I said no to my Mom today...

It’s very important when you are a caregiver, or even share caregiving with someone to maintain your personal identity. It took me a long time to learn to say no to my husband. He is not demanding as such, just has me under a microscope.

You didn’t have a question, but what you said is very important. Doing things for yourself when you are a caregiver is crucial to maintaining your sanity.

Bravo!!
So good that you did that for yourself. You may have made yourself so available that your mom forgets that you have thoughts of your own.
Mom doesn’t drive but does she go with on the errands? Does she handle the tasks when she gets to the store? If so, why can’t she use Uber? No need to wait for your day off.
I get it that you want to help out sister but you get no time off!
Does she stay overnight at your home on the days you have her?
Here’s to more sunny days on your deck.
Your mom is a lucky woman.

DO NOT feel guilty about this. You have every right to have time to yourself, just as your siblings do when you have Mom for your time with her.

You did the right thing - Mom needs to understand there are boundaries, and if you don't set them, they'll never be honored. That's not to say that she won't at some point in the future forget what those boundaries are, but for now, keep those boundaries so you have some time to yourself.

I am curious as to why you and your sister have to do all the caregiving. Why do your brothers do nothing?

Good for you! It is important to have boundaries. We have to recognize our own needs. I never said no to my parents and it just lead to anger and resentment.

CTTN55, I blame the previous generation, our parents. They expected nothing from their boys. Girls are the cargivers. There are cultures that still feel this way. We have members that are taking care of husbands parent or parents. The husband does nothing. It doesn't just mean boys, lots a siblings don't do for parents but are there to get their share when parents pass. Sad.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I'd go bonkers if I worked and had my mom on all of my days off. You sisters need to get on your brothers to step up to help or to pay you to get some help for mom. But you did a good thing for yourself by setting some limits with mom. Keep doing that!

JoAnn29: " I blame the previous generation, our parents. They expected nothing from their boys. Girls are the caregivers. There are cultures that still feel this way. We have members that are taking care of husbands parent or parents. The husband does nothing. It doesn't just mean boys, lots a siblings don't do for parents but are there to get their share when parents pass. Sad."

Yes, I know this is often what the parents expect. I just wish the victims (the daughters) would simply refuse to bear the burden of elder caregiving alone. I wish they would start a revolution of sorts; just simply refuse to do it without the males helping out.

I say hooray and it’s about time. You didn’t ask advice but I do think those sons of hers should step up. Perhaps rotating the weekends with you. But regardless, I’m so glad you recognized you need time to rejuvenate and take care of your own needs. You are every bit as important! In fact next time just tell your mom you are unavailable on "these days" this month because you have other plans. Put it on her calendar in advance and take the day off. Most errands are not that important. I often order things online for my dad and have them sent to him. Easy!

I can't tell you the number of daughters I have heard say the same thing about brothers. I am sure it must be hard to break cultural and generational issues, but I agree with those who commented that it's time to break the mold. If your mother stays with the caregiver, maybe you could try telling your brothers when their day is and that you'll be dropping her off. Then do it. I don't want to presume others' situations, but it is ridiculous that male family members don't pull their weight.

Easier said than done to get others to help.  I applaud you for saying no. That is so hard to do. Someone here once said “look after their needs, not necessarily their wants”, which is exactly what you did. Bravo!

Am sure your sister is feeling the stress like you are. Giving her a 3-day break at the expense of you having a 0-day break from responsibilities isn’t good for you. Didn’t that 1 day feel great? If you feel uncomfortable giving yourself 1 day every week, perhaps start with every other week?

I have 3 daughters, onelives 32 miles from me and says with going to work every day she cannot affor to come to the house one day to help, the other daughter says she runs ragged during the week so need he sleep week ends.. the youngest bless her heart somes Monday thru Friday to help and now have an aide thue. and thur to help. hopefully will have an aide the rest of the time. he is on hospice so can now make my dr. appointments as needed or to go shopping. looks lke things are coming together. the volunteers from hospice are life savers.

