Follow
Share

Husband still functions and can go out to dinner (nearby). Not only do you have to deal with someone with dementia you have the double whammy of friends drifting away and just excluding you. I got some great responses on this site. Many questioned if they were really drifting away. Well yesterdays lunch with one of the group made it clear. She said they all have been going shopping out to dinner and visiting each other's homes. I was in the dark about this as my husband was in hospital and then recuperating. I said I dont see anyone in our group anymore. She said you are not being invited to things so basically you are not in the group any longer. She said and when your husband passes this is a couples group and you would be uncomfortable being around us. She said that she would continue to see me and my husband occasionally and be my friend. Well, I better get used to this. My husband just doesn't understand. While in hospital and at home one person visited. I should have gotten the hint then. So this journey we take, we get hit over and over and it could go on for years. No one wants to be reminded of their mortality. This particular friend and I did everything together. She did say if you want to come out with us, if you drive yourself that would be ok, in case your husband wants to leave. Yeah, we don't want to spoil their fun. She already has a friend now who they take turns driving, so I was out anyway. and I can't drive distances at night. I live in a small community where I will see them daily, I just have to be friendly when I see them. And I know what you are going to say...look for new friends, we are old and he is not that well, so that will be difficult. Boy did I get this group wrong.....

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

13 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
Yes they turned out to be not whom you thought and hoped they might have been. In my mind they no longer define the meaning of friendship. We were and are still very close to a couple for years. The husband had a serious stroke a few years ago. We are no longer in the same area but we are in touch regularly. When we are where they are we visit and bring them dinner. We spend long periods of time on the phone with him having conversations that can be difficult. We would never think to abandon them. I hope we represent the true meaning of friendship. Those who don't are really not worth your time. They have become place card holders. That definition does not describe people who have love,concern for others and are basically soulless. I hope you can move on and recognize for what they are worth which has become nothing.
(4)
Report
joycee1, drop those so called friends like a hot potato as you don't need any more added stress to your life. Remember, there is karma and those friend might find themselves in the same situation one day... then and only then will they know how this feels to be abandoned by other friends.

A decade ago I had cancer and my best friend tried to get me to out shopping or for lunch, but I was feeling lousy from the meds I was taking I kept having to say no. Well, eventually the calls stops. It was very hurtful because this friend could make one laugh for hours on end. Then I had to help my very elderly parents which totally overwhelmed me, thus had zero free time.

You never know what is around the next corner. I went back to doing volunteer work at a hospital and my desk mate turned out to be dealing with her elderly in-laws. It was like talk therapy as we compared notes for the past 7 years we worked together.

I also had found a talk therapist who was very familiar with senior care as she had lived that experience with her own parents. She was very helpful.

Look around your community to see if there are any support groups for those dealing a love one who has Alzheimer's/Dementia. Usually your County agency on aging would have a list. The main issue would be finding a caregiver to watch over hubby while you were at the meetings, if you feel you rather not leave him home alone.
(4)
Report
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said they don't want to be reminded of their own mortality.

I am sorry this is happening.
(4)
Report
I'm sorry for this.
Sadly, it's not unusual at all. People are not comfortable with sick people, as a rule, as we have to roll with it.

I just got dxed with cancer this week. Wondering who will 'be there' for me and who will quickly disappear.

Perhaps a support group for you? I have found a lot of support here on this site. I also chat up total strangers---so I don't feel so lonely.

Your friend sounds like someone you don't need in your life anyway!!

(Hugs)
(3)
Report
Some friends!

my parents were active in the years gone by with several local groups. Built friendships with many individuals in those groups.

when my Dad was hospitalized for an extended time, the guys came around about once a week...usually brought a pack it in lunch for everyone. When the VA would not release my Dad till he had a handicap ramp...that group of friends built it for him in one weekend!

as his dementia developed, these friends have been around with both Mom and Dad, actually helping them find services and help. All of this I learned about after my Mom had a stroke...up until then, between Mom and friends they managed to hold it together while my Dad got worse.

