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I left last week to see my mother. I drove 4 hours and when I got to my step brother's house my mother was standing there with swollen legs and feet, breathing shallow and also talking like a frog. I asked how long she has been like this and my step brother's wife (SSIL) said she just got that way. I immediately took her to the ER and she was admitted with pneumonia, hypertension, anemia.


This was the second hospitalization and the 3rd time she was seen in the ER in one month. I stayed at the hospital with her the entire time. I realize this is very stressful for ALZ patients but the entire time I was there she accused me of stealing her shoes and clothes, told nurses she hated me and that she raised me better than this. I took it all on the chin and said nothing. Then I expressed my concerns to the nursing staff about her going home to the AL facility because I felt she was not being taken care of, told no when she wants to go to the doctor and imo only that I would like to take her home for a week to let her get better.


Fast forward to the night she went "home" I told my SF, SB and SSIL that she is very sick and needs rest. My step brother jumped up off the couch, came around the back of it and told me "if she needs rest, she needs to go home with me". My SF seconded the motion. I was glad. Next morning I went to the AL to take her home with me and mom did not want to go with me. My SF kept telling her he wanted her to go. In the meantime, my SSIL called the ALF and made arrangements to have mom sit in the lobby so that they could "watch" her. When the head nurse told me that, it was the first time I blew up. I went so far as to tell them that I was furious, I was taking her home and "furthermore there is all kind of OTC meds that my SF was told NOT to buy mom and once again I am taking it out of the apt (the whole hand on my hip, head bouncing like a crazy woman thing). I told them that when I came back in a week there would be a "come to Jesus" meeting and that I wanted a home assessment because I had just moved things out of the way and now there were more things piled in mom's bedroom and that I did not want her falling because of my steps negligence.


Well, needless to say I have kept things bottled up long enough and am waiting for the durable power of attorney to go through with the doctors office. Oh dear, not the first time in two days I lost it. This morning my mother would not cooperate with me and accused me of stealing her money and (my SF gave me some money for her and I put it in my purse) keeping her from getting medical attention. Of course her mood escalated and my stress level did too. She started packing her clothes and told me I was awful because I would not take her to the dr (I had an appt scheduled for her to see my primary care dr at 2:30, this was 10:00. Well, I'm ashamed to say I lost it again, cried, packed the car and drove an hour and a half to take her home then really lost it with her and asked her how she could treat me that way and they would not even visit her in the hospital, take her to any doctors in three in a half years and that both my SB and my SF told her they didn't want her over there. I yelled at her, then half way to her house I made a U-turn and told her I was at least going to get her better before I took her back for them to kill her.


I'm ashamed, embarrassed, hurt and worked myself into heart attack mode. I'm trying to do my best to protect her from them and all she wants is to go back for more of the same. I don't want to make excuses for myself, but last night I could not understand what was going on so I looked at side effects of the medicine she is on and found out the 2 of the medications my steps were letting her take OTC has drug interactions with Namenda (dextromethorphan and diurectics) so I was pretty much stressed out already. They also gave her free reign with Tylenol and after 10 mins of taking it she didn't remember and wanted more. On the way back and looking at the mountains and Tennessee River I took her out to lunch and apologized and told her I Love Her and want to do what's right by her and that I am afraid they are going to put one over on us. We talked a about the durable POA for finances and the Advanced Medical Directive and I explained her diagnosis too her and that on the 14th we will talk to the doctor to get the documents we need legally on the 14th. Everything I think will work out. I explained about how the paperwork was handled. I also told her that I'm afraid my SSIL will do something sneaky like have her sign something like she did when "they" got her into the apt at AL.


I'm sorry. I'm trying but I lost it and cannot forgive myself but I needed to vent to people who can step away from the family dynamics and talk to me honestly about the family dynamics. I guess I need to sign this "Tail between my legs"

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Hi Dsigno... I don't envy you. Trust me I have had melt downs too when it was called for. You are in a rough situation. I know I have said this in other posts, but please don't forget to take time out for YOU and for your family. I went through a lot of stress taking care of my Mom who was handicapped and in a wheel chair and my Dad who was in a nursing home but I was single at the time. Now I have been a caregiver to my honey for 13 years. You have to take care of yourself (has taken me 13 years to learn this) both mentally and physically or you will not be any good to you, your Mom or your family. I know it is hard but find some time to unwind; either a favorite hobby, a bubble bath, or anything you enjoy. Trust me it works. For me my art is my life and sanity saver. What is your favorite thing to do normally? Hang in there... my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Try to not let your frustration bleed into your marriage, I know how hard it can be. The spouse gets it all, talking about the situation all the time, snapping because of frustration, being neglected because we are consumed by the current crisis regarding parent and on and on.

Times I have just shut up and told my hubby, I just need to be held. I also do my best to show him that I love and appreciate all he puts up with, his favorite meal, doing an errand or whatever let's him know he is still my #1, even though I'm consumed right now.

Hugs to you at this trying time. You are not alone on this journey. Just so you know.
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Things are ok for now. One day at a time. Things are very complicated and I'm taking it from all sides but mom is my priority right now. As for all the other stressors, well....... l still get that from my steps but I remind them that mom should be our main priority and then get off the phone. You wouldn't believe what I'm putting up with. From her anemia is caused from her leukemia (mom has never had leukemia she has had breast cancer and non hodgins lymphoma) to not thinking mom will live out this year so make sure my son gets the $25k. If it wasn't so pathetic I would laugh. "They" have also been buying and letting her take OTC stuff that upon research I found can have drug interactions with her namenda. I'm having a rough weekend and my husband is working very long hours and all this is stressful on our relationship too. We went to bed mad at each other for the second time in a row. I'm feeling very lonely right now.
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How are you doing, DS?
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Dsigno, I think all of us here at one time or another either exploded or wanted to explode at our parent.

I remember back when my Dad came home from the hospital after a heart attack and I moved his recliner closer to the bathroom... my Mom didn't like how it looked and wanted it back where it was, which would have been a challenge for my Dad to walk that distance.... I exploded at my Mom saying "this isn't about you, Mom".

As for the stealing remarks, sadly that is not uncommon with Alzheimer's/dementia. I found this article that will be helpful for you: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm

Now, as for the Power of Attorney, oops could be too late. Since Mom is now in the story telling stage, she probably will not be able to understand legal documents. Mom would have to be able to chat one on one with the Attorney who is drawing up the POA's and other documents that your Mom should have, and I have a feeling she probably wouldn't be able to do that.

Looks like guardianship maybe something to look into. Here's an article about same: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-get-guardianship-of-elderly-parents-140693.htm

I would highly recommend an "Elder Law Attorney" to help you through this maze. And even talk with him/her about Mom getting Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] and what programs are available for her.

Keep us up-to-date.
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Oh my, I have been in your shoes. My dad makes everything as hard as it can possibly be and makes accusations that are outlandish, I am learning to leak so I don't blow. I hope you can find some peace on this difficult journey. Only wanting them to be taken care of and seeing the disregard for their well being is enough to send anyone over the edge, forgive yourself and do the best you can. That's all any of us can do.
HUGS AND LOVE 2 U!
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Please do not feel badly about blowing up at your mother.

Given the situation, it was a normal reaction.

Regarding your family dynamic. Sadly, in my work, I have seen this too often.

It seems that sometimes the parent puts all the trust in the family members that are least trustworthy, while pushing away the family members that are trustworthy and will help them the most.

Maybe your step  sibling is your mother's favorite and has always been. If that is the case, nothing you do will change anything.

You can apply for guardianship or have one appointed.   Not an easy task.

If you truly believe physical and medical neglect is taking place, please get elderly protective services, in your state, involved. They can investigate your concerns.

If they turn out to be true, it will be easier for you to take over.
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I am not totally following your situation but what I gather is that your stepfather and sibling put your mom in an assisted living facility and you're not happy with mom's care. Have you read a lot about Alzheimers? Your mom's behavior caused you to melt down twice in two days and she doesn't even live with you. I imagine your stepfather and sibling/wife faced the same frustrations with mom's behavior when she was living with them 24/7 or they were around her frequently. They are around her all of the time, you're not. But you need to forgive yourself for your meltdown and just work on handling the stress in a better way going forward. We've all had instances of losing it, when our patience is gone.

You're expecting mom to be rational but her brain is broken. She won't be normal. She may accuse you of horrible things, that's a part of the disease. Spend some time on here reading other threads. This is very common. She can't help herself. Watch Teepa Snow videos on Youtube about dementia.

If your mom has been diagnosed with dementia, I don't see how you can get a POA for her. I would think you'd have to get a court-ordered guardianship. I don't see how your sibling or stepfather could get a POA at this point either, given her Alzheimers.

Work to build a better relationship with the staff at the assisted living facility where mom is living. Don't yell at them, act firmly but objectively. You want the best care for your mom and therefore you want them to want to work with you and help your mom. They deal with difficult residents all day, every day. So try to get them on your side by understanding where they're coming from. They may get a very different message from you (who isn't there very often) than from your stepdad and brother.

I know your heart is in the right place and you only want the best for mom. Just arm yourself with more knowledge about her diagnosis and what kind of behavior you can expect from her. {{{Hugs}}}
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Don't beat yourself up. I know it is so frustrating when the family dynamics are so dysfunctional. I have been there with my sibling and mom too.

The DPOA and advanced medical directive are a very good idea. It sounds like your mom might need memory care and that she can no longer live safely in the ALF. The DPOA will allow you to talk to mom's doctor and will allow you more authority in making health decisions on her behalf.

But I wouldn't bring her back home because all of the dysfunction within the family dynamic and moving back and forth is not good for your mom's health or yours. At least the ALF staff can keep the drama from getting too out of hand, particularly if there is a primary decision maker who has DPOA that they can speak with.
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