I'm just saying think twice about caregiving and why you're thinking of doing it. I wish I'd never done this. I ruined my health, finances and happiness. Mom has only thought of herself and I never saw it until I became her caregiver. All my life I tried to get her to love me. Even ruining your life for her didn't do it. I hate my life every day now that I'm stuck in this. It's just untenable and I can't do it anymore.
I put the caregivers who post on at least an equal footing with the elders who are the recipients of the care. In many cases, I put the caregiver's wellbeing as a higher priority, since the caregiver has often been shortchanged (even abused) on a physical/mental/emotional/financial level for quite a while. We often see the scapegoat child posting here, who can't seem to get out of misplaced FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). Often there are sibs who do nothing. The caregiving slave child doesn't see that they have that choice to be uninvolved, also.
It's not uncommon for the enslaved caregiver to expect something when the parent dies. They may have been promised something (often the house), but it isn't in writing, or it may get to the point where the parent has to be placed, and then the house becomes an asset taken by Medicaid. Sometimes the enslaved child comes to find out that the uninvolved sibs inherit the house, and they aren't even in the will.
So many sad cases, but every once in a while there are posters who really read and process all the wonderful advice that is given here, and are able to make the necessary changes to their situation to greatly improve their lives.
I tell you this not for pity but to say WAKE UP. Life is short and each day matters. You don't know what tomorrow holds, so make the most of today. Your life is not ruined unless you don't do something about the mistake you made taking on the role of caring for your mother. The only love you need right now is enough SELF LOVE to apply for Medicaid and get mother placed.
Please do that right away. You deserve to live the rest of your days loving yourself and your life as you were meant to.
Sending hugs, love and support your way. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
I hope that you find a viable solution for your situation.
I know and understand everything you're saying because I lived it too, my friend.
Placing her in a care facility is what's best for you both.
As for making long posts that go on, that's okay. You post as long and often as you like. It's good for you and that's what we're all here for.
For understanding that others sometimes are just incapable of giving you what you need, I find Dr. Laura Schleshinger's podcast "call of the day" a wonder. She cuts right to the chase with those who need love. We ALL need love. But sometimes the very folks we seek it from are the ones least capable by their own limitations to give it. We are all very flawed animals, but our empathy helps us to keep trying.
So just hang in there, and welcome to Forum.
We do things thinking we can change a relationship dynamic, but both people need to understand the patterns they've been following, and they both need to put in the work. You don't have that here, so it's very reasonable (and healthy) to disengage.
Once you're able to get mom away do yourself a favor and go 'no contact' for a bit. Good luck!
AlvaDeer -- your last paragraph is something I'll be thinking about for a while. Although being of service to my mom didn't work, something else may. And it also sort of makes me pity my mom a bit instead of just being sad and angry. Perhaps she is also a victim of something in her past.
Marya
PS: I went through the Medicaid app process on behalf of my dad in 2013. He had Alzheimer's and became violent toward anyone who touched him. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a month after my dad died in November 2015. Like you I am now my mother's sole caregiver. She was a wonderful mom and remains kind and considerate, but it is STILL extremely hard to care for her and deal with the nonstop questions, repetition, health problems, bathing, bathroom, etc etc. And I have two siblings who have zero willingness to do anything for her or me except visit for 45 minutes every few months. (One of my siblings lives 4 miles from us.)
Guilt is so tricky as it is a self-imposed emotion and keeps one stuck in limbo. It is a trap the only way out is to reframe your thinking, you don't need her approval or love to be happy, it is up to you turn this thought process around.
Keep up with the therapy, there is an answer hidden deep within you as to why you need her approval so desperately.
Sending support your way.
Running away, of course, isn't an option when you own your own home. It is your mother, who has already once been in care, who will again have to seek a place to live; you will be able to assist her in that.
As to the siblings, it would seem they have made the best choice for their own lives, and have long known they are not going to be able to deal with your mother. There is no reason they should, and no reason to expect they ever will. Let them get on with their lives and take a page from their own books in getting on with your own.
It is wonderful that you have written here, and I think your writing serves as a warning to many. You mention a wolf in sheeps clothing, which is a cute way to put it, but the truth is that LIVING with someone is a good deal different than visiting, and different from the magical thinking we can build in our own minds of a mutually supportive environment. I greatly love and admire my partner, but it is difficult enough to live with someone we greatly love and admire, let alone someone we are not really a match with.
Again, I am so glad you've the support of a good therapist. I know there are more than a few who will only listen to the same story over and over, not saying much but having the hand out for monetary remuneration. I had one friend who told me "My therapist says that I will need therapy all my life" and I responded "Then either she's not good at her job or you are a total mess". A good therapist will shake our world, will shatter our habitual way of thinking, and will force us to explore other ways.
I wish you the very best of luck ongoing. Better you move mom in and move in a PAYING roommate, than that you live in this unhappy abode. I hope you will update us as you move along with other choices.
PS
And as to love? I am certain your mother "loves you" to the best of her human limitations, but we all HAVE our limitations. Doesn't mean there is a lack of love, just a lack of ability to function "lovingly". If you find you are empty then you will need to "refill" yourself, and the best way is not to GET love, but to give it. Find a way to be of service. It will build your esteem and make you happy.