Follow
Share

My mother has been living with us for the last 11 years after she had a stroke and was unable to live on her own. She didn't have enough money to continue paying for assisted living so we bought a house where she could live with us. We have completely designed our lives around her care. Ever since she has moved in, my husband and I have spent a total of 2 nights away from the home for recreation. She is capable of bathing, going to the bathroom and making her own food. She fell and broke her wrist last October resulting in surgery and a discovery that she had developed a pressure ulcer near her tailbone. At that time, we were on 24/7 with feeding, bathing, dressing, going to the bathroom, etc. We now have home care coming 3 times a week to treat the pressure ulcer. This has been going on for 5 months. My husband was a stay at home Dad for his 2 girls when my Mom moved in which worked out because we were unsure of her capabilities and whether she could be left alone for both of us to work. His daughters have grown and moved out since and now he stays home just in case for my Mom. We can't make plans, we can't go anywhere, no one wants or offers to help us even when we talk about needing help. My husband complains about my Mom all the time now. Everything she does seems to be an issue for him. I know he is concerned for her wellbeing but this feels over the top to me, but he says it's because I'm not there and I don't see it. We fight all the time now. I have looked into assisted living for her again and it is more than double her monthly income and I can't afford to pay for her so I'm stuck. I keep having thoughts about wanting to die because I see no end to all of this. I hate going home, I hate dealing with both of them at this point. We have no friends anymore because no one wants to get involved in our situation or visit our home. My husband's family and my Mom's are completely useless. Whenever we talk about the difficulties and stress they just tell us to take better care of ourselves and make it clear they don't want anything to do with what's happening. We are isolated and completely alone in dealing with her. I feel guilt for what this has done to my husband. Through it all he hasn't left, but it is so toxic now. He had 3 seizures a few months ago and had to be in the hospital for several days because of all the stress. He wasn't getting any sleep or remembering to eat when we had to wait on my Mom hand and foot for months on end. Now our insurance is refusing to pay for any of the bills and we now have a massive debt on top of everything else. I just want to quit. I want to run away most days. I have spent the later half of my 20's and all of my 30's living like this. I have no life other than work and home. I have never traveled anywhere. When everyone I know our age is posting pics on Facebook of their latest trips, I'm still sitting at home slowly dying along with her. Also, she doesn't seem to care about how this affects us at all. I feel she has designed everything to keep me close to her physically. She didn't even want me to move out when I was 18 because she was afraid and of course she found a way to forever keep me under her thumb unable to move or breathe. I'm not saying she had a stroke on purpose, but she was almost 400 lbs and wouldn't stop overeating. I tried to intervene many times because I told her what could happen if she didn't stop living like that and get more healthy and it did. I have given up on ever having my own child because I can't take care of her and a kid too. Couldn't afford it either. It wouldn't matter anyway because my husband and I barely have sex at all. I'm in the prime of my life and she is sucking it all away as she gets exactly what she wants at the expense of what I want. She gets to sit all day watching TV, reading books and doing puzzles as my marriage crumbles and I seriously consider ending it all most days.

Shit. Molly if you're still watching this site occasionally please let us know how you are.
(1)
Report

Molly hasn't been back, unfortunately. Her situation sounds like a nightmare, so it's a worry but there is nothing we can do if she's not here.
(1)
Report

I saw the part about you being an only child and suicidal and thought I can relate. Then I read the rest of your post and now I just feel stupid for thinking I had anything remotely as difficult to deal with yet. I use to lament over the fact that I had to deal with mom by myself. I never thought of the fact that having an SO would make it harder not easier. I use to hold the thought of suicide at the back of my mind as an option for me if life got to difficult. It all seems really selfish to me now. I hadn't let myself think about it for a while. I use to start almost every day thinking of painless ways to end it. That was terribly disabling. I wasn't even depressed just scared. I don't have any great revaluation that might help you except that the pain you convey in your post was embarrassingly more significant than my fear of the future. That combined with an unexpected good day has helped my mood more than anything in recent memory. Thank you. I hope maybe just knowing you inadvertently helped me, a complete stranger, feel better about things just by selflessly sharing your experience will give you a new twist in how you value your self and know that you are not just existing. Anyway,. Thank you.
(0)
Report

Yeah, look into getting her placed in a facility. You just need to spend her money down legally and have her qualify for Medicaid. Next comes nursing home placement. If you're in a bad mental state and your marriage is in jeopardy, that's when you have to draw a line. I'm only 34 but I've been taking care of my widowed 63 yo dad for 8 years now. He's fully paralyzed and relies on me for everything. I work and pay for a few days a week of live in care to give me some free time. I wouldn't ever turn my back on family but I had thoughts similar to yours at one point of my life. If you can't handle it anymore, I suggest you speak with a lawyer to find out your best route. This life isn't for everyone. Luckily in my case, I've been able to take pride in all I've done for my father and how much better of a person I've become. Maybe you can find some part-time respite to give you a break at least. Best of luck.
(0)
Report

Also call Medicaid and Medicare and ask what resources are available to you.
(1)
Report

Mom needs to go. Simple as hard as that.

I hope you are on medication for the depression. And hubby could be too.

Check into AAA and get the ball rolling to place mom elsewhere. It's not worth your LIFE to make sure she has one.

A therapist and a good group support network wouldn't go amiss.

You are important. You are loved.

You owe your mother nothing but the respect owed a parent. You DO NOT need to turn your life into slavery for her.

It will be hard and she will be mad. Tough love will have to come into play.

Can mother be left for a few hours so you and hubby can get AWAY from her and talk about how to make this right. Losing your life so mom can have one--no that's not right.

Your mom is a narcissist who has you playing by her rules. Time to make the big change and ask her to leave. Even the poorest of people can find monies to help them live and get care. My mom is always complaining about all the "moochers" she knows at the Sr Center. I ought to ask her how these people are getting free housing and such....probably through gov't disability.

Come back--others will have better ideas than I do.

{{{HUGS}}} You need them.
(3)
Report

Web results
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org
(2)
Report

((((((( HUGS))))))))

Let's work on this.

What are her assets and what is her income?

Have you called up the local Area Agency on Aging and gotten a Needs assessment? And advice about what help she is eligible for?

Is she paying rent?

Do you have a therapist who is treating your depression?
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter