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Thank God for whoever started this thread. I grew up with a nasty, mean, foul mother who hated everyone and taught me to do the same. I was lucky because my father was just the opposite and I caught myself when I realized that I was taking after her. I was lucky to be able to change the way i thought despite years of brainwashing. She hated everyone, my father, her inlaws, his family, the neighbors, everyone. She now sits in an assisted living for the past year that I'm going broke paying for with advanced basal cell (20 years of refusing treatment her face is as disgusting as she is) and she's hanging on because of her anger and hate. I believe that keeps her going. I am the only person left that bothers with her, i stopped my kids from going up to see her because she would insult them and say mean things. One of my brothers hasn't talked to any of us in 10 years, the other lives far away and doesn't care so it's all on me. She's currently not talking to me again, despite my bringing her home cooked food, bakery things, homemade treats, diapers, the newspaper, and visiting her 4 times a week. Why do you ask? Because last weekend I helped my daughter move into a new apartment. She doesn't believe I should have done that so I'm getting the silent treatment. Last time she pulled this crap, I didn't talk to her for over a month. I'm always the one who has to make this right even though I didn't do anything. She pulls things out of thin air, its stirs in her and she sits in the misery. I hate her so much yet I kiss her ass because I'm all she's got and I think its the right thing to do. I cry all the time, i'm starting a new job because I had to quit the last one because of this, and Im afraid i won't be able to concentrate and will lose the job I renovated her mouse invested house, took me 12 months to clear it out (she had an old phone collection of 20 phones thrown on a shelf, paid for renovations to make it livable and moved in so i could sell my house to pay for her care. She reminds me daily that she's not charging me rent despite my paying her fucking $7000 bill every month. I hate her so much. What is wrong with this generation that they are so full of hate and venom? I would never ever do this to any of my kids ever and I pray that I die before they have to take care of me although they all said the want to because i'm the best mom ever. Thank God i'm nothing like her.

Find Care & Housing
Eek dont sell your house to pay for her care! I'd do the reverse sell hers, and reimburse for your costs so far. I concur with what a few others have stated
she sounds malicious and potentially dangerous. I'd ask her doctor to elaborate on why he asked if you felt scared for your life. That's a seriously concerning
question for him to be asking.

My mom died before I was tapped for care giving, but I would have declined. During my childhood she physically attacked me multiple times, threatened my life
credibly several times, and verbally and emotionally abused me constantly. The
verbal/emotional abuse was so painful that somehow I didn't focus much on the
other threats. The reality is though once that hate machine gets revved up in people with serious personality disorders, all bets are off on how far they will go.

Please don't take that chance with either your own or your family's safety. Care
for her from afar. Get her financials settled if you must and try and automate
everything as much as possible. Hate can be a strangely invigorating emotion
and even relatively infirm or elderly people can cause some serious harm if they
put their minds to it. Personality disordered people live in a twisted fantasy world
and they just cant really see their own family members as real and separate people
To them we're just ghosts from the past or at best, bit part actors in whatever fantasy du jour they have in their heads.

Very sorry that you have to be dealing with this . Please protect you and yours and
put your own safety and well being as your first priority. Best of luck!!!
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MyToxicMom, I feel for you. The triangulation and manipulating sounds a lot like my mom's toxic family, and my mom too to an extent, though I will say her mom is worse as far as being spiteful and mean. I couldn't live with my mom either. We tried that, and it was either do something different or me go stark raving mad.

You may not be able to get your mom to go willingly to assisted living unless you are her POA or Guardian and she lacks mental capacity to make that decision for herself. However, you can tell your mom she has a certain amount of time to find other living arrangments. Perhaps offer to go with her to look at apartments or senior living facilities. You might even think about getting APS involved if she refuses to do so, on the grounds that her living with you is an unhealthy environment for you and your kids (which it is!), and that she needs assistance with activities of daily living. It sounds like she has some mental health issues as well.

I definitely agree with setting boundaries, even sometimes going no contact altogether. It is hurting you to remain in this negative situation. I agree with praying for your mom too, and loving her from a distance. You can honor your mom in that way without being her doormat.
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It sounds to me like your Mom's poison has affected you. "Her face is as disgusting as she is" Do you hear yourself? Run away as fast as you can is my advice.

My M I L is a toxic woman. Whenever my Hubs is around her his whole personality changes. She is drama, drama, drama. I used to try to pretend but I do my very best to avoid her like the plague now. It's just not worth it. Some people don't want to be saved. They just want someone to whine to.

I agree with those who have said pray for her. God can work miracles. But you need to separate yourself from the poison.
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MyToxic Mom: your mom sounds dangerous - I think the doctor has something there.  So often, people ignore or underestimate the danger to them and their families from deranged elders. Then tragedy strikes.   Have you considered evicting her from your home?  This can be done. Frankly, I would get her out of your home and certainly allow no contact with your kids. She sounds either demented and/or malevolent. I don't see any moral obligation on your part to have her live with you.
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I know how you feel, & I'm sorry for what you're going through. Some of us weren't nurtured as children, (our mothers didn't protect us) or bond with us. If you're like me, you went through life afraid & feeling lost. (I struggled to bond with anyone in a healthy way), & had no real identity. We missed out, & it seems like our mothers were just cruel monsters. But inside their heads, it seemed right to them somehow. If it helps you, just realize that even though your mother is a defect, you are NOT. They will account to God for it someday, & that has to be enough for me & you, for now.💞
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I have heard that untreated skin cancer on the face can lead to dementia as the brain gets affected. Not sure if that is true or not. I knew of a woman who would not allow her skin cancers to be treated. The last years were very downhill. She recently passed away which I think was a blessing as she had become quite difficult.
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Wow--you mom makes mine look like a peach.

YEARS of manipulating and drama and suicide "threats" and nothing but negativity seething out of my mother---and what do outsiders see? "what a little dolly your mom is"--a woman in my church goes to the same Sr Center and thinks my mother is a little angel.

No, I don't correct her, What's the point? Mother was what she was, she still is, and still complains and fusses, albeit with a lot less venom as she has aged so much, she simply cannot keep track of whom she loves or hates.

She actually gets JEALOUS of "friends" who have passed on who have the AUDACITY to look "good" laid out in their caskets. Seriously??

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.....I will go a month to six months not seeing mother. She's not worth the pain and anger she spreads, The ONLY way to deal with her is to keep visits super short and leave the second she crosses a line.

NO WAY would I be seeing my mother 4 times a week if she were in a NH. She only "likes" 2 of the sibs, there were 6 of us. I'm not one of the special, so she doesn't miss me at all. She can;t remember if it's been a week or a year since I saw her last.

And she does not care.
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God bless you. I hear you, and I feel for you. This sounds just like my narcissistic mom. Only thing different that I would like to add out of many, is, that my mom abandoned us kids when we were young, and it almost broke my father’s heart, who had to be both our mother and father for us. I always longed having a mother, and had the false illusion of ‘how wonderful it would be having a loving, caring mother.’ Not so. Then, when my father died, he left a small amount of his pension for my mother and I. My mother came to live w/me, and I got to experience for myself, how she always had lied about my father, as she now lies about the rest of us. She acts like a terror, and a living nightmare. She’s on the phone constantly triangulating w/my siblings and the extended family members and friends, gossiping, and fabricating stories about everyone, including me, even telling her doctors and strangers LIES, and humiliating me. I feel sorry for her, because without my father’s help, she would’ve been destitute. But, she refuses to move out of my house, and into an assisted living. I have no life. She mocks my children and my friends. The Bible says to honor our parents. But, she’s shown her true colors, it’s exactly like living w/a devil in my home. Right before Thanksgiving, she smeared the wall on my hallway w/egg yolk, and when I asked her if she knew anything about it, she told me to ask my cat, that doesn’t even have claws! Cats don’t do this. Another time, she hid a needle in my mail on the coffee table. She’s always done crazy and mean things all her life, yet, she acts nice and sweet w/strangers. But, her doctor asked me recently, if I’ve ever felt scared for my life living w/her. Any advise and comments out there?
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Why is it that regardless of how our parents treat(ed) us we continue(d) to seek their love and approval?

I sought to win my mothers approval all my life - even past the point when dementia caused her to no longer know who I was.

My husband would have had a better childhood had he been raised by a pack of wolves. Yet he was always there for his mother - albeit all the way across the country - called every Sunday, bought her the small house she just had to have, replace her old TV with a big flat screen after she purposely poured water down the vent in the back of her old one so it was “broken”, paid to get her out of collects for credit card debt - at least twice - plus more garbage.

Why? I suspose it has to do with our self worth. I mean, what’s wrong with us that even our parent doesn’t love us?

Whats wrong with us? NOTHING. Absolutely nothing!!! It’s - what’s wrong with them?!!

Limit contact. When she starts in on you or begins her negative, hateful rants - STOP what’s you’re doing - even if you’re in the middle of something and say “I’ve gotta go. I’ll come back when you’re feeling better”. Then follow through and leave.

For a while this worked for me with my mom. For a while - until her dementia made it impossible for her to connect the dots and/or control herself. But it wasn’t long after that that she stopped talking all together. Probably a blessing - in the long run as far as my sanity was concerned.
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You don't say how old Mom is. Why is she is an Assisted Living, does she have Dementia. Do you have POA. If so, and she can't make informed decisions place her in a NH on Medicaid.
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I had a horrible father, who thank heaven is now dead. I tried, more or less, until the end. I have no idea why. When he died, my sisters and I found it hard to believe it was over. We expected something nasty in the post, at a minimum. It was pointless having anything to do with him. If you feel as angry as you sound, just get out of there. Don't end up like me wondering why you bothered.
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Gunnster you are a wonderful daughter. Don’t ever doubt that.
I too would advise you to decrease the time you visit to once a week.
Yes we are forever connected through blood with our parents but that doesn’t mean we have to like them.
“Misery loves company” rings true as someone stated above. Miserable people want to take down everyone around them- don’t fall into her trap.
Visit weekly and hold her accountable for her behavior, which has consequences. Explain to her if she asks but keep it simple - no need to give her a reason to go off on a rant, & if she does, excuse yourself and let her know you are going home & will talk with her next week.
You get an “Atta’ girl” from me Life is too short for vitriol and hate. Don’t let her choice to be miserable rub off on you.
Good luck!
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God bless you for all that you have done for your mom. It's evident that you do care for her despite the terrible abuse. I agree with others here. You should probably limit contact, as it's not good for your health and sanity to be this upset all the time, and you don't deserve the abuse. You can still help manage her care from a distance and talk to her via phone periodically if desired, but wouldn't have to endure what you've been going through.

Also, I think it would really help you to talk to a therapist that can help you work through your feelings about your mom. Mine has been a lifesaver through everything with mine too. She doesn't judge me, just helps me talk through things and gives me ways to cope and set boundaries with my mom to protect my sanity.

Hugs to you, I'm very sorry you are going through this. You have every right to be angry and feel the way you do, but the stress is not good for you. I believe in prayer also, it too has helped me. You are loved by an amazing God.

I hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. Come here anytime you need to talk or vent.
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Have you ever heard of the expression, "misery loves company". I agree with the first post. You should remove yourself from her. Visit once a week at most.
But I have to ask, "what do you want from your mother?" Your first answer will be "nothing," but there is something you want or need that prehaps you are not aware of. I ask because 1) you always make up with her even if she is mistreating you, 2) people cannot get us angry if we don't care. I became aware of this with my own relationship with my mother.
However, you need to cut your visits down to once a week, and tell your mother that you will not let her mistreat you anymore. Set boundaries! If she won't talk to you or is verbally abusive than leave.

Pray for her...this sounds crazy...but I have found that praying for my own mother has some how set me free. What should you pray...that her heart is open, that she finds peace & enlightment. Ask God to forgive her. Just try it...even if you don't believe! What do you have to lose?

God bless you.
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She is in assisted living and you are paying for it? I'm not sure that you really have that moral responsibility, but for sure you can detach and visit her only rarely, if at all, and on your terms. She starts her rants, you just up and leave. Maybe she will get the idea, maybe not.   There is no obligation to take her abuse.  I believe that morally you could go no contact if you wish. After all she is safe, fed and clean.  I would simply realize that she is mentally ill, probably has been all her life, that it is beyond your ability to "cure" her and there is no reason why you should subject yourself to abuse, which is what her behavior is.  You need to care for yourself - you are God's child and NOT to be abused.
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That is so much baggie there that it is hard to keep all the factors in mind. Since you truly seem to be terribly abused I would cut visitation to once weekly. If she is of sound mind you could try to rationally describe the harsh treatment to you despite all you do. Maybe there's a tiny something still there that cares. Otherwise detach quickly
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