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Tonight she did not go to bed at all, she thinks an out of state police officer is going to pick her up and take her to Lucille Balls funeral, she is calling her Aunt Lucy and Uncle Ricky. The other night it was midgets with butcher knives waiting outside to kill her. This entire week she thinks she is the french actress Corinne Calvet. I just want to be able to sit down and mourn the loss of my husband, its killing me inside. I have had her to the ER but they just keep sending her back home. I have had her to the DR because she is not eating or drinking and when the DR asked her about it she yelled at the DR like it was her fault. They keep saying they cannot give her any medication to calm her during these episodes. Something has got to give before I have a heart attack or worse. Its to the point I can’t do this any longer. She is 86 and cries for her dad but knows he is dead and she will scream and hit things with her cane. I have a woman who comes in 4 days a week for 4 hours but she refuses to let her do anything for her, she is very rude and nasty towards her, she says she hates her and doesn’t want her here. I try to explain to her that I need her here so I can do the shopping and other things around the house now that is all up to me. I have 4 siblings but no one is willing to give me a break from this, they don’t want to disrupt their lives. I hope someone has some good advice for me.

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Put her in a nursing home if you can. Your mental wellbeing is important. You can’t let yourself go down. So sorry and l hope you find peace.
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Forgot to mention, if you get Mom in respite care for 2 weeks send the caregiver over to the respite care to stay with her for her 4 hour shifts (so you don't lose her.)
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Get Mom in respite care for 2 weeks so you can catch a break and evaluate what direction to go in.
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The best advice I can give to you is to get your mom out of your house ASAP and placed in either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, so you can not only properly grieve your husband but also get your life back.
Your mom of course will have to pay her way to be placed and if she doesn't have the money then she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
You do NOT want to be in the 40% of caregivers who die before the one they're caring for from stressed related issues do you?
Your siblings made the right choice by choosing to live and enjoy their lives. Now it's your turn to do the same.
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Sign her up for respite care for two weeks so you can grieve properly. During that time figure out what you need to do to get her admitted into a memory care facility. Let your siblings know where you placed her. If they don't like it, then they can figure it out.

I am sorry for your loss and if your siblings are aware of your loss and are that callous that they can't give you some respite, I am even sorrier.
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Put her in a memory care facility. Right now, you can place her in one for up to two weeks respite that Medicare pays for to give you a break.

She may have to go through psychiatry in order to get medications to calm her down. Liquid lorazepan will quiet her almost instantly. One miligram under her tongue and she'll be chilling inside of five minutes. You can also dose her food too.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but honestly enough is enough. You can't continue as one person caring for someone who needs a staff to care for her.

You should definitely do what JanPeck123 advises in the comments. When she's out of control call 911 and have her taken to the ER. Once she is there you ask for a social worker and tell them you need a 'Social Admit' (use this exact term) for your mother. Tell them that you will not allow her to return to your home because she cannot be safely cared for there. Tell them that her outbursts are so violent that you fear for her safety as well as your own and that you will not allow her back. Give the hospital the contact information for all of your siblings and instruct them to call on them.

Then you leave and go home. DO NOT allow to come back. DOn't let these people wear you down and convince you to take her back. They will make all kinds of promises about unlimited support and homecare if you'll have her back to your home. It's all a lie to get her off hospital property because they you are responsible for her. The hospital will admit her on a 'Social Admit' and will get her placed in LTC unless one of your siblings steps up and takes responsibility for her which I'm sure is unlikely from what you've said here.
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Please don’t allow your mother’s heartbreakingly sad condition to ruin your health and life. If she were healthy and whole she’d never want this for you. You’ve seen some unwise doctors who won’t prescribe medication to calm her behaviors, this would be a gift to her as it cannot feel good to her to feel so out of control. I hope you’ll find a facility for her to move, to be cared for by shifts of trained workers, instead of one exhausted daughter. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband, such a huge life change in itself. You’ve done your best but it’s time to find another way forward. I wish you both peace
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Your Mom absolutely needs to be medicated. She is a danger to herself and others, especially if she is hitting things with her cane.
If her doctor won't medicate her, then find her a different doctor.
Trying to reason with someone with dementia is about as effective as talking to the wall. She has a broken brain. She won't listen or understand or empathize. She is no longer capable of such.
If you are at your wit's end, call 911 when she becomes enraged and won't calm. Or if she falls. Or if you suspects a UTI. When taken to the hospital, keep repeating that your Mom cannot be discharged home. UNSAFE DISCHARGE. UNSAFE DISCHARGE. UNSAFE DISCHARGE. Absolutely refuse to accept her home. The social worker will need to find her a memory care placement. If she refuses to find her a placement, contact APS and repeat Unsafe Discharge. Your Mom's money and assets will be used to fund her placement, and when that dries up, she can be on facility Medicaid.
You need your sanity and your life back.
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Your mom needs placement, diagnosis, care of a facility that has several shifts with several workers on each shift to manage her care safely. She likely also needs medications to bring some calm. Your siblings aren't worth discussing; they don't want to take part in this caregiving. I can't blame them. Mom needs now to be placed so she can be managed, and you can have a life. I am so sorry, but part of keeping her may be to avoid the mourning that will come at you when you aren't overwhelmed with her care 24/7. This simply can't go on for you. Get her transferred by Ambulance to hospital, assessed, and get her placed by the social workers at the hospital into a facility. Let them know she cannot return home to your care and that you aren't capable of going on anymore with this care.

I am so sorry for all you're going through.
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