My Mom (87) moved in with me. I resent her being here.

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In late June, my mother asked to move in with me. I only have a 1 bedroom ranch home. She lived alone in an apartment at that time and was not taking care of herself. She wore the same underpants and socks for god knows how long. She wasn't taking her blood pressure medicine. I felt sorry for her and let her move in. I regret my decision. I never liked my mother much and I resent her. When I was a child, we moved in with my grandmother, great aunt and great uncle since my mom decided she had enough of my philandering father. I was molested by the great uncle and after years of being afraid to tell my mom about it, when I finally did tell her, nothing was done. We still continued to live there and the great uncle continued to harass me. I left that h*ll hole as soon as I graduated high school and got a job. I never felt close to my mother, I never told her anything that was going on with me. I never could stand being in her company over the years and only kept contact because I felt guilty. I would feel great anxiety and dread being in her company or even talking on the phone with her. Right at this moment my mother is eating once again and I hear her chewing and I want to kill her. I turned up the radio volume so I don't have to hear her chewing. My home is only 600 square feet and there is no safe place away from her unless I go into my basement. I am holding back the tears now since I feel so sad. I am already on an antidepressant, have been for about 2 years. I have an appointment with my psych. this week and will be starting therapy (once again) with a licensed social worker. I am hopeful that I can be helped. I want all of you who read this to know that even though I want to kill my mother, I will not really do it. I would not want to go to prison and if I did feel my mother was in danger, I would definitely get her out of here. I know that the best thing for me is that she should go to some assisted living place to live. She has short term memory loss and she acts helpless so she can't live on her own anymore. I have a hard time getting her to take a shower. It has been about 1 week now and she has been wearing the same underpants. She sleeps in the same clothes that she wears in the house. I have been able to give her clean socks since she does take them off to sleep. When I tell her it is time to take a shower or change her underwear she cries. I do not clean her dirty poop stained underwear anymore. I throw them out and she gets a brand new pair to wear. She did not want to go to the doctor so I lied to her and told her the doctor called on the phone and said he wanted her to come in. When we were there, she was acting like everything was fine. I secretly gave him a note telling him what was going on so she now has a script for an antidepressant. I will be giving her it for the first time today. She even was walking better in front of him. At home here she shuffles slowly and I hear over and over again 'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!'. I also hear 'It's so cold, It's so cold" but yet she gives me a hard time about putting warmer clothes on. I feel hatred for her. I find that I am feeling better just writing about all this. There is so much more for me to say but I am done for now.

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I am glad that you are going to get therapy. You deserve it!

The emotional turmoil of living with a woman who tolerated sexual abuse of you when she should have been protecting you (and who has never acknowledged her role in this violation) is beyond anything I can counsel you about. See a therapist!

But the practical problem has a straight-forward solution. Living with you mother in very crowded conditions is extremely stressful for you. Stop letting her live with you. I know it won't be quite that simple to achieve, but the goal is very simple to understand. Get Mom out of your house, preferably to somewhere she can be safe and clean and fed. If she refuses to cooperate with having those things, at the very least, get her out of your house.
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Yes. Follow vegaslady's advice. Call APS or local center for aging and ask them for help in getting mom placed in senior group home, etc. they will help you sort out moms finances for Medicare facility, veteran supplement, housing assistance, etc. You deserve to live your life and you are a caring daughter and person for even helping mom out. You don't deserve having to sacrifice your life and happiness for the sake of moms. Although she may be depressed and or old, she still has life choices and options and you can help,her understand what those are but she has to choose one other than living with you. 600 sq ft is too small for 2 adults unless you are lovers or shortterm roommates.

Make a plan and seek resources to get this change going in 30-60 days for your sanity.
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You are in desperate need of help right now, and so is your mother. For your sanity and the safety of both of you please take some action to separate yourselves. There are a number of things you could do right now. You could call a crisis hotline, or the local area agency on aging, Adult Protective Services, your medical providers. Ask for help in placing your mother in a safe place because you are not able to meet her needs. Although you think you won't harm her, you might. No need to make your life worse over her. Please do something in the next hour that will relieve the pressure on you before you blow your top.
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