“You have to live your life. That is what a loving parent wants. If the parent wasn't so loving, that's even more of a reason to get on with your life.”
its very hard. My husband has had parkinsons for over ten yrs. The last three have been extremely challenging mentally emotionally and now physically. I suffered a stroke and fortunately dont need any therapy my self. But i cant lift more than 5 lbs for my own safely which means i need fulltime help for my husband. I know i must take care of myself first before i can be of any help to him. Be careful and don’t sacrifice all of your own life
1. Time flies. Don’t be a servant. Those who want you to be a servant don’t have your best interests at heart.
2. For anyone who wants to be totally free from caregiving/helping, I hope you get that freedom. I think many of us didn’t have that desire at the start. It all depends how long it goes on, how hard, how stressful…
Dear women (99% of us on the forum are women) (that’s because 99% of people in the world helping their elderly parents, ARE women),
Please don’t sacrifice your life. You’re kind and nice. But there’s so much more to life than just being kind and nice.
You, like all the boys out there, deserve a full life. Don’t let anyone dim your expectations of all life has to offer. Don't think, “Others get to have that, but not me.”
You deserve a full life. You were not born to be a helper all your life. Guess who ingrained that idea into your head, thousands of years ago?
No more exploitation of women. Be a part of bringing an end to that. Otherwise you’re just continuing it.
Plan, plan plan. Plan ahead. Not later, when you perceive you're old. Do it early and keep it updated. Put your property in someone else's name while you're "young". Give extra money away. See an elder law attorney to make it legal and to keep your life savings in your family, not some greedy investors. Make it clear exactly what you want for elder care. Then clean up your house and mark and label things with names and dates and make a list of who gets what. Take all that extra "stuff" and donate it somewhere. Do a bag a day, a room a week, something like that. Ask for help if you need it. It's so hard on the family to do this later. AND it's much worse if the state comes in and takes over.
I would have tried harder to stop my mother buying an apartment near us just one day after she saw it, with no discussion about what sort of life she would have there and what she expected of us. She regretted it almost at once and so did we, for six long years.
Be careful: we all know that helping our LOs is EXTREMELY stressful. BUT what we don’t realize is that there’s all sorts of effects we’re unaware of. The stress you’re aware of: is ONLY the tip of the iceberg. In reality, you’re experiencing much more stress.
Beatty, I agree, seeing the future would be interesting!
(By the way, the point about going back in time, is just an exercise in what warning you would give yourself. Often that warning can help others who read it. And actually often that warning, is something you should be counter-acting right now, not just past.)
After your comment, I started myself wondering what my future, 20 years from now, might look like. Same kind of questions as you…Am I eating awful pizza? Does it have mushrooms, which I hate?
Well…how good have I been at guessing my future in the past? I’ve sometimes been way off! Sudden obstacles that I never imagined. I didn’t expect my mom to suddenly get ill. My helping has derailed my plans for years.
Beatty, I wish us not to be broke in the future. And eating awful pizza.
We don’t deserve that. And I’m sure we’ll figure out a way, to a bright future.
“Is my future me fit & fabulous on a cruise somewhere?”
It's probably just me being anxious.. but I would love not to go back - but forward. Like in 'Back to the Future II'..
Am I eating awful pizza, my DH umployed & me a broken wreck?
Or did we survive this period? The changes, job changes, the downsize, coped with family members & our own illnesses & treatments. All the life transitions..
Is my future me fit & fabulous on a cruise somewhere?
There is no cure for old age. There is only one trajectory--and it is down. Every medical issue addressed leaves room for the next, which will be worse. Don't rush to fix every little medical issue, and stifle their independence with oversolicitous care to keep them "safe". You're only prolonging their misery...and yours.
I’d warn myself: 1. Watch out. Your mom will exploit you, financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, and she WILL NOT CARE. 2. In fact, she’ll be happy that she’s ruining your life. 3. When was the last time she did something for you?? Something kind?? 5,000 years ago?? 3. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Big understatement. 4. If you knew all of this about her, years ago, what would you have done? Do THAT now.
Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right in a relationship, whether it’s family, a so-called friendship, a stranger, then it isn’t right. If you feel you’re being taken advantage of while caregiving, then you are. Trust your feelings & perceptions.
Let your inner wisdom guide you.
By “trust your gut”, I literally mean trust your gut. If you’re putting on weight around your stomach, your gut is trying to tell you something.
When you originally posted this thread (April 2022), you said, and I quote you Ventingisback, “Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.”
Note to self: Try to find a way to exit. The price you pay for helping will be too high: it’ll mess up your whole life, future. Hire others, delegate, hire, delegate.
