I need help with the baby steps I would need to take to get mom to live somewhere other than with me and my husband.

fyi, its all the little things that she seems to do to annoy that would make one think they are going crazy ... and makes her proud and happy inside.

for example ... she is like a 3rd shifter ... up at night sleeps all day.

So as soon as I get home from work, that's when she wakes up and begins to be active with cleaning her cats litter boxes ... she knows how much I love the smell of that, so be sure to do that as soon as I get home every day.

even before that, as soon as I walk in the door, she is in our one bathroom and happens to have just got in there to make me wait to change out of my 'work' clothes and get comfortable.

Putting her cat out on the screen porch, which she has been asked not to do repeatedly, but the cat has rights to enjoy the outside. Never mind that it jumps all over the screen trying to catch lizards and bugs, making big holes that need repatching over and over.

and so many more small things that she does to annoy yet if you say anything "you" have a problem cause she did nothing, nothing at all  LOL

oh i should really stop saying anything of those things, cause when i do, then those 'little' things are done to extreme and more frequent

one more I just thought of, she loves to shuffle around on our tile floors in her slippers.  I can't tell you how many times I have asked her to pick up her feet when she walks.  It would be 'more exercise' if she could lift her legs a little when she walks.

but no, its fun for her cause that sound makes the dogs crazy and they go running and barking at her, which disturbs my peace after work PLUS she can also be upset at THEM, because remember, she does nothing wrong.  DOUBLE WIN

I made the grave mistake of telling her to walk normal if she wanted to avoid getting the dogs going  on a few occasions and now she shuffles around ALL THE TIME

she is very proud of herself having a double win that bothers me AND gives a reason to get angry at my dogs

those are just a few examples of the things she does to annoy me, don't worry, she's got lots more where those come for my husband so he is not left out of the fun

all while looking 'innocent'.  "what?  what did i do"  UGGGGGG

I'll give you one little example, she happens to need a shower right before he gets in from doing yard work EVERY TIME, knowing he needs to clean up from sweating and working in the yard.  So he always has to use the kitchen sink when he gets done cause she 'just got in the shower' ... sorry, thought you would be busy outside for a while and thought it was a good time to shower.  "INNOCENT HER"

I know you enjoyed that so one more, he cooks the same meal on the same days, meatloaf on mondays, fish on fridays etc ... but she manages on many days to say, what you cooking for supper?  and not just once but multiple times in minutes, then repeating, 'oh, i forgot you just told me that'  LOL  She's not big on this one cause it doesn't seem to upset anyone, so its not often ...but she does re-attempt to annoy with it here and there.

she was top of her class in psychology and it shows

and before i forget, one more LOL

dramatic yawns ... after work I am tired enough without starting to yawn right when i walk in the door

we all know those dreaded yawns are contagious. ... writing this is making me yawn and I apologize if you are yawning reading it LOL

she would yawn as she takes the cat litter to the porch while shuffling LOL because she just woke up and yawns yawns yawns

LONG BEFORE I REALIZED the games she plays, I said, jokingly, "thanks, now I"m gonna yawn all night and this will make me feel very tired too early" which it does make me do, once it gets going right after work.

Now, not only is she yawning still but WOW, its like so loud and dramatic, like I never heard such loud drawn out yawns in my life and so so many of them in a row.

that was the first time i said to myself, "is she doing this now on purpose cause I joked that it affected me in a bad way?" It sure seems it, but no, my mom isn't like that, I am imagining things

WELL NOW I KNOW I AM NOT, and she still does that non stop daily tooo LOL

just had to share a few of the kinds of things that 'she is so innocent' of that is so enjoyable in my world so you get a clearer picture of some of the many lil things she has fun doing.

I used to just say to myself as she did those kinds of things, 'don't get upset, she knows not what she is doing and i'm blessed to have my mom and have her with me' 

but now with "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout"  I'm not feeling like its such a blessing anymore and truly believe she does all these things to push buttons as much as possible and pray for forgiveness for feeling that way

Mrsray, I'm sure that no one reading this far has any doubt that your mother is a PIA to live with. But you go away and keep venting. Let it all out, Girl!

Just remember that you are not going to change her. At all. And you've already stated that it is not your goal to change her. She can continue to behave just as she is ... as long as she does it somewhere else, right?

Remind yourself that you are already working toward your real goal: getting her out of your house. Yeah for you!