I bet there were more than a few times when you wanted something done, or taken somewhere and your Mom said...that nasty word...NO to you as well.
Do you think she felt guilty? Maybe but probably not. She had things to do, maybe she read a book at some point as well, once you figured you could ride your bike to wherever you wanted her to drive you to, and were out of the house for a few hours.
There is a quote by Elanore Roosevelt..."Nobody can make your feel inferior without your consent" I think it is the same way as feeling guilt. It is your choice to have those feelings or not.
I am sure there are plenty of things that you do for your Mom. I am sure that she appreciates them weather or not she acknowledges them or not. I am sure you did not acknowledge everything your Mom did for you when you were young either.
It is part of feeling of love and trust that you know someone is there for you, will be there in a time of "crisis" and if need be will drop everything in an emergency. Running a few errands is not an emergency. I bet if she were ill, had a fall, were taken to the hospital you would not have sat on the deck reading a book.
Your Mom has already forgotten you said NO that time and has moved on.
Give her a hug next time you see her, tell her you love her, and life goes on.

By the way I think we all need to be told NO more often it builds character, self reliance and reminds us we don't always get what we want and to appreciate what we have. 

This reminded me of a time a few years ago, when Mum asked me to take her out, I had decided I needed time to myself, so I said, no, I was sorry, I couldn’t today, but I’d be round tomorrow.
I was doing my own thing, although feeling a bit guilty, when I got a phone call from the ambulance service! Mum had decided, since I wouldn’t take her, that she would go out by herself (which she had stopped doing), she had fallen against a railing and 2 spikes on the railing had gouged her head, so she needed to go to the hospital for stitches. Goodness, did I feel guilty then.

Congrats, Anybody! You took a well-earned step toward sanity and respect. I have a similar mother and first said no to her last August. Nothing bad happened. In fact, my life got easier as she seems to respect my time a bit more now that there are boundaries. I am proud of you.

Good for you! You need to gently tell her that you just need time for you!

I have been caring for parents in various forms for a few years. I find there are at least 3 different jobs needed. Organization of insurance, banking, and Medicare. All of this is usually on the internet now. I have all that job which involves project management skills basically and time. There are personal needs day-to-day like cleaning, laundry, errands, home maintenance or dealing with the assisted living. There is companionship which is often gotten by requesting errands, etc. Then there is $money$. Have brothers who don't want to spend time with companionship manage some of the other stuff. Or give you money for uber rides, house cleaners or laundry. I have one friend who has 4 siblings and they manage beautifully. Brothers mostly take her to lunch and provide companionship. All split costs. One handles doctor visits. Of course, in my family I have dysfunction that won't go away. I have a brother who cares and a brother who has sibling rivalry issues with me and will not work "with" me. Your mom will probably love the independence of using uber. Even my 84 yr old mom will uber it to the doctor. I arrange the rides for her.

AOT I am extremely pleased to read of a caregiver taking the day off to read! Excellent. So you should :)

The only thing is, though. If you'd mentioned to your mother that you were busy that day, perhaps she wouldn't have taken it for granted that you'd accept her To Do list. Do set boundaries, yes, please do; but also do what's normal, and communicate.

And ugh brothers!

Good for you. You do need a day to yourself so don't feel guilty. Your mental health is just as important as your Mom's errands.

Have no guilt...just bask in the fact that WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND. I think it was out of bounds and pout of line to TELL HER YOU HAD TOO MUCH TO DO! This was a direct bomb to the face that your Mother was not all that important and that whatever you had in mind was more important. Remember, the HONOR THY MOTHER comes with a promise, and these days all of us stand in the need of anyone or anything supernatural promising long life and wellness in our lives! GET YOURSELF IN THE CAR AND RUN THOSE ERRANDS. One day, you will wish you had!

IT IS PAST TIME FOR THE BROTHERS TO HELP - you & sis need to have a family meeting sooner than later with them to get some help - I bet nobody ever told them to help in an explicit way & don't expect men to realize it unless it is made clear or they trip over it

Your mom is still quite mobile but this may lessen in the future & you both will need the boys to help even more - speak with sis & be a united front when you confront those guys - don't accept excuses of 'I'm too busy', 'I don't know how' or other whining because you/sis are busy too & deserve a life that doesn't leave you feeling a bit guilty about taking some time to read a book you have had for 4 1/2 months

Give them a choice of this and/or that from a long list because don't expect them to come up with something on their own [seeing this list may open their eyes & put everything on it down to the laundry] - make a start somewhere you can add later - one of them can take her on an errand run with 5 stops every Sat. & the other can take her to church on Sun. or out for a drive to lunch at a special restaurant so during that time you can get time for yourself or for getting caught up & not feel so frazzled so your time with her has better quality - it is that they pony up time for mom & you don't need to say 'because I have a dentist appointment' for 1 off help this should be regular on their part

Years ago I said to my husband that our son was going to learn to clean a fridge then he said 'that's not a boy's job' to which I answered 'he eats food from that fridge doesn't he?' .... end of discussion - your brothers probably never were asked to help but as long as they are on the right side of the grass then they can learn to pitch in - don't let them do it badly to get out of helping [which some guys do on purpose] rather say you will supervise until they get it right ... no adult male wants his sister 'supervising' him so he won't pull this & will learn fast

Maybe part of '#metoo' should be '#youtoo' where the men stop saying 'that's woman's work' [usually something a bit nasty or time consuming or repetious] because the only true woman's work is breastfeeding everything else can be done by both sexes [except standing to pee ... LOL] - it is time for the ladies to hand the vacuum, mop and broom to the gents

Bravo, moecam!

Coppertino. What got your knickers in a knot? Or are you a guilt troll?

Honor your mother does not mean be a martyr

Good for the OP claiming some personal time. For a long time I jumped when my mother claimed my time. I learned to set boundaries and my mother sort of learned them. If it's an emergency, I just go, but otherwise it's on my schedule. I still give plenty of time and it sounds like the OP does too.

moecam, I LOVE it! The #youtoo movement! And let its start be in regards to elder caregiving!

AnyodyOutThere, how about MAKING your brothers help out? Can you and your sister present a unified front to those lazy do-nothings?

Good for you, we all need respite time for ourselves. It is called setting boundaries.

Something I don't think I have seen addressed here. Everyone mentions brothers stepping up to the plate. It seems to me, it would be the Sister-in-Laws that probably would be doing the actual work. Since it is usually the women who do the socializing, scheduling, and housework like we do, How about asking the Sister-in-Laws if they could take mom for a little while. If they aren't on board, the men aren't going to go against the women they sleep with. It didn't help me when my mother was alive, but it might help some of you.

Men should step up and assist with care of elderly parents! Why not ?? In my over 40 years of working in eldercare, I saw only daughters or daughters-in-law taking responsibility. A very few males involved. Hey, this is your mother too(or Dad)

Gender issues with husbands and brothers are hard to shake as well as unfair. I was heavily into each of us doing everything, until I married again to a farmer who did work I simply couldn’t do. I can now see better how we got socialised into this bind. A lot of us are only three generations away from a farm.

Getting brothers to be ‘carers’ can be a very hard call. Getting mothers to raise their expectations of brothers can be just as hard. Perhaps specific jobs would be easier to transfer. If they organised the shopping, or drop off and pick up at the hairdressers, at least you might have a more enjoyable time with your mother. Driving does at least rate better as a ‘boy thing’. Mother might think of grocery shopping as ‘getting out’ but I bet you don’t enjoy it all that much. Perhaps you might manufacture your own difficulties in driving, parking, twisting to look backwards etc? If you think some of the suggested 'family meeting' approaches are too hard, some small things could help and also bring your brothers into the loop more generally.

Don't tell her when you have a "new" day off. That way she won't know and you can keep it to yourself and not feel guilty about it. And I have worthless brothers, too. God Bless you, girl!

Last I checked this was a support group not a judgement group. It amazes me every time someone will post an admonition  that you are an awful daughter for not "honoring your mother". To that I call BS. To that person, you do what feels right to you and don’t criticize what another poster what feels is right for her. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and self care. I’m sure her mother did it too when her daughters asked for a favor. Mothers do not always bend over backwards for their kids. My mom said "no" to me plenty of times. They only bend over backwards if they don’t have a spine. Have another lovely day off AOT! (Smile and high five)

First hats off to those men who DO assist (sons, son-in-laws, brothers, friends, dads, husbands, etc.) Although there are a lot less of them who get into any part of this care-giving, they are out there! Kudos to you guys!!!

