I absolutely do not want my daughters having the burden of caring for me.
I would rather tell them that I desire to find an appropriate place to live out the rest of my days on this earth.
I feel that I would be happier being independent, not relying on them. I also would have joy knowing that they would be free to live their lives as they choose.
I hope that I have all of my faculties so they won’t have the burden of making decisions for me.
I am so sad to read how you were treated. Honestly, it’s a crying shame. I say this for the obvious reason, that you don’t deserve it.
It also hits a nerve with me and I know that you know why. I have shared with you about losing my MIL to non Hodgkin’s lymphoma many years ago. Well, she did go into remission after her stint at MD Anderson. She was in remission for five years. I saw her ordeal with lymphoma. It’s tough. I wish that you didn’t have to suffer.
I am still believing for your healing to be permanent. I still burn candles for you at Mass. I hope that you don’t mind me doing that. I know you are not Catholic and I truly respect all faiths. We all worship one God.
I loved my MIL so much! I related to her better than I did with my own mom. I have a wonderful husband that has many of his mom’s qualities. I am grateful to her for so many things. She was an incredible mother and grandmother.
She needed platelets during her treatment for cancer and my husband donated them to her. We saw her all the time. She knew we were there for her and did all that we could. She treated me like a daughter. She would introduce me to people as her daughter. She even told me that I was the daughter that she never had. I considered her to be mom to me. I adored her. She had three sons.
Her mother and her husband were awful! But her mom was never a considerate woman. So sad, my MIL was an only child. She had a miserable mother and mother in law, double whammy! She had a spoiled husband! His mom treated him like a prince and my MIL like a freakin servant. It was sickening.
My FIL was not able to deal with her being sick. He was selfish too. When I offered to do grocery shopping he would ask me to sit with mom instead so I did. He would come back many, many hours later with one or two items in a grocery bag.
Stupid me, I did not even think that my FIL was having an affair. He always put on a front that he loved her. He was screwing around on my MIL. He moved the woman into his home about two weeks after my MIL died. I wanted to throw up it made me so sick to my stomach.
He tried to force her down our throats. It was absolutely awful. We didn’t get to grieve with him as a family. We became estranged from him because his behavior became so bizarre. He moved with her to another state and didn’t even tell us. She saw us as a threat. She wanted to spend all of his money. I hope that she made him happy because he lost two beautiful grandchildren and a son and DIL who tried to have a relationship with him. This woman was a real piece of work. I won’t bore you with the details but let me just say she was evil! She was the opposite of my sweet MIL. She even took down every photo of us in his house. The photos of my precious daughters as young children! She replaced them with her family photos.
There is so much about you that reminds me of my MIL. I mean that as a huge complement! Your family is foolish not to see the special person that you are. I have never met you and I can certainly see that you are warm, smart, funny, intelligent and have many other good characteristics.
Sorry so long. Guess I got a little upset. Certain memories trigger emotions that are difficult to handle.
Now, I didn't call them and ask for a ton of things. I kept up on the housework, the laundry, the running of the house, but the one thing that just gagged me was grocery shopping and meals.
DH can't cook anything but fried eggs and the rare occasions that I didn't have dinner ready at 7--he'd start up a huge pan of eggs. Ugggghhhh.
Kids never knew how depressed, lonely and sad I felt. I was very aware of them staying away--literally, keeping their distance and it was HARD. My son (lives in another state) never once called me or texted or emailed during the entire time I was sick. Which, BTW is still. You cure the cancer, then you cure the chemo.
So---when offered the follow up TX for my kind of cancer, I said "Thanks but no thanks." When this comes back, and it will, I will just let it go and call Hospice and go gently into that good night. No one will miss me more than a couple of days and then they'll all settle back into their lives.
As painful as it is to acknowledge, maybe I raised kids who were just a skosh TOO independent and thoughtless. I would NEVER and I mean NEVER live with one of them.