I think your picker is broken. These were not fiends but acquaintances.
(2)
Report
thank you all for your responses. I thought I was just feeling sorry for myself. Thought it was in my mind. But after I left that friend yesterday I wrote down every word she said to me, I dont ever want to forget it. I think she thought she was doing me a favor. Yeah, telling me about her going out and partying, and shopping . She got that off her chest. And then threw me a bone. That is how I felt. She said she would see me separately, thanks. She told me now you must know how it feels to be left out. Yes, thank you very uch. But my husband is still here and I am not waiting til he passes to be thrown out of group, I am leaving now. What have I lost.
(1)
Report
Joyce, I think it’s clear that the people in the group think of it as a social group, not a group of personal friends. It’s a painful discovery for you, because you did think of them as personal friends, and you took a lot of responsibility for organising the social occasions. Perhaps during the organising, you had more one-to-one contact with the members than anyone else! It might help to give them a different ‘label’ in your mind. There is nothing evil about belonging to a social group, and that’s all they are.

Making new friends is hard as we get older – too much of our lives not shared, both past and present. It will be just that bit easier if you can try to put all this out of your mind before you look for new people in your life. Feeling bitter and talking about it will make everything even harder. I am really sorry for you, and I also have the problem of past friends just disappearing (though for less hurtful reasons). It’s a problem, and a good reason not to outlive all our generation!
(2)
Report
If this a group of couples in your age group there are bound to be others who experience some sort of major medical issue and or cognitive decline, they will experience the same thing and learn the hard way how loosely this group defines "friend" I am horrified and so pained that you are experiencing this with a group that sounds like it should be full of people who relate better not less to the difficulties in your day to day life. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you but try to remember these are what I believe my grandmother referred to as fair weather friends not true blue friends and that has nothing to do with you or your DH, that's on them.
(3)
Report
Hi Joycee, I am sorry that you and your husband are going through this. It’s sad that when you really need kindness that it’s not there. I am already seeing this type of behavior from someone I thought was a friend and from some relatives as well. I care for my Mom. As her dementia progresses these people are drifting. It’s hurtful and I feel sad for my Mom. Karma can be a bitch though. Please remember that you do have people in your life that care. We are right here. Keep coming back to talk. Hugs.
(2)
Report
Oh my! This is so sad and I feel so bad for you. And I'll follow that up with this...true friends are friends, no matter what your circumstances, or there's may be. If someone excludes you from a 'group' like you said? What kind of exclusive group is this! They get dressed different than the rest of us? Sheesh. (sorry for the rant). Then maybe that's not the place for you after all. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But come on now. And I get it's not easy to make new friends. But a few good friends are worth a boatload of acquaintances. I wish you well.
(1)
Report
Because I'd been so busy with my mom and my work, I lost contact with many friends. A very few friends insisted on being remembered and would call to ask how I was doing and to catch up with me what was going on with them. Some would even show up to go out to dinner or take a walk, just to get me away from my routine. They felt they should take care of me while I was caring for my mom. None of these friends had experienced what I was going through at the time, but they stuck with me. Now that I have more time I'm calling the friends I had lost contact with and reconnecting. It is really nice that they understood my absence. And when another friend's husband died, she was still included for all parties and outings. I guess I don't understand distinguishing between social groups and friends. However, I am social with the art community, but don't hang out with them outside of openings and other art events. My friends are the people I go places with and spend non-career type time with. A few people overlap and are both work friends and personal friends. But I'm pretty sure if my husband or I were to be ill or die, all of these people, work or personal, in my life would continue to include the one of us who would become the carer or the survivor. Your "social group" situation is very peculiar to me, very exclusive, and just plain selfish and mean. I don't like those people who did that to you!
(4)
Report
I know now, with all the stuff of dealing with my husband, which is a full time job, and the stress of living this lifestyle, I need to break off. That is what they want, they want it coming from me. They dont want other people to find out they dont want us in group. that would make them look bad. I think they told that gal to come over and tell me they are doing things without me and later on when my husband passes they think I would be uncomofrtable going out with them, the fifthe wheel. Gee...thanks for your kindness. I hae taken your advice and slower not going to be involved, but friendly as I live in gated community and I will see them at clubhouse and functions. It is what it is. Two whammies. And yes, I was naive for many years, I thought they were my friends. They were not. My mistake. I should not be dealing with this I am 78 my husband is 83...I am glad he doesnt realize what is going on. I do have friends who dont live close by but I talk to daily and they are helpful. And wonderful kids althogh they live far away. They come at a drop of a hat. No use complaining, what have I lost. Thanks for all your support.
(1)
Report
I am so sorry. When I look at my friendships and where they went, I found our lives did not parallel. They had children early, me later. When they worked, I didn't and visa versa. My DH blames himself for his deafness. That makes me sad.
(2)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter