvement. In some ways this is good but in many ways it is not. Before she was very unsteady on her feet, but even her balance is improving and we are giving her more freedom. This is where the problems started... I became frustrated with her piling up her living area, stacking things up and refusing to ever put anything away. I'm not asking for cleaning, just putting things away when u are done with them and not leaving dirty clothes in the middle of floor where they are a trip hazard. Previously I had kept her rooms cleaned and picked up, but with her improvement felt she was capable of this small chore. We got into it and she told me to leave it alone, I'm not her mother... (Although I cook, clean, bathe her and do her laundry...) I walked away and left it alone for 2 weeks where it proceeded to get worse as to look like a borders area. At my breaking point over this I decided to just go pick up while she was eating diner and let it go, unfortunately my well meaning husband decided to intervene. While I was outside he tried to talk to her and explain that she needed to keep her room picked up since she was doing so much better. She got p*ssed! Until this time we always walked her up and down the stairs for safety reasons. So the next day she decides she can come up in her own, this p*ssed of my husband and me too, husband confronts her about it and tells her if she wants to act like 2 year old that's how we will treat her... She says to me are you just going to let him talk to me like that? Here I am stuck in the middle. Husband is only trying to look out for me because he knows how hard I work and how she manipulates me, mom only wants to do what she wants to do and nothing more. Now I'm stuck in this extremely stressful household with tension so thick you can feel it as soon as we're in the same room and I just don't know how to deal with this situation. Bath day is coming up and I dread it because I know she is going to fight me over that too and make everything worse. I just want to run away from it all, and have no one to help or give me a break. Sorry this is so long, but if you read this far thanks for that.

I hate to say it but it wS easier on us when she wasn't doing so well... At least then she was less argumentative and hateful. I keep thinking this lucidity won't last but it has been about 6 months now. Has anyone ever heard of this happening with vascular dementia?
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I like that your husband talked to her about keeping her area clean. I too live in a split level and Mom was in the lower area. Mom was further gone than yours. I put a gate at the bottom of the stairs. Mom didn't know how open it.

Boundries. You and husband could sit down with her and tell her you are not her maid. She has a hamper for her dirty clothes, use it. She has a dresser for clean clothes, use it. That its your home and she needs to follow your rules. If not, then she may have to go to a NH.

I understand where ur coming from. Both my me and my husnand hate mess. I like my house organized.
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Thanks so much everyone! I'm still at a loss and stressed but it helps to know others understand and I'm not the mean person she is trying to make me out to be.
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I totally agree.

You're stressed, your husband's stressed, mom is stressed. Your mom is only getting older, things are likely to improve.
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Sounds like time she was placed somewhere where others can deal with her - assisted living or something like that.
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