Crazy no, but you sound seriously burned out. Nobody can do this all on their own, have you contacted the agency on aging about services that are available in your area? And have you ever watched the Teepa Snow video series
You aren’t a monster. Do you know why you are questioning if you are? Because you are at your wits end. When we are pushed past our limits we feel like we are going crazy!
Do you have any help? If you don’t I suggest that you find help. Start by calling Council on Aging in your area.
Next ask your dad’s doctor or hospital for a referral to a social worker to help you. They can speak to you and help you determine what is the best plan in regard to his future care.
Not crazy. Burned out, Frustrated, maybe even angry at having to care for him. Do you have help? If not you should have. Is he able to go to Adult Day Care? Would be a great option for you, you would get a break of several hours several days a week and he would get socialization and a break from you as well. Are you going to be able to continue to care for him? How about when he can no longer walk? Will you be able to get him into a shower?, change him?, are there stairs where you live?, Lots to think about. Can he afford Memory Care? Is that an option? Have you consulted with an Elder Care Attorney? If not you might want to give one a call and get all the paperwork needed done and in order. Will he have to go on Medicaid? Begin to prepare for that now.
Do you have someone you can talk to? You also might want to contact your doctor and tell them what stress you are going through and talk to a counselor. They will also reassure you that you are not a Monster. But you are dealing with a monster called Dementia. And this is one monster that we can not beat.
You don’t need to be his caregiver any longer. That’s not said in judgement, but compassion. When you’re as frustrated and burned out as you are it’s time for someone else to take over, whether it be other family or in a facility with professional caregivers. You’re not a monster, but you’re also not good as a caregiver with this degree of burnout. It happens to many, you’re not alone. Please find alternate arrangements for your father, it’s time to let others do the care
Caregiving changes people. When I was trying to keep my inlaws living independently - really I was enabling them to fake being independent - I reached a point where I felt driven crazy. I also got sick and it took me 1+ years to regain my health.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read on this forum is "Guilt should never drive the care plan". Your father's needs are only going to increase. It's time for you to step back and start investigating what options are available for him.
Teepa Snow offers a wealth of advice. I learned a lot from her, including my own limitations as far as what I was and was not willing to do for my inlaws. Also recognize that Teepa is a *professional* who worked as a clinician in both neuro rehab and geriatrics. Do not feel bad if you feel it's too much for you to handle.
Is it possible that he has mental health issues that have not been addressed? I ask this because I sympathize. My mother lives with me, and even though many people would say, 'Why, she's LOVELY! Why in the world are you so bunched up?!', I AM bunched up. And it turns out that there's a good reason. She is manic-depressive and while she believes that her medications are helping her, the fact that I grew up under her care before she was medicated means that I find her very difficult to be around. I've come to see that I need to meet with a counselor myself because I am miserable simply being in my house knowing that she is here. I am an Olympic-level passive-aggressive daughter (I learned from the best). I cannot admit to myself what I really think, but it seeps out of every pore like a cloud of squid-ink.
All this is to say that if you are feeling that level of anger, there may be more than just simple irritation in the midst of an irritating situation. There may be back-story. IF there is back-story -- trauma / abuse from the past that makes you feel feelings you don't really understand -- then there are new forms of therapy that can help. Look into the book 'The Body Keeps the Score.' It is very helpful.
Best wishes -- We are all just walking each other home.
My Dh spends an afternoon or evening with his mother and comes home so depressed he climbs into bed and pulls a pillow over his head and WILL NOT TALK about it. (her, rather)
She's mean, she's old, she's sick, but not physically. She refuses to let me in her home and when she DID I had to stand on a rug and wait out the 'visit' of DH. I was not allowed to have a drink in case I would need to go to the bathroom. Dh NEVER, EVER stood up for me. Said I was a big girl and could 'fight my own battles' so she tells all and sundry that he is miserable because of me.
I can't and won't fight her. I also will not mourn her one iota when she dies. She has done so much emotional damage to my otherwise mentally healthy DH.
I don't hate her, but I don't like/love her. She's 90 and plans to live to 100. I bet she will, too.
Your profile says Dad had Dementia/ALZ. Is he living with you or on his own? Even if you understand how Dementia works is hard dealing with it, if you don't it will drive you crazy.
Dad's brain no longer works. He has lost the ability to reason. Processing what is being said to him is very slow, if there at all. You can't give him too much to absorb at one time. Short term is probably gone so he will not remember things you have said.
Not all of us are Caregivers. I had my Mom for 20 months. The last 8 she went to Adult care 3x a week to give me a break. I placed her in an AL and eventually LTC. You may have to make these decisions.
Do u have POA? If so, how does it read? Does it come into effect when Dad is incompetent? I so, get a Dr. to write a letter that he is incompetent. If Dad has money, place him in an AL. When money is gone, then apply for Medicaid for LTC.
If you explain what problems you are having, we may be able to help with other suggestions.
No offence to wren or hailey but this post was from back in March and the OP never returned - this is why I think threads need to be retired more quickly, 3 months should be sufficient.
I agee with cwillie. I never look at when a question was asked, and I should. And I do think that these should be retired, and wonder how it ended up back at the top of discussions. Given I will answer any question no matter HOW old it is, I can only say I saw one of our forum regulars say the other day one short sentence (wish she taught a class on how to do this) which was "You should never care for someone you hate". So I will add that you should also not care for someone driving you crazy on a regular basis, someone who makes you turn into a monster, or someone you wish dead.
So agree on “retiring” a thread with no retuning OP earlier.
Which - brings up my pet peeve thats been annoying me of late...
The “Drive By” post. Uggggg!!!
