I started home health aide today to assist my husband who has many medical issues. What a blessing for me!

I'm new to the forum but I wanted to share that after four years of verbal abuse and my husband not wanting to do his exercises or take care of himself in a variety of ways, I started home health today. A young woman in her early twenties, who was selected for her personality and the care my husband needs, visited us for the first time along with the home health nurse. She was able to get him to do more in three hours than I have in several months! My husband is used to me doing practically everything for him but we had a recent conversation about the need for help and what to expect. One thing I calmly told him was that I had lovingly cared for him through two different cancers and treatment, Colitis, rehab, heart issues and now a Parkinson diagnosis. And what I got in return was feeling like an employee or servant. Because he chose not to do what the professionals asked him to do at home, he was now going to have to pay for assistance out of his retirement money because I was physically and emotionally exhausted. And that it was his choice to either do the exercises that PT, OT and all the doctors suggested or he could pay his aide to visit and do nothing. My husband apologized and said he would try to stop taking his anger out on me as he had been, and would even go to therapy as a couple. I love my husband and have tried to be the loving, caring and understanding partner he needs, but I have allowed myself to be a door mat and now realize that I'm hurting us both. It wasn't until I stood up for myself that I began feeling like I had control in my life again. I have been seeing a therapist who helped me discover I'm grieving the loss of who the man I married was, we are both grieving the loss of our hopes and dreams of what we thought our retirement together would be, and I'm missing the gentleness and thoughtfulness he used to show me. She also helped me realize we're on a different journey now but we can still be a loving couple with a positive future together. Lumps and bumps along the way of course but we don't have to let his medical issues ruin the rest of our life together. I'm sharing this first communication because I've seen many, many caregivers keep on giving and taking until there isn't anything left of themselves. It's as if we feel guilty to do something for ourselves, or that something dreadful will happen to our partners if we leave the house for anything other than a doctor appointment or grocery run. I've chosen not to lose myself in this situation any more. It's ok to ask for help from friends, family, relatives, and church members as most (not all) will do whatever you ask. Be specific about the help you need and don't say "We're fine, but thank you" and keep slogging through the day until you make yourself sick. It's also ok to take care of yourself and engage in a physical activity for exercise, enjoy coffee with friends away from the care receiver, have a spa day, play a round of golf, enjoy your church services even if he/she doesn't want to go with you, and give the mental health professionals a visit too. Find your joy again! Most churches have counselors available at no charge if you don't have the insurance or financial resources of your own to cover the cost of a therapist. This first communication may sound very Polly Anna - ish, but my intention is to share that what I found in therapy , and home health, may be just what you need to continue with what's ahead. Don't go it alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.