Realizing that this will come to an end, can you try real hard for patience? If she doesn't see that she is provoking you she might stop trying so hard to do it. Like asking what is for dinner. It doesn't get a rise so she doesn't do it as often. I'm suggesting this for your sake. (I used to have a little wall plaque that said, "Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!" I know it can be hard.)

Are you looking into what it would take to evict your mother, if it came to that?

@ jeannegibbs

venting felt good, thank you LOL

I know I'm not going to change her and yes, she can continue to behave just as she is ... as long as she does it somewhere else

I keep trying really hard for patience and have already learned not to let her get a rise out of things by shutting up, just a little too late LOL ... since she now knows so many ways to get that rise out of me.

believe me I know I need to stop because of her enjoying it so much ...  its that damn short temper of mine that gets the best of me  :)

I need that plaque, think I will set it as a desktop background since I am on my computer a lot
"Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!"

and no, I have not started to look at what it would take to evict her, was really hoping it did not come to that stage at all

Mrs Ray:

She has the traits of a person with a personality disorder of some type.

The feigning innocence, the manipulation, etc.

You might want to research personality disorders, so you do not feel so guilt ridden by being annoyed.

People with personality disorders lack insight into their own negative behaviors. They can appear to have dementia when they actually do not.

Mrs Ray:

I just want to add: My above answer is assuming her physical health has already been evaluated.

If not, can you have her checked for of NPH or normal pressure hydrocephalus of fluid on the brain?”

The gait disturbance, shuffling (magnetic feet it's called), incontinence and odd denials or her behavior could be symptoms of NPH.

@mrsray

OMG, you had me in stitches in your "Warning Long Post" one!!! I won't even take my mother to Publix anymore...... I started using instacart and have been ordering groceries!!! It is absolutely wonderful!!!! oh, and amazon, and anything else online. Last time I took my mother shopping was to a shoe store outlet... all the way through, she repeatedly said 1. I don't see the shoes they advertised on tv, (well no, because it's an outlet store), 2. Ooh what about this one? [wedge shoe, about 3 inches high] , "No, Mom, you are already unsteady, and if you wore those surely you would fall and break an ankle or a hip." I am always the "bad guy".... and it's the same at Penney's when she wants to get high heels.... same thing. On this occasion though, I fleetingly (like a full 5 seconds) thought maybe I should give up, let her get whatever she wants and when she does fall and does break something, then she would go to the hospital, then rehab, and then ASSISTED LIVING ! And to top it off, I could even say, "guess those shoes were a bad idea!" Oh Lord, may lightning strike me for such an evil thought!

@Myownlife,

Oh, shoes!! I am 83 and I saw a pair of those platform, strappy, heels in a metallic green print. OHHHHHH, I wanted them so bad. I dreamed about them.. Then it dawned on me. I could buy them and arrange them on my dresser like a vase or something. I could put one upright and the other laying sideways next to it. Then I could at least look at them. I went back to the outlet store and of course they were gone. I still cry inside.... If I am ever in lust that way again, that is what I will do. I hope this will make someone smile.

Heather10 ... she definitely has a personality disorder, there is no doubt in my mind, thank you for the NPH tip. I just want her out, do not care anymore why she is like she is, had enough dr appts for an ungrateful being, don't want any more.

She makes me so negative ... I need to get the negative out of my life asap

Myownlife ... the shoes story is good, thanks for sharing.

i'm with you, I also have evil thoughts these days, Lord forgive us.

MaryKathleen ... sorry you missed out on your shoes, hopefully, something will come along to replace the loss and bring you happiness! :)

MrsRay:

I totally understand. If this woman has NPD, you have my empathy.

Save yourself.

@MaryKathleen, Love your name! We named my youngest daughter Kathleen. :).
Oh, and there were green metallic? I would have loved those..... geez I am 63 and haven't worn heels in I can't remember when..... working on hospital floors has always been running shoes once we old ones got past that all white leather shoe from eons ago.
I though of a compromise though.... maybe take a pair of heels along when you go out to dinner and change into them while you're sitting at the table and sit so they're noticeable! Or maybe at home, have a dress-up afternoon and get all prettied up with special heels and lay seductively on the couch reading a book.... and then dial up Match.com ! Sorry, I am having a glass of wine after 12 hours work today and am trying to de-stress! I've been single too long.