Cutrently two thought provoking thread started - the mom who won’t move in with her daughter cuz she doesn’t want to be a burden and the OP with the transgender child. Lots of time and thought given by the good folks here - falling flat on the ears of crickets.
Its always so great to hear from you Rainmom. I understand your frustrations on this issue. I haven't been too active as of late because my mother seems to be the ideal Covid quarantined resident. Having lived in NY for many years she says she is greatful to not be dead! She turns 90 next month and there is the reality that I still may not be able to celebrate her at all. I am thinking a flowing plant may have to do. Also we are expecting our 4th grandchild in Utah due this month and we hope to go there and visit and help. Anyway I do find all you have to say helpful.
No, it does not make you a monster. It makes you sound like a person suffering from caregiver burnout and at the end of their rope because of it. You need some outside help for your father. It will be good for him and it will be good for you. Please explore some options like in-home care or even a senior community for your father.
Rainmom, I agree with you on the drive by posts!! We wait for some kind of response from the OP and there isn’t any. By the way rainmom, I enjoy reading your posts. They don’t go unnoticed. I love reading everyone’s posts. There is a wealth of knowledge on this forum!!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVl8vTLjje8ESAEvpjVoVTEK-_6X2jTdl
Do you have any help? If you don’t I suggest that you find help. Start by calling Council on Aging in your area.
Next ask your dad’s doctor or hospital for a referral to a social worker to help you. They can speak to you and help you determine what is the best plan in regard to his future care.
Best wishes to you and your dad.
Burned out, Frustrated, maybe even angry at having to care for him.
Do you have help? If not you should have.
Is he able to go to Adult Day Care? Would be a great option for you, you would get a break of several hours several days a week and he would get socialization and a break from you as well.
Are you going to be able to continue to care for him? How about when he can no longer walk? Will you be able to get him into a shower?, change him?, are there stairs where you live?, Lots to think about.
Can he afford Memory Care? Is that an option?
Have you consulted with an Elder Care Attorney? If not you might want to give one a call and get all the paperwork needed done and in order.
Will he have to go on Medicaid? Begin to prepare for that now.
Do you have someone you can talk to? You also might want to contact your doctor and tell them what stress you are going through and talk to a counselor. They will also reassure you that you are not a Monster. But you are dealing with a monster called Dementia. And this is one monster that we can not beat.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read on this forum is "Guilt should never drive the care plan". Your father's needs are only going to increase. It's time for you to step back and start investigating what options are available for him.
Teepa Snow offers a wealth of advice. I learned a lot from her, including my own limitations as far as what I was and was not willing to do for my inlaws. Also recognize that Teepa is a *professional* who worked as a clinician in both neuro rehab and geriatrics. Do not feel bad if you feel it's too much for you to handle.
I ask this because I sympathize. My mother lives with me, and even though many people would say, 'Why, she's LOVELY! Why in the world are you so bunched up?!', I AM bunched up.
And it turns out that there's a good reason.
She is manic-depressive and while she believes that her medications are helping her, the fact that I grew up under her care before she was medicated means that I find her very difficult to be around.
I've come to see that I need to meet with a counselor myself because I am miserable simply being in my house knowing that she is here. I am an Olympic-level passive-aggressive daughter (I learned from the best). I cannot admit to myself what I really think, but it seeps out of every pore like a cloud of squid-ink.
All this is to say that if you are feeling that level of anger, there may be more than just simple irritation in the midst of an irritating situation. There may be back-story.
IF there is back-story -- trauma / abuse from the past that makes you feel feelings you don't really understand -- then there are new forms of therapy that can help.
Look into the book 'The Body Keeps the Score.' It is very helpful.
Best wishes -- We are all just walking each other home.
She's mean, she's old, she's sick, but not physically. She refuses to let me in her home and when she DID I had to stand on a rug and wait out the 'visit' of DH. I was not allowed to have a drink in case I would need to go to the bathroom. Dh NEVER, EVER stood up for me. Said I was a big girl and could 'fight my own battles' so she tells all and sundry that he is miserable because of me.
I can't and won't fight her. I also will not mourn her one iota when she dies. She has done so much emotional damage to my otherwise mentally healthy DH.
I don't hate her, but I don't like/love her. She's 90 and plans to live to 100. I bet she will, too.
Dad's brain no longer works. He has lost the ability to reason. Processing what is being said to him is very slow, if there at all. You can't give him too much to absorb at one time. Short term is probably gone so he will not remember things you have said.
Not all of us are Caregivers. I had my Mom for 20 months. The last 8 she went to Adult care 3x a week to give me a break. I placed her in an AL and eventually LTC. You may have to make these decisions.
Do u have POA? If so, how does it read? Does it come into effect when Dad is incompetent? I so, get a Dr. to write a letter that he is incompetent. If Dad has money, place him in an AL. When money is gone, then apply for Medicaid for LTC.
If you explain what problems you are having, we may be able to help with other suggestions.
I said that as humble as I know how.
Given I will answer any question no matter HOW old it is, I can only say I saw one of our forum regulars say the other day one short sentence (wish she taught a class on how to do this) which was "You should never care for someone you hate". So I will add that you should also not care for someone driving you crazy on a regular basis, someone who makes you turn into a monster, or someone you wish dead.
Which - brings up my pet peeve thats been annoying me of late...
The “Drive By” post. Uggggg!!!
Cutrently two thought provoking thread started - the mom who won’t move in with her daughter cuz she doesn’t want to be a burden and the OP with the transgender child. Lots of time and thought given by the good folks here - falling flat on the ears of crickets.
Makes me crazy.