bloomschool Posted November 12, 2017

I think the emotional stress of losing my mother is still affecting me and perhaps I’m not ready for a major move to a new state at this time. I need your advice.

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Well I took a road trip to the state I was thinking of moving to. Drove 2 days. I have 3 days of appointments to look at apartments. So now that I am here, I am not sure I want to move and start all over again! All the hassles of moving, etc. the landscape here is beautiful, cost of living is cheaper. But I am struck by the fact that I don’t know a single soul here. And I can’t say that I want to move. Or that I have the energy to do it. And I’m rethinking if I want to live in the city. Starting to think I want a quieter life. And since I’ve been a renter, I’d like to have my own place, maybe buy a condo or mobile home. I think the emotional stress of losing my mother is still affecting me and perhaps I’m not ready for a major move to a new state at this time. Maybe after a good nights rest I’ll be thinking clearer in the morning. I really need some advice. Thanks.

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golden23 Nov 18, 2017
bloom, as good an idea as it is to set certain times of day to grieve, it may be too early to expect that you will be able to do that. In a grief group, I was told for the few years you live your life around your grief, and after that you live your grief around your life. When I lost my youngest son it was about 3 years. The timing for that will vary according to who you are and the nature of the relationship to the person you lost. You had a very significant relationship ,with your mother and I would expect a year or two of heavy grieving tapering off to more occasional though you will always miss her. - just my estimation. I think will be sad most of the day for the next few ,months anyway. It may be more realistic right now to plan certain times of the day to put your mind on other things, then gradually increase that. I don't think there is any way to detour around the grieving and sadness. On the other hand a ceremony or prayer is a great idea and should help you. They are part of the work of grieving. Any way to express your feelings will help - talk, write, paint, cry...

I think your plans to get a location and living space which suits you better are great and also starting to paint again, a part time job etc. I imagine that will mean getting rid if the furniture you have now which may be more difficult than you anticipate.

One step at a time. I agree with Tacy - a grief counsellor or a grief group would help you. Not pushing yourself too much is good.
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bloomschool Nov 18, 2017
So that's a good question tacy022. What will I do when I move. Well, one thing is to live in an easier environment smaller city. Then I want to start painting again, maybe take a class. I don't have room where I live now, a tiny apartment to start painting. Just enough room to walk around furniture. I want to drive around the new state and see beautiful scenery. My state I live in now is flat, boring, not very attractive. I want to get back involved in my faith. I want to get a part time job. I like the new area because it is full of hills, valleys, rivers, beautiful area, and less traffic. Where I live now, I have to time my trips so as not to get stuck in a traffic jam. And can't afford to go downtown because it costs so much to park. The new area is very livable. So this is a good question. I'll have to give it more thought.

And as far as renting, that is the plan, I've already contacted a place and am on the waiting list.

So now, I just want to sit back and not push myself so much and when the time comes, move.
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bloomschool Nov 18, 2017
Yes I miss my mother very much and it’s sad and difficult to understand death. Someone is here for you ones whole life and in the blink of an eye they are gone. It dawned on me this morning to allow myself certain times during the day to think of her. Maybe in the form of a ceremony or prayer. And the rest of my day go about living my life. This way I won’t be sad all day.
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pamzimmrrt Nov 17, 2017
Try renting in the new area for a short time, see what you feel, and if its a good fit then look at buying something. That way you are not locked in if it's not a good fit!
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tacy022 Nov 17, 2017
Just out of curiosity, what will you do once you just pack up and move. What do you want to accomplish? Can you restart a career?

Packing up and just ditching your present life may be just a temporary solution. You may want to get grief counseling to help you cope with your feelings.

If you do leave your area, make a plan so you dont get into the same rut you are in now. It is alot easier to get on with the future once you dump baggage from the past.
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bloomschool Nov 17, 2017
I think my overall feeling is that I don't belong in this area where I live. And it's time to move. Time to move on in my life.
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golden23 Nov 16, 2017
bloom - you will have moments of sadness where ever you are for quite a while. My father died over 40 years ago and I still feel it sometimes.

Maybe you don't need to improve yourself as much as you feel you need to, but to accept yourself as you are for now. I am not suggesting that personal growth stop permanently, but give yourself a break from the self analysis! 

It is healthier to move towards something rather than just escaping something. I see, even in this short time, you are feeling your feelings and evaluating your situation, and I think that is good, Aiming at a nice modern condo or apartment sounds great as a start. I, myself, am contemplating a change and finding as I slowly move through stages of figuring it out, what I want, what is good for me, and what is reasonably possibly is becoming clearer. I started with an idea and am modifying it as I go along through the planning process.

Be aware that grieving is a rollercoaster ride. You may want to seek out a grieving group. Others will understand what you are going through. Certain times hit harder than others. 3 months 6, 9 and a year as well as special occasions like birthdays and holidays. You need to look after you. ((((((hugs)))))
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bloomschool Nov 16, 2017
True, memories are always with us. I did have moments of sadness when visiting my potential new home. Also, I should mention, I've been wanting to leave where I live now, for several years. And wanting to move back to where I grew up before my mother got sick. So it's a long standing wish of mine. But also, I realize there might be a desire to escape my present life. A wish for something better. I don't know how to simply accept and appreciate the life I have now and the home I have now. I am grateful for what I have, grateful on a daily basis, but I am always pushing myself for more and better. I have this ridiculous feeling that I need to improve myself, all the time. Either my internal life, or trying to live in a nicer place. The place I have now is a dumpy vintage apartment, all I really want is a nice modern apartment.
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bloomschool Nov 16, 2017
That's very good advice tacy022. I will think about what you said. The other issue is I have nothing where I presently live either. Family is all gone, friends have died, my career ended. I feel like a stranger where I live. I have a couple of friends 25 miles north of me, but other than that, I am alone here, after 45 years of living here. So true, if I move, I am still alone. So that's what I am weighing, trying to clarify my feelings.
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Rainmom Nov 16, 2017
The thing about memories is that they go with you wherever you are. Well, at least until the dementia sets in...
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