People who say "It's a blessing to still have your mother" never had to be caregiver to a 94-year-old who only had kids because that's what most women did in the old days. I know I really wasn't wanted - she already had 3 girls -she thought she was done, but daddy wanted a boy. She had me and my TWIN sister, the brother finally showed up in 1965. Growing up in our house sucked because as soon as we could stand up on a chair we were washing dishes at the sink. The only time mom said a word to us, was if we were doing something wrong. I can honestly say I've never heard my mother say"I love you" to me. I'm not exaggerating. Now for the last 5 years all I do, besides cook and clean is change her diapers. I know I should just be grateful it's somewhat contained. I absolutely cannot stand the smells of poo and pee (even my own). This is torture. We (my TWIN & me) are her only children who help her. The one sister who had employment at my Mothers beauty shop for years cannot even be bothered to stop by at least once a month to give mom a haircut. Every time I'm in the bathroom all I'm thinking is when am I gonna run out of diaper money or will there be anything left for me to travel while I can still walk. Ok I guess I got that out of my system. Lord, please make sure I have the strength to do this another day because its about to start
This is why facilities came into existence. Doing the hands on care personally, isn’t necessarily the best thing that children can do for their parents. They can become advocates for them in a facility.
Some people feel like it’s a calling, even rewarding and a privilege to be a caregiver. I support their choice if that is what is truly in their heart and if it doesn’t interfere with their physical and mental health.
I was a caregiver for my mom and it was the toughest job that I ever had. I cannot say that I felt privileged to be her caregiver. Honestly, I felt confused, isolated and overwhelmed by it all.
Sometimes, I felt absolutely helpless, full of anxiety, depressed and miserable.
Far too often, many of us don’t stop caregiving until we become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Are we stupid? Nope! We have been indoctrinated and it can take a while before we wake up and come out of the FOG.
It took therapy for me to sort out my emotions.
Wishing you peace as you figure this situation out. Most of all, I hope that you will be able to set yourself free one day.
Take care.
Stop using your money on Mom .
Take your life back . You don’t have to do the hands on caregiving .
Your other siblings(other than your twin)have it right. They knew better not to take on the care of your mother. I can't help but wonder why you and your twin didn't figure that out.
You owe your mother NOTHING! As in NOTHING!
It's time for plan B. So you and your sister need to start looking into placing your mother into the appropriate facility, where she will have trained CNA's changing her poopy and pee soaked diapers and you can get on with living and enjoying your life.
And you and your twin sister may need to seek some counseling to figure out why you feel so obligated to care for the woman who gave you birth, as you obviously have some messed up ideas in your head.
I wish you well in getting things figured out.
You've got a lot of siblings. Between the lot of you I'm sure there can be some other arrangement for her made. Like putting her in a nursing home.
My friend, people get what they give in this life. When a person was a mother like yours (and mine) who did the absolute minimal they could to keep child protective services from showing up, they should be shown just that much when they're needy and elderly.
Have a sit-down with your siblings and tell them you are done and that they have to figure out what to do with their mother. Call them today.
If it gets too much for you, there's always the option of a 'Social Admit' (ER Dump). I call this the nuclear option and sometimes you have to be President Truman for your own physical and mental health.
How it works is you drive her to a hospital ER and ask the charge nurse to see a social worker because you have to do a Social Admit (use this exact term). Tell them that you cannot take care of your mother anymore and refuse to continue. Do not let them persuade you in any way because they will make all kinds of promises of unlimited resources and help if you agree to her being discharged to your care. It's all lies. Refuse to take her from the hospital.
You don't state in your profile what the living situation is. So I'll put both.
If she lives with you, refuse to allow her back into your home. Tell the hospital she cannot be cared for in your home anymore because you're unable to safely have her there.
If she's still "independent" (and I use the term liberally) and in her own home, tell the social worker at the hospital that she cannot care for herself and that you cannot continue caring for her.
She will be evaluated and admited to the hospital. They will keop her admitted until a bed is found in a care facility that will take her.
If you have her POA, go down to the probate court and have your name removed. It's very easy to do and it's pretty much hassle-free to do. This takes any legal responsibility from you.
Don't have a moment of guilt here. You and your sibling are the only ones doing anything out of the lot of you. It's okay to say no to that.