My participation in this forum has changed my perception of those of you who just cannot visit your parent in MC, or are resentful of caring for your parent at home because of your family history. Because my situation was different (my wife, not a parent), I didn't comment much on parent child relationships. Now, after reading many posts in this forum over the last 9 months concerning parent child relationships, I decided I would.

My wife was in MC for 15 months and it certainly wasn't all smooth sailing. I visited her no less than every other day because I had to. We were married for 52 years and I am who I am because of her. Every visit brought me anxiety and uncertainty. I never knew what I was in for. Some days she was pleasant, some days angry, some days in tears. So despite my commitment to going and my love for her, it wasn't easy. When I visited, though, I noticed hardly any other MC resident would have a visitor, certainly not regularly. I thought, “how can this be?”, how can families neglect their LOs at this time? Now, having read many relationship posts in this forum, I begin to understand the reasons for not wanting to visit. Hearing stories of poor or bad family relationships, abusive, alcoholic or absent parents, has made me realize not all families are alike in their care for one another. So I get it now and I totally support those who just cannot visit their parents because “parents” they never were. So whatever you find your current relationship to be and however you work out your visits, or even if you don't visit, I support you.

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Great post.

Every person in a NH or some kind of facility has a backstory. We all want to think the best of everyone we meet and often, when we meet someone who has been 'dumped' we immediately feel anger at their families. Esp if they seem to never be present.

Well--being in the position that my MIL, next time she falls, will be placed against her will in a NH---and knowing ahead of time she is going to raise holy heck over it--and knowing people will judge my DH and his sis very, very harshly...well, she made this bed by being such a pill and while I don't think anyone deserves to be miserable--she's going to be. She's miserable AT HOME, where she is slowly killing her daughter--a NH will save my sweet SIL from more anxiety and grief.

We have a memory care facility in our neighborhood and we see the patients run the gamut from sweet to absolutely awful. Our neighborhood has 'adopted' the ones who don't have family that visits and it usually takes one or two visits to figure out exactly why they are there alone.

Cautionary tales, I guess.

Thank you for seeing more than one side without judgment.

Life isn’t always simple. It is often complicated and some people talk about it, others are private.

There is no right or wrong in many matters. Nothing is one size fits all.

I know a man professionally who loves and respects his mother very much, but still had to place her in a nursing home due to increasing needs which he could not meet. I was shocked to hear him say that HE visits his mother every single day (pre-covid), but it's the other nursing home residents who had "obviously been dumped there." It's bad enough that those of us who have had to seek placement are faced with judgment every day, but this man should have understood the dynamics involved! I'm glad that he was able and willing to visit his mom every day. However, others are not able to make such visits or are no longer willing to attempt it. Some people have no family left or communication is so broken that it's more like "I think I have a great aunt in a nursing home somewhere" but no one seems to know exactly. I personally am so broken from my caregiving journey and I've been so marginalized by people who used to say they love me, that I visit the nursing home quite rarely. I gave my all when I was hands-on and I don't have anything left now. LO and her "supporters" blame me for the situation, so why make the effort? I do take care of finances, care conferences, and I make sure she has what she needs. But for every person who has no visitors, there is a corresponding story or situation. SJP: Thank you for highlighting this issue and I do find your posts helpful.

Thank you. I am still trying to recover from a visit to my mother’s MC a month ago.
My mother DOES NOT want to see me. Visits end with me being in tears.
At this point, I am in email and text contact with her caregivers. I make sure that she is well cared for, and is stocked up on all of the items that need to be bought for her to live comfortably there.
I appreciate your post, Sjp.

I think your statement is profound, really, because it shows that a forum such as this one opens our minds which are often closed and filled with preconceived notions about all sorts of things. How things 'should be' vs. reality, for instance. It's easy to pass judgement on what others 'should be' doing when in reality, we don't have any of the background information to base that judgement ON!

Hearing all these stories gives us a better perspective as we get a peek into the personal lives of the poster.

What strikes me most is that we're all trying. We're doing our best to care for and help our loved ones to the best of our limited abilities.

Some of us go above and beyond, while others do a bit less. Those who do less may wind up worrying 100x more than those going above and beyond physically.

It all boils down to this: we're here on this forum asking for and getting help with difficult situations we find ourselves in. If we didn't care, we wouldn't even be here to begin with.

God bless all of us and give us the strength & fortitude to do this for another day. And bless YOU for a wonderful post.

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