I am already apologizing to my son for when I get old. He sees how it is with my mother living in AL so it is preparing him. That being said after having 3 parents die in as many years and no knowledge of their situations I started showing him financial information and putting his name on accounts. I have stated my funeral preference (I want a Viking funeral ;))
I walk down the halls of my mom's AL and see my future. It is not pretty and staff does the best they can. A family member MUST advocate. You know your loved one. They don't although they get to if they stay long enough. Employment turnover is high especially among younger staff members.
Do I want my son taking care of me? No. Do I want him to watch over me? Yes if he can as I do for my mother. We all need that.
I have always been in good physical health, but have had minor anxiety issues for the past 15 years when my husband's health issues began (another story). I am now my mom's caregiver and I have recently felt like I may be slipping into a little depression. I am bound and determined to not put any of my 4 children through what my husband and/or mom has put me through.
I "babied" my husband the first 2 years after his heart surgery, after which I realized turned into him just getting lazy and taking advantage of me and others. My brother, who has always lived near our parents (another brother lives 3 hours away), babied Mom after Dad passed 5 years ago. We moved in with her 5 months ago (yet, another story) and now she seems to think I'm mean because I don't do things immediately when mentioned.
On the other hand, this has caused me to start eating right, exercising, and get closer to God. Like I said, I am bound and determined not to put my children through any grief, if at all possible.
I worked with a woman who told me that she had to call her mom daily because her mom called her mother daily. She insisted that she do the same. I told her that is ridiculous. She should call if she wants to, not because her mom made her feel guilty if she didn’t call.
I will not look after my parents, and I certainly do not expect my kids to look after me. They have their own lives to live. Currently none of them live in my home town, I would not expect them to move here to provide care.
Luckily, I live in Canada and MAiD is legal and available should I become terminally ill. There have been recent court challenges regarding Advanced Directives and allowing it for dementia patients.
My paperwork is all in order. I have no debt. I do have clutter and I have been working with a wonderful woman to purge the extras from my house. It is a slow process, as I am going through 22 years and 3 kids of accumulation, but I am getting there.
If I stay in my house, I will put in an accessible (no stairs) basement suite. I will move downstairs and the rent will help with bills and perhaps some home support. I live in town, walking distance to my doctor and all services. There is Handi Dart available should I need it once I no longer drive. Grocery and Rx delivery are available too.
I think you’re onto something. It’s your property. I don’t know the laws in your area.
We don’t have forced heirship in our state. So a child will not automatically inherit a parent’s property.
i wish i were exxagerating but im not . only a year ago him and / or his mother tried to get me busted for something they thought i had in my possession . it didnt work but they never stop trying .
neither of them will ever live in this home . they pissed away the last one .
I think personality does come into play. Independent people don’t want to have to depend on others.
Gosh, I remember having to lie to grandma to mop her floor because if I came out and asked her if I could mop, she was insulted thinking that I thought that she couldn’t do her work herself. So, I told her that I spilled something and needed a mop. Worked like a charm.
Her legs were failing her a bit. I knew mopping was hard for her. I was in my twenties and mopping was easy for me. I loved her and wanted to help.
it might even create some competition . lol .
it IS a beautiful little home .
This is true. Some people don’t care about socializing. My mom doesn’t care about it. When she went into the nursing home for rehab she had a sweet roommate. She did appreciate her. But as far as participating in bingo, gardening, crafts, eating outside of her room. Nope, she wasn’t having any part of it.
for sure , many people have nightmare caregiving difficulties -- many with health and other complications of their own . my apologies to anyone who thought i was being smug or simplistic .
I know that you weren’t coming off as judgmental. I judged myself much harder than anyone else ever did. You know, feeling like a failure trying to do everything on my own. It became too much. Plus I had also cared for daddy and my brother too.
Daddy was no problem though. He was so gracious. He was a very humble man and the best grandfather my kids could have ever had. Just like my grandpa was to me.