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You are not alone. Don’t beat yourself up for these thoughts...
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I often consider these thoughts about my LO, with my usual reaction being to dismiss the thoughts.
Truth be told, she was never a very happy person, although there were things that she would sometimes be happy about, as we her nieces and nephews had children and now grandchildren.
I learned fairly recently, before we had to find a residential care site, that she loved to decorate her kitchen with the numerous greeting cards she received on holidays and her birthday, and she had at one point loved to shop, and dressed like a model.
Of a large family, the loss of her only surviving sibling a few years ago was an unbearable loss, but she soldiered on until she began to fall at home, and would not consent to have the house made safer for her.
I wonder sometimes whether it is she who suffers more, or if I suffer double watching her.
She’s recently had a change of medication that I think is helping, and when she’s better, I enjoy going more for our frequent visits.
I don’t think your feelings are awful at all, jsbelzberg. No one can decide but you what you can or should do about having them.
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It does seem inhumane, you're right. Or inhuman: she is being dehumanized. It's horrible.

I see from your profile that your mother is in independent living, is that still correct? Any plans for her care looking ahead?

All you can aim for, the way I see it, is a soft landing; and typically, I think, many people do reach a plateau of relative contentment. How long have you been your mother's primary caregiver?
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Old nurses such as myself almost made a happy hobby of "Final Exit" and "self-deliverance" research. Heaven forbid the day that anything DOES happen to anyone in a radius of 20 miles around me, and they confiscate my computer, hee hee. There are whole pages on Facebook on the subject, and we always talk on Private Messages, there saying "Only kidding, your honor" every so often.
I don't honestly think that there is anyone who is facing dementia for themselves or a loved one who doesn't "go there" in their thinking on a dark and stormy night. My brother, though still so with it in his mind, has a probable early Lewy's Body Dementia. We already know what Robin Williams did when he suspected his own mind was going with this disease. My brother would so much rather make an exit before facing down the demons that may come. But there is honestly very little choice, as the Dorothy Parker poem about suicide methods tells us, without a good deal, or at least some pain.
As a nurse I have long known that there are so many things worse than death. Nevertheless, for now, and I would suspect for decades to come, there seems to be a great taboo against suicide, especially in our own country.
Just know that you are not alone in your head going there; know that many suspect that hospice is often an easy and just a bit early "deliverance", know that there are rational patients everywhere choosing not to eat and not to drink, with the understanding and (secret) support of their own doctors. And whatever the mind can think and want is not outside the realm of normal when there is great pain in living. I have always thought that the enormous suicide rate in Vets is not just that they see so many animals in crisis, but that they have a very easy means of self deliverance right at hand. When you hit a low you can never tell WHERE your mind will go. But you can be assured it is not going anywhere that the minds of people in your situation have not visited along with you. Please do not put pressure on yourself that what you feel and think is in any way out of the norm, because it is not. And yes, what we have to go through can seem inhumane. But remember, we are but an animal. We are a human animal. And from birth to death, all animals are faced with ugliness, grief, loss and pain along with all that is beautiful in life. Know also that what you see is not necessarily what she feels. Read Oliver Sacks essays on the mind.It was his life study before his death, for ALL his life.
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Thank you for the supportive and non judge-mental comments. It’s just that I know it will just keep getting worse and worse and she is absolutely miserable - all of the time. It just seems inhumane ...
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Sorry you are feeling so low and burnt out. Been there. Counseling may help. Placement may help even more.

My brother took care of Mom, so I took in Aunt Rose. Who knew she would live so long! My brother asked about switching, but I knew Mom and I pushed each others' buttons. Not a solution, and we knew it, even though I loved her.

I wish you luck and courage. Don't give up before finding the solution good for you.
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I am able to manage my caretaking as the LO's are in AL, and my brother and I work together, so neither of us gets burnout.

Neither of us could possibly live with someone who has dementia, it would be a train wreck. They live in a 5 star facility, have a beautiful apartment and aside from always complaining about the food (seems to be a trait with people of the silent generation) they are happy.

Might be time to consider a change, rethinking about what should be done with your mother, this situation will not get better.
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I was too flip - While I think many caregivers feel this way at some point it really is a sign that you need more support. Late/mid stage could mean many more years are left for her, it may be time to explore other options (and there are always options, always)
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Um, when you say "ending it" - you mean for yourself or for her?

Either way, I am certain you are not alone.

If you mean her, though - although you still aren't alone, I have heard moving accounts from caregivers who felt like this and got safely past their lowest points - you do want to watch yourself. Do you have anybody you can open up to in confidence?
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My mom kept a stash of fiorinal (a powerful mix of barbiturates and narcotics) that I was pretty sure would do the job.
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