When my mother came down with Alzheimer's Disease, my sister (my only sibling) said, "I'm outta here!" and took off. She cut off contact with everyone in the family, except for one relative approx the same age as our mother, who was given my sister's work phone number. My sister didn't want any responsibility for taking care of our mother. When my mother died, we told that relative, who called my sister and told her about the funeral. My sister didn't want to attend at first, but she showed up. A few days later, she called our father and told him that she never wanted to hear from us again for any reason whatsoever. Then she changed jobs and didn't give that relative her new work phone number, so no one had any way to contact her. About thirty years later, I found out that right after our mother died, she moved from New Jersey to Florida. (She had contacted another relative to say that she was in Florida, but did not give that relative any way to contact her.) For those thirty years, we had absolutely no idea where she was, if she was still in the USA, or even if she was still alive.
Right after I found out that she was in Florida, she sent me a very nasty condolence letter after our father died. (I had no idea where she was or even if she was still alive, so I had no way to tell her about our father's funeral.) I am completely out of contact with her.
As for friends, the friends that I had at the time that my mother got sick all dropped me, because I wasn't as free to hang around with them all the time, and they had plenty of friends who were free to hang around with them. In addition, they all had gotten married, and I hadn't, and they preferred to spend their time with married couples. Some of them went out of their way to tell me that when they felt bad about something, they told themselves that things could be worse - they could be in my position.
I never tried calling them to say, "Hey, my father died, so now I have lots of free time!" But I have made new friends. Sometimes I'm sorry that I don't have long-standing friends, like friends from high school or college, but what can you do? At least I have friends.
My parents are in a NH. They had two wonderful in home caregivers that took wonderful care of them. I became friends with one of them. Whenever I'm in town for my month, I always make time to see her. She is such a kind compassionate person and always optimistic about life. It feels good to be around her.
I'm so glad I met her and she's still in my life. Having her as a friend is one of the upsides of this ordeal.
I think I will always be friends with some of Mom's caregivers. They love to laugh. They are high achievers. Many are working 2 or 3 jobs. They don't let life get them down. Three are in college.
I have a childhood friend/neighbor a 50 yr friendship. I was there and on call for her 24/7 when her father was I'll and dieing. Then my dad died and I started care giving mom. She was not there for me in the least. If I mentioned my mom she would just get this look , that I took as boardom, Sence are lives intertwine so much, we kept a polite distance. So the other day I was chatting with her, and Im really not sure what to think. I thought she has just turned into a narcissist that I didn't want anything to do with. Now things are starting to piece together, with little hints, and from what others have said that she just really doesn't like my mother, doesn't think my mom treats me right and backed off because she didn't have anything good to say about her, and didn't want to say her true feelings. I'm kinda blown away by this. Not sure if I'm going to rekindle this friendship or not. I'm just going to sit on it for a while. I do imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. That is exactly the way I would of acted.
I'm the oldest of five. I lost relationships with my 2 sisters closest to my age when I realized they weren't joking about not caring, they weren't teasing about sticking our mom in a horrific nursing home and leaving her there! But I gained new, closer than ever, valuable relationships and friendships with my much, much younger sister & brother. We talk every day and see eachother at least once a week. I never knew what special, kind, intelligent, hardworking, loving, caring individuals I was missing out on I am so very thankful that the 3 of us bonded while providing care for our beautiful mom....I believe it's just what she wanted!
Right after I found out that she was in Florida, she sent me a very nasty condolence letter after our father died. (I had no idea where she was or even if she was still alive, so I had no way to tell her about our father's funeral.) I am completely out of contact with her.
As for friends, the friends that I had at the time that my mother got sick all dropped me, because I wasn't as free to hang around with them all the time, and they had plenty of friends who were free to hang around with them. In addition, they all had gotten married, and I hadn't, and they preferred to spend their time with married couples. Some of them went out of their way to tell me that when they felt bad about something, they told themselves that things could be worse - they could be in my position.
I never tried calling them to say, "Hey, my father died, so now I have lots of free time!" But I have made new friends. Sometimes I'm sorry that I don't have long-standing friends, like friends from high school or college, but what can you do? At least I have friends.
I'm so glad I met her and she's still in my life. Having her as a friend is one of the upsides of this ordeal.
Sence are lives intertwine so much, we kept a polite distance. So the other day I was chatting with her, and Im really not sure what to think. I thought she has just turned into a narcissist that I didn't want anything to do with. Now things are starting to piece together, with little hints, and from what others have said that she just really doesn't like my mother, doesn't think my mom treats me right and backed off because she didn't have anything good to say about her, and didn't want to say her true feelings.
I'm kinda blown away by this. Not sure if I'm going to rekindle this friendship or not. I'm just going to sit on it for a while. I do imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. That is exactly the way I would of acted.
I am so very thankful that the 3 of us bonded while providing care for our beautiful mom....I believe it's just what she wanted!