I want out!!!

Been selfless for 7 years. I’m going crazy and want my life back.

Backup POA’s are a no go.

Sister lives in Lake Placid NY.

Step-bro here wouldn’t want the job.

Other sister is useless. Never calls or writes or asks how mom is doing.

I have to worry about the money. And day to day needs. She’s in Memory Care now but I seem to have just as much to deal with. Mom might have 5 years worth of money.


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I don't blame you. I want out too. I have stepped way, way, way back from the daughter caregiver role I once willingly took on in order to save my sanity. I never thought my parent's health issues, dementia, demands, mean-spirited crazy making, endless needs and my own guilt over my less-than-positive-thoughts about them would take over my life.

She said Mom may have 5 yrs of money. If so, no Medicaid until its spent down.

I know believe me it is so overwhelming. Look at it this way, you are not doing the day to day care. So u have some of your life back. I hated the financial part too. Hate writing checks and keeping records. I don't have Memory cares where I live. Its ALs or nursing homes. I guess Mom private pays for her care?

If Mom just went in give her and you time to adjust. I still washed Moms clothes, once a week but u can allow the MC. Moms AL allowed family to use the facilities. Could do this why you visit. Yes, still responsible for her personal needs, Depends and toiletries. But...someone else is now doing the "clean up". You don't have to visit every day. Her days just go into the next. So she doesn't know if u have been a certain day or not. You can take a vacation or a few days away. Your Mom is safe, clean and fed.

You are going to have to let go of siblings not being there. Hopefully you don't have a house to deal with. I do. Mom has been gone since Sept , 2017. The house is 125 yrs old and run down. Not selling and now with no one living there I am paying utilities.

Me too and I can’t find a way out.

My parents are both in memory care and I have been doing caregiving on some level for around the same time as you... 7 years.

It does help to have them in memory care as there is no way I could care for them both at home... much of the day to day is off my shoulders.

However.... the RESPONSIBILITY of. them is still on my shoulders..anything could happen.. one or both could get sick and end up in the emergency room at any moment, they could become belligerent or something could change in their mental status... you just never know. I'm still always on guard for that next disaster that could turn my life upside down....this responsibility is never ending.

In addition to their personal care is financial.. dealing with bills, taxes, their property... etc.. this is also never ending.

Some think I have it easy with them in memory care..yes..easier in some areas...but that giant responsibility is always there... no matter where they are. I have hired lots of people along the way to help.. but it never quite takes that weight of the responsibility away...

Anyway.. I could see how someone would want to escape this.. even with them in a memory care... after years and years and years dealing with dementia and all that goes with it.

Can you think of any of the tasks you perform that you could outsource to someone? Can you hire someone to go visit for you and report on how your mom is doing so you can take a real break? Can you hire a care manager to shepherd your Mom's Medicaid application through the system? (We did. It's worth every penny.) Can you hire someone to monitor her finances? What other tasks can you off load?
There are websites where you can list a job. They have jobs like "take me to the colonoscopy and wait with me" so I bet there would be someone there who could perform some of the tasks you have to do and lighten your load a bit.

I noticed, when I was looking after my mother and my cousin was looking after hers, that even though mine was at home and hers was in long term care my cousin didn't seem much less stressed than I was. Different stresses, but not less.

So I don't blame you for a second. But, just in this moment, has anything in particular been the last straw?

Can you start researching Medicaid requirements, getting together the materials to make the application? It might be wise to talk to an attorney experienced in Medicaid requirements. Does the facility have a social worker who could help you?  Seems you might at least have some time to work on this.  Otherwise, I expect you could resign from your POA, but be sure to do it according to your local legal requirements.  Then let the state take over.

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