Secondly, I agree with those who said you can honor your mother without kow-towing to her. Growing up I believe NO is one of the first words we learn!!! There are plenty of NOs we get over the years from our mothers and fathers. Saying no outright all the time is not the answer, but OP did not do this all the time - she took a sanity day. Same thing many of us do when work and other issues take a toll and you take a "sick" day just to unwind. Errands can be deferred (not emergencies though.)

As for my brothers - almost useless. Our mother has been moved to MC from her condo, so none of us actually took her in to care for her. After the first place we looked at and they found out the cost, BOTH of them said "Gee, for that price I'LL take her in..." Neither had ANY idea what that would entail. Despite trying to share what I learned, neither was very receptive, one even calling me a "know-it-all." I can ASSURE everyone here that probably within one month (or less!) they would throw in the towel!!! As for all that I take care of? The younger (other POA) does not manage his own affairs/finances very well, I cannot envision him handling any of this properly! The other has no POA, in addition to not living local, so many items cannot be handled (for instance without POA he can't manage the bank account, cannot get medical info, or order her meds online.) He also has no clue about the Medicaid issues if you spend anything of hers for yourself (he has periodically told me to take some from the trust we set up for myself. Despite informing him, he still continues to suggest I pay myself and 1) this is not documented anywhere and 2) Just NO. The trust may not last long enough, in which case we would have to rely on Medicaid and taking those funds would be a huge problem!

I had been doing my research when I suspected dementia was creeping in, so I was aware of where this would go and KNEW I could not care for her (physical would be bad enough, not doable, and my house would not be accommodating, but she has also long been able to drive me batty, sometimes in very short order, so no way Jose will she be moving in with me.)

One brother is 10 years younger, so still must work. What are you going to do with her all day and at night too? The other has periodically picked up employment although he is now over SS FRA. Even if he stopped working, he is not local and would have no idea how to care for her (during this latest visit, he rebuffed suggestions to just go visit her!! He does not know how to interact with her!!!) nor would we be able to "spell" him (2 day drive.)

The scary part is the younger one and I are POA, but I have been doing everything and it IS becoming an issue (there is a lot to do even when not caring hands-on.) The condo has been sitting for almost a year and a half because I cannot get them to help me clear it out. Older brother came up (again) to get this done, the other has done very little. We did not even get a full week in when that 'visiting/assisting' brother physically man-handled me, so I ordered him out of my house, and have NO intention to have ANY contact after that incident. I had thought that he had outgrown his verbal and physical abusive nature while we were growing up - guess I thought wrong (I also confirmed with someone else that this is NOT the first time, or even second time he has done this to someone.)  The plan was to go over the list of things I manage with both of them  and come up with a plan, at least for the case of something happening to me, but even better to offload some things. CLUELESS THE TWO OF THEM!!! So I have a list, with some explanations, but it needs to be done in person and that plan fell apart after I had to kick him out. Often I cannot even get a text response from the other brother. 
:-|

The killer is when I show up to visit mom or take her to appointments, there are two questions I get every time: "What are you doing here?" and "Where did you come from?" So, brother comes to visit, and doesn't mom fawn all over him, her first born darling baby boy!!! I don't want her fawning over me, but it does feel like a smack in the face to see what he gets vs what I get.

So yeah, there are a lot of men out there than need to "man up" and help provide something for their parent(s). It may never be even, but every little thing someone else can take on helps to spread that burden out. The OPs mom has errands to run? Sheeeet, those "boys" can drive and haul whatever is purchased just as well or better than we "girls." They can take mom to hairdresser or doctor, THAT is not women's work. It is just something that needs to be done. In my case, one brother cannot provide that help since he is not local (and I do NOT want him around anymore now!!), the other bitches about the time off from work to run the doctor appointments or whatever (there are no real "errands" that can be run.) It would be difficult to split out the financials and other paperwork, but he *should* be working with me in the event that he needs to take over (he is the only other POA.) Of course I do believe that he only visits on those special days when I try to "coordinate" us to be there (birthdays, Christmas, Mother's day, etc.) If I did not do this, who knows if he'd even go there?!?!?!?! It is clear already that the other likely would not visit much (if at all) if he WAS local. I don't even have a good or special relationship with mom, but if it were not for me being proactive and taking charge of things, more than likely the condo would be in serious trouble AND mom would be dead already.