I screamed at the sick person...

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...and I feel SO bad. This whole bowel thing with Dad is starting to take its toll on my nerves. We've literally done EVERYTHING we can to make him comfortable, but he can't understand that HE'S MAKING IT WORSE!!!!


Hospice increased his Ativan to try to deal with the real issue --- his HEAD, and I get it. Hemorrhoids are painful for a person without cognitive decline. I can't imagine going through it with a constant state of confusion. If they had Wifi in the rooms at the AL, I literally would sit with him and keep him out of the bathroom, but I can't take a day off work to monitor his poop!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!


So this morning, I honestly "forced" him to go to the Adult Day Center. We've missed two weeks this month and that's just money down the drain. My hope is that he will get distracted and forget about his silly bowels.


...so today when he said "I have to go" I literally screamed. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO!!!! SIT DOWN AND BE STILL!!!!! Of course this caused tears and apologies. When he said he didn't want to go to the center, I kinda snapped. I (pointlessly) explained that he's going to need to get used to going to the center because we're moving, and without him going to the ADC a couple days a week, I wouldn't be able to move him. I went on and on about how expensive The ALF is and that if we can't work out the ADC / At Home Split, he's going to have to go to a nursing home...


REALLY?!?! Did I really just do that?


So I feel awful. First, I made him feel bad. I know he's not doing this on purpose in my head, but it sure seems that way sometimes. How convenient is it that he happens to feel bad on ADC days EVERY week? Maybe it's the new incontinence thing and the fact that I've been putting in extra hours at the part time job in anticipation of this move (I'm hiring movers this time).


... tough morning

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It does happen sometimes when you just can't handle your emotions. It also really needs patience when you are dealing with sick patients.
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Don't be too hard on yourself. You really are under a great deal of stress, and a person can only take so much. Once blessing could be that he probably won't remember very much of your conversation.
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ive never spoke really loud to my mom or dad. but I know ive been pushy and bossy. and then I have felt like a bad person. it makes you want to cry. or like rocketjcat says, makes you feel like crap!

they're my parents and it feels wrong for me to be like that to them.

but they aren't what they used to be... (my dads gone, but im talking about before)

give yourself a break. whatever you did or said, You learn for the next time. somehow you have to keep moving forward. your situation is just frustrating and you are doing the best you can. everybody makes mistakes. im sure your dad knows that you care so much for him.
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I’m so sorry you lost your cool with your dad. It happens though. I have done it too with my wonderful mom and it’s awful and I felt like a piece of crap afterward. I’m not a hugely religious person but now every day I take a moment in my car before I go into her NH to gather my thoughts, take a deep breath, and ask for patience, and help making good decisions. I know this one minute of quiet reflection has helped me and if I find myself getting impatient or cross, I recognize it and try to back off.
But back to the issues at hand, if his hemorrhoids are the source of his discomfort can they be removed in the Dr office? I have found a wonderful cream I use when I’m sore from “issues” brought on by diverticulitis called Calmoseptin. I get it on amazon. It soothes and stops pain and may help. I never leave home without it.
I know you don’t want to hang around monitoring poop all day but maybe you could buy a WiFi hotspot for your computer which may come in handy or take the pressure off you if indeed you’re stuck there. I would go crazy if my iPad couldnt connect to the internet while I’m at the NH. They have guest WiFi but it doesn’t reach her room, so I pay extra to have it through my phone.
Your Dad is so lucky to have you.
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