I am so grateful to the people that told me that they understood that I loved my mom but that the burden was too heavy for me to continue carrying.
Many people tried telling me that I was overextending my capabilities. My defense was always that, ‘I dearly loved my mother.’
BarbBrooklyn’s honesty helped to snap me out of my delusional bubble of thinking that I must do everything myself. She taught me that was not the best definition of love and to care for myself equally.
Don't fall for the "I had no other choice". Believe me there is always a choice. Choose what is best for you in the long run, not what will fix things at this moment (or what makes the person in need happiest at this moment).
“You have to live your life. That is what a loving parent wants. If the parent wasn't so loving, that's even more of a reason to get on with your life.”
him. Be careful and don’t sacrifice all of your own life
2. For anyone who wants to be totally free from caregiving/helping, I hope you get that freedom. I think many of us didn’t have that desire at the start. It all depends how long it goes on, how hard, how stressful…
3. When was the last time you felt free?
Please don’t sacrifice your life. You’re kind and nice. But there’s so much more to life than just being kind and nice.
You, like all the boys out there, deserve a full life. Don’t let anyone dim your expectations of all life has to offer. Don't think, “Others get to have that, but not me.”
You deserve a full life. You were not born to be a helper all your life. Guess who ingrained that idea into your head, thousands of years ago?
No more exploitation of women. Be a part of bringing an end to that. Otherwise you’re just continuing it.
Then clean up your house and mark and label things with names and dates and make a list of who gets what. Take all that extra "stuff" and donate it somewhere. Do a bag a day, a room a week, something like that. Ask for help if you need it. It's so hard on the family to do this later. AND it's much worse if the state comes in and takes over.
we all know that helping our LOs is EXTREMELY stressful. BUT what we don’t realize is that there’s all sorts of effects we’re unaware of. The stress you’re aware of: is ONLY the tip of the iceberg. In reality, you’re experiencing much more stress.
(By the way, the point about going back in time, is just an exercise in what warning you would give yourself. Often that warning can help others who read it. And actually often that warning, is something you should be counter-acting right now, not just past.)
After your comment, I started myself wondering what my future, 20 years from now, might look like. Same kind of questions as you…Am I eating awful pizza? Does it have mushrooms, which I hate?
Well…how good have I been at guessing my future in the past? I’ve sometimes been way off! Sudden obstacles that I never imagined. I didn’t expect my mom to suddenly get ill. My helping has derailed my plans for years.
Beatty, I wish us not to be broke in the future. And eating awful pizza.
We don’t deserve that. And I’m sure we’ll figure out a way, to a bright future.
“Is my future me fit & fabulous on a cruise somewhere?”
Yes Beatty. See you on the cruise!
Am I eating awful pizza, my DH umployed & me a broken wreck?
Or did we survive this period? The changes, job changes, the downsize, coped with family members & our own illnesses & treatments. All the life transitions..
Is my future me fit & fabulous on a cruise somewhere?
“Honor your parents…”
I’d honor myself, too.
Listen to InvisibleOne’s words:
“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
1. Watch out. Your mom will exploit you, financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, and she WILL NOT CARE.
2. In fact, she’ll be happy that she’s ruining your life.
3. When was the last time she did something for you?? Something kind?? 5,000 years ago??
3. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Big understatement.
4. If you knew all of this about her, years ago, what would you have done? Do THAT now.
Let your inner wisdom guide you.
By “trust your gut”, I literally mean trust your gut. If you’re putting on weight around your stomach, your gut is trying to tell you something.
Follow what you preach.
When you originally posted this thread (April 2022), you said, and I quote you Ventingisback,
“Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.”
So, did you do it?
Anyway, since I’m on this thread:
Note to self:
Have an exit plan, if you ever want to completely stop caregiving.
I guarantee you’ll recognize your abusive mom, dad…or even abusive “friend”.
They all do the same things…
https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse
Whether it’s your awful, elderly mom doing this to you (99% are moms, rather than dads)…or an abusive “friend”…
Understand this:
WHY?
Emotional abusers have a need to control and dominate the other person.
CONSEQUENCE:
The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.
You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship.
Try to find a way to exit. The price you pay for helping will be too high: it’ll mess up your whole life, future. Hire others, delegate, hire, delegate.
Be flexible.
“Love is not enough,” is such a wise response!
I am so grateful to the people that told me that they understood that I loved my mom but that the burden was too heavy for me to continue carrying.
Many people tried telling me that I was overextending my capabilities. My defense was always that, ‘I dearly loved my mother.’
BarbBrooklyn’s honesty helped to snap me out of my delusional bubble of thinking that I must do everything myself. She taught me that was not the best definition of love and to care for myself equally.