My mom who turned 93 yesterday 1/8/11 has been in a nursing home for about 14 months now. She was recently diagonsed with Demitia or however you spell it. My mom was pretty much indepedent until she just could not use her legs well anymore. We went through all of the usual stuff tying to convince her she needed help. It was usually her saying ...I know I need to go to a home ...I aint going nowhere..
Once she finally went in she was pretty much happy..employees seemed nice and overall stillis a really food place Considering....
My problem is now she has become mean.. she tells me I will do whatever I want ... No one tells me what to do... all these people can kiss my a... I will tell these people to k m a and I will go home... one guy made her mad because he broke her rule of non one sits at her table unless she invites you and she hit him with silver ware... she also has wheeled herslef into the office and announced that she no longer wanted any N at her table. and that she did not eat with N at all.. which is not the true mom I know talking... she was raised with 13 brothers an sisters with no dad and she told me all of her the only they survied was a black man kept them feed and she has never allowed or taught us to talk like that. but the point is ....

The nursing home keeps calling me like a school priciple would call a kid who was bad in class parents. I mean I care but what can I do... when I talk to her about anything like that she tell to me carry my ass.. If she even remebers anything about it at all.
Anyway they call me looking for answers and I cant even get her to remember that I am there almost everyday and call her several times a day. I cant even get her to quit telling the same story over and over and over... how in the owrld can I tell them how to fix her.

My questions ...isnt this what they do???? I hvr read soties here all day and I see the same thing over and over and it seems to me what she is doing is not some kind of...never seen before kinda thing...

I have to go an meet with them again tomorrow and while I am fully commited to doing whatever I can to help my mom. I am a only son and I see her almost everyday.. I do her laundry.. I play Bingo with her while she sits and bithces about everyone in there... I put her up a Xmas tree and fixed up her room and I bring the workers pizzas and other snacks and bribes along with gifts and money at xmas I do what I can.

What should I expect/demand from them? I am just so mad that they are no equiped to handle things that should be clearly part of their field and job. Do they not know what they are doing. Os this common. Please help

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Excellent job John!
What a turn around.

We look forward to seeing you over on the Grossed Out thread. You would be a welcome voice.


Well 44 hours later after this post I have learned a lot. First I want to thank all of you who sent replies. They all contained information that was crucial to me and each help guide me to a much needed clearer path. I have read each reply several times and have made notes of your key ideas like UTI's...where to find info on her rights and all of the many other great ideas.
I had not looked at the site before I sent the questions but now I can see from reading throughout it....probably like many people see ...compared to others ...I ain't got it so bad. But again thanks for all of your advice.

My basic question and problem was mom keeps acting up and the Nursing home keeps calling me asking poor us what are we to do??? Should we send her to a Nut house??? We can't handle her...omg she said the N word today... We need to talk with you....

Well the dreaded Nursing Home meeting was today.

I knew I had two choices when I walked in the meeting room (considering that one of the other residences daughter told me that the Administrator had once told her " He didn't want to hear petty complaints from her."

One way to go was to be made to feel quilty and told what to do... and the other was to tell them what I expected them to do.

The meeting started as expected. Poor Poor us we just don't know what to do about your Moms terrible behavior. We just can't understand what cause her to act like that. Mid way through all of that garbage I stopped him and said...

I hate to just have to get right to the point but I have a job I am expected to be at so I really need You to answer me this so I can make some decisions.

.I have spent my the last 3 days reading about dementia ..causes ..treatments..what works what doesn' hurt daughters feel about being called whores by Daddies whom they still love so much and how they handle it....parents throwing crap in the floor...parents hitting and cursing and acting horrendous in all types of fashion and a condition called the dreaded cough. And what I am telling you here and now is ...what my mother is doing is tame compared to many with this condition and the mere fact that you would call me into a meeting to discuss.... as you imply my mothers outlandish behavior.... lets me know that this home is in no way capable of caring for patients like this.

And while that may sound smart A@@ I didn't say it that way at all... simply my back is up against the wall..and I have to look after number one my Mom. i spent some time before and after the meeting telling them how nice the palce really was and is....But don't have time to bull s with these people.
So my question to them was...Is this home suppose to be able to care for patients like my mom for the fees you charge. And if so....why am I here being asked BY YOU what you are suppose to already know and to do? Do you really expect me to be able to tell you?

And I said the reason I asked is that my wife has worked for DHH for 27 years and while I don't usually involve her in things like this I am sure if we needed some help with social workers or shrinks or whatever i am sure I could get it approved.
Now, like I said earlier I like it here and I think highly of everyone I have met fact my mother speaks highly of this place and that is why I have no intention of moving her but rather to be her advocate and get her the help she needs here.

With those statements the meeting changed and took the exact turn you would expect if they even thought the State might come around asking questions like ... Are you driving off all of your hard to handle cases to other nursing homes because you are so understaffed that you can't handle them.
Show us your plan for caring for people like Mrs. X ....ohhhh you don't have one?????? Would that not be expected.
All in all the meeting went great no one got mad ...but it was just as I expected ...they had no idea what they were dealing with ...had no plan at all.. did not really understand the disease at all and in fact were just running a hotel with a Bad maid service.

More so I think they just felt sorry for me about how I was taking their call.... no no noo we were just asking for your advise...

In any case my advice is speak up I run a compnay and know that the squeaky wheel is gong to get the grease. Now that they have tipped me off that they are just warehousing her they now have three issues to deal with ...take care of momma ...make momma happy and leave me the hell alone. But there will be no more scolding phone calls or trips to the office. The next time we meet will be about progress.

After the meeting I went in to ask Mom to pleaseeeeeeeee be nice ...she promptly told me she didn't kiss no ass and would not bite her tongue when they were talking down to her and if I didn't like i could go to hell ...I just gave her a big hug and a kiss and headed on back to work ... Still have a long way to go but at least now I feel like I will be working with the home (which I am certainly willing) but not from a perpective of them berating, ignoring or treating me like I owe them.

In other words I will not bite my tongue or kiss anyones ass...and they can all go to hell

Lol Like mother like son..... uhhh oooo

thank you all and see you soon in vent I am sure

John, Used to have a director at the adult day health that Mom goes to, that made me feel the same way. Every time she called me at home or asked to speak to me there, I felt like I was being called into the principals office! I hated it! You expect a facility to be able to handle situations that come up. You expect them to know more about the diseases related to the elderly than we do. For a while I thought Mom was going to be the first to get expelled from daycare! Now that woman is gone and a 27 year old young man is running the facility and I no longer get "spoken to" about Mom and her issues.
Definitely have them check her for UTI. Mom gets nasty when she has one, and is normally fairly docile. Do look into facilities for advanced alz. or dementia care.This may be what she now needs. And just maybe you should start to back away and take care of yourself. Your being there every day may be making it harder for her to adjust to being there. Start by going every other day, then skip a couple days in a row. Give it a try and see how it works. In the long run, it may help you both out. Good luck John!

My mother in law started at a nursing home, but when she became "ugly" with the staff and others we had to move her to a home specializing in alzimers. They were better equiped for all that comes with that. You may need to ask them what ARE they equiped to handel. good luck.

When my mother-in-law had to be in a nursing home during her rehab for a broken hip, I used to hear all kinds of screaming and cursing as I walked down the halls. The smell of poop was everywhere, so it was an all around 'special' time in our lives. Point is, yes they are supposed to be versed in this kind of stuff I thought. I do know there were sections that were worse than others, so maybe the mom ought to be put somewhere else in the building. Sad.

Well John, you'd think it would be within their realm of capabilities, but the reality is, probably..could be....okay, maybe be half, hire whatever warm bodies that can pass a background check and drug test that they can find.
And maybe half of the administrators are trained in pencil pushin' first, elder care, maybe second...or possibly a minor in contemporary modern art..I mean that could really explain the "Starvin' Artist" mass duplication crap "art", they seem to hang on the walls...I've seen better stuff in no tell motel elevators, but perhaps those are stories for another time ;-)
The folks that really know what they're doing and truly care, are over worked, and so often understaffed and under appreciated...they can only do so much.
But perhaps that's just my opinion, from my own first hand experience witnessing it years ago, when my own, now elderly Mama, worked in a few of the kitchens (both nursing and resident homes, which I believe they now call Assistant Living Facilities..a very clever marketing strategy) and I hung out a lot, and even worked in a couple nursing home laundries in the summer when I was older (oh my word!).
Now this was years ago I admit, but I haven't heard anything in the decades since, that has led me to believe I should change my truth, it's the opposite, it sounds to me as if it's only gotten worse.
It's seems to be just a great big crap shoot, as things often are, and to get them dice to roll just how you want them be, good solid communication, can certainly be the key...mucho greatest luck, we're truly rootin' for ya!

John: you are doing so much for your mother, and we understand. PLEASE have your mother tested for a UTI (culture to be done too) to rule out any urinary tract infection, or other medical problem. So often when they don't feel well it will manifest in their behavior.

If your mother has frontal temporal dementia, this will cause her to have NO inhibition, act inappropriately, etc. There are many types of dementia, and the facility she is at should be equipped to handle dementia residents. Talk to the head nurse or administrator and find out what training.

You are "her voice" now, her advocate, and understanding what is going on with her and how best to help her through this part of her journey.

God Bless.

John, print you entire question out and take it with you to the meeting tomorrow.
You are priceless and yes you are right:
this is what they do.

Christine is right, come and join us! you would be a welcome voice!


Your mother may have moved into a new depth of dementia. She may need to be placed in a more skilled setting. She's displaying her frustration in the only way she knows how and these people should be trained to recognize that.

There is a national Alzheimer's Association. Look them up on lne and maybe you will find information about the levels of Alzheimer's. Everyone's different. You may also be able to find information on how to find a location that can care for your mother, some places have social workers and people skilled to work with this sort of thing. The site may also have a list of contacts to call as to when to make a change, how to tell if the place she is in now knows how to handle her, and how to get insurance to pay for a hgher level of care.

Is your mother a widow of a Veteran? She's entitled to veteran's benefits that can help with her care. Check out the Veteran's Administration web-site for information, also check with your state aging office to see how the place she is in is rated. Not all places do a very good job.

My mother in law has advanced alzheimers and we have been through all this. It takes time, patience, and a lot of research, but there are people out there who are there to help you. Start with Alzheimers Association. Good luck and don't punch anyone. Just observe how they treat her.

OMG-John. YOU are hysterical!!! You have to join us on the Gross Out? Need to Vent site!!! I am not laughing at you, and indeed, we all understand here. We need you at Gross Vent!! Come on down!!! Vent, Vent, Vent